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I'm all done now


Robbie Star

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5 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

3 ppl unfriended me?  What did I do?

We don't "friend" or "unfriend" people here, it's not like Facebook.

17 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

I said some mean things to God but now I'm ready to bargain.  

God doesn't "bargain" but He does have broad shoulders and I think He's able to take whatever you have to say, He knows your heart is hurting and He's there listening when you need to talk.

I pray you find some comfort for your soul.  I think you know already that Bob is gone, it's just so hard to accept.  It hurts like the dickens.  We do carry with us all of the good we learned from having had them in our lives, in a way that is our best tribute to them, that they affected our lives for the good.  It takes much time for the pain to run it's course and the memories to bring a smile, but it will come eventually.

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Thanks everyone...  at the avcount page there was an angry red Face w an alert 3 ppl unfriended me.  Then a prompt to sign up for a tracker that would tell me who.  I've never been on facebook.  I guess it was a scam.  Sorry guys.  I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.  This is a very dark day for me.  I hope it's okay to say that even tho it's Christmas.  It's a grief forum.  

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@Robbie Star, sounds like a scam. Never click on anything you do not know for sure what it is!

Anyway, it is a dark time for a lot of people, I think it's okay to call it out. Sometimes really painful awful things happen around the "happy" holidays and it's not going to be that great for some of us. And we shouldn't put pressure on ourselves to feel or act differently just because. We need to take care of ourselves and survive this, and learn to move through it, and deal with the pain. And least that is what I've been doing the last 4.5 months. This grief process can be an isolating experience that just makes you feel like nothing matters. I don't want to be that person, I want to be the happy person I once was. Work in progress. 

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I started to sign up for that tracker trial but I figured theyd keep my 14.95 even if I canceled.  I should have known it was a scam.  But I've been so wrapped in grief I figured i must have said something unkind.  I read thru the posts for an hour trying to figure it out.  I'm not who I was.  I have $100 ingredients to make candy and cookies for friends and just couldn't pull myself together long enough.  They'll be so disappointed as I do that every year.  Im trying to psyche myself up to meet for dinner tonight.  Who wants to be around a sad sack now?  You are all so very very kind and understanding.  Bob was the sweetest creature I ever knew.  I believe guardian angels could have saved him.  But they chose not to.   And yes I'm sure there was a reason...

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IT'S JUST TIME THAT'S ALL.  Time to stop beating around the bush and address the white elephant.  Bob's death was entirely my fault.  We stepped out front and I was more interested in reading a text than watching my dog.  He wandered down the sidewalk and BAM he got what he DIDN'T deserve.  I got what I DID deserve.  So time to keep it real now.  You all know this is the truth.  But thank you just the same for trying to help me.  I didn't deserve such a precious little baby.  I always knew that, in fact I told Bob that often.  I wish a more conscientious person had him.  He'd still be here.  It is what it is now.  I'm not asking for sympathy anymore.  It's time I stopped skating around the truth.

I'm so sorry little angel.  You should still be here, chasing the squirrels and licking the faces of every man woman and child who got within your range.  I don't blame you for jumping from my arms.  You we're the best little friend anyone could have.  You brought smiles to so many faces.  

 

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Robbie, None of us are who we used to be. Loss of a much loved one, whether human or animal, changes us.  Our hearts are shattered and our brain is in a trauma fog.  The pain does eventually lessen in intensity, along with our brain fog lifting  enough, so we are able to have some level of functioning. It takes such a very long time for the process.  We do survive loss, but at a great price and we carry our grieving deep in our heart the rest of our lives.

I wish I had answers for you. I cannot even find real answers for myself. I have been reading books on the afterlife, our souls and the journeys we want for ourselves for learning the lessons we need to, for our souls growth. I don't know why Bob left you. Pets come into our lives for a purpose. To teach us the things we need to learn. To give us the experience of unconditional love. When their task is completed, their physical body expires and their spirit returns to our home of Heaven.  They are still with us in spirit form and we will see them again someday.  We know that death happens, but for most of us, we don't know the when and how. Why an accident or a terminal disease or a heart attack? Why do some pass peacefully in their sleep of natural old age of the body? So many questions we will never have the answers to, until it is our turn and God fills us in when we see Him.

