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Robbie Star

I'm all done now

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I posted a picture of the magnet for you, it was a life changing message for me, but not one I can take credit for.  I truly think God gave me that message as I was in the depths of despair...He was showing me the way through it.

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13 hours ago, Maria9 said:

Robbie this is such a sweet moving picture, our babies standing side by side watching us. 

Maria, thank you sweet lady.  It is a little goofy I know...my amatuer attempt at prose lol. 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it goes back to the dream I had 4 days after Bob's passing.  I know now my dream was a gift from God.  (Of which I wasn't worthy.)

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Robbie, you sound like me! KayC set me straight on being kinder to myself in a recent post. How I forgive everyone else for whatever happened with their pets except myself. No compassion for myself and I see you do the same. Try to work on that with me. You don't deserve such harsh judgment. We all understand and I think Bob does too. I hope this is a year of forgiveness for us both. You did deserve that dream! 

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Thanks a lot AJWCat.  

I positively hate this life now.  I never knew there could be so many trigger words and trigger sounds and trigger images.  Everything reminds me of my little Bob.  And am I losing my mind??  Ive imagined it I guess but I'll feel a little bump at the recliner I sit in and I look around to see if it's Bob.  I'll hear a dog barking that sounds like Bob and actually get up to look outside.  I'm still not accepting this.  And I'm angry. And sad. And all the negative things i can think of.     I loved to cook but no more.  I loved to walk.Listen to music etc etc.  Did I depend on my dog that much?   I know me pretty well.   I don't see life without him.  I know he's alive on the other side.   But this side sucks with him gone.   

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And giys im not expect>ng a reply Im just soumding iff.  

AJWCat I'll never forgive myself. I should have watched closer.  But he usually stayed by me.   He was a scaredy cat and wanted to stay by mom. 

I am very thankful he didnt suffer.  He was killed instantly.  OMG if I had gotten to the street and foumd him suffering?  My mind can't even go there.  So I guess God did know I had my limits.

 

 

 

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Happy New Year to my newfound friends.  I know we need to try to be positive.  I'm doing good just putting on foot in front of the other :)  

Sometimes I think I'll bust and I can't get my phone fast enough to put down my thoughts here.

But I don't expect a reply every time.   It just helps me to put my feelings in words.  You've all already said everything under the sun to ease my burden. And you've done just that.  And I'm so grateful. 

It's time I started reading the other posts and trying to offer some kindness to others like you all do so much.  

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AJWCat thank you for the support, I am doing better.It comes in circles, the grief, and one never knows what will be the mood of the dawning day. About self-forgiveness, remember how we all agreed, at an earlier post, that it was one of the hardest things to do? I hope you manage to do this. (though I understand the guilt I don't think you have something to forgive yourself  for). Ι wish as time goes by you'll be easier on yourself.

Robbie I wish the same for you,you do not deserve self-condemnation. Your Bob wouldn't have sent you that dream if he didn't think you were worthy of it. And you can sound as much like a broken record as you want here, many of us do !

KayC thank you for sharing the story about the dragonfly magnet.There is so much wisdom to its little message...I am sure it was no coincidence you were led to it.

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I wrote the above last night, but it got posted today, so I'm writing again. Robbie, having known the self-torture of guilt (I am still not free from it) I really wish you could forgive yourself. You say that Bob usually stayed by your side, so how could you have predicted what would happen? From one instant to the next? Maybe view it in another way: that Bob, for his own reasons, chose to leave this way. I know this doesn't take the pain away, but maybe there are things about life or the other side that we cannot know. I am sure he's still with you.in another form,

Maybe he is sending you signs to let you know he's ok, that's why you are hearing him. Don't think you're crazy.

I totally relate to what you're saying, I too used to love listening to music, reading, cycling and many other things, but I cannot do them anymore. I don't know why.Everything is just meaningless....

Thank you for the wishes..I wish you , and everybody here, that this new year will bring healing to your hearts.

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Thanks Maria, wonderful posts. (I love the dragonfly story too.)

Robbie, I think I mentioned once before, have you seen my posts here... many posts of me just needing to vent and share... it's so good that you do. Where else can we?  

