Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Robbie Star

I'm all done now

Recommended Posts

5 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

3 ppl unfriended me?  What did I do?

We don't "friend" or "unfriend" people here, it's not like Facebook.

17 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

I said some mean things to God but now I'm ready to bargain.  

God doesn't "bargain" but He does have broad shoulders and I think He's able to take whatever you have to say, He knows your heart is hurting and He's there listening when you need to talk.

I pray you find some comfort for your soul.  I think you know already that Bob is gone, it's just so hard to accept.  It hurts like the dickens.  We do carry with us all of the good we learned from having had them in our lives, in a way that is our best tribute to them, that they affected our lives for the good.  It takes much time for the pain to run it's course and the memories to bring a smile, but it will come eventually.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone...  at the avcount page there was an angry red Face w an alert 3 ppl unfriended me.  Then a prompt to sign up for a tracker that would tell me who.  I've never been on facebook.  I guess it was a scam.  Sorry guys.  I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.  This is a very dark day for me.  I hope it's okay to say that even tho it's Christmas.  It's a grief forum.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Robbie Star, sounds like a scam. Never click on anything you do not know for sure what it is!

Anyway, it is a dark time for a lot of people, I think it's okay to call it out. Sometimes really painful awful things happen around the "happy" holidays and it's not going to be that great for some of us. And we shouldn't put pressure on ourselves to feel or act differently just because. We need to take care of ourselves and survive this, and learn to move through it, and deal with the pain. And least that is what I've been doing the last 4.5 months. This grief process can be an isolating experience that just makes you feel like nothing matters. I don't want to be that person, I want to be the happy person I once was. Work in progress. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I started to sign up for that tracker trial but I figured theyd keep my 14.95 even if I canceled.  I should have known it was a scam.  But I've been so wrapped in grief I figured i must have said something unkind.  I read thru the posts for an hour trying to figure it out.  I'm not who I was.  I have $100 ingredients to make candy and cookies for friends and just couldn't pull myself together long enough.  They'll be so disappointed as I do that every year.  Im trying to psyche myself up to meet for dinner tonight.  Who wants to be around a sad sack now?  You are all so very very kind and understanding.  Bob was the sweetest creature I ever knew.  I believe guardian angels could have saved him.  But they chose not to.   And yes I'm sure there was a reason...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

IT'S JUST TIME THAT'S ALL.  Time to stop beating around the bush and address the white elephant.  Bob's death was entirely my fault.  We stepped out front and I was more interested in reading a text than watching my dog.  He wandered down the sidewalk and BAM he got what he DIDN'T deserve.  I got what I DID deserve.  So time to keep it real now.  You all know this is the truth.  But thank you just the same for trying to help me.  I didn't deserve such a precious little baby.  I always knew that, in fact I told Bob that often.  I wish a more conscientious person had him.  He'd still be here.  It is what it is now.  I'm not asking for sympathy anymore.  It's time I stopped skating around the truth.

I'm so sorry little angel.  You should still be here, chasing the squirrels and licking the faces of every man woman and child who got within your range.  I don't blame you for jumping from my arms.  You we're the best little friend anyone could have.  You brought smiles to so many faces.  

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Robbie, None of us are who we used to be. Loss of a much loved one, whether human or animal, changes us.  Our hearts are shattered and our brain is in a trauma fog.  The pain does eventually lessen in intensity, along with our brain fog lifting  enough, so we are able to have some level of functioning. It takes such a very long time for the process.  We do survive loss, but at a great price and we carry our grieving deep in our heart the rest of our lives.

I wish I had answers for you. I cannot even find real answers for myself. I have been reading books on the afterlife, our souls and the journeys we want for ourselves for learning the lessons we need to, for our souls growth. I don't know why Bob left you. Pets come into our lives for a purpose. To teach us the things we need to learn. To give us the experience of unconditional love. When their task is completed, their physical body expires and their spirit returns to our home of Heaven.  They are still with us in spirit form and we will see them again someday.  We know that death happens, but for most of us, we don't know the when and how. Why an accident or a terminal disease or a heart attack? Why do some pass peacefully in their sleep of natural old age of the body? So many questions we will never have the answers to, until it is our turn and God fills us in when we see Him.

Many years ago, I had a cat for 14 years. We had a tight bond and she was a "talker". It was Memorial Day in 1995.  She loved being outdoors, hanging out in the yard and I had my share of guilt in allowing her to stay outside the previous night. When I got up that morning, I looked out the door for her and discovered her dead in the front yard. It appeared a recent move into the neighborhood of a  stray tom cat had killed her. I knew the tom cat had been hanging around for a few weeks, but I was so naive in thinking he would kill a female, spayed cat. My cat! She always stayed in the yard and I suppose she was only protecting her territory.  I cried for a month straight. My husband brought her out to his family property, where I now reside, and he buried her not too far from the house here. She let me know in her own way, that she was ok and in Heaven. At night, I would "feel" her walking across the bed and I would "feel" her fur brush up against my face, just like she did when she was alive. These nightly "visits" lasted for a couple of weeks and brought me much comfort. It brought me the belief that our loved ones just transition to the next realm of life and are here in their spirit forms.