Many years ago, I had a cat for 14 years. We had a tight bond and she was a "talker". It was Memorial Day in 1995.  She loved being outdoors, hanging out in the yard and I had my share of guilt in allowing her to stay outside the previous night. When I got up that morning, I looked out the door for her and discovered her dead in the front yard. It appeared a recent move into the neighborhood of a  stray tom cat had killed her. I knew the tom cat had been hanging around for a few weeks, but I was so naive in thinking he would kill a female, spayed cat. My cat! She always stayed in the yard and I suppose she was only protecting her territory.  I cried for a month straight. My husband brought her out to his family property, where I now reside, and he buried her not too far from the house here. She let me know in her own way, that she was ok and in Heaven. At night, I would "feel" her walking across the bed and I would "feel" her fur brush up against my face, just like she did when she was alive. These nightly "visits" lasted for a couple of weeks and brought me much comfort. It brought me the belief that our loved ones just transition to the next realm of life and are here in their spirit forms.

Your Bob is still with you. He will be there to greet you, when you cross the threshold of Heaven yourself someday.

Your latest post just popped up while I was writing this. Please, it was not your fault !! It was a random act of the moment, that no one had control over.  We have no way of foreseeing accidents. They are random moments in time, that happen to everyone. Unlike humans, animals live in the present moment and I am sure that Bob didn't know what was going to happen either.  The both of you were just doing what comes naturally and you had no way of knowing that looking at a text was going to be the cause of losing Bob. Please, for your health and well being, forgive yourself.  Bob isn't blaming you for anything. He has nothing but great love for you, in giving him a loving home while he was here.    (HUGS)

 

 

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Oh my oh my oh my.  KMB and KARLA, AJWcat. Maria, KayC, Ema.  All of you so generously give of yourselves to help others, in spite of your own  anguish.  Not predictable cut and paste.  But from the bottom of your hearts.  Don't think your words and time have been wasted on me.  A week ago I was ready to call it quits but you all lifted me up again and again.  You allowed me to express my anger sadness guilt and love for Bob.  Not once was I criticized.  It has made it possible for me to see a tiny glimmer of light breaking through.  I thank each of you so very much!  

 

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Robbie, like KMB said,we are human,we have no control over things happening and most of us carry a lot of guilt around the passing of our pets, each one for different reasons. So many "if onlys" and "should  haves". What happened was not your fault, it was one of those terrible things that happen from one second to the next, how could you have known?You have to forgive yourself,for being human.Your Bob knew,and still knows, how much you loved him. How I wish we had the answer to all these heartbreaking whys....why certain things happen...

I know for many of us here this a difficult day, because we feel more intensely the absence of our loved ones.My heart goes out to all of you in this forum. May the angels bring you comfort and help you feel that your loved ones are still by your side .

 

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Great post @KMB need to read all of that too. And Maria, it is a difficult day. Woke up and pretty much started the morning breaking down in tears. Luckily my husband was still sleeping. Not in the Christmas spirit. Thank you for the wishes of comfort. I wish everyone the same. Robbie, I hope you are doing better, my aching heart feels a little better knowing it.  

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Robbie,

Definitely a scam, the whole "friending/unfriending" thing is Facebook and if you haven't been on it, these people are trying to sign you up to get your money.  Nope you didn't make anyone upset here!  

I'm just leaving to walk my dog and then spend five hours driving for visiting my son four hours (don't drive at night, can't bring my dog).  Will try to catch up here tonight!  I know no one is in the Christmas spirit today but I hope it goes better than anticipated for all of you.

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On 12/21/2017 at 4:17 PM, AJWCat said:

i am so sorry about your loss @karla1842 and what you are going through. I read your story and I know how hard it is. I had two cats, brother and sister that both developed Lymphoma around the age of 13. The symptoms are subtle. It eventually took them both - one and then the other over a year later. We know we do not have them forever but the pain is incredible when they are gone.  

Aww AJWcat, I'm so sorry for your loss. I never used to think about my pets dying until I lost two in two weeks. Now I still have 15 year old and a 16 year old cats and reality has hit me that they may not be around too much longer.  

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karla,

My Kitty is 22 years old and still in great shape and sassy, I hope yours live as long as she is!

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I do too!

Hopefully they will. Kitty could have years left KayC. You just never know about anything do you? Some people smoke and drink and live to 100 others work out, eat right and fall over at 40. We have to be okay with some of the randomness or go crazy. 

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    I WANT MY BABY BACK.  I'll never find another dog like him.  I don't think I've ever been this low.  Truly, I don't think I'll ever know real, carefree happiness again.  