Forgiveness... maybe - hopefully - we will get there. I am closer, much better. After KayC's post to me I broke down in tears knowing how deep down inside I want to be forgiven and I want to be kind to myself as I am to others. But I am angry and sad like Robbie. It's going to take us all more time. 

 

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15 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

 I never knew there could be so many trigger words and trigger sounds and trigger images.  Everything reminds me of my little Bob.  And am I losing my mind??  Ive imagined it I guess but I'll feel a little bump at the recliner I sit in and I look around to see if it's Bob.  I'll hear a dog barking that sounds like Bob and actually get up to look outside.  I'm still not accepting this.  And I'm angry. And sad

No you are not losing your mind.  This is a hard stage of grief, when it hasn't fully sunk in yet and we're still expecting to see them.  Then we get hit all over again that they're not there, and it's as fresh as that first moment.  It's hard because we get hit over and over and over again.  Grief is a process and it takes much time to process it, but once that is done, it gets easier to handle.  When I lost my Miss Mocha, I didn't get resolution, I didn't have a body to bury, I think a predator got her, but since I didn't see it or any aftermath, it was hard to fully accept that she was gone.  For a long time I would look at the patio door expecting to see her wanting it.  I would want to call her to come in.  I was used to her sleeping with me so it made it hard to sleep without her pressing into my side.  Now, 1 1/2 years later, I no longer expect it, I realize she's gone and won't be back so it doesn't hit me afresh again and again.  But I still miss her, and wish so much she could be back again.  I would hold her so tight!  She lives on inside of me, my beautiful little girl, the prettiest cat I ever saw, the sweetest, bravest, most special, I know there is none like her.

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KayC your post made me cry, I feel your pain about your Miss Mocha....I am so sorry.That's how I feel about my Sissy too, she was so special...they do live on inside of us ,until we can join them.

AJWCat,  This is just a thought..... I am not implying that our pets died to teach us something, it sounds horrible, but maybe through this terrible loss we have to learn this, in this life: how to be kind to ourselves as we are to others. It seems that many of us have a hard time with this....

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Maria, I know what you mean. I can't stand the "it happened for a reason" nonsense. I don't believe that. But, if we have to find a lesson in it, I am open to that. It certainly has taught me a lot about grief and loss... and about myself and forgiveness (or lack of it), many things. 

I miss Miss Mocha for you KayC. :( 

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When my husband George died, people would say stupid cliches like "It's God's will" (how do they know what God's will is!), "it was his time" (no it wasn't, it was way too soon!), "he's happier where he is" (he was happy with ME!), etc.  Sometimes people should just keep their mouth shut if they're so ignorant!  I'm sorry, I feel angry when I hear these stupid things which are not validating or helpful.  We live in an imperfect world with our imperfect bodies and sometimes sh*t happens!  (Can you tell it makes me angry? :o)  It's so important to validate someone's feelings when they're grieving, not try to take them away.  It's important for them to know that what they are feeling is normal in grief and it's okay to feel that way.  It's okay to feel angry that it happened too.  We don't want anger to consume us to the point of changing us with it's toxins, but it's totally okay and normal to feel anger for a time, just so we don't leave it unchecked or let it consume us.

Loss is part of life.  It's a part of life I hate.  It happens to all of us eventually.  Some have managed to go through life unscathed for a long time...but then it hits.  I knew someone who made it to 60 without having been brushed with death...then his dad died and he was ill prepared for that loss.  He said he'd never realized how invasive grief could be, and he was a minister who had performed many funerals.  NOW he understood, now he knew what loss and grief was, now he saw it differently.  Until we're there, we can't know.

I see things differently now.  I realize that life is tenuous at best and we can't take anyone/anything for granted...but we do, it's human nature to feel like things are going to continue as they are.  But I remind myself now, love my dog and my cat each and every day of their lives to the best of my ability, take that extra time for giving them belly rubs and walks and treats.  Love them with all that is within you.  People who have a dog out on a chain in the back yard and throw food to them twice a day and do little else...they don't get this.  And I pity the poor dog that gets stuck with them for an owner.  A friend of mine just adopted a dog such as that...she lays under his recliner, never wanting far from him.  She craves attention.  She is finally getting what she deserved all along, love.

