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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
KayC

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21 minutes ago, LoveGoli said:

I was actually expecting your reply on my post. Its so strange we connected to people and expecting replies from them whom we never met. 

So sorry we are going through all this pain. Wishing you strength, comfort, and peace during your Tuesday morning.  It's time for me to go to bed.  With my luck, I'll wake up again tomorrow!

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33 minutes ago, Azipod said:

So sorry we are going through all this pain. Wishing you strength, comfort, and peace during your Tuesday morning.  It's time for me to go to bed.  With my luck, I'll wake up again tomorrow!

Seeing our luck I guess we are going to wake up again and again for few more years.

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11 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Seeing our luck I guess we are going to wake up again and again for few more years.

As expected, I woke up this morning (again!).  Sigh.

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23 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

You couldn't have said it better.  I share the same challenges.  Now, after work, I have nobody to go home to.  I just go home to an empty house.  It's so much easier to just die so we don't have to deal with this misery.  It's like a waiting game these days.   I just wake up, work, eat, go to bed.... all while in pain.   It's the same thing every week.

I still feel the same way 15 months latter. hurts like hell

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22 hours ago, Boom Boom said:

I still feel the same way 15 months latter. hurts like hell

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband the month before you lost your beloved wife. it still hurts and always will. The pain is not as intense, but it is a persistent dull ache. The sadness and loneliness is overwhelming. These darn holidays don't help matters either. Exacerbates the feelings.

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14 hours ago, KMB said:

These darn holidays don't help matters either. Exacerbates the feelings.

That it does.

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The pain is truly agonising tonight. I can't breathe through it and the tears have been falling for hours now.  I'm not actively  crying it's just that the tears won't stop.

I feel I've lost what tiny little grip I had on normality.  I've been home for 5 days - time I'd booked off before we even knew Clive was ill- and it's been a nightmare.  I haven't had the energy to even get up, shower and clean my teeth.  I've only got up to feed the cat and give her fresh water.  Ive eaten the grand total of a packet of chocolate biscuits and a litre of pineapple juice since I got home from work on Tuesday night.  I've  totally and completely lost any hope I had that things can get better because, after 71 days without him, I know that they won't, and that, if I'm honest, I don't really want them to.

It's so bloody cruel that they make us keep living like this.  I always said that I didn't want to outlive Clive and I still feel that way.  Any compassionate society would offer us an out as soon as our lifemate passed away, not expect us to carry on an empty life with nothing to look forward to but the day we die ourselves. 

I have no children and only very elderly parents, so there's no future for me at all.  I'll never even be able to look at a child, or grandchild and see a continuation of Clive and I.   There's just an empty, aching, bleak future of waking up, going to work, coming home and sleeping.  Rinse. Lather. Repeat.  What's the point?  There is no point.  Each day is just another pointless slog towards the grave when it will all, finally, blessedly, stop.

I'm sorry for ranting on like this but, maybe, if I  put these feelings out into the world it might lessen the pain enough to let me sleep for a few hours tonight before the whole dreary business starts again in the morning............

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6 hours ago, Skywise said:

The pain is truly agonising tonight. I can't breathe through it and the tears have been falling for hours now.  I'm not actively  crying it's just that the tears won't stop.

I feel I've lost what tiny little grip I had on normality.  I've been home for 5 days - time I'd booked off before we even knew Clive was ill- and it's been a nightmare.  I haven't had the energy to even get up, shower and clean my teeth.  I've only got up to feed the cat and give her fresh water.  Ive eaten the grand total of a packet of chocolate biscuits and a litre of pineapple juice since I got home from work on Tuesday night.  I've  totally and completely lost any hope I had that things can get better because, after 71 days without him, I know that they won't, and that, if I'm honest, I don't really want them to.

It's so bloody cruel that they make us keep living like this.  I always said that I didn't want to outlive Clive and I still feel that way.  Any compassionate society would offer us an out as soon as our lifemate passed away, not expect us to carry on an empty life with nothing to look forward to but the day we die ourselves. 

I have no children and only very elderly parents, so there's no future for me at all.  I'll never even be able to look at a child, or grandchild and see a continuation of Clive and I.   There's just an empty, aching, bleak future of waking up, going to work, coming home and sleeping.  Rinse. Lather. Repeat.  What's the point?  There is no point.  Each day is just another pointless slog towards the grave when it will all, finally, blessedly, stop.

I'm sorry for ranting on like this but, maybe, if I  put these feelings out into the world it might lessen the pain enough to let me sleep for a few hours tonight before the whole dreary business starts again in the morning............

I remember around between 2-3 months it was the most hopeless time for me.  Hang in there.  You will get better.  I still have no interest in life but try to do a little extra beyond the routine every day.

