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Lost My Husband of 20 Years


karweb

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My husband passed away on Nov 2, 2017. The day before he had been sick with what I thought was the flu and I slept in my daughters room that night.  When I got up for work that morning, I went into the bedroom he was in and found him.  The coroner said his heart went into an arrhythmia and died from sudden cardiac arrest.  He was 52 when he passed.  

I am completely devastated - having trouble sleeping, I'm barely eating.  I keep being told "oh you need to be strong for your kids" and "you're stronger than you think" and "at least he's at peace now" or "it'll get better with time"

I get that people are trying to be supportive or they don't know what to say so they say all the "typical" responses.  And I appreciate their concern, but it's not what I want to hear. 

It's the nighttime that's the worst when the lonliness sets in the worst.  I lost my best friend, the one person I could always count on to be there for me no matter what.  It is the worst pain I've ever had to go through in my life. Just completely heartbroken

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I just signed up for this forum and I saw your post.  My wife of 11 years passed away the week prior to thanksgiving.  Needless to say, I hear and feel every word you wrote.  I hate this house, I hate the nights, and I hate when people say what they think would be helpful, but completely miss the mark.

This is the first thing I’ve done to connect with someone about this, so I hope that saying I truly understand what’s happening to you helps in some way.  I really can’t imagine life moving forward, hell I have a hard time even thinking about it, for both me and our son. 

It’s a truly paralyzing feeling, and I hate it.

Donnie

 

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@karweb and @Donnie_A

My husband died just after his 51st birthday.  He was in perfect shape...goes to show we never know what is going on inside our body, what's outside isn't always reflective of it.  It is a shock, I thought we had many years left together, we didn't even meet until our 40s and had only been married 3 years 8 months to the day.  He is my soulmate and best friend, the love of my life.  It's been 12 1/2 years on the 19th.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone 12 years!  

I wrote this article from my 12 year journey, I hope something from it is of help to you:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 12/12/2017 at 2:19 PM, karweb said:

My husband passed away on Nov 2, 2017. The day before he had been sick with what I thought was the flu and I slept in my daughters room that night.  When I got up for work that morning, I went into the bedroom he was in and found him.  The coroner said his heart went into an arrhythmia and died from sudden cardiac arrest.  He was 52 when he passed.  

I am completely devastated - having trouble sleeping, I'm barely eating.  I keep being told "oh you need to be strong for your kids" and "you're stronger than you think" and "at least he's at peace now" or "it'll get better with time"

I get that people are trying to be supportive or they don't know what to say so they say all the "typical" responses.  And I appreciate their concern, but it's not what I want to hear. 

It's the nighttime that's the worst when the lonliness sets in the worst.  I lost my best friend, the one person I could always count on to be there for me no matter what.  It is the worst pain I've ever had to go through in my life. Just completely heartbroken

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.  My Charles also died of a massive heart attack and I truly wasn't prepared or expected it; nobody really is.  One consolation is that he didn't suffer - the doctor said it was instant and for that, I am grateful.  Of course you're devastated, it's expected and it will probably get worst before it gets somewhat better.  I truly get what you're going through - after Charles made his transition, I used to think I couldn't go a day without him,  without his smile that made me melt; without telling him things and hearing his voice back.  Then that day came (the day my world froze and went dark) and it was so damn hard, but the next day was even harder.  And I knew with a sinking feeling it was only going to get worst and I wasn't going to be OK for a very long time.  When I lost my Charles, it wasn't just an event or occasion and it didn't happen once - it happens over and over again.  Every time I  pick up his favorite coffee mug, whenever  *our* song comes on the radio, or when I discover an old t-shirt of his at the bottom of the laundry pile.  I lose him every time I think about kissing him, hold him in my arms or wanting him.  Every night I lose him when I wish I could tell him about my day or in the morning when I wake and reach for the empty space across the sheets.

While people mean well, they often say the wrong things like what you described in your post.  For the most part, I don't think they are being mean-spirited or have an ungenerous attitude, they think saying something is better than not saying anything at all.  Sometimes actions (just being there) speak louder than words, but words get all the attention.  Give them the benefit of the doubt and move on, they certainly have.

I know about the loneliness - it is the worst kind of sadness.   It's that empty feeling that wells up inside of you because you miss them so much. It fills you like liquid lead and you feel paralyzed, trapped inside your own body,  but mostly your head.  And perhaps people will hear your story and console you but guess what? It’s just not enough. You smile and try to absolutely listen to them and absorb their kind words because you honestly appreciate them and hope they make a difference.  You try to put things in perspective telling yourself that there is someone who is suffering more than you. That works for a little while and you have a new perspective on things, but guess what, that feeling wears off, and suddenly you are trapped within those mundane everyday things that you struggle with.  But who’s to say that you can’t struggle with it; who’s to say you can’t let it all out and cry a little or get angry and punch a wall? Life isn’t fair sometimes - that's just the way it is.  Sometimes I think that it might not get better, and a lot of times there might not be anything you can do about it. Maybe you can change the way you’re looking at it, or some of the details, but the ending remains the same: you are lonely. That sinking feeling that starts in your throat and goes to the pit of your stomach will be there to stay. The question becomes: are you strong enough to make it through?  

I'm praying that you do.

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