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Robbie Star

I'm all done now

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I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my beloved cat, Stinker, 4 months ago and I'm still beating myself up over it. He was 13 years old and an absolutely beautiful, big (22 lbs) black and white cat with a real personality. He loved being outside more than anything so I let him roam most days and during the spring/summer he would not come home for days on end. I would always see him around the neighborhood and all my neighbors loved him too. He got me through some of the worst times of my life-loss of parents, children in trouble, loss of a job I loved, etc. I was able to focus on him for a while each day and he took my mind off so many problems. We had a little routine where I'd let him out in the mornings and then sit on the porch step and wait for him to come home each evening. To make a long 13 year story short, I never knew he had contracted Leukemia during his roaming around throughout the years. I still don't know why his vet never discovered it but I just need to stop focusing on it. My Stinker disappeared for a few weeks earlier this summer and I thought for sure he had wandered into the state park and gotten killed. I checked the road several times a day to see if he had been hit by a car. One afternoon while coming home from work, I spotted him on a neighbors porch and picked him up and took him home. He had lost a lot of weight and I thought it was because he hadn't been coming home to eat. I was so relieved to have him back that I vowed not to let him out anymore. Three days after he got home I found him on the bathroom floor unable to get up. I took him straight to the vet and was told he had been attacked by something and had picked up an infection and they couldn't help him because he was too sick. I found out at that time he had Leukemia and his body couldn't fight an infection. He died an hour later and I totally blame myself for not being attentive enough to him. I'm saying all this because I understand your loss. I could not eat, sleep or work for days. I sat on my porch for days just staring into the street like I had been doing for years waiting for him to come home. Weeks later,  I cried every time I thought about him. All this being said, again, I'm so sorry for your loss. It helped me not to think about anything other than the day at hand and not how I was going to get through the future. 

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Karla and all...i love those big ol tomcats. I've mostly had dogs but I had a maine coon years ago I adored.  I lived in an upstairs condo.  I'd leave balcony door cracked for him to go in and out.  Came home from work one day when I opened the door there were feathers and blood everywhere.  He'd pulled a pidgeon inside and had his way with it lol.  It does help to talk with ppl here who understand.   I'm sorry for all your losses everyone the pain is intense.  Animals are just love.  They don't ask for much.  I'm just kinda dazed.  It's hard to think straight.  I keep wanting this to not be true.  Each day I would say thank you Lord my cup runneth over.  Now the world is flat. A couple strays scratch at my door.  I want and need it to be Bob.

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Robbie,  Do you feed the strays that come to your door? Maybe feeding them and showing a little love, would help in placing focus off of your grieving for a bit. I feel that Bob would appreciate you showing care and concern for fellow critters. Just as you loved and took care of him. When the strays pass over the rainbow bridge, they will tell Bob how you did what you could for them. Bob would be proud of you!

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16 hours ago, AJWCat said:

When I am feeling strong I tell my act out loud that I miss him (Mommy misses you I say.) when I am feeling really low I can't get the words out.

AJWCat  the same goes for me...:(But whether we're talking aloud or not I am sure that they can hear us, and they can read our hearts and minds, the bond we have with them is unbreakable.This gives me comfort.

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Karla I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it is watching the street or the doorway ,waiting for them to appear where they used to...my heart breaks for you. After they're gone the sadness is so overwhelming, there are no words to describe it. Living with my kitty's absence has been the hardest thing ever.

Don't blame yourself .Many cat diseases are hard to detect and I've learned that cats often hide their sickness, it is a method of survival for them. And it is even harder to notice signs of sickness in a cat that is not constantly with you. Your Stinker seems to have had the kind of life he wanted, an interesting and adventurous life, and you enabled him to have such a life because you loved him. When guilty thoughts come focus on this. Guilt is part of grief but don't allow it it to haunt you

.I hope you find healing as time goes by, I know how painful this is.

 

 

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11 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

 I keep wanting this to not be true.

Robbie I know what you mean, I think we all do. The loss is huge ,our hearts and minds cannot accept it. It's four and a half months since my kitty's gone and some days it is still hard for me to accept this. I wish I had a magic switch and turn the world back to what it was before. Maybe a part of us never accepts the loss but nevertheless we learn to live with it, however hard that is. Take it very slowly, one day at a time, one hour at a time.

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14 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

It's hard to think straight.  I keep wanting this to not be true.  Each day I would say thank you Lord my cup runneth over.  Now the world is flat. 

Exactly how I felt. You sound still like you are in shock. I have wondered if going through something so traumatic doesn't cause a type of PTSD. I know it is not war - but an unexpected trauma nonetheless. 

Also like you, I was so grateful everyday. And then, we lost him. So much death all the time - people and animals, yet the world keeps spinning. We all go on. I wonder when I walk down the street how many are like us? Quietly suffering? You never know. MY world too became flat. It is less now, but I am forever changed. At some point Robbie I know you will think of the good times, not just the loss. I am trying to get back the gratitude I once had.   

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I agree with all of your posts.  Grief can be like PTSD, yes.  When I read about feeding strays I couldn't help but think about the Bible verse about entertaining angels unaware.  We are here to care for each other, creatures as well as humans.