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17 hours ago, Skywise said:

I've  totally and completely lost any hope I had that things can get better because, after 71 days without him, I know that they won't, and that, if I'm honest, I don't really want them to.

I'm so sorry, I know things look really bleak right now, oh my god I do remember those early months, sheer torture!  I want you to understand that it will not always feel as it does right now.  I know it's hard to believe but grief evolves and we adjust, that doesn't seem possible, but it does happen.  George and I were so close, we loved each other, we adored each other and it showed!  People always commented on it because it was so apparent.  My son (from my previous marriage) said he is glad he got to live with us because he got to see what real love was like.  He'd never seen that between his dad and I.  To have that soulmate in your life and lose them all too soon from death, shockingly, unexpectedly, you feel you'll never recover.  And it's true we're never the same again, nor will our lives ever be, but we do adjust to being alone (somewhat) and learn to find purpose and build a life for ourselves that we can live.  I don't see my kids or grandkids much, they're not part of my everyday life, I've had to built a life that has some fulfillment and enjoyment with, build relationships with others so that I am not alone all of the time and I have other things to look forward to.  It takes effort, hard work, on our parts, but it can be done.  I didn't do it overnight.  It took me about three years just to process my husband's death, many more years to find purpose, many more to build a life I can live.  It's been 12 1/2 years for me and this is the hardest journey I've ever embarked on.  I understand your feelings that it's cruel we should have to live like this, I really do.  In the beginning I only wished for death to come for me.  But I want to hold up that hope to you, that it changes, it won't always be as it is today.

I also want to tell you that it is okay to hope for things to get better.  So many people think they have to wrap their arms around grief as a way of holding them to their loved one, but I say to you, it is not grief that binds us to them, but love.  And that love continues still, and will keep on continuing, not only for you, but for him.  The only thing that occurred is his body gave out, but his love did not, your and his love continues the same as it always has, but it's like there's this invisible veil between us and them, oh if only we could burst through that veil and put our arms around them!  But we shall!  It is that hope for reuniting that keeps me going...

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12 hours ago, LoveD said:

I remember around between 2-3 months it was the most hopeless time for me.  Hang in there.  You will get better.  I still have no interest in life but try to do a little extra beyond the routine every day.

Between 2-4 months was an absolute killer for me.  The pain from the initial trauma, that is the shock and denial will let off slowly and over the course of a few months, they will become less intense.   Now into the 2nd half of the year for me, the waves of grief seems to be more of a just a smaller reminder.  It is not anywhere as traumatic as it was before.  But now my body and my heart is working on other areas of my loss.   Make no mistake.  It's not better, it's just different.   The sadness, loneliness, and despair carries on.

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19 hours ago, Skywise said:

The pain is truly agonising tonight. I can't breathe through it and the tears have been falling for hours now.  I'm not actively  crying it's just that the tears won't stop.

I'm sorry for ranting on like this but, maybe, if I  put these feelings out into the world it might lessen the pain enough to let me sleep for a few hours tonight before the whole dreary business starts again in the morning............

There will be periods during our grief where it will consume us.  In my earlier months, the grief was a monster that was like my shadow.  It lurked and loomed over me and was never more than one step away.   As soon as I stopped, it will consume and eat me up.   As long as I keep trotting forward, for the most part, i was OK.  But then there does come a time where you have to stop, because you will get mighty exhausted if you did not.   Grief, is very demanding.    Unfortunately, there is no way to get out of grief.  We must face it, go through it, and process it.  There's no other way out.    

Don't worry about "ranting," you are not.   What you are expressing is what we've all been through.  It doesn't mean we are experts, not anywhere close to that at all.  We know how and understand what you are going through.     And yes, you are correct, in my earlier weeks, I've quickly realized that everyday is a repeat of the prior.  It's one of the more difficult mountains to conquer during this grief journey.

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10 minutes ago, Azipod said:

There will be periods during our grief where it will consume us.  In my earlier months, the grief was a monster that was like my shadow.  It lurked and loomed over me and was never more than one step away.   As soon as I stopped, it will consume and eat me up.   As long as I keep trotting forward, for the most part, i was OK.  But then there does come a time where you have to stop, because you will get mighty exhausted if you did not.   Grief, is very demanding.    Unfortunately, there is no way to get out of grief.  We must face it, go through it, and process it.  There's no other way out.    

Don't worry about "ranting," you are not.   What you are expressing is what we've all been through.  It doesn't mean we are experts, not anywhere close to that at all.  We know how and understand what you are going through.     And yes, you are correct, in my earlier weeks, I've quickly realized that everyday is a repeat of the prior.  It's one of the more difficult mountains to conquer during this grief journey.

What you described is exactly true.

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