Your Bob is still with you. He will be there to greet you, when you cross the threshold of Heaven yourself someday.

Your latest post just popped up while I was writing this. Please, it was not your fault !! It was a random act of the moment, that no one had control over.  We have no way of foreseeing accidents. They are random moments in time, that happen to everyone. Unlike humans, animals live in the present moment and I am sure that Bob didn't know what was going to happen either.  The both of you were just doing what comes naturally and you had no way of knowing that looking at a text was going to be the cause of losing Bob. Please, for your health and well being, forgive yourself.  Bob isn't blaming you for anything. He has nothing but great love for you, in giving him a loving home while he was here.    (HUGS)

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh my oh my oh my.  KMB and KARLA, AJWcat. Maria, KayC, Ema.  All of you so generously give of yourselves to help others, in spite of your own  anguish.  Not predictable cut and paste.  But from the bottom of your hearts.  Don't think your words and time have been wasted on me.  A week ago I was ready to call it quits but you all lifted me up again and again.  You allowed me to express my anger sadness guilt and love for Bob.  Not once was I criticized.  It has made it possible for me to see a tiny glimmer of light breaking through.  I thank each of you so very much!  

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Robbie, like KMB said,we are human,we have no control over things happening and most of us carry a lot of guilt around the passing of our pets, each one for different reasons. So many "if onlys" and "should  haves". What happened was not your fault, it was one of those terrible things that happen from one second to the next, how could you have known?You have to forgive yourself,for being human.Your Bob knew,and still knows, how much you loved him. How I wish we had the answer to all these heartbreaking whys....why certain things happen...

I know for many of us here this a difficult day, because we feel more intensely the absence of our loved ones.My heart goes out to all of you in this forum. May the angels bring you comfort and help you feel that your loved ones are still by your side .

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great post @KMB need to read all of that too. And Maria, it is a difficult day. Woke up and pretty much started the morning breaking down in tears. Luckily my husband was still sleeping. Not in the Christmas spirit. Thank you for the wishes of comfort. I wish everyone the same. Robbie, I hope you are doing better, my aching heart feels a little better knowing it.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Robbie,

Definitely a scam, the whole "friending/unfriending" thing is Facebook and if you haven't been on it, these people are trying to sign you up to get your money.  Nope you didn't make anyone upset here!  

I'm just leaving to walk my dog and then spend five hours driving for visiting my son four hours (don't drive at night, can't bring my dog).  Will try to catch up here tonight!  I know no one is in the Christmas spirit today but I hope it goes better than anticipated for all of you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/21/2017 at 4:17 PM, AJWCat said:

i am so sorry about your loss @karla1842 and what you are going through. I read your story and I know how hard it is. I had two cats, brother and sister that both developed Lymphoma around the age of 13. The symptoms are subtle. It eventually took them both - one and then the other over a year later. We know we do not have them forever but the pain is incredible when they are gone.  

Aww AJWcat, I'm so sorry for your loss. I never used to think about my pets dying until I lost two in two weeks. Now I still have 15 year old and a 16 year old cats and reality has hit me that they may not be around too much longer.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

karla,

My Kitty is 22 years old and still in great shape and sassy, I hope yours live as long as she is!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do too!

Hopefully they will. Kitty could have years left KayC. You just never know about anything do you? Some people smoke and drink and live to 100 others work out, eat right and fall over at 40. We have to be okay with some of the randomness or go crazy. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

    I WANT MY BABY BACK.  I'll never find another dog like him.  I don't think I've ever been this low.  Truly, I don't think I'll ever know real, carefree happiness again.  

I know you all miss yours as much.  I'm sorry for us all.  Thanks for all the kind words.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/27/2017 at 11:05 AM, KayC said:

karla,

My Kitty is 22 years old and still in great shape and sassy, I hope yours live as long as she is!

Oh I so hope my older cats make it that long!! :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/24/2017 at 10:59 PM, Robbie Star said:

Oh my oh my oh my.  KMB and KARLA, AJWcat. Maria, KayC, Ema.  All of you so generously give of yourselves to help others, in spite of your own  anguish.  Not predictable cut and paste.  But from the bottom of your hearts.  Don't think your words and time have been wasted on me.  A week ago I was ready to call it quits but you all lifted me up again and again.  You allowed me to express my anger sadness guilt and love for Bob.  Not once was I criticized.  It has made it possible for me to see a tiny glimmer of light breaking through.  I thank each of you so very much!  

