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I feel I caused my Mother’s death


KarinBe

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Hi everyone, I'm posting this from Sweden so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. Here's my story..in 2013 my beloved Mother passed away suffering from pneumonia. She lived in a nursing home since a second stroke paralized her in 1998. The last night I was sitting by her bedside for some hours watching her breathe very hard and fast, no pauses. She was totally awake and alerte and the breathing had been going on for about 5 hours. Finally I rang the nurse and she came and gave my Mom 7.5 mg of Morphine and 5 mg of Stesolide( I don't know the word for this relaxing meds in English). After about 30 minutes I rang again in some kind of panic because I didn't think it eased the breathing that much. I was a fool thinking the meds would change my Mom's breathing... The nurse came again and I asked if she could have some more.. How I hate myself for this!!! The nurse said yes and gave her another injection and despite of what I thought and hoped for this seem to make her breathing more labored. I was in such denial, my brother and I had spoken to the doctor and the chief nurse earlier that day and asked them to try and save her, and we got some hope up, maybe there was a little chance she might live through this! Having had a sick Mother for 25 years, it was almost impossible to understand that this was it-she was going to die. Anyway, being in such a state of denial I went to bed thinking tomorrow was another day and we would try and save her. She died an hour after I went to bed and left her with a girl who worked there.. I torture myself every day for asking the nurse for more and then going to bed. I would have done everything to make this undone:( I feel totally devastated.

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Dear KarinBe,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Those of us who have lost a mother know the pain you feel.  We all replay the same stories in our head for so long.  me too.  Should have done this, could have done that, should not have left etc... We all feel tortured by the what ifs and the should haves.  Your mother was ill for a long time and it sounds like she didn't have much of quality of life recently.  You could not save her, you could not kill her either.  Its the nurses and doctors responsibility, certainly not yours.  I understand how devastated you are.  I still cry daily over the loss of my mother less than a year ago.  I think everyone would agree with me that you did not cause your mothers death.  You did the best you could in a very painful situation.  I am very sorry for your loss.

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Thank you so much, sadandlost, for your kind words! I am so sorry for you too, it’s terrible to loose your Mother.

I wake up every morning crying and I don’t know how I ever will be able to forgive myself.

There are so many things that went wrong, like I left and went to bed with a hope that I would see her in the morning so I was not saying goodbye:( 

How do you live with yourself, I don’t know...

Hugs to you, take care and think about that your Mother loves you and always will.

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