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The one month mark - losing the love of my life


lovingstill

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Today marks a month since I found the love of my life nearly paralyzed, a month from that night when he passed away. It hasn’t gotten easier. His services haven’t happened yet.

I can’t think of a future without him. I can’t envision myself going on like this. I know, I’m only 29, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I lost my soulmate, “the one,” as cliché as it is. 

What he gave me can’t be described in words because it was just so much. Every day I go to sleep bawling my eyes out and wake up cursing myself for still being alive. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself but if there’s even a minor chance that we could be together in some sort of afterlife, I’d prefer that to this. I’m not even really living anymore — I can’t — I’m surviving. The depression that has overcome me has completely debilitated me. I’m not functional, I first welcomed guests yesterday. I moved in with my parents after he passed which has been helpful but it’s not where I thought I’d be or what I wanted.

A month ago, we were planning a trip, getting ready to go somewhere. We were talking about our future, about children, about our long term plan. All of that has changed, in the course of a month. 

The only thing keeping me going is the thought that we’ll one day be reunited. I’ve sought spirituality, guidance, a belief in something beyond what there is now. I know he’s out there; I know I’ll see him again. I’ve felt him, dreamed of him, talked to him. He’s still not here. 

And no matter how “good” I get at communicating with him myself, nothing will bring him physically back, and that’s going to always be hard for me to accept. 

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At this point you can't be expected to do anything more than you are or to feel any differently than you do.  This is a long journey, it will take all of it to adjust to this loss, to build a life you can live, to find purpose in living.  At one month out I wanted to wrap my car around a tree at 120 mph.  I'm glad I didn't.  My beliefs wouldn't allow it, nor would I want to do that to my family.  But it's honestly what I FELT like doing.  It will get better.  You will always love him, always miss him, but at some point, I can't say when, we learn to smile again, we carry our grief with us and feel it even as we smile or feel momentary joy.  We learn to coexist with our grief.  But that's preferable to the stage where all you feel is this intense pain and you feel you can't do it another day.

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I'm about a week why of a month, I'm at 26 days. I know exactly what you mean and how you feel it's indescribable what you two had when you finally found the person you wanted to spend your life with and then just taken from you. Having all these plans and seeing your future with the one that you've waited for. It's heartbreaking. I've always believed in God I just never went to church didnt i really care about going. I thought i dont need to go because i had my own friendship with god that i didnt need someone preaching to me. My sister's dragged me out of the house a few days after he passed and made me go to church with them. Once I got there they were so open and kind. When the service got going all I could think about is why should I be happy with god if he took my one person from me and put me through this. I opened myself and listened, I felt comfort after truly listening. Turns out I really connected to the preacher because he had lost his daughter and he was able help me in my grieving process I found talking about it to close people has helped me. Your going to have days where it feels like your not going to make it where you just don't get out of bed. There are days where I could be at work having a conversation with someone and one word is said where I just break down because it sparked a memory. I feel like not going on anymore and honestly thought I don't mind if something were to happen to me and still do. But I know that's not what Eric would want me to do i don't want to disappoint him. I want him to be proud of me. There's going to be a second wave where your going to feel like everyone is forgetting and continue on with their lives and your just stuck here and that's when your going to need your family and close friends the most. And as long as I'm breathing he will never be forgotten.

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I am 29 too.

I am at 60 days. He was my soulmate too. Our age doesn't matter - Our souls know when we have found the one.

I know my love is around as well. He lets me know... Dreams, feelings, unbelievable happenings (every time I head down to the beach in front of my house and ask him for a sign, I see something spectacular - once it was whales swimming through which is rare, another time it was sea lions playing around, another it was loons swimming and calling, and a blue heron flew over me this morning in the fog), psychic connection (his voice telling me something or responding to a thought I have - and knowing it's not my own brain responding because I don't think or talk the way the responses come to me). He showed me a bright red finch/wild bird once in my mind's eye, I've yet to figure out what that means or how it relates and I haven't seen one for real yet.

But... he's not physically there, and nothing I do is going to bring him back. No amount of begging or bargaining (and there has been much of that). That's the worst part... The longing for someone you know is never coming back in their physical form.

The only thing you can do... Is what you know he would want you to do. And take it one moment at a time. Not an hour, not a day, not a week or a month... A moment.

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22 hours ago, Nickole said:

I'm about a week why of a month, I'm at 26 days. I know exactly what you mean and how you feel it's indescribable what you two had when you finally found the person you wanted to spend your life with and then just taken from you. Having all these plans and seeing your future with the one that you've waited for. It's heartbreaking. I've always believed in God I just never went to church didnt i really care about going. I thought i dont need to go because i had my own friendship with god that i didnt need someone preaching to me. My sister's dragged me out of the house a few days after he passed and made me go to church with them. Once I got there they were so open and kind. When the service got going all I could think about is why should I be happy with god if he took my one person from me and put me through this. I opened myself and listened, I felt comfort after truly listening. Turns out I really connected to the preacher because he had lost his daughter and he was able help me in my grieving process I found talking about it to close people has helped me. Your going to have days where it feels like your not going to make it where you just don't get out of bed. There are days where I could be at work having a conversation with someone and one word is said where I just break down because it sparked a memory. I feel like not going on anymore and honestly thought I don't mind if something were to happen to me and still do. But I know that's not what Eric would want me to do i don't want to disappoint him. I want him to be proud of me. There's going to be a second wave where your going to feel like everyone is forgetting and continue on with their lives and your just stuck here and that's when your going to need your family and close friends the most. And as long as I'm breathing he will never be forgotten.

