mom lost mom 10 years ago and still grieveing

[Sing098721]

I'm new to this forum but I lost my mom June 30, 2007... My sister passed when I was 4 in a car accident in 2003 and that's the point that my mom kind of gave up. She would cry about her nonstop which made me develop my anxiety pretty early on. She began having her heart attacks not too long after. I'm not sure how soon after but the first time and every time after is burnt in my mind. she was always rushed off to the hospital late at night/early in the morning. I always had to be pulled off her while she laid in the hospital bed. I would make my dad bring me to her if she had to stay for multiple days. She was my best friend.

When she came home she would act as if nothing had happened and take care of us all. Always had the house cleaned and dinner was always made.. Every morning before school I had to kiss her or I'd have this uneasy felling in my stomach all day. I always worried about her. I always wondered if she would be there when I got home or if she would be laying in another hospital bed.

By 2006 she already had 4- 5 heart attacks. Her doctor had told her to get her priorities in order. Her heart was barely working. I don't think she believed him. Her mom, my nana, died May 2007. I'll tell you now, that's when my mom totally left us. She was so heartbroken.

She went on a girls trip to Lake George in June. She was secretly planning a vacation for us. My sister and I stayed with my aunt Nadine while Michael J stayed with my uncle Michael. the first few days I had anxiety being away from her. I cried one whole night because I felt weird when her phone had no reception.

The next day she came home. She called my aunt after we had gotten burger king, I got 2 cheese burgers that day. She asked if we wanted to come home and we both said no. An ambulance rushed passed us on 208 and I felt weird. I said, "actually, I wanna go home."  She brought me home and my mom greeted us in the driveway. Nikki left and mom and I made plans to walk down the road since her car broke down.

Around 5, we walked to Evelyn's. I hung out with my best friend, Robert, while she hung out with hers.. Evelyn. we stayed until 12 and I remember she only had 2 beers which I found odd. I got tired and asked to go home.. they offered me to stay but again I got this uneasy feeling about my mom going home alone. She said, "look up a manatee and when I come down, we'll go home." Robert and I googled them and when she came back downstairs we left. As we walked up the hill, she held her chest and was breathing heavily. I said, "are you okay mommy?" and she said, "yeah I'm okay. I just had an iced tea today and they give me heartburn." We walked home my arm around her. When we got home, she heated up my second burger and put me to sleep in my dads room. she kissed me goodnight and said I love you.

In the morning, I heard my dad repeatedly yelling what I thought was "gabby, wake up!" I came out to the living room where my mom slept, rubbed my eyes, looked up and saw it. My mom on the floor of our living room; her lips purple, her body lifeless and my dad giving her CPR. I just began screaming and ran out the front door. I could hear my dad on the phone saying his fiancé wasn't breathing and was purple and had had a heart attack.

Eventually the paramedic's had showed up, they asked me what happened and I said " my mommy's on the floor with purple lips, please help her"and they rushed in. I watched as all of my neighbors piled out of their homes as they always did when my mom was rushed off to the hospital. I watched as they read the directions for the defibrillator and my dad pushed him because he was taking too long. We were both removed from the room. Two of my aunts arrived. My aunt Nadine took me into the kitchen where she sobbed and I just stared at the wall in shock. She turned to me and said, "why aren't crying? aren't you upset?" and I immediately lost it.

My other aunt and I walked to her car while all of my neighbors stared and I couldn't help but have this feeling of embarrassment wash over me. I still don't understand why. Soon, I was at my aunt Theresa's and Nikki was dropped off. I walked back and forth throughout the house just wondering what if she doesn't make it.. what if I'm the only one without a mom... what are we going to do??A car pulled up; my uncle and dad. First my uncle and through the window I saw him remove his hat and then I saw my dad close behind. I ran to the door. As it opened I said, " daddy, did mommy make it??" and he said " no baby, I'm sorry.. mommy's dead." I collapsed in my aunts arms screaming. This was the worst day of my life.