Tremendous guilt

[Bambi]

Hi,

I am new to the forum. I was searching on line for some support for the pain and guilt I am feeling. My beautiful Bella died on Friday and I am struggling with the guilt and pain. She was almost 16 years old and was such a placid, almost human like border terrier. I have had her since leaving her mum at a few weeks old. My 18 year old daughter was a toddler and my 13 yr old son has only ever known her being part of our family. Due to old age she was deaf and blind but stlll enjoyed cuddles and treats. A couple of months ago I took her to the vets with a lump on her breast and was told she had cancer but at her age it could be more harmful to operate. She also warned it wasn't uncommon for lung cancer to develop as secondary to breast cancer.  We went home and continued to give her lots of love and treats. Bella slept in her bed in my bedroom and sometimes in the night she would bark to go out for a wee. She could go up and down the stairs but more often than not I chose to carry her to save her energy and prevent a fall. The last couple of days leading upto her death her breathing was shallow and rapid during the silence of the night but she continued to enjoy chicken dinners (my thinking was that when she chose not to eat chicken her time had come to return to the vet). During Thursday night she was very unsettled and her breathing was bad. We slept down stairs for a couple of hours then went back up and she seemed to settle. Friday morn I warned my daughter that I thought she needed to go to the vets Fri tea time on return from work to put her out of any pain she may be in. She was standing up but didn't want the chicken. I put her in my bedroom, gave her a kiss and went to work. My daughter did say "shouldn't one of us stay home with her?" but I didn't respond to the question and we went off to work. My partner who is self employed came home about 2 o clock and she was taking her last breathes. He phoned me and told me to get home quickly. I picked up my daughter from work and son from school but we were too late. She had gone. I think she went seconds after the phone call. My partner had been with her and stroked her to the end, he managed to take a short video so we could see she was still alive when he was there (we then deleted the video). He was convinced she was hanging on for us to say good bye. My daughter was hysterical because she had promised she would be there to the end. Bella died at 2.15. I have just read my texts from her and she said "I think someone should be with her at home" at 11.20 followed by "have you been home at dinner?" 1.24 pm. I replied at 2.10 with "no x".....Bella died minutes later. I can't get passed the guilt firstly for not taking her to the vets in the morning to put her out of any pain and secondly for not being there for her at the end. Sense tells me she had a good life and I nursed her through her final weeks but the guilt of not being there in her final hour of need is with me all of the time. I let her down and don't know how to forgive myself. Thank you in advance for reading and offering any support,

Bambi

xx

[KayC]

Bambi,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Your post is almost classic, it could have been written by any of us.  I think we've all experienced similar circumstances and feelings.  Guilt is a grief response.  Honestly, we're human, we are caught up in work schedules, etc. and meeting all the demands of life, and can't be faulted for that.  We never know when someone close to us will die, we don't get foreknowledge of that, not even when they're displaying signs or symptoms, because we expect life to continue tomorrow the same as today, the same as yesterday.  When we re shocked into realizing otherwise...it's too late to make different actions or choices.  I'm glad your partner was home with her.  She knew you loved her, she was home in her comfort zone, I hope you can take consolation in that.

It's so common in our grief to feel guilt, to think I wish I would have done this or that, but in reality, we're coming up with different scenarios whereby we might have a different ending.  I hope these articles are of help to you as they are to me...

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf 

http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml 

 

[AJWCat]

Hi @Bambi, I am so sorry to hear about your wonderful Bella. It sounds like she had a long and very good life with you. I am sorry you were not with her at the moment of passing, but she was safe, at home and comforted by your partner. Be sure not to put your own thoughts into her mind... (I have done this!) and then we feel horrendous of course - but animals aren't really thinking like us. I will tell you I have read stories here of the most "ideal passing" of a pet - meaning, the person's animal was in their arms, in a calm setting, at the "right" moment and still afterwards there is guilt. It travels with grief. The guilt can really tear you apart needlessly so I hope you stop that as much as you can. Be well, I know how painful this is and how miss her!      

 

[Maria9]

Bambi I am so sorry about your Bella and I understand ,as all of us here do, your guilt. Like KayC said we never know beforehand when our pets will pass and even if we see any signs we often ignore them because the thought that our pets will go scares us to death, we cannot face it. This is very human .We are not perfect omnipotent beings. Your Bella knew how much you loved her and even if you were not physically there your hearts were with her and she knew this. She passed in your partner's  hands, he was there for her. I agree with AJWCat, do not project your feelings on her because of your guilt and don't torment yourself, this