Nickole,

I'm glad you have a pastor that can understand, that you can relate to.  I've found my church to be an extended family that I need all the more now that I've lost George.

I felt as you did in the beginning, didn't want to live.  I don't want to miss out on anything, but life is vastly different than it was, it's nothing like it was then.

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It will be 14 weeks on the 21st of December since Lauri died. I'm honestly not sure what to say that will help. I have taken this a moment at a time for most of my journey.

I am at very strange place right now. It is difficult to describe. Sometimes I feel like I am totally numb and have no feelings at all. While the pain is not as intense all throughout the day it remains and is a constant reminder of how much I miss her. I realize I am contradicting myself by describing my feelings after I said I was numb. It is a strange place right now for me.

It's worse at night. When things are quiet and I know Lauri is not in the bed with me I get overwhelmed. When I say my prayers before I get into the bed I am overwhelmed. For me, overwhelmed is best described as uncontrollable sobbing and feeling like I am completely lost. 

I will visit Lauri's grave on Friday this week. I'm going on Friday so I will not run into her parents. Somehow, visiting her grave gives me comfort. I do not know why this only that I need to go.

I apologize if none of this makes sense. I have found writing to be helpful but I cannot write anything right now. I believe it's the holiday season.

 

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55 minutes ago, Paluka said:

It will be 14 weeks on the 21st of December since Lauri died. I'm honestly not sure what to say that will help. I have taken this a moment at a time for most of my journey.

I am at very strange place right now. It is difficult to describe. Sometimes I feel like I am totally numb and have no feelings at all. While the pain is not as intense all throughout the day it remains and is a constant reminder of how much I miss her. I realize I am contradicting myself by describing my feelings after I said I was numb. It is a strange place right now for me.

It's worse at night. When things are quiet and I know Lauri is not in the bed with me I get overwhelmed. When I say my prayers before I get into the bed I am overwhelmed. For me, overwhelmed is best described as uncontrollable sobbing and feeling like I am completely lost. 

I will visit Lauri's grave on Friday this week. I'm going on Friday so I will not run into her parents. Somehow, visiting her grave gives me comfort. I do not know why this only that I need to go.

I apologize if none of this makes sense. I have found writing to be helpful but I cannot write anything right now. I believe it's the holiday season.

 

I completely understand. It's something only those of us who have been brought to this forum can understand. I am so sorry. I didn't break down yesterday -- the one month mark. Today I spent three straight hours bawling my eyes out. We have a tape of us singing "My Heart Will Go On" at karaoke and I found it today. It's beautiful and sad. I will be spending some time with his parents over the holidays, which I'm actually excited about. I can't keep doing this alone. It really is worse at night. I haven't slept alone in so long and it's all I do now.

If he had a grave, I'd be there often. He was cremated, and his services haven't even happened yet...look at that, a month out. I'm still clinging on to the unrealistic hope that he'll come home or that he's on vacation. Is that crazy? Writing that just made me start crying again. I never know what will do it. A psychiatrist put me on antidepressants soon after his passing -- my first time ever at a psychiatrist -- and I tried it for two days but it didn't really make a difference. I guess if I tried it long term it might, but I want to feel this because I know I'm honoring him.

We're in solidarity.  It's a terrible time of year; any time is an awful time for them to be gone, but the loss is so much more profound right now because I would have been spending every minute with him. Last year, we were on vacation in the Caribbean in December. This year, I'm by myself in the dead of winter, wishing every day that the next day I don't wake up.

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Hi all,

I was thinking of some of the posts I’ve made here.

i was admitted to the hospital last night — no prompting had severe abdominal pain and a ton of bleeding. I’m living with my parents since his passing and my dad found me in the hallway struggling to move, struggling to stand, struggling to sit, breathing heavily. It all started as I was getting ready for bed; I had been fine and then I was suddenly overcome by an intense pain and a ton of bleeding.

When I arrived at the hospital, I found out I also have a heart rate that is MUCH too high. For all of these reasons, I’ve been admitted to the hospital. I had seven vials of blood drawn, had a CT scan, had a

full physical and they decided I have to be admitted and might need surgery. Still don’t know why. 

The abdominal pain and bleeding I can’t explain but I’m not surprised by my “broken heart.” 

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42 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

I found out I also have a heart rate that is MUCH too high

Sorry to hear about your high heart rate, maybe it's comforting to know I also suffer from a heart arrhythmia it causes me to have  high heart rates , up to 280 beats a second for a few seconds. Over 11 years I've had 5 surgeries and I now manage it with just a little bit of medication. I hope it works out for you, it is manageable just give the doctor's some time .

 

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3 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Hi all,

I was thinking of some of the posts I’ve made here.

i was admitted to the hospital last night — no prompting had severe abdominal pain and a ton of bleeding. I’m living with my parents since his passing and my dad found me in the hallway struggling to move, struggling to stand, struggling to sit, breathing heavily. It all started as I was getting ready for bed; I had been fine and then I was suddenly overcome by an intense pain and a ton of bleeding.

When I arrived at the hospital, I found out I also have a heart rate that is MUCH too high. For all of these reasons, I’ve been admitted to the hospital. I had seven vials of blood drawn, had a CT scan, had a

full physical and they decided I have to be admitted and might need surgery. Still don’t know why. 

The abdominal pain and bleeding I can’t explain but I’m not surprised by my “broken heart.” 

This sounds serious.  I'm sorry to hear about the "additional pain."   Sometimes, I wish I can develop medical complications myself.  This is probably the first time in my life where I dread having "good health."     I'm sure you will be OK and you will not go through any more additional suffering... you will be back on this forum with all of us in no time.    If it means anything, just know that there is life on the other side... and it's more beautiful than ever there.    There is no need for fear.   Whether it's here, or there, life will continue on.