Here's an article on the subject of things not to say/do to someone in grief...the formatting is messed up so I retyped it (posting on line still messes up the formatting a bit) but I'll give the link for credit due the author.
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm
 

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of "Donts"
 

 Be aware of what is not helpful to the person in mourning. 

 Do not:

·         Expect your friend to mourn or heal in certain ways or within a certain time frame.

·         Deliberately avoid the subject of death, change the subject, or act as if nothing has happened.

·         Talk about your own losses, especially early on; this shifts the attention onto you.

·         Use judgmental words like should” and “shouldnt.”

·         Begin a sentence with the words “At least . . .”

·         Offer unsolicited advice.

·         Compare one loss with another, or offer judgments about which loss was worse.

·         Take it personally if your friend rebuffs your invitations.  Try again another day, and realize that grief requires being left alone at times.  The mourner needs some time to turn inward, to ponder the deeper meaning of life and death.

·         Try to change what your friend is thinking or feeling.

·         Talk down to the person, in a patronizing way, as if you are the expert.

·         Try to fill up every moment with conversation.  Become comfortable with silence.

·         Ignore warning signs of self-destructive behavior: alcohol, drugs, depression, suicide. Confront the person directly, or organize an intervention with family and friends.

·         Wait for your friend to initiate contact (i.e., call, write or visit).

·         Wait until tomorrow or make promises you cannot (or will not) keep.  Follow through with whatever you have planned or promised.

·         Wait to be asked; this places the burden on the mourner.

·         Expect gratitude for your efforts.  A person in pain is focused inward and self- absorbed, with little room for gratitude.  If you offer help, make sure that it is wanted, and dont feel hurt or rejected if it is not.

·         Push or expect the mourner to sort through and distribute a loved ones things.

·         Take away the mourners autonomy by doing too much for her or making major decisions that rightfully belong to her.

·         Expect the mourner to begin to reenter social life on other than his/her own time frame.

·         Try to rescue someone from her regrets; she needs time to sort them out, until she is eventually able to forgive herself.

·         Force food on the person if he is not interested in eating.

·         Expect the mourner to be over it within weeks, months or even years.

·         Try to do everything by yourself, or try to fix everything.

 

Copyright © by Martha M. Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC    All rights reserved

 

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On 1/1/2018 at 12:10 AM, Robbie Star said:

Happy New Year to my newfound friends.  I know we need to try to be positive.  I'm doing good just putting on foot in front of the other :)  

Sometimes I think I'll bust and I can't get my phone fast enough to put down my thoughts here.

But I don't expect a reply every time.   It just helps me to put my feelings in words.  You've all already said everything under the sun to ease my burden. And you've done just that.  And I'm so grateful. 

It's time I started reading the other posts and trying to offer some kindness to others like you all do so much.  

Happy New Year to you too. I'm starting off the new year with mixed emotions. I have a new kitten but my son is deployed as of today. I'm tired. :(

 

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I just want you all to know that whether you realize it or not, coming to this forum has been a great source of support for me and it seems, others. Just reading everyones sharing makes me know that Im not alone. Its 3 months since my dog baby died and 2 weeks since my brother died. I feel like Im just drifting through the days while grasping onto the inventory of blessings and grappling with fear. This is a safe place to come and just be how I am. Scared, sad on so many levels, guilty at times for my anger and on and on. Keep sharing. Peace in the new year to us all. 

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Hello All,

I'm not doing okay.  I seem to be having a breakdown.  I have to go back to the name of my thread...I'm all done.  I feel like I need to be somewhere, some kind of safe place.  Oh idk what i feel except scared and numb.  This is the lowest point of my life.  I tried to pill out of it and i think bc of Christmas.  I didn't want to foul that up for anyone.  I can't ever let my defenses down I think bc I feel like I'd be a burden to others. Idk that's just how I've always been.  Yesterday I thought about driving off the bridge near my apartment.  But I was afraid I wouldn't die I'd just freeze half to death in the water while being rescued.  I didn't know losing a pet could be this disastrous.  Idk what or why or how or nothing.  I feel I'm losing my mind.  I can't do this.

