Losing my best friend

[DaddysLittleFlower]

I lost my dad November 15th from respiratory failure. Six weeks prior, on October 3rd, my sixth sense knew it was coming, i knew it before my dad did. And i thought that I had somehow prepared myseld for it, that somehow when it happened, i would be at peace with it. Then, when he died, i was faced with the harsh reality that nothing and no one could have prepared me for the grief i feel... My dad was my best friend. Although I have brothers and sisters, none of them had a close relationship with him,  so those 6 weeks leading to his passing and the 6 weeks that have followed it, have been the loneliest of my life. I'm not an overly emotional person,  so the tidal waves of grief that take over me are so uncomfortable for me to cope with. I am single with no children,  so the nights at home alone is when the reality sinks in and i can barely breathe.  Although ive had a tremendous amount of support,  there's part of my heart and my loss that cant be reached.  I'm also not one to talk about my feelings much,  so it's hard for me to confide in others about what I'm going through.  At night especially,  I'll get an image of my dad in my head that i cant let go of, or replay a conversation in my head over and over again... like the last time i saw him and how sad he looked when i was leaving.. like he knew it would be the last time. The look on his face sits in my mind like a photograph.  Thanksgiving was tough, i didn't get out of bed until late afternoon.. and now with Christmas only 3 days away, I'm battling the deepest feeling of depression.  I have found comfort in those who have lost a parent and reached out to me, so that's what brings me to this group.  I'm praying for all of us to get through this holiday season.  

[sadandlost]

Deardaddyslittleflower,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know exactly how you feel because its the same for me after losing my mother now almost one year on.  I too was very close to my mother in a different way from anyone.  We had a special relationship and now I feel the "us" has gone and no one can relate.  I too don't discuss it. No one is interested anyway.  i definetly don't want to hear the annoying platitudes and cliches.  I expected after this amount of time it would be better by now but it isn't.  its worse in reality as time goes on and I have to be in the world without her.  Like you, I never expected it would be as bad as what it is.  The heightened emotions, relentless loneliness is there all the time whatever I do.  Its an inner loneliness I don't expect to go away although I want it to.  So I know what you're going through because I've been living it every day for 11 months.  Christmas I will be alone.  Each day that gets closer I feel building anxiety.  I wish I could tell you something optimistic.  I just wanted you to know I understand what you're going through.  I very much hope your xmas will be less brutal than you expect it to be.  I will get through mine watching 8hrs of tv for distraction.  So sorry for your loss.