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21 hours ago, Paluka said:

It will be 14 weeks on the 21st of December since Lauri died. I'm honestly not sure what to say that will help. I have taken this a moment at a time for most of my journey.

I am at very strange place right now. It is difficult to describe. Sometimes I feel like I am totally numb and have no feelings at all. While the pain is not as intense all throughout the day it remains and is a constant reminder of how much I miss her. I realize I am contradicting myself by describing my feelings after I said I was numb. It is a strange place right now for me.

It's worse at night. When things are quiet and I know Lauri is not in the bed with me I get overwhelmed. When I say my prayers before I get into the bed I am overwhelmed. For me, overwhelmed is best described as uncontrollable sobbing and feeling like I am completely lost. 

I will visit Lauri's grave on Friday this week. I'm going on Friday so I will not run into her parents. Somehow, visiting her grave gives me comfort. I do not know why this only that I need to go.

I apologize if none of this makes sense. I have found writing to be helpful but I cannot write anything right now. I believe it's the holiday season.

 

Everything you say makes sense and all of your feelings are normal for someone going through grief.  I tried sleeping in our bed but changed to our loveseat recliner over 12 years ago.  I can't make myself get rid of the bed nor go back to it.  It's like a huge reminder that he's gone.  Not that I don't know he's gone.  The odd feelings we feel, nothing needs to make sense, just to be gotten through somehow.  We lead ourselves by what brings us comfort or at least less pain.

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3 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Hi all,

I was thinking of some of the posts I’ve made here.

i was admitted to the hospital last night — no prompting had severe abdominal pain and a ton of bleeding. I’m living with my parents since his passing and my dad found me in the hallway struggling to move, struggling to stand, struggling to sit, breathing heavily. It all started as I was getting ready for bed; I had been fine and then I was suddenly overcome by an intense pain and a ton of bleeding.

When I arrived at the hospital, I found out I also have a heart rate that is MUCH too high. For all of these reasons, I’ve been admitted to the hospital. I had seven vials of blood drawn, had a CT scan, had a

full physical and they decided I have to be admitted and might need surgery. Still don’t know why. 

The abdominal pain and bleeding I can’t explain but I’m not surprised by my “broken heart.” 

OMG!  I hope they take good care of you.  No, nothing surprises me, this is hard on our physical bodies as well as our emotions.

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22 hours ago, Paluka said:

I apologize if none of this makes sense. I have found writing to be helpful but I cannot write anything right now. I believe it's the holiday season.

It makes a whole lot of sense.  There is no flow or natural effect of how grief comes.  Although they say there are 5 stages of grief, none of them are sequential as portrayed in literature.  The reality is that they are all meshed together and are convoluted.  It drives us to have different thoughts, emotions, and feelings.   There will be many times during grief where we can't really describe where we are, yet, we are able to express some feelings that are being generated at the same time.    For me, I'm at this stage where I am in pain, but I am not overwelhmed with emotions.  Yet, I will like I'm just rotting because I have no desire to really do anything.  It feels like I'm in a blank environment with all of the surroudings being neutral.  I'm just existing just to exist.  Time is time.  I am at a standstill but I really don't care.   Almost feels like a teacher put me in the corner for time-out yet I don't care.

 

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36 minutes ago, KayC said:

Everything you say makes sense and all of your feelings are normal for someone going through grief.  I tried sleeping in our bed but changed to our loveseat recliner over 12 years ago.  I can't make myself get rid of the bed nor go back to it.  It's like a huge reminder that he's gone.  Not that I don't know he's gone.  The odd feelings we feel, nothing needs to make sense, just to be gotten through somehow.  We lead ourselves by what brings us comfort or at least less pain.

The bed setup is an interesting issue for me.  Months ago, I posted to get other people's thoughts about which side of the bed to sleep on.  In my earlier months, I stayed on my side of the bed so as to leave the other side free for my wife ....  however, seeing the sheets completely undisturbed on her side made it difficult as I got into  the earlier months.   Now, I've realized that I feel so much better by sleeping on HER side.   As others have said who has done this, it makes me feel closer and connected to her.     It's interesting how something so small and moot (to others) can be so meaningful for us.   As someone else has said in a post yesterday, grief is much more than any of us ever imagined it to be.

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On 17/12/2017 at 1:22 PM, lovingstill said:

Today marks a month since I found the love of my life nearly paralyzed, a month from that night when he passed away. It hasn’t gotten easier. His services haven’t happened yet.

I can’t think of a future without him. I can’t envision myself going on like this. I know, I’m only 29, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I lost my soulmate, “the one,” as cliché as it is. 

What he gave me can’t be described in words because it was just so much. Every day I go to sleep bawling my eyes out and wake up cursing myself for still being alive. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself but if there’s even a minor chance that we could be together in some sort of afterlife, I’d prefer that to this. I’m not even really living anymore — I can’t — I’m surviving. The depression that has overcome me has completely debilitated me. I’m not functional, I first welcomed guests yesterday. I moved in with my parents after he passed which has been helpful but it’s not where I thought I’d be or what I wanted.

A month ago, we were planning a trip, getting ready to go somewhere. We were talking about our future, about children, about our long term plan. All of that has changed, in the course of a month. 

The only thing keeping me going is the thought that we’ll one day be reunited. I’ve sought spirituality, guidance, a belief in something beyond what there is now. I know he’s out there; I know I’ll see him again. I’ve felt him, dreamed of him, talked to him. He’s still not here. 