I know you all miss yours as much.  I'm sorry for us all.  Thanks for all the kind words.  

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On 12/27/2017 at 11:05 AM, KayC said:

karla,

My Kitty is 22 years old and still in great shape and sassy, I hope yours live as long as she is!

Oh I so hope my older cats make it that long!! :-)

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On 12/24/2017 at 10:59 PM, Robbie Star said:

Oh my oh my oh my.  KMB and KARLA, AJWcat. Maria, KayC, Ema.  All of you so generously give of yourselves to help others, in spite of your own  anguish.  Not predictable cut and paste.  But from the bottom of your hearts.  Don't think your words and time have been wasted on me.  A week ago I was ready to call it quits but you all lifted me up again and again.  You allowed me to express my anger sadness guilt and love for Bob.  Not once was I criticized.  It has made it possible for me to see a tiny glimmer of light breaking through.  I thank each of you so very much!  

 

I'm glad my story helped you. :-)

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Robbie, I know!! I remember a several weeks after our cat passed, laughing at something, truly unguarded laughing. I did not think I would ever laugh again. Ruefully smile, maybe. Laugh, no. I was surprised it was possible. But it came back, slowly.  The first three months he was gone I couldn't sing to music. Singing was a "happy" thing and I couldn't do it. It's gotten easier.

I remember cuddling with our cat, kissing him, and feeling like my heart would burst with joy.

I have been able to be "happy" recently. I have been able to be excited about something or seeing someone rather than living like a zombie. 

But JOY? True heart bursting joy like I had? No. I am open to it and maybe I will get there again someday. But I know one thing. My heart was broken that day we lost our cat. A break like I never expected could or would happen. It will never ever heal. It won't kill me (I thought it would) but I live with it for sure.

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AJW I couldn't have said it better...you're reading my heart. I know that,whatever I do ,the world won't be back to where it was, to feeling whole, without my kitty in it.

Robbie I know, it hurts so much.... I keep reading about wishes and goals for the new year and I get mad, I want to scream "I just want my cat back!". I wish I could say something  but the only thing I can say is that, at least here, we're all going through this together.

KayC I am glad your Kitty is so healthy, may she live a very long life!

Karla I hope your kitties live a very long life too!

I haven't been posting much lately,though you are all in my thoughts. I am struggling, I am feeling like i'm back at week one. Maybe it's the contrast between the festive season and my own mood, I don't know. I used to love this season but now it's empty.

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I am so thankful for the friends I found here...

Our angel babies are nudging each other, saying Yeah that's MY mom that wrote that!    Oh yeah?  That's cool dude...MY mom's been answering her back.  

We're going to be with ALL of our precious children again.  I saw this in a dream.  But that aside. Consider that our Lord and Savior is returning on a white horse.  I kinda don't think that after Jesus has made His triumphant return that He's gonna say hey thanks for the ride, now move along.  No, the lion will lay down with the lamb.  And we'll lay down with our beloved animals. 

Hallelujah!!!

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Robbie this is such a sweet moving picture, our babies standing side by side watching us. I am so grateful as well for the friends I found here. Thank you for offering us all hope, it is so much needed in this time of grief.

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On 12/29/2017 at 6:00 AM, AJWCat said:

But JOY? True heart bursting joy like I had? No.

AJW,

I remember when my husband died.  My world was never the same again.  That was on Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  On June 30 I went to the eyedoctor, it was my last day of insurance coverage.  I came out of there and on the sidewalk, belonging to the store next door, was a sale rack.  My eyes were drawn to a dragonfly magnet (I love dragonflies so I think God used that to get my attention).  On it it read "Find joy in every day".  I bought it and put it on my refrigerator where I could see it every day.  I began to look for joy.  Everyday.  My husband was my big joy, and he was gone, but I found little joys when I looked for them.  I learned not to compare now with before but to accept what good there is in today.  It changed my life.  Some days were a stretch to find something good, but always I looked and found something.  A stranger letting me merge in traffic.  Someone holding the door open for me.  Seeing deer in my yard.  A check I didn't expect in the mail.  A rainbow.  Watching a hummingbird feed.  Seeing a dragonfly.  One day I saw one on my front door, was it George come to visit and let me know he's okay?  One day I saw a horde of them on the side of my house!  This was extremely unusual!  The important thing is what it did inside of me, that was more important that the little joys I was finding...it transformed me.  I began the practice of living in the present which brought with it an appreciation for life and what is in it, a gratefulness.  I began to expect good.  Yes I still grieved, yes my heart still hurt, yes my "big joy" that was George was gone from the way I'd had him in my life, but he is never truly gone from me, just in the way I once had him.  Sometimes I want him back with skin on!  Sometimes it hurts so bad, but I can still find joy in today.  I try not to compare my life now to before, because in so doing, it diminishes what good there is, and I want to recognize and embrace it for what it is.  I will be with George again, but for today, I want what there is...today.

