Members Boom Boom Posted December 20, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 I lost my wife 15 months ago and I just can't let go. I started communicating with a lady on a dating site. She has been very understanding but she is correct in that I need to get some help. I am empty inside and want to be happy again. I know that is what my wife would want for me. I have my reasons for not going to a church for help. thank youfor any advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveD Posted December 20, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 Boom Boom, I would suggest you read Michael Newton's books and have a medium reading. Dating should be started after you are psychologically ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 20, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 Boom Boom I am sorry for the loss of your wife, it is one of the hardest things we can go through in life. I wrote this based on my twelve year journey, and I hope you'll find something helpful for you. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.] In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted December 20, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 11 hours ago, Boom Boom said: I lost my wife 15 months ago and I just can't let go. I started communicating with a lady on a dating site. She has been very understanding but she is correct in that I need to get some help. I am empty inside and want to be happy again. I know that is what my wife would want for me. I have my reasons for not going to a church for help. thank youfor any advice Don’t believe you have to let go. Yes, you will have to move on and live a life without her, but, you don’t necessarily have to get over the loss. For me “Getting over” a death of someone so dear implies that you somehow return to normal at some point. Considering how closely interconnected my life was with my Charles, returning to normal is impossible.[2] Dating is an individual decision that one makes and if that is what you want, than by all means go for it; but it shouldn't be done just fill a void. I know the void that my Charles' death left in my life would never be filled the same way he filled it so I've decided that dating is not for me; a choice I've made for myself and am willing to live with it. There is just no space to let someone else in. There are no butterflies in my stomach that Charles gave me. I still have to continue to fill my own life with my own positive activities, people, and feelings; I could not put the pressure on someone else to fill Charles' place— it wouldn't be fair to that other person --if I did, neither one of us would ever be truly happy. I think after losing a spouse, putting your heart on the line may feel like the last thing in the world you want to do. But if you truly believe this is the path you want take and your heart is on that same journey than perhaps by interacting intimately with another, you may find a little bit more of yourself. And in time, if you wish, I hope that you’ll find someone new to share your life with. I commend you for knowing you need help through this grief and when a person’s grief-related thoughts, behaviors, or feelings are extremely distressful that cause others concern, perhaps a qualified mental health professional may be able to help. Therapy can be an effective way to learn to cope with the stressors associated with the loss and to manage symptoms with techniques such as relaxation or meditation. Each individual experience of grief is unique, complex, and personal, and therapists will tailor treatment to meet the specific needs of each person. In addition to individual therapy, group therapy can be helpful for those who find solace in the reciprocal sharing of thoughts and feelings, and recovery results are often rapid in this setting. I have had both, and both were instrumental in helping me get through this dark season in my life. Whatever you decide, know that you are in my prayers and I do hope you continue to post here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marcel Posted December 20, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 Do you want to let go? Do you want to date someone? Or is it just something people expect from you? Maybe it's possible to be happy again, but it'll never be the same though. My wife died a week before yours and I would never let go of my wife. Our marriage was the most important thing in my life and it's only now that I really appreciate this fact. I try to get on with my life, find things to make me happy again but she will always be with me and the thought about her not being around anymore will always bring me to tears. If you want to date other women that's fine and that doesn't mean letting go of your wife. But you have to make sure that's what you really want and not just using it as an escape route. Soem people find new love, some stay alone forever, there are no rules about which is right. Grief at your own pace and find out what you want to do with your life. But don't make any rush decisions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Autocharge Posted December 20, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 20, 2017 17 hours ago, Boom Boom said: I lost my wife 15 months ago and I just can't let go. I started communicating with a lady on a dating site. She has been very understanding but she is correct in that I need to get some help. I am empty inside and want to be happy again. I know that is what my wife would want for me. I have my reasons for not going to a church for help. thank youfor any advice Boom Boom, My thread Starts out with me telling about my experiences with online dating. It might just give you some insight. http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10742-autocharge-my-experience/ My last post has a table of contents for the thread. Autocharge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted December 21, 2017 Members Report Share Posted December 21, 2017 Boom Boom, I responded to you in another of your postings. I am sorry for your loss and know myself how confusing and lonely our life is now. I do agree with the advice of the others. Take your time to really figure out what you want. I am like Francine, in having made the choice not to look for another relationship. My husband and I were perfect together and my heart knows there will never be anyone else but him. Yes, our beloveds wish for us to be happy again, and it doesn't mean we have to "let go" of them either. You and your wife are always going to be a part of each other. She is a good part of the history of your life. Happiness can be found in many aspects of life, besides another relationship. I'm just saying that maybe you need more processing in your grief first, before deciding if dating and finding someone compatible and understanding of your loss, is what you truly want. Sending prayers for God's peace, comfort and blessings on your journey-------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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