And no matter how “good” I get at communicating with him myself, nothing will bring him physically back, and that’s going to always be hard for me to accept. 

Hi lovingstill, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm about the same point as you, having lost my wife just over a month ago. She was only 31, and I'm 30. I feel similar (not the same - it's never the same) to how you feel, especially about losing my soulmate and that I wouldn't care if my health deteriorated so that I could be with my wife again. I wish I could offer some profound words, but as others have stated above, taking it at your own grieving pace is important, and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

Hopefully welcoming your first guests brought some comfort, even if just a smidgen. While it might seem hard to let others in at the moment, know that people do want to comfort and be there for you (including the community on the forum here). I think that this may be especially important around the festive period as what I've read (and what I am definitely feeling) is that this period can amplify feelings of loneliness, numbness and emptiness. I've found that it helps to have someone in the same room as you sometimes, even if you are still just quiet or upset. And while no-one will ever replace our soulmates, it is good to know we're not alone in this world. Thinking of you.

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5 hours ago, Azipod said:

The bed setup is an interesting issue for me.  Months ago, I posted to get other people's thoughts about which side of the bed to sleep on.  In my earlier months, I stayed on my side of the bed so as to leave the other side free for my wife ....  however, seeing the sheets completely undisturbed on her side made it difficult as I got into  the earlier months.   Now, I've realized that I feel so much better by sleeping on HER side.   As others have said who has done this, it makes me feel closer and connected to her.     It's interesting how something so small and moot (to others) can be so meaningful for us.   As someone else has said in a post yesterday, grief is much more than any of us ever imagined it to be.

I am glad that I am not the only one who does this - it's reassuring to know. Thank you. Do you find that cuddling up to anything helps as well? Personally, I use one of my wive's fluffy blankets as a comfort currently

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3 hours ago, Perfalcon said:

I am glad that I am not the only one who does this - it's reassuring to know. Thank you. Do you find that cuddling up to anything helps as well? Personally, I use one of my wive's fluffy blankets as a comfort currently

I've met another person who would sleep next to or cuddle with their partner's shirt.  I haven't done that.  But I can see how it could be comforting.   What I've realized lately is that I've been naturally moving my head to rest on the edge of my wife's pillow   It's unintended but its occurring naturally.   We are not odd at all.   Everything we do are understood by all on this forum.

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3 hours ago, Perfalcon said:

Hi lovingstill, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm about the same point as you, having lost my wife just over a month ago. She was only 31, and I'm 30. I feel similar (not the same - it's never the same) to how you feel, especially about losing my soulmate and that I wouldn't care if my health deteriorated so that I could be with my wife again. I wish I could offer some profound words, but as others have stated above, taking it at your own grieving pace is important, and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

How are you fitting into your social, professional, and grief population?   My wife and I are a few years ahead of you but we are also in our 30s nevertheless.  I have yet to come across another widow or widower in their 30s -- at least not locally.   It's tough to see others in this age group building their lives, starting a family, sharing photos of their kids, while I'm here, newly singled and widowed.   It sucks big time.   To some extent, I feel like I'm branded and I'm viewed as baggage.

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7 hours ago, Azipod said:

How are you fitting into your social, professional, and grief population?   My wife and I are a few years ahead of you but we are also in our 30s nevertheless.  I have yet to come across another widow or widower in their 30s -- at least not locally.   It's tough to see others in this age group building their lives, starting a family, sharing photos of their kids, while I'm here, newly singled and widowed.   It sucks big time.   To some extent, I feel like I'm branded and I'm viewed as baggage.

29 (as you know) but I think the experiences are similar. We’ve lost the loves of our lives very young. I’ve found nobody locally who shares my experience. My step grandfather, who was 40 when my grandmother (55, that cougar :)) died has actually been the closest thing to “community” I’ve found... and his circumstances are just so different, but he also suffered a tremendous loss at a young age. 

I found a bereavement group for people who’ve lost their partners here and “young widows and widowers” group but it’s centered around people 45-55. 

It’s hard to be us and be young because older couples often get the chance to experience the world together, children, family, personal growth. We do some of that but when someone is ripped from you, like our loves were, so young, we  lose a lot of these things. We’ll never have children together; that’s the biggest killer. This community has let me “meet” people like me who know what this journey is like, and our shared grief builds what I consider my support community. Nobody understands like the people here do.

Still in the hospital...will keep you all updated. Internal gastrointestinal bleeding but still don’t know why. 

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8 hours ago, Azipod said:

How are you fitting into your social, professional, and grief population?   My wife and I are a few years ahead of you but we are also in our 30s nevertheless.  I have yet to come across another widow or widower in their 30s -- at least not locally.   It's tough to see others in this age group building their lives, starting a family, sharing photos of their kids, while I'm here, newly singled and widowed.   It sucks big time.   To some extent, I feel like I'm branded and I'm viewed as baggage.

Socially, I don't really feel that I'm fitting in - while I have a couple friends who are happy to talk and comfort me, I've had other friends who seem to just ignore me, possibly due to the perceived awkwardness or the emotion involved. I don't think most people our age can comprehend what it feels like in anyway. I feel isolated often. Like you, I have not come across any other widowers in their 30s, except on here. I know it's unjust, but I get jealous hearing about people who have had more of their lives together, including having a family, etc. A longer life together allows you to bond more with others as well, which we never got to do really. Without those ties and bonds, it is easy to feel we're intruding on other people and to feel like baggage that is unwanted by most people. It's hard

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1 hour ago, lovingstill said:

29 (as you know) but I think the experiences are similar. We’ve lost the loves of our lives very young. I’ve found nobody locally who shares my experience. My step grandfather, who was 40 when my grandmother (55, that cougar :)) died has actually been the closest thing to “community” I’ve found... and his circumstances are just so different, but he also suffered a tremendous loss at a young age. 