Find joy in every day.jpg

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Hey @Maria9, I noticed you were not here as often, I was hoping you were doing really well. Sorry to know you feel like you are back to the first week. I can't look back on 2017 and say, "great year" - very tainted now. So know what you mean. We have our good days and bad - thinking of you and wishing you my best, I know how it is.

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As usual @KayC, you are wise and as you list all those things, they do bring little moments of joy. I think the more time passes and the more my anger over what happened lessens, I am getting better at it. Need to seek it out and not shut it out which is what I did for the last few months. I know I am getting better... slowly.  

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I posted a picture of the magnet for you, it was a life changing message for me, but not one I can take credit for.  I truly think God gave me that message as I was in the depths of despair...He was showing me the way through it.

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13 hours ago, Maria9 said:

Robbie this is such a sweet moving picture, our babies standing side by side watching us. 

Maria, thank you sweet lady.  It is a little goofy I know...my amatuer attempt at prose lol. 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it goes back to the dream I had 4 days after Bob's passing.  I know now my dream was a gift from God.  (Of which I wasn't worthy.)

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Robbie, you sound like me! KayC set me straight on being kinder to myself in a recent post. How I forgive everyone else for whatever happened with their pets except myself. No compassion for myself and I see you do the same. Try to work on that with me. You don't deserve such harsh judgment. We all understand and I think Bob does too. I hope this is a year of forgiveness for us both. You did deserve that dream! 

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Thanks a lot AJWCat.  

I positively hate this life now.  I never knew there could be so many trigger words and trigger sounds and trigger images.  Everything reminds me of my little Bob.  And am I losing my mind??  Ive imagined it I guess but I'll feel a little bump at the recliner I sit in and I look around to see if it's Bob.  I'll hear a dog barking that sounds like Bob and actually get up to look outside.  I'm still not accepting this.  And I'm angry. And sad. And all the negative things i can think of.     I loved to cook but no more.  I loved to walk.Listen to music etc etc.  Did I depend on my dog that much?   I know me pretty well.   I don't see life without him.  I know he's alive on the other side.   But this side sucks with him gone.   

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And giys im not expect>ng a reply Im just soumding iff.  

AJWCat I'll never forgive myself. I should have watched closer.  But he usually stayed by me.   He was a scaredy cat and wanted to stay by mom. 

I am very thankful he didnt suffer.  He was killed instantly.  OMG if I had gotten to the street and foumd him suffering?  My mind can't even go there.  So I guess God did know I had my limits.

 

 

 

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Happy New Year to my newfound friends.  I know we need to try to be positive.  I'm doing good just putting on foot in front of the other :)  

Sometimes I think I'll bust and I can't get my phone fast enough to put down my thoughts here.

But I don't expect a reply every time.   It just helps me to put my feelings in words.  You've all already said everything under the sun to ease my burden. And you've done just that.  And I'm so grateful. 

It's time I started reading the other posts and trying to offer some kindness to others like you all do so much.  

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AJWCat thank you for the support, I am doing better.It comes in circles, the grief, and one never knows what will be the mood of the dawning day. About self-forgiveness, remember how we all agreed, at an earlier post, that it was one of the hardest things to do? I hope you manage to do this. (though I understand the guilt I don't think you have something to forgive yourself  for). Ι wish as time goes by you'll be easier on yourself.

Robbie I wish the same for you,you do not deserve self-condemnation. Your Bob wouldn't have sent you that dream if he didn't think you were worthy of it. And you can sound as much like a broken record as you want here, many of us do !

KayC thank you for sharing the story about the dragonfly magnet.There is so much wisdom to its little message...I am sure it was no coincidence you were led to it.

