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I witnessed my family die, My dad committed suicide


rhiaalex

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I was only 9 when my Uncle drowned in front of my very eyes. When they pulled him out the water with his tongue hanging out; Lifeless. When I felt numb in shock watching my loved ones run around the harbour screaming and crying. When the pain for the rest of my life would begin to set in, but the death wouldn't stop there. My father soon after committed suicide. Then lost 4 grandparents to death. I'm 18, and still too young to go through that amount of tragedy. I'm haunted, I'm bitterly angry. I hate my deceased father, how could he do this to me? choose to leave his children and kill himself. Its selfish. He's disgusting. I feel so much boiling anger at what happened. I felt extreme sadness, isolation, anger, depression, loss of appetite, anxiety about death. I fear death and the pain so much that I have dreams about my loved ones dying, reoccurring, different everytime. I'm scarred and want answers. I can't cope with the grief even when it was years ago. Heck, I even contemplated suicide and self harm several times, but never would I allow myself to do that, I'm too strong of a person. However, I feel so angry and grieved at what happened. It's a common feeling but when you're in your own shoes the feeling are so much stronger than anyone would ever understand, I would only be the one who would understand just how much it has affected me. I have experienced some tragic things and i'll never forgive my father for what he did, and what he has put me through.

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Dear rhiaalex,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. It is so hard to understand sometimes why someone would take this drastic action. I know it is horribly painful and it is only natural to have anger.  I hope you will consider talking to a grief counsellor or family therapist or maybe a support group would be helpful.

I feel it takes a long time to work through all your thoughts and feelings after so many losses.  I can't even begin to understand. A friend sent me an article how one man compared grief to a wave. And at first the waves feel like a 100 foot tall and eventually with more time and more help maybe they will feel like 20 foot waves.

Please know we are all here to listen. Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.

 

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Dear Rhiaalex,

I read your post shortly after you posted.  i thought, I don't think I can reply.  I'm sorry for your losses just doesn't seem to mean anything after reading your story.  Its truly devastating what you have been through and I think most of us can't even imagine the range of emotions you feel now and how they will evolve into more complex emotions later.  I wish I knew what to say.  I am very sorry for what you have suffered and how difficult it is going forward carrying it all.  I agree with reader, you need professional help from a grief councellor.  A safe place for you to talk.  I'm truly sorry for all the pain which has come into your life.

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