 

I'm glad my story helped you. :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Robbie, I know!! I remember a several weeks after our cat passed, laughing at something, truly unguarded laughing. I did not think I would ever laugh again. Ruefully smile, maybe. Laugh, no. I was surprised it was possible. But it came back, slowly.  The first three months he was gone I couldn't sing to music. Singing was a "happy" thing and I couldn't do it. It's gotten easier.

I remember cuddling with our cat, kissing him, and feeling like my heart would burst with joy.

I have been able to be "happy" recently. I have been able to be excited about something or seeing someone rather than living like a zombie. 

But JOY? True heart bursting joy like I had? No. I am open to it and maybe I will get there again someday. But I know one thing. My heart was broken that day we lost our cat. A break like I never expected could or would happen. It will never ever heal. It won't kill me (I thought it would) but I live with it for sure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AJW I couldn't have said it better...you're reading my heart. I know that,whatever I do ,the world won't be back to where it was, to feeling whole, without my kitty in it.

Robbie I know, it hurts so much.... I keep reading about wishes and goals for the new year and I get mad, I want to scream "I just want my cat back!". I wish I could say something  but the only thing I can say is that, at least here, we're all going through this together.

KayC I am glad your Kitty is so healthy, may she live a very long life!

Karla I hope your kitties live a very long life too!

I haven't been posting much lately,though you are all in my thoughts. I am struggling, I am feeling like i'm back at week one. Maybe it's the contrast between the festive season and my own mood, I don't know. I used to love this season but now it's empty.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so thankful for the friends I found here...

Our angel babies are nudging each other, saying Yeah that's MY mom that wrote that!    Oh yeah?  That's cool dude...MY mom's been answering her back.  

We're going to be with ALL of our precious children again.  I saw this in a dream.  But that aside. Consider that our Lord and Savior is returning on a white horse.  I kinda don't think that after Jesus has made His triumphant return that He's gonna say hey thanks for the ride, now move along.  No, the lion will lay down with the lamb.  And we'll lay down with our beloved animals. 

Hallelujah!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Robbie this is such a sweet moving picture, our babies standing side by side watching us. I am so grateful as well for the friends I found here. Thank you for offering us all hope, it is so much needed in this time of grief.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/29/2017 at 6:00 AM, AJWCat said:

But JOY? True heart bursting joy like I had? No.

AJW,

I remember when my husband died.  My world was never the same again.  That was on Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  On June 30 I went to the eyedoctor, it was my last day of insurance coverage.  I came out of there and on the sidewalk, belonging to the store next door, was a sale rack.  My eyes were drawn to a dragonfly magnet (I love dragonflies so I think God used that to get my attention).  On it it read "Find joy in every day".  I bought it and put it on my refrigerator where I could see it every day.  I began to look for joy.  Everyday.  My husband was my big joy, and he was gone, but I found little joys when I looked for them.  I learned not to compare now with before but to accept what good there is in today.  It changed my life.  Some days were a stretch to find something good, but always I looked and found something.  A stranger letting me merge in traffic.  Someone holding the door open for me.  Seeing deer in my yard.  A check I didn't expect in the mail.  A rainbow.  Watching a hummingbird feed.  Seeing a dragonfly.  One day I saw one on my front door, was it George come to visit and let me know he's okay?  One day I saw a horde of them on the side of my house!  This was extremely unusual!  The important thing is what it did inside of me, that was more important that the little joys I was finding...it transformed me.  I began the practice of living in the present which brought with it an appreciation for life and what is in it, a gratefulness.  I began to expect good.  Yes I still grieved, yes my heart still hurt, yes my "big joy" that was George was gone from the way I'd had him in my life, but he is never truly gone from me, just in the way I once had him.  Sometimes I want him back with skin on!  Sometimes it hurts so bad, but I can still find joy in today.  I try not to compare my life now to before, because in so doing, it diminishes what good there is, and I want to recognize and embrace it for what it is.  I will be with George again, but for today, I want what there is...today.

Find joy in every day.jpg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey @Maria9, I noticed you were not here as often, I was hoping you were doing really well. Sorry to know you feel like you are back to the first week. I can't look back on 2017 and say, "great year" - very tainted now. So know what you mean. We have our good days and bad - thinking of you and wishing you my best, I know how it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As usual @KayC, you are wise and as you list all those things, they do bring little moments of joy. I think the more time passes and the more my anger over what happened lessens, I am getting better at it. Need to seek it out and not shut it out which is what I did for the last few months. I know I am getting better... slowly.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×