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I caused my Mother’s death:(


KarinBe

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Hi everyone, I'm posting this from Sweden so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. Here's my story..in 2013 my beloved Mother passed away suffering from pneumonia. She lived in a nursing home since a second stroke paralized her in 1998. The last night I was sitting by her bedside for some hours watching her breathe very hard and fast, no pauses. She was totally awake and alerte and the breathing had been going on for about 5 hours. Finally I rang the nurse and she came and gave my Mom 7.5 mg of Morphine and 5 mg of Stesolide( I don't know the word for this relaxing meds in English). After about 30 minutes I rang again in some kind of panic because I didn't think it eased the breathing that much. I was a fool thinking the meds would change my Mom's breathing, but I did hope it would... The nurse came again and I asked if she could have some more.. How I hate myself for this!!! The nurse said yes and gave her another injection and despite of what I thought and hoped for this seem to make her breathing more labored. I was in such denial, my brother and I had spoken to the doctor and the chief nurse earlier that day and asked them to try and save her, and we got some hope up, maybe there was a little chance she might live through this! Having had a sick Mother for 25 years, it was almost impossible to understand that this was it-she was going to die. Anyway, being in such a state of denial I went to bed thinking tomorrow was another day and we would try and save her. She died an hour after I went to bed and left her with a girl who worked there.. I torture myself every day for asking the nurse for more and then going to bed. I would have done everything to make this undone:( I feel totally devastated.
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Hi Karin, I understand  your feelings and am really sorry for your loss. I really am. Cause I my self recently lost my dearest cat.

And I felt guilty too about his death. But we should not feel guilty as in this life certain things happen in their own ways and our interference has no impact. Life is filled with uncontrollable situations. 

I know how hard it is to loose a parent. Specially the Mother. But I see that you have done everything with good intention. Your sole aim was to let her breath well and live more. It's the intention that matters. You should not feel guilty and be burning inside. I am saying this cause I was burning inside too until I came here. 

You loved and took care of your mom. Even the last dosage was requested only to help her breath well. So Karin let's be strong. You have to understand that you did everything possible only to keep her alive.

I wish you can find your mental peace very soon. I wish you be happy and may you be able help many more people and animals. That way it helps to find happiness and ease your unnecessary  guilt.

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