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I wrote the above last night, but it got posted today, so I'm writing again. Robbie, having known the self-torture of guilt (I am still not free from it) I really wish you could forgive yourself. You say that Bob usually stayed by your side, so how could you have predicted what would happen? From one instant to the next? Maybe view it in another way: that Bob, for his own reasons, chose to leave this way. I know this doesn't take the pain away, but maybe there are things about life or the other side that we cannot know. I am sure he's still with you.in another form,

Maybe he is sending you signs to let you know he's ok, that's why you are hearing him. Don't think you're crazy.

I totally relate to what you're saying, I too used to love listening to music, reading, cycling and many other things, but I cannot do them anymore. I don't know why.Everything is just meaningless....

Thank you for the wishes..I wish you , and everybody here, that this new year will bring healing to your hearts.

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Thanks Maria, wonderful posts. (I love the dragonfly story too.)

Robbie, I think I mentioned once before, have you seen my posts here... many posts of me just needing to vent and share... it's so good that you do. Where else can we?  

Forgiveness... maybe - hopefully - we will get there. I am closer, much better. After KayC's post to me I broke down in tears knowing how deep down inside I want to be forgiven and I want to be kind to myself as I am to others. But I am angry and sad like Robbie. It's going to take us all more time. 

 

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15 hours ago, Robbie Star said:

 I never knew there could be so many trigger words and trigger sounds and trigger images.  Everything reminds me of my little Bob.  And am I losing my mind??  Ive imagined it I guess but I'll feel a little bump at the recliner I sit in and I look around to see if it's Bob.  I'll hear a dog barking that sounds like Bob and actually get up to look outside.  I'm still not accepting this.  And I'm angry. And sad

No you are not losing your mind.  This is a hard stage of grief, when it hasn't fully sunk in yet and we're still expecting to see them.  Then we get hit all over again that they're not there, and it's as fresh as that first moment.  It's hard because we get hit over and over and over again.  Grief is a process and it takes much time to process it, but once that is done, it gets easier to handle.  When I lost my Miss Mocha, I didn't get resolution, I didn't have a body to bury, I think a predator got her, but since I didn't see it or any aftermath, it was hard to fully accept that she was gone.  For a long time I would look at the patio door expecting to see her wanting it.  I would want to call her to come in.  I was used to her sleeping with me so it made it hard to sleep without her pressing into my side.  Now, 1 1/2 years later, I no longer expect it, I realize she's gone and won't be back so it doesn't hit me afresh again and again.  But I still miss her, and wish so much she could be back again.  I would hold her so tight!  She lives on inside of me, my beautiful little girl, the prettiest cat I ever saw, the sweetest, bravest, most special, I know there is none like her.

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KayC your post made me cry, I feel your pain about your Miss Mocha....I am so sorry.That's how I feel about my Sissy too, she was so special...they do live on inside of us ,until we can join them.

AJWCat,  This is just a thought..... I am not implying that our pets died to teach us something, it sounds horrible, but maybe through this terrible loss we have to learn this, in this life: how to be kind to ourselves as we are to others. It seems that many of us have a hard time with this....

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Maria, I know what you mean. I can't stand the "it happened for a reason" nonsense. I don't believe that. But, if we have to find a lesson in it, I am open to that. It certainly has taught me a lot about grief and loss... and about myself and forgiveness (or lack of it), many things. 

I miss Miss Mocha for you KayC. :( 

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When my husband George died, people would say stupid cliches like "It's God's will" (how do they know what God's will is!), "it was his time" (no it wasn't, it was way too soon!), "he's happier where he is" (he was happy with ME!), etc.  Sometimes people should just keep their mouth shut if they're so ignorant!  I'm sorry, I feel angry when I hear these stupid things which are not validating or helpful.  We live in an imperfect world with our imperfect bodies and sometimes sh*t happens!  (Can you tell it makes me angry? :o)  It's so important to validate someone's feelings when they're grieving, not try to take them away.  It's important for them to know that what they are feeling is normal in grief and it's okay to feel that way.  It's okay to feel angry that it happened too.  We don't want anger to consume us to the point of changing us with it's toxins, but it's totally okay and normal to feel anger for a time, just so we don't leave it unchecked or let it consume us.

Loss is part of life.  It's a part of life I hate.  It happens to all of us eventually.  Some have managed to go through life unscathed for a long time...but then it hits.  I knew someone who made it to 60 without having been brushed with death...then his dad died and he was ill prepared for that loss.  He said he'd never realized how invasive grief could be, and he was a minister who had performed many funerals.  NOW he understood, now he knew what loss and grief was, now he saw it differently.  Until we're there, we can't know.