It takes time for the memories to shift from pain and loss to remembering good memories with comfort.  Much time, but it comes eventually.

I'm sorry for all of your losses.

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AJWCat....thank you.  I really relate to what you said.  I've lost a dozen pets in my life.  But it was not like this.   Maybe it has to do with getting older and living a fairly sedate solitary life now.   But Bob was unbelievably adorable and sweet and 100 more good things.  I know this will affect me forever.   Yes I'm beginning to mobilize but I'll never be the same.  And I thank God for allowing me to be in his life four years.  I hope the dream I had was indication that he is alive and I will see him again.  I want to see my Lord first.  Bob second.

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Robbie-I have strays too and I've been feeding them and taking care of them. I don't bring them in because i have indoor cats, but for some reason I feel like maybe they are Stinker's friends coming to check on me. :-)

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9 hours ago, Maria9 said:

Karla I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it is watching the street or the doorway ,waiting for them to appear where they used to...my heart breaks for you. After they're gone the sadness is so overwhelming, there are no words to describe it. Living with my kitty's absence has been the hardest thing ever.

Don't blame yourself .Many cat diseases are hard to detect and I've learned that cats often hide their sickness, it is a method of survival for them. And it is even harder to notice signs of sickness in a cat that is not constantly with you. Your Stinker seems to have had the kind of life he wanted, an interesting and adventurous life, and you enabled him to have such a life because you loved him. When guilty thoughts come focus on this. Guilt is part of grief but don't allow it it to haunt you

.I hope you find healing as time goes by, I know how painful this is.

 

 

Maria, thank you for the kind words. I can't get over the guilt yet. I took my other cats to the vet immediately to get them checked for Leukemia and my 15 year old black tom cat, Chuck, has it. Knowing he has it, they can now be very proactive should he get sick. I don't let Chuck out anymore so I can keep a closer eye on him. He's content and looking really good so I like to think at least something good came out of his brother's death. 

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i am so sorry about your loss @karla1842 and what you are going through. I read your story and I know how hard it is. I had two cats, brother and sister that both developed Lymphoma around the age of 13. The symptoms are subtle. It eventually took them both - one and then the other over a year later. We know we do not have them forever but the pain is incredible when they are gone.  

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A friend brought a reindeer costume over a couple of weeks ago.  Bob hated being dressed up he was so p.od!  When you dress him up he'd stand there like a statue like he's paralyzed.  He's growling under his breath in this photo and everyone was laughing at him which made him even madder.

20171123_160020_1511579050341_1513395325765.jpeg

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Oh sweet Bob, what a cute little guy, thx for sharing this. I know it's hard to have such wonderful memories but he is right there with you now.

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Robbie,

Bob never has to be in the cold again.  There will never be another Bob, that's for sure.  Just how I feel about my Arlie.  I will own another dog someday because I can't imagine living totally alone but I know there'll never be another Arlie, our relationship is so special, he's like my soulmate in a dog.  So loving and smart and goofy, I love him to heaven and back!  I understand your emptiness and pain, it's how I felt when I lost my husband 12 years ago.  It changes our lives forever and we miss them no matter how much time passes.

(((hugs)))

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Friends, i know we will never forget the angels that brought us to this forum to grieve.  Still i find myself thinking absurdly.  Like if I get a puppy being born this week maybe it will have Bob's reincarnated spirit?  Or maybe the dog I foind in the street 90 seconds after Bob slipped out of sight was just a dog that looked like him.  And Bob's going to come scratching at the door.  Is that crazy or what?  I said some mean things to God but now I'm ready to bargain.  

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Its just almost 3 months since I said good bye to my 18yr old dog baby Yaff and, 9 days since my 59 year old brother died after 3 months in a coma. You know the saying that things could always be worse?.. well, its true. I was devastated when Yaffi died and now that my brother died, I know that things could always be worse.

Im in a total fog, pieces of the puzzle that make up me are missing. I wont allow myself to lose sight of the blessings I still have in my family and friends and our good health. We will find acceptance in all of this in time and manage our new realities.

I want to enjoy the air, the sun, a great pastrami sandwhich, a walk around the block because my brother and my dog cannot. But I still can and will with them in mind because things could be worse.

 

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Robbie your Bob looks adorable...what a sweet little face. I am so sorry. I know we all love the pets we have and had but some of them are so special...when they're gone they take a big piece of our hearts with them. So you're not crazy for wanting your doggie to reincarnate, we need them back to feel whole again , I totally understand you. I know how much you miss his physical presence but Bob let you know in your dream that he's fine and he loves you. I hope this gives you some comfort. And...you're not friendless. We are here for you.

Ema what can I say to you? Losing two loved ones within such a short while cannot be described, my heart goes out to you. i agree with AJWCat, going through heavy loss leaves one with PTSD, we have to cope with what happened and our lives are torn to pieces.We are not the same anymore. I understand about being lost in a fog. And yes you're right things always could be worse. i am glad for the blessings you still have in your life, I hope they help you find healing.

 

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