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i never thought it would be this hard


cuzzy

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I lost my mom August 23, 2017. I took care of her off and on the past 5 years, but constantly the past 2.5 years. She has no other children and she wasn't married. So I was on my own. With her being the youngest of 6 you would think I would of had some help but I didn't. And now that shes gone I don't really have them either. In fact I pretty much have lost all of my moms family except 2 aunts and 2 cousins along with their children. I do have my dad and step mom who I call mom from time to time as shes been my step mom since I was 3. And I also have my siblings which I myself am 1 of 6, but unfortunately... No one has been able to relate to my situation which has made it extremely hard to vent and be heard.

My dad has both his parents though they are complete assholes who don't give a **** about us they are still alive. My step mom has lost all her parents so I could talk to her and I have a little bit but its just not enough. I'm lost. Its about to be 4 months and I feel like I should be back to normal already. At this rate I feel like I never will be. I feel broken and empty and with the holidays I've been an emotional wreck. And did I mention I hate crying. Everyone tells me its good to cry and its not bad, but to me it makes me feel weak. Like I cant handle myself. But they don't get it... Its about to be 4 months and I've gone through so much without my Momma and yet I still feel lost. I've had my 23rd birthday, Thanksgiving, celebration of her life, a breakup, drunken nights, and my first big cold/flu. And I can't forget... I got offered a job.... a job she always wanted for me. I took it. And when I finished my online course for it and was officially apart of the company she is the first one I wanted to call and cry happy tears with. And I couldn't. And that was so hard for me. I don't know what to do anymore. I got a referral to go see a counselor but I haven't gone cause i'm scared but also cause I can't afford my copay at the moment. I just don't know what to do...

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Dear cuzzy,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that everything you are feeling and thinking is normal and natural. Please be kind to yourself. 4 months is not a long time to grieve for your beloved momma. It is an unimaginable loses The emotional rollercoaster will go on for a while. Please don't ever think you are weak. The loss of a beloved mother is not something anyone can easily accept.

So soon after losing a beloved parent is a horribly confusing time. It is hard to know what to do or think to feel better. I found these websites helpful:

What's Your Grief

The Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

GriefShare.Org

The Grief Recovery Method.

Please know we are all here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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Dear Cuzzy I lost my mom on August 23rd, 2017 also.  I know exactly how you feel.  Although I'm much older than you I often feel like a lost little girl.  I don't have siblings and my extended family is very small.  Thanks to my faith and some very close friends I'm surviving.  Four months is no where near enough time for us to feel any relief from grieving.  In my case I'm starting to feel differently but in a sadder sort of way.  The intensity of my crying and the sadness I feel are stronger than a few months ago.  I'm trying my best to look for ways of coping.  It isn't easy.   My mom and I were extremely close.  Best friends!    I babied her so much.   I will pray for you ... with each passing day we will find more strength and peace.  I know we will.  

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I want to take the time to thank you both very much. Reading your kind words have hit hard on my heart. 

It's 3 days away from her 5th month gone and things are still hard. This week was extremely hard as I went back to work. Just knowing that I can't hear her tell me I'm doing such a great job or to relax I'll get the hang of it has been the hardest I think. Or even coming home or calling her to tell her how my day was. I've been crying daily which it's been awhile since its been this bad but I know with time hopefully I'll get through this. My mom has been popping up a lot in my Facebook memories and though it makes me smile to see her face it also brings me sadness and tears. I'm feeling lost and tired and overwhelmed lately and I really hate it. Not to mention I've been so damn sick. You know the sickness that just makes you want your mom. 

I started with the cold and flu together for 2.5 weeks. Then the congestion and mucus for 1.5 weeks. Then i got a bacterial infection that made my right gland swell to the size of a gulf ball and my tongue swell and crack. Took antibiotics for a week. That made my lips swell so much they cracked. ha ha ha 5 days into the antibiotics I got a cold again. And you wouldn't believe me when I say 4 days after the antibiotic was finished I got hives!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that was on my second day of shadowing for work so I had to call out! I was so upset!

Life is still such a roller coaster. I thought after my mom passed life was going to be different for the better. So far it doesn't feel that way. So I'll just sit here and wait for it impatiently... 

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Dear cuzzy,

Thank you for your kind words.

Sorry to hear you had the cold and flu. I hope you feel better soon.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. I felt as you did, wanting so badly for things to be better.  Grief has no fixed timeline. I wish there were but please know there is hope and there will be better days.

Thinking of you.

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Thank you so much!

I haven't been feeling the greatest still and  I have been finding myself to be having extreme anxiety every morning. I'm unsure of what it is. Maybe because its new and I'm still learning. My supervisor and senior co-workers have been giving me a lot of hope for this company and they have been telling me what a wonderful job I'm doing but I don't know I myself personally don't feel it. And now I'm adding on more hours with another client so I hope the anxiety will stop. I was going to talk to my doctor about it today but my dumb self got the time mixed up and totally missed my damn appointment. And my next won't be till February. Lucky me....

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I lost my mother about a month ago too. So I know and can relate to what you are going through. I have bad days and very bad days and nothing feels normal. Something inside me is broken and I believe that it will stay like that. I am hopeful though, that it wil get easier at some point. That I will digest what has happend and maybe accept it. Noone understands me. Noone can. My dad, though he is very sad, I can tell, doesn’t know how to approach me and how to talk about the situation. I am 16 years old. Most of my friends don’t know how to act around me or what to say and it just ends up being awkward. I have 2 or 3 friends to whom I feel comfortable to talk to but although they are there for me and they try, they can’t understand how I feel. I never cry in front of others, I just can’t. 

I’m sorry about you being sick and I hope you get better soon. 

I don’t know if you’d like it but you can message me if you want to talk to someone who can feel your pain and goes through the same stuff as you. 

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ItsComplicated

Hi, Cuzzy - I also lost my mother - much longer than five months ago. I remember well the pain of that first year. Please know that while a lot of people (and society in general) like to tell us that we should move on/be over it, in my experience that was about as effective as yelling at a brick wall. You feel how you feel for as long as you feel it. Further, I think that trying to pretend we feel other than we actually do is ultimately hard on ourselves in a different way. You can delay the process, but not avoid it. The best I can offer you is - your experience is not abnormal. There is nothing wrong with feeling deeply after a significant loss.

I'm sorry you've been physically sick. That certainly doesn't help with, well, anything. :(

My situation was also complicated by my own hopes and expectations from family and friends. I was let down time and time again. That made me feel very alone and isolated. It is good you are here, finding others who can relate to your situation. There are probably free or donation-based grief support groups in your area if you want to connect with some people face-to-face as well. If you don't know where to start looking, funeral homes and places of worship often can point you in a direction. 

I saw a counselor for awhile, too. Don't be afraid. Today, a lot of therapists have websites and you can get a feeling for what they are like from that. If you go to one and its not a fit, try another one. When you feel like you have limited people around you, it can be really useful to have a sympathetic ear to listen to you.

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thank you both. saturday i was a mess. sunday i was semi okay. and today wasn't too bad. it's literally a day to day thing. 

talking face to face isn't something i can do yet. cause well i will just sob lol but what i have found that helps is writing to my mom on her facebook page. i made it a memorial after she passed and so i use it as if i'm talking to her. 

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