I found a bereavement group for people who’ve lost their partners here and “young widows and widowers” group but it’s centered around people 45-55. 

It’s hard to be us and be young because older couples often get the chance to experience the world together, children, family, personal growth. We do some of that but when someone is ripped from you, like our loves were, so young, we  lose a lot of these things. We’ll never have children together; that’s the biggest killer. This community has let me “meet” people like me who know what this journey is like, and our shared grief builds what I consider my support community. Nobody understands like the people here do.

Still in the hospital...will keep you all updated. Internal gastrointestinal bleeding but still don’t know why. 

I'm the same. Any groups I've found have a majority of people a bit older, and therefore, I feel, cannot really understand what it is like to lose someone at the start of their journeys. This community is good in that way that it has allowed me to find people like you, but it would still be nice to have people locally who understood more.

Sorry to hear about your additional pain at the moment. Hope you get better soon.

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20 hours ago, Azipod said:

It makes a whole lot of sense.  There is no flow or natural effect of how grief comes.  Although they say there are 5 stages of grief, none of them are sequential as portrayed in literature.  The reality is that they are all meshed together and are convoluted.  It drives us to have different thoughts, emotions, and feelings.   There will be many times during grief where we can't really describe where we are, yet, we are able to express some feelings that are being generated at the same time.    For me, I'm at this stage where I am in pain, but I am not overwelhmed with emotions.  Yet, I will like I'm just rotting because I have no desire to really do anything.  It feels like I'm in a blank environment with all of the surroudings being neutral.  I'm just existing just to exist.  Time is time.  I am at a standstill but I really don't care.   Almost feels like a teacher put me in the corner for time-out yet I don't care.

 

The five stages of grief was written for medical not death but even so, I don't know any current grief counselors that ascribe to it.  The truth is, as you've already discovered, we might go through any or none of those stages in any random order, overlap, or back and forth, or other stages besides.  And it's different for everyone.  The "stage" we are in is whatever we are experiencing right now.  I started with shock, then anxiety, frantic, wanting to talk to someone, anyone.  Fear.  Crying, sobbing outbursts.  Triggers.  Anger for a time.  Not wanting to be alone.  Oh Lord it took me years to calm down somewhat, to process my grief, it was a lot of effort and exhausting.  It took more time yet to find purpose.  And more yet to build a life I can live.  Those early days/years were really really hard.  I was ill prepared for what I was to go through, I had not a clue, had much to learn.

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17 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I found a bereavement group for people who’ve lost their partners here and “young widows and widowers” group but it’s centered around people 45-55. 

It’s hard to be us and be young because older couples often get the chance to experience the world together, children, family, personal growth. We do some of that but when someone is ripped from you, like our loves were, so young, we  lose a lot of these things. We’ll never have children together; that’s the biggest killer. This community has let me “meet” people like me who know what this journey is like, and our shared grief builds what I consider my support community. Nobody understands like the people here do.

Still in the hospital...will keep you all updated. Internal gastrointestinal bleeding but still don’t know why. 

Go with the 45-55 group.  It's doable.  I found that I could connect with widows/widowers even in the upper age group.  Along those lines, I cannot connect with someone who is around my age with a loss that does not involve a partner.    45-55 is not old at all and it's actually considered young as well.  

Internal bleeding?  That sounds bad.  I hope you are not in pain.  Stay well and take care of yourself.  Keep us updated!

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16 hours ago, Perfalcon said:

Socially, I don't really feel that I'm fitting in - while I have a couple friends who are happy to talk and comfort me, I've had other friends who seem to just ignore me, possibly due to the perceived awkwardness or the emotion involved. I don't think most people our age can comprehend what it feels like in anyway. I feel isolated often. Like you, I have not come across any other widowers in their 30s, except on here. I know it's unjust, but I get jealous hearing about people who have had more of their lives together, including having a family, etc. A longer life together allows you to bond more with others as well, which we never got to do really. Without those ties and bonds, it is easy to feel we're intruding on other people and to feel like baggage that is unwanted by most people. It's hard

It is hard indeed.  I have a few new colleagues at work who are in my age group.  It is odd for me to tell them about my situation when it is brought up.  It's not because I'm not comfortable talking about my loss, but it has more to do with just how "unlucky" and how "different" I am from the general population.

I agree with you about losing a partner young... and lose all possibility of a future with that person.  I still cannot fathom how I could return to my wife's grave in a decade or two, and still see her as the young woman she was while I continue to age into my upper years.  Heck, I still feel that I won't even last that long.

I really don't even care.   I gave up my morning oatmeal.  Who cares about having a good healthy breakfast!  We will all go one day.  For me, the earlier the better so I don't have to deal with this misery.

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I guess I went to taking care of myself not so I could live longer but so I could feel better while I do have to be here, I kind of need any help I can get!

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I'm back! I received a referral to a phenomenal specialist in my city who should be able to take it from here -- who I'll see in the first week of January, in part because that's when my insurance for my new state goes into effect. And out just in time for the holidays... I was nervous I might still be there for his services which haven't happened yet and are nowhere near my house.

Today, I received a really beautiful email from a friend of a friend, who I've gotten to know over the years, but I haven't seen in about a year. Her boyfriend of 12 years died just before she turned 30, and she was a complete wreck.

