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Still Rising

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Hello,

 

I had the first anniversary of my father's death 12/18/17. I lost my mom 11/6/13 and father 12/18/16. Almost 3 years apart to the month. I'm going through a lot and trying to deal with this and work.  I'm posting as this is an outlet for me to share my testimony and to continue to rise. My mother died of pancreatic cancer stage 4 and of course we found out when she was in stage 4. (36 days from admission to death). My father died of a heart trouble after overcoming a miracles of a heart attack no oxygen for 5 minutes and 89% of memory recovery (more than 3 minutes without oxygen causes brain damage). His heart was left with 25% functioning capability and was not strong enough to endure how his normal routine. Nevertheless, I'm here dealing with this.

The hardest part sometimes is others not understanding needing time alone or not wanting to hear about other's parents during the holidays. Is it too much to ask as the feelings can seem very fresh? Am I wrong for not rejoicing in their transition to heaven and grieving them? From a human perspective I'm not wrong as natural, and from a spiritual perspective I do feel like I could have a better perception and for the most part I push and push to maintain it. Then it's like a semi truck hitting me from seems like no where but it's from trying to not give in to the pain periodically as afraid to get stuck there.  It's a battle and a choice. I hope my testimony will bring some comfort to others as you're not alone and I hope that if someone has words of encouragement that they'll share.

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Dear still rising,

I’m sorry for your losses.  It’s very hard.  It will be my first Christmas without my mother and spending it alone.  I too loathe hearing about the holiday joy and excitement and sharing with families etc.  I hate it.  I feel like grief is like being in a war or the after affects of a tsunami where you’re just in no mans land and lost and vulnerable.  No one can understand this feeling unless they’ve been through it.  I don’t express this feeling but stupidly I somehow expect people to understand and be more sensitive.  They’re not.  Why should they be?  They can’t possibly know this pain because they haven’t gone through it.

 I’m so sorry for your losses.  The holidays magnify the loss.

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Still Rising,

I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I just lost my parents this year and I understand how it feels to not want to hear others talking about their parents. But you definitely shouldn't feel bad for needing time alone and needing time to grieve. Dealing with the holidays definitely doesn't lessen the pain.

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Thank you sadandlost and Ash. I'm truly sorry for both of your losses and thank you for your kind words.  sadandlost you're right, people do not understand. The interesting thing is even telling them, they still don't. As an Afro-American female, depression and sadness is frowned upon significantly in my community. The Afro-American man that I'm with leaves me with the belief that I'll be alone for the holidays as well as has been very mean, combative, argumentative etc because I'm not up to doing the tasks I was able to do when felt better. I've basically kissed his butt and begged and pleaded with him to stay to prevent being alone for the holidays. sadandlost, please know that if you allow someone to be there make sure that it's the right person. I moved too fast into this relationship so now instead of some happy thoughts/memories of my parents that would flow into me, I some  have painful thoughts.  My therapist did not really provide any direction as he knows that another loss would be devastating to me at this time, but I'm learning we have to see how strong and resilient we are! I'm a praying woman and will keep you both lifted up in prayer! I know that I'll be okay and I have to let go of the fear of another loss. It's like your mind has to reboot and everyone thinks you're the same before the losses. It's strange that people cannot put themselves in your shoes at times.

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Dear Still Rising,

I was not aware of depression being frowned on in the African American community?  I'm so sorry.  Its the most normal thing to be depressed after such a significant and important loss.  I have said it before in posts but I feel changed by losing my mother.  One can't just be how we were before.  I think it changes your place in the world.  It has for me anyway.  From what I have read that seems to be normal.  People can't relate because they haven't been through it.  If I'm honest, I couldn't relate before either!    I'm so sorry about your current relationship.  I can't advise, its too personal.  All I can say is do what you need to do for yourself.  If he wants to leave you when you're going through the worst time in your life?  It says more about him and who he is as a person.  Do you have a close girlfriend?  Its so hard I know.  I say things like I know something but I don't!  Because the reality is there is no cure for the pain of loss.  Sometimes the pain feels unending and I am consumed in it, other times I can go out and enjoy time with someone.  Sometimes when I'm with someone I just want to go home and be alone.  When you're grieving your emotions are all over the place.  Sometimes I feel quietly angry with everyone.  Sometimes I'm jealous of others who are happy.  I don't think anyone can put them selves in someone else shoes when they haven't experienced this type of loss.  We want them to but I don't think its possible.  So sorry.

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Dear Still Rising,

I'm sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is so hard. I wish more people could be more sensitive and compassionate about grief. The emotions of grief are very raw.

Thank you for being so encouraging and thoughtful.  I think your login Still Rising says it all. We all have to do the best we can to be kind to ourselves. And to continue surrounding ourselves with supportive people who will help us during this difficult time.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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SR-it has been a bit over a year since my Dad's S4 passing... 11.17.16 and your words touch me deeply.

The pain means it mattered. That is my only touch stone right now.

Hugs

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