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JackieJr07

Grieving my dog holidays approaching

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It’s been a month and two weeks since I’ve lost my dog , not a day goes by that I don’t think of him . Every night I cry for him wishing to have him back In my arms . My routines are so hard now in days because I forget that he no longer is here I catch myself doing certain things then reality hits . This is one of the hardest things for me because he was what I called my furry child . I hate hearing the word cancer and it sucks because I work at a cancer center and dogs always come by to visit patients and I think of my dog . I can’t try around other people because a lot of people don’t understand how hard it is to lose a pet specially when you don’t see them as just your pet but as your family . I’m constantly looking at old photos and trying to think of all the good times we shared but i always think of the last day I spent with him and him going to sleep on my arms . I can’t get that imagine out of my head . I feel guilty and I start asking myself if I did the right thing . I’ve read some books to try and help me cope with the pain but it’s easier said than done . A guy recommended I do a dog medium to communicate but idk I’m skeptical and I don’t know I’m constantly asking god for signs to tell me I did the right thing or to show me that he’s okay I don’t know I’m just all over the place . I feel like I haven’t been myself for the past month since he’s left my life hasn’t been the same I miss him so damn much !!!! I’m sorry guys but I just needed to express myself because I bottle everything inside until I can’t anymore . This hurts me so much I wish I could bring him back pain free 

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I find there are two kinds of people in the world:  Dog or cat people, and non-animal people.  It seems we fit into one of these categories.  There are those who "don't want a dog to mess up their house" and those who think a dog MAKES their home a home.  I am one of those.  I can't understand people who don't allow a dog in their house.  It's sterile.  My dog has his own recliner next to the front window.  My dog and cat run the household, pretty much.  :)  There's a basket of toys next to the couch.  There are ornaments on the bottom row of the Christmas tree for them to play with, with bells, etc. in them.  You get the picture.  When a "dog person" loses their dog, it is devastating to them!  It's very hard to get used to those empty spaces, those times you get up to feed the dog, and he's not there.  You call him to come get a belly rub, and then remember, no one is going to come running.  The time of day you walk him and you have to go out alone.  It hits you afresh each time.

In time you get used to these changes in your routine, you're no longer hit anew like you're just getting the news, but always you miss him.  It's then that we learn to carry him in our heart.  I have lost many pets over the years, I guess I've lived too long, but I still love each and every one.  I look forward to getting to be with them again.  I couldn't live as I do if I didn't believe.

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@JackieJr07, I am so glad you posted and got some of what's going on for you. Have you seen my 7+ pages on this forum?? If it weren't such a sad topic, I'd laugh at how much I have come here, vented, shared my grief to those who understand, read and respond -  just getting it out has helped me. I am at 4 months now. The first month was incredibly hard. Then I thought I was "better" and then I'd get hit again with anger and sadness and feel almost as bad as I did the first week. So you know how this goes now at 6 weeks.

I will say that I am know longer (finally) going over and over the last hours. That was my big thing too. It's the most sad memory you have right? Well, now I am finally able to think about the years of happy memories. All the good stuff. You will get there. I believe my cat's spirit is with me and that he is okay. It makes me feel a little better and I have finally accepted he is at peace - but my heart still aches for him daily. Wishing you a little peace, I know how tough this is.

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@AJWCat yes as weeks are going past me I think I’m okay but then it all comes crashing down to reality . I’ve looked at adoption agencies to see if I can adopt but then I back away because I’m just not ready for another pet. I feel guilty getting another dog  don’t know it’s just hard . Now with the holidays approaching I cry more because I think of the stuff we used to do the cold nights we used to cuddle and all the warm kisses we used to share it’s so hard honestly . But I’m glad i found a place like this to fully expresss myself when others aren’t able to understand . 

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5 hours ago, JackieJr07 said:

@AJWCat yes as weeks are going past me I think I’m okay but then it all comes crashing down to reality . I’ve looked at adoption agencies to see if I can adopt but then I back away because I’m just not ready for another pet. I feel guilty getting another dog  don’t know it’s just hard . Now with the holidays approaching I cry more because I think of the stuff we used to do the cold nights we used to cuddle and all the warm kisses we used to share it’s so hard honestly . But I’m glad i found a place like this to fully expresss myself when others aren’t able to understand . 

As for another dog, you will know when the time is right I am sure. It is very much an up and down process though that is for sure. All those great memories, I know. I could not even go there in my mind the first couple of months. 

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10 hours ago, JackieJr07 said:

@AJWCat does the crying ever stop ? I’ve cried every night since it’s happened . I don’t tell my family anymore just because I feel like I’ll be judged and quite frankly They don’t understand my pain 

It does get better. I have never cried as much in my life as I have the last 4 months. And technically, the first 2 months. A few times I cried in the shower b/c I didn't want to freak out my husband. It will ease. I'm not sure this is the same for you... but I big part of me wanted to just cry and grieve forever because it made me feel closer to my cat. I was not ready to "let go" I guess. My cat died very suddenly and was not ill so I had no time to process. But KayC reminded me that, he is at peace. I am so busy thinking of myself I need to remember even though he was taken from us suddenly, he is at peace. He is okay. As is your sweet guy. It brings a little comfort even though my heart aches, it physically aches, as I know yours does as well.    

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22 hours ago, AJWCat said:

I will say that I am know longer (finally) going over and over the last hours.

I think I did that for years after my husband died.  It haunted me.  Although I will occasionally think about it, it doesn't consume me anymore, I think I've finally laid that to rest.  It bothered me so much that they (hospital) wouldn't let me stay with him when they were working on him.  I wanted to be there for him.  It's a hard thing to dispel those thoughts!  I have to accept that he IS in a better place and not just waiting for me but fully living even while I am living here.  We will be together again.

And like every animal I've ever lost, all of the dogs and cats over the years, each one different, each one special in their own way, I continue to miss them until that day we can be together again.  I don't know how all the logistics will work out.  I would think they wouldn't be as dependent in their next life, I'm sure God has thought of everything, but they will be happy and we will remember each other, of that I am sure, our relationships will continue.

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