I wanted to share it with all of you because it was really quite beautiful and probably the most "raw" thing I've heard from people I know "IRL" since his passing. Most people talk about God's plan, God's will, it being his time, etc...I don't believe any of that. Anyway, here it is-- her words really touched me. I was just getting home and saw this on my phone and the first thing I did was turn on my computer to respond to her.

Quote
I know you are going through a difficult time right now. (That is an understatement if there ever was one.) I just wanted to send you a quick note that I am deeply sorry for your loss (also a crude understatement) and that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Not many people know this but when I was 28, my boyfriend of 12 years died unexpectedly in a plane crash. I still have nightmares. I dream of him so much--- that I could have warned him, that I could have saved him, that he's still alive somewhere. He's still in my heart and mind, and though that doesn't take away the pain, I can tell you it gets better. Over time it gets less sharp somehow.
 
That's really the only way I know how to explain it, but I wish I could say something more comforting. Grief is messy and nonlinear, and though it never becomes less profound, it does change. I know we are not close, but I am here if you ever want to talk or if you just want to be on the phone with someone in complete silence to know there is someone there. This is a sincere offer and I would never think you were weak or needy for taking me up on it. I keep my phone on vibrate next to my bed and the number is in my signature line.
 
Once again, I am so sorry that your love, that this amazing person was taken away from you and the world so soon and so unexpectedly, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through and living with/without everyday. 
 

 

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Your friend gets it, she's been there.  She is absolutely correct.  The intensity of the pain lessens to something a little more bearable, and our grief evolves as our bodies begin to adjust to the changes this means for us.  We continue missing them no matter how much time passes.  And your friend is offering you the one thing that seems to be of comfort, sitting with you in your pain.  No platitudes, no cliches. 

I agree with you, I don't see this as being something God willed for us or did to us, I know life happens, death happens, it's unfair, there's no explaining it, why some people get to spend their whole lives together and others are cut short, I don't see this as something planned, that would be too cruel, it's something we have to learn to live with and bear, that doesn't mean it's ever easy, it's not.

(((hugs)))  I'm glad you have at least one person that understands.  If I see any purpose in having gone through this it is this" "who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Cor. 1:4

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On 12/22/2017 at 5:39 PM, lovingstill said:

I'm back! I received a referral to a phenomenal specialist in my city who should be able to take it from here -- who I'll see in the first week of January, in part because that's when my insurance for my new state goes into effect. And out just in time for the holidays... I was nervous I might still be there for his services which haven't happened yet and are nowhere near my house.

Today, I received a really beautiful email from a friend of a friend, who I've gotten to know over the years, but I haven't seen in about a year. Her boyfriend of 12 years died just before she turned 30, and she was a complete wreck.

I wanted to share it with all of you because it was really quite beautiful and probably the most "raw" thing I've heard from people I know "IRL" since his passing. Most people talk about God's plan, God's will, it being his time, etc...I don't believe any of that. Anyway, here it is-- her words really touched me. I was just getting home and saw this on my phone and the first thing I did was turn on my computer to respond to her.

 

It's so nice of her to reach out to you.  She knows this journey as she has experienced it first-hand herself.  We should all keep these kind gestures in mind.  Down the line, we will all have our own opportunity to sprinkle some healing/comfort to others who are in need.   We will have more members in our terrible club.... that's for sure.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

It's so nice of her to reach out to you.  She knows this journey as she has experienced it first-hand herself.  We should all keep these kind gestures in mind.  Down the line, we will all have our own opportunity to sprinkle some healing/comfort to others who are in need.   We will have more members in our terrible club.... that's for sure.

With our luck, we'll be sending similar emails for 80 years to come...

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On 12/24/2017 at 6:09 PM, lovingstill said:

With our luck, we'll be sending similar emails for 80 years to come...

The thought of that is really scary.   Usually when we talk about grief, people envision sadness, sorrow, loneliness..... but not fear.   There is some true fear that comes with grief.  I've gotten to a point where I can make it through each day.  But the thought of continuing on for any prolonged period of time without my wife is so scary and daunting.  I've lost her for 6-months.  OK.  But how do I live another 6-months without her?   How about the next 6-years?  It's crazy scary and there's no easier way to put it.

When I am old with white hair, how do I go to the cemetery and look at her, and still see her as she was in her 30s?   I know I'm not suppose to think about the future and just concentrate on the present... I am.  But the thought does bother me.

I really hope I don't last another 80 years... or 8 for that matter.

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4 hours ago, Azipod said:

The thought of that is really scary.   Usually when we talk about grief, people envision sadness, sorrow, loneliness..... but not fear.   There is some true fear that comes with grief.  I've gotten to a point where I can make it through each day.  But the thought of continuing on for any prolonged period of time without my wife is so scary and daunting.  I've lost her for 6-months.  OK.  But how do I live another 6-months without her?   How about the next 6-years?  It's crazy scary and there's no easier way to put it.

When I am old with white hair, how do I go to the cemetery and look at her, and still see her as she was in her 30s?   I know I'm not suppose to think about the future and just concentrate on the present... I am.  But the thought does bother me.

I really hope I don't last another 80 years... or 8 for that matter.

Man, I also don’t want another eight or eighth. I had an internal bleed and widespread organ dysfunction and for whatever reason I AM STILL HERE. I did nothing to cause it but I spent that week so grateful that it was last looking so dire. Just my luck, I’m still here. I was just thinking today about visiting him and being old and frail. I would rather die young to be reunited sooner and not have to suffer another day. I used to be scared of death. Since he died, I’m scared of my own life. My father’s family doesn’t have longevity in their genes but my mother’s died and even if I die somewhere in the middle I’d be sixty! 