I see things differently now.  I realize that life is tenuous at best and we can't take anyone/anything for granted...but we do, it's human nature to feel like things are going to continue as they are.  But I remind myself now, love my dog and my cat each and every day of their lives to the best of my ability, take that extra time for giving them belly rubs and walks and treats.  Love them with all that is within you.  People who have a dog out on a chain in the back yard and throw food to them twice a day and do little else...they don't get this.  And I pity the poor dog that gets stuck with them for an owner.  A friend of mine just adopted a dog such as that...she lays under his recliner, never wanting far from him.  She craves attention.  She is finally getting what she deserved all along, love.

Here's an article on the subject of things not to say/do to someone in grief...the formatting is messed up so I retyped it (posting on line still messes up the formatting a bit) but I'll give the link for credit due the author.
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm
 

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of "Donts"
 

 Be aware of what is not helpful to the person in mourning. 

 Do not:

·         Expect your friend to mourn or heal in certain ways or within a certain time frame.

·         Deliberately avoid the subject of death, change the subject, or act as if nothing has happened.

·         Talk about your own losses, especially early on; this shifts the attention onto you.

·         Use judgmental words like should” and “shouldnt.”

·         Begin a sentence with the words “At least . . .”

·         Offer unsolicited advice.

·         Compare one loss with another, or offer judgments about which loss was worse.

·         Take it personally if your friend rebuffs your invitations.  Try again another day, and realize that grief requires being left alone at times.  The mourner needs some time to turn inward, to ponder the deeper meaning of life and death.

·         Try to change what your friend is thinking or feeling.

·         Talk down to the person, in a patronizing way, as if you are the expert.

·         Try to fill up every moment with conversation.  Become comfortable with silence.

·         Ignore warning signs of self-destructive behavior: alcohol, drugs, depression, suicide. Confront the person directly, or organize an intervention with family and friends.

·         Wait for your friend to initiate contact (i.e., call, write or visit).

·         Wait until tomorrow or make promises you cannot (or will not) keep.  Follow through with whatever you have planned or promised.

·         Wait to be asked; this places the burden on the mourner.

·         Expect gratitude for your efforts.  A person in pain is focused inward and self- absorbed, with little room for gratitude.  If you offer help, make sure that it is wanted, and dont feel hurt or rejected if it is not.

·         Push or expect the mourner to sort through and distribute a loved ones things.

·         Take away the mourners autonomy by doing too much for her or making major decisions that rightfully belong to her.

·         Expect the mourner to begin to reenter social life on other than his/her own time frame.

·         Try to rescue someone from her regrets; she needs time to sort them out, until she is eventually able to forgive herself.

·         Force food on the person if he is not interested in eating.

·         Expect the mourner to be over it within weeks, months or even years.

·         Try to do everything by yourself, or try to fix everything.

 

Copyright © by Martha M. Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC    All rights reserved

 

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On 1/1/2018 at 12:10 AM, Robbie Star said:

Happy New Year to my newfound friends.  I know we need to try to be positive.  I'm doing good just putting on foot in front of the other :)  

Sometimes I think I'll bust and I can't get my phone fast enough to put down my thoughts here.

But I don't expect a reply every time.   It just helps me to put my feelings in words.  You've all already said everything under the sun to ease my burden. And you've done just that.  And I'm so grateful. 

It's time I started reading the other posts and trying to offer some kindness to others like you all do so much.  

Happy New Year to you too. I'm starting off the new year with mixed emotions. I have a new kitten but my son is deployed as of today. I'm tired. :(

 

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I just want you all to know that whether you realize it or not, coming to this forum has been a great source of support for me and it seems, others. Just reading everyones sharing makes me know that Im not alone. Its 3 months since my dog baby died and 2 weeks since my brother died. I feel like Im just drifting through the days while grasping onto the inventory of blessings and grappling with fear. This is a safe place to come and just be how I am. Scared, sad on so many levels, guilty at times for my anger and on and on. Keep sharing. Peace in the new year to us all. 

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Hello All,

I'm not doing okay.  I seem to be having a breakdown.  I have to go back to the name of my thread...I'm all done.  I feel like I need to be somewhere, some kind of safe place.  Oh idk what i feel except scared and numb.  This is the lowest point of my life.  I tried to pill out of it and i think bc of Christmas.  I didn't want to foul that up for anyone.  I can't ever let my defenses down I think bc I feel like I'd be a burden to others. Idk that's just how I've always been.  Yesterday I thought about driving off the bridge near my apartment.  But I was afraid I wouldn't die I'd just freeze half to death in the water while being rescued.  I didn't know losing a pet could be this disastrous.  Idk what or why or how or nothing.  I feel I'm losing my mind.  I can't do this.

