Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Gabriel8

What a twelve-year-old son knew about his mother (& The Truth)

Recommended Posts

   When I was twelve I let my mother die; or so I thought... 

   The truth is that I wanted her to die, and so I believed it was my fault. I can't believe that I wanted my mother to die when I was a boy! What happened to that boy that he could have wanted for such a thing?! How could a child possibly want their own parent to die?! 

   I hate myself so much! I hate myself! 

   I killed her! I could have saved her. I could have saved my mother. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't given up on her? 

   It's all my fault! Why was I such a pitiless coward?!!! Why was I so stupid?!!! Why was I so WEAK?!!!

   I wished for her to die, and she took her life that night. She took her life that night. I gave up on her, and she took her life. She knew that we all hated her. She knew that I hated her. Her own son. Her own son wanted her dead, and that's why she killed herself. 

   That's what a twelve year old son knew about his mother. 

   ... And now I'm a man, and I still live in the truth of a twelve-year-old boy. There is no one whom I hate more than myself. I want to go back to that night; the night she took her life. I want to go back there to tell her one final thing before she goes: 

Mom, 

   I wanted you to die because I hated you because you were a monster to me! I wanted you to die because of the pain you were causing me! I hated you because of all the sick things you said to me when I was just a boy... Of all the ways you hurt me! 

   But I didn't kill you. I didn't have that power. Only you could do that. And only you could have saved yourself from your pain. 

   I don't hate you, anymore; but I did hate you then. And now I'm going to tell you something that I never could before, because I was always too scared: I forgive you. 

   You weren't the mother that I needed as a boy. You hurt me like no other human being could have, because of how much I loved you as a little boy. And I've kept myself from knowing that kind of love most of my whole life; because I didn't want to feel that kind of hurt again. And because I thought that it was my fault. 

   My only crime, when I was twelve and when you took your life, was that of being a boy. I did not kill you, even if I believed that to be true. It was how a twelve-year-old made sense of something too awful to understand. I am a grown man now, and I don't choose to live in the ways that a boy made sense of an adult world. I choose, now, to know the truth of a man who is reclaiming his life. For it was my life, too (my childhood, truly), that you took when you took your own. 

   So what is my truth now? 

   My truth is that I once loved deeply, as a boy; and that I can love as deeply again; because mine is a good soul, and always has been. 

   I have to live my life now. 

   Sincerely, 

   Gabriel

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i am so very sorry you have had to deal with this for so long. It definitely was not your fault your mom committed suicide. It was her decision. You were a child; no matter what you did, said or thought, you didn't control the situation. I'm glad you've come to realize that now. Live your life and love to the fullest. You deserve it. 

ModKonnie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On December 19, 2017 at 11:49 AM, ModKonnie said:

i am so very sorry you have had to deal with this for so long. It definitely was not your fault your mom committed suicide. It was her decision. You were a child; no matter what you did, said or thought, you didn't control the situation. I'm glad you've come to realize that now. Live your life and love to the fullest. You deserve it.

Thank you, @ModKonnie. Your supportive and reassuring words are much welcomed. I especially appreciated, "You were a child; no matter what you did, said or thought, you didn't control the situation." 

For all the negative I've had the misfortune to know in life, there are good people, like yourself, that remind me of the hope that never entirely left me. 

Your kindness goes farther than you can know. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×