 

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11 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

Man, I also don’t want another eight or eighth. I had an internal bleed and widespread organ dysfunction and for whatever reason I AM STILL HERE. I did nothing to cause it but I spent that week so grateful that it was last looking so dire. Just my luck, I’m still here. I was just thinking today about visiting him and being old and frail. I would rather die young to be reunited sooner and not have to suffer another day. I used to be scared of death. Since he died, I’m scared of my own life. My father’s family doesn’t have longevity in their genes but my mother’s died and even if I die somewhere in the middle I’d be sixty! 

I'm wishing everyday to get admitted to the hospital... so I can understand how disappointed you got when they told you that "everything was fine" and that it was time to go home.   I too was afraid of death in the past.  Now, I welcome it.  I welcome it with open arms because the love of my life has already gone that direction. There is no reason for me to be afraid anymore....   why in the world would I be afraid to join my wife?    I hope I don't make it to where I am old and frail.  That's the one thing that people don't get for us.  Being young simply means that we're going to be spending one heck long of a ride without our loved one. 

People tell me that that overtime, with proper healing, I would be happy again.  Well.  I don't want to be happy again, not without my wife here.   I suppose this "thought and desire" is what i need to work on.   Life is so painful.

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My dad died at 62 and I'm now 65...my mom's family however lives way into their 90s, I figure with my luck I took after them.  I hope I only make it to 80s not 90s though, I think, I can do another 15 years but the thought of another 30 sounds daunting.  Yep, back to a day at a time!  Stay in this present moment, no borrowing trouble.

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I've been going through his emails and his phone - finally got to spend some time with his parents and siblings. Anyway, today I found out he was a Mensa member -- he had never told me that! Little things bring me joy.

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That is so cool!  My son is a genius too, I don't know where he got it.  :)  I'm glad you've gotten to spend some time with his parents and siblings!

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I am new here, trying to find forums that are current. My husband of 11 1/2 years suffered a massive heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. (Airlifted--we live in a remote area). I was at a conference in SF but left immediately and met him at the hospital. He had been given a stent for a blocked artery, but had damage to his heart so he remained in the hospital for a few days. He was discharged 4 days later and 3 hours afterwards had to be readmitted due to fainting from dehydration. He overnighted again in the hospital and they adjusted his medication. He was/is 47 almost 48. So he was discharged again, and we were strict about the walking routine, breathing, correct diet, meds, etc. We were waiting around for his stress test monday. Monday morning I bolted awake at 5:48 am because he was gasping for air. I called 911 immediately but his heart stopped. I dragged him onto the floor and began cpr but it was not good--the emts never got a pulse back although they worked on him for an hour. I was all alone in a strange city. I have a horror of myself because I could not save him. I keep thinking what if we had done this, what if I had done that, why didn't i do this?  I keep remembering the whole scenario. I miss him so much--we had so much we wanted to do together and talk about. If this is a test from god, why did he test me when he knew I would fail? Counselors tell me I am trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense, that I am trying to find some control and I can see that but it still hurts and i feel pithed--like something vital has been ripped out of my being-- and empty and scared all the time. 

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I’m so sorry for your loss, Michelene.  There are quite a few members here who have suffered a sudden, traumatic death. I do hope you will find the compassion, understanding and support you will need, among us.  We understand your fears as we all have them too. 

Sadly, the what if’s and if only’s, seem to be a part of early grief as even those of us who weren’t with our beloveds when they died, torture ourselves with similar thoughts when we learn of the details of their death.  There seems to be no way to stop those thoughts coming.  Same also applies to reliving our soulmate’s death over and over.  In time, we find it necessary to learn ways to give our minds a break from these thoughts. Our minds are so battered from the trauma, as are our bodies and souls.  

We’d become so like one with our soulmates that it really does feel as though a large part of us has been ripped from our body.  The grief we suffer is overwhelming and very demanding and there’s no way round it- no shortcuts, I’m afraid.  We survive by living just one minute, one hour or one day at a time. 

Taking care of our personal, health and nutritional needs is also hard work, but necessary.  

Again, I’m sorry for your loss.  Know my thoughts are with you, Michelene. 

Sending strength, love and hugs XX 

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Michelene,

Your counselors are right...this isn't a test and you didn't fail.  All of the "what ifs" and guilt feelings, they're a way of trying to come up with a different outcome, but there is no other outcome, only this.  It's part of grief and part of our grief response.  We are haunted by that last day, those last moments and everything leading up to it, but in time we can learn to put that to rest...somewhat.  I'm glad you're getting counseling, I hope your counselor is trained in grief, preferably with a degree in thanatology.

My husband also died of a heart attack, we hadn't known until that weekend he even had heart problems, but we found out he had a severely damaged heart from a heart attack six months before. (His doctor had never investigated heart problems, thinking his blacking out was his Diabetes.)  It leaves you in shock, utter and complete shock as your whole world has just been turned upside down.

This is what I've learned in my 12 year journey and I hope even one thing from it will be of help to you as you are embarking on this uncharted territory.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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12 hours ago, Michelene said:

I am new here, trying to find forums that are current. My husband of 11 1/2 years suffered a massive heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. (Airlifted--we live in a remote area). I was at a conference in SF but left immediately and met him at the hospital. He had been given a stent for a blocked artery, but had damage to his heart so he remained in the hospital for a few days. He was discharged 4 days later and 3 hours afterwards had to be readmitted due to fainting from dehydration. He overnighted again in the hospital and they adjusted his medication. He was/is 47 almost 48. So he was discharged again, and we were strict about the walking routine, breathing, correct diet, meds, etc. We were waiting around for his stress test monday. Monday morning I bolted awake at 5:48 am because he was gasping for air. I called 911 immediately but his heart stopped. I dragged him onto the floor and began cpr but it was not good--the emts never got a pulse back although they worked on him for an hour. I was all alone in a strange city. I have a horror of myself because I could not save him. I keep thinking what if we had done this, what if I had done that, why didn't i do this?  I keep remembering the whole scenario. I miss him so much--we had so much we wanted to do together and talk about. If this is a test from god, why did he test me when he knew I would fail? Counselors tell me I am trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense, that I am trying to find some control and I can see that but it still hurts and i feel pithed--like something vital has been ripped out of my being-- and empty and scared all the time. 