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It feels like a curse.  I was robbed by homeless ppl I tried to help.  My roommate met a girl a week ago and up and moves out leaving me with the full rent which I don't  have now on top of everything else at first of month.  Also I had loaned him 300 at Christmas he was going to pay back when he got his ss check today.  I admit I didn't know him well before he moved in a few months ago...to replace the PREVIOUS roommate who had also screwed me over.  Between taking 4 friends to diiner and drinks Christmas Eve (I'd invited them on Thanksgiving day) I'm screwed but you know what I don't even care.  Ppl have always used me but no more.  Now here I am in this empty tomb...WITHOUT BOB.  I swear if I still had my little guy all this other stuff would just be a slight headache.   I don't get it.  Why I'm still here.  I bet there's pl who would think yeah she SHOULD be done who can blame her??  Then last night I had the most terrifying dream of my whole life.  Too terrible to even tell.  Well thanks for letting me tell my pathetc story.  It helps somehow to write it down here.

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Yeah I could be sitting here grumbling to myself about something and Bob would drag this worn out little stuffed monkey over to my feet then he'd nudge me until I popped up and said OH HELLO MONKEY BOY.  Then he'd turn circles until I acted like I was the monkey talking to him.  And throw it across the room just to start the whole charade over again.  It's hard to stay out of sorts very long with that being a daily ritual.

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Robbi. Im sorry to see youre in so much pain. Losing our pet friends can only be understood by those who know the intense bond we share with them. Its way too soon for you to come to any conclusions about what life has in store for you. This all just happened. You just came through the holidays on the heels of your loss and its just the 2nd day of the new year. Take time to reflect upon how you can make choices that will be calming for you and healthy for you. Maybe a smaller apt without the baggage of a roomate. Allow people to earn your trust. Focus on bringing things into your orbit that bring you comfort and peace and fate will do the rest. Its January 2nd. Youre far from done. Youre just beginning and we cannot possibly know what waits for us around the corner. Sounds like you have a big heart that will warm  people and maybe even a furry friend out there , when youre ready. Your story is still unfolding. 

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Robbie my heart hurts that you're in so much pain and suffering. We are all physically far away from each other but spiritually we are all by your side, holding your hand. Ema said it all very well. Don't give up on life. Keep writing here.

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KayC thank you for this list. I understand your anger .People in their ignorance can say very inappropriate things to those who grieve, we all know it firsthand. I wish this list were common knowledge, but we are far from it. I hate too the "it happened for a reason " theory, it sounds so much like punishment. But why should we be punished ? AJW you're right, we have to live with this randomness of things or lose our minds.

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Robbie,

My heart breaks for you.  Life throws us curves but it's our pets that make it all seem worthwhile and help us hang in there a little longer.  But to be without your Bob right now, that's hard.  Don't do anything rash though.  It would help if you could talk to a counselor.  In my neighboring town they have a Whitebird clinic that helps people for free.  Can you look into if there's something like that where you live?  Maybe even call a hotline and talk to someone, sometimes it helps even if the person isn't right in front of you.

Maria,

Sorry about that, somehow hearing about things people say set me off yesterday, it made me remember when I'd experienced that.  Totally inappropriate responses!

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Hey everyone. @Ema good to see your post. I like knowing people come here and read and maybe don't always comment but find some comfort. I am sorry for both your losses Ema, and it is very scary and "unsettling" - I get it. :(  My husband and I both had little health crises in the weeks after losing our cat. I felt like the whole world, well my world, was falling apart. I was nervous all the time. What is next I kept thinking. It took a while for that feeling to go away.  

Robbie, you really bring Bob to life in your stories here. And yes, they make any stress or sadness almost disappear. They love so unconditionally. You need in my opinion, to take care of yourself starting NOW. Put YOU first. Get your $ from your roommate. Don't let it slide! Figure out a plan. I know you are feeling totally despondent. I was there. Even this week I have burst into tears. I don't know why... and then I think, yes you do. You are still sad. It's a "new year" and I am still processing this loss. 

Bob loved  you so much and so you need to love you to. Start now. Thinking of you.  

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