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It feels like a curse.  I was robbed by homeless ppl I tried to help.  My roommate met a girl a week ago and up and moves out leaving me with the full rent which I don't  have now on top of everything else at first of month.  Also I had loaned him 300 at Christmas he was going to pay back when he got his ss check today.  I admit I didn't know him well before he moved in a few months ago...to replace the PREVIOUS roommate who had also screwed me over.  Between taking 4 friends to diiner and drinks Christmas Eve (I'd invited them on Thanksgiving day) I'm screwed but you know what I don't even care.  Ppl have always used me but no more.  Now here I am in this empty tomb...WITHOUT BOB.  I swear if I still had my little guy all this other stuff would just be a slight headache.   I don't get it.  Why I'm still here.  I bet there's pl who would think yeah she SHOULD be done who can blame her??  Then last night I had the most terrifying dream of my whole life.  Too terrible to even tell.  Well thanks for letting me tell my pathetc story.  It helps somehow to write it down here.

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Yeah I could be sitting here grumbling to myself about something and Bob would drag this worn out little stuffed monkey over to my feet then he'd nudge me until I popped up and said OH HELLO MONKEY BOY.  Then he'd turn circles until I acted like I was the monkey talking to him.  And throw it across the room just to start the whole charade over again.  It's hard to stay out of sorts very long with that being a daily ritual.

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Robbi. Im sorry to see youre in so much pain. Losing our pet friends can only be understood by those who know the intense bond we share with them. Its way too soon for you to come to any conclusions about what life has in store for you. This all just happened. You just came through the holidays on the heels of your loss and its just the 2nd day of the new year. Take time to reflect upon how you can make choices that will be calming for you and healthy for you. Maybe a smaller apt without the baggage of a roomate. Allow people to earn your trust. Focus on bringing things into your orbit that bring you comfort and peace and fate will do the rest. Its January 2nd. Youre far from done. Youre just beginning and we cannot possibly know what waits for us around the corner. Sounds like you have a big heart that will warm  people and maybe even a furry friend out there , when youre ready. Your story is still unfolding. 

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Robbie my heart hurts that you're in so much pain and suffering. We are all physically far away from each other but spiritually we are all by your side, holding your hand. Ema said it all very well. Don't give up on life. Keep writing here.

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KayC thank you for this list. I understand your anger .People in their ignorance can say very inappropriate things to those who grieve, we all know it firsthand. I wish this list were common knowledge, but we are far from it. I hate too the "it happened for a reason " theory, it sounds so much like punishment. But why should we be punished ? AJW you're right, we have to live with this randomness of things or lose our minds.

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Robbie,

My heart breaks for you.  Life throws us curves but it's our pets that make it all seem worthwhile and help us hang in there a little longer.  But to be without your Bob right now, that's hard.  Don't do anything rash though.  It would help if you could talk to a counselor.  In my neighboring town they have a Whitebird clinic that helps people for free.  Can you look into if there's something like that where you live?  Maybe even call a hotline and talk to someone, sometimes it helps even if the person isn't right in front of you.

Maria,

Sorry about that, somehow hearing about things people say set me off yesterday, it made me remember when I'd experienced that.  Totally inappropriate responses!

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Hey everyone. @Ema good to see your post. I like knowing people come here and read and maybe don't always comment but find some comfort. I am sorry for both your losses Ema, and it is very scary and "unsettling" - I get it. :(  My husband and I both had little health crises in the weeks after losing our cat. I felt like the whole world, well my world, was falling apart. I was nervous all the time. What is next I kept thinking. It took a while for that feeling to go away.  

Robbie, you really bring Bob to life in your stories here. And yes, they make any stress or sadness almost disappear. They love so unconditionally. You need in my opinion, to take care of yourself starting NOW. Put YOU first. Get your $ from your roommate. Don't let it slide! Figure out a plan. I know you are feeling totally despondent. I was there. Even this week I have burst into tears. I don't know why... and then I think, yes you do. You are still sad. It's a "new year" and I am still processing this loss. 

Bob loved  you so much and so you need to love you to. Start now. Thinking of you.  

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