Michelene, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  Losing your spouse around the time of the holidays makes this season especially hard -- and it's already hard for us already!

Over the next few weeks and months, you will go through a wave of emotions and experiences that you never have ever dreamt of. At times, the emotions and overwhelming feelings will be intense and it will be difficult to see how you can make it through.   Just know that the difficulties are not unique, we all will go through it.   Make sure you make use of your social support system back at home and come here to share what you feel comfortable with sharing.

You are right.  I don't know about test or lessons here.  These learnings, so to speak, is very severe.   You asked about how to make sense out of this.    There is no sense at all.  Things involving life or death has no sense.  There is no rhyme or reason for anything.   Death will take us all.  It doesn't matter if you are young, old, the color of your skin, career, or your financial setting.   Death takes us all, sometimes early, sometimes late.... and for what seems like most of us... it takes us in the form of a tragedy.

In my earlier months, I thought about how we were taught as your kids, that we should never give up and that there's a solution to everything.  Well, there is no solution to grief because someone left that out in the books!   But then I came to realize over some time that taking on and processing grief does not involve using the brain.  It involves using the heart.  We need to cherish the memories of those who have passed, those who have marked our lives in a positive manner, and to those who love us.  Cherishing them means different things to different people.  We need to find out what works for us, and how we can cherish them, thinkg about them, and incorporate them into our daily life.   Part of the grief process is learning how to do that.

They say when you lose a partner, the pain never goes away (I can tell you that's true!).   The pain will always be there.  However, when we love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, and process this grief, we become bigger as an individual.  Our life that encompasses our body becomes bigger, and richer.    And over time, even though the grief and the pain remains, our life becomes more meaningful, more colorful, and more powerful and thus, it will overshadow the grief and the pain.

I hope this little bit helps to start your journey.   We are here for you.  Take good care of yourself.

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My dearly beloved's memorial service was today, and it was more beautiful than I could have expected. There were tears, but there was a lot of laughter and smiles -- and we really spent a lot of time reflecting on the full life he lived in his short 30 years rather than in the life he had left to live. I felt really close to him all day today, which was special, and my heart is broken over the loss but I'm glad we were able to spend time focusing on his beautiful life.

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lovingstill,

I'm so glad the service was beautiful.  The whole point of them is to honor them for their life and it's good to find comfort in doing that with others that also love him.

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On 12/30/2017 at 7:22 PM, lovingstill said:

My dearly beloved's memorial service was today, and it was more beautiful than I could have expected. There were tears, but there was a lot of laughter and smiles -- and we really spent a lot of time reflecting on the full life he lived in his short 30 years rather than in the life he had left to live. I felt really close to him all day today, which was special, and my heart is broken over the loss but I'm glad we were able to spend time focusing on his beautiful life.

That's so great to hear.  It takes a lot of strength and courage to pull through that day.  The service for my wife was exactly 2-weeks after.  I got through it, surprisingly without any issues at all, partly because I was in a complete fog and I was going through just the motions for the most part.  I'm not sure if I could have done it had I been farther down the line when I've totally grasp what has happened.

Either way, our special loved ones attend their funeral in spirit.  I'm sure he was very happy for what you have done and have provided you love and comfort to help you make it through that day.

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We are in the estate division phase now. We weren't married but we were careful and listed each other as beneficiaries on as much as possible. Anyway, through this process, his parents have found out how wealthy he was; they asked, I told them -- and it has been an unnecessary added stressor because the mom now seems to be fighting to make sure she keeps everything that was his. I don't care about any of it because it means nothing to me without having him here, but I don't want my relationship with his family ruined as a result.

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Lovingstill, I am sorry your beloved’s Mother is taking this attitude.  Behaviour such as this is not uncommon.  I’ve been through it, and the damage done is beyond repair. .   

From my own experiences and others I’ve read of, stake claiming, greed, more often than not  leads to the breakdown of what we thought was once healthy, stable relationships with our late partners family of origin.. You are still very fresh in your grief and it’s understandable you don’t care about finances and possessions now, but as time wears on and shock wears off, you realise the importance of keeping what was worked for and accumulated by you both. You may need that money in the future.  

Even if your beloved left specific instructions in his Will, ignore any pressure from stake claim and ‘BE IN NO RUSH to part with his belongings. Gifting items to others is part of processing our grief and is best left till when ‘you’ are ready.  In my country the law allows 2 or 3 years. 

Strength n hugs Xx

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lovingstill,

It would help if you and "mom" could get together with a third party, an unbiased mediator to settle his estate, because you may not care about having his things right now, you're still early in your grief and we prone to "grief fog" then...but later on you may feel differently.  It's good to settle on something fair to all.  You both love him, you both should have something.  He obviously wanted you taken care of so you wouldn't have to worry about anything financially if you lost him, otherwise he wouldn't have put you on a beneficiary.  I hope your relationship with his family can survive intact but you do need to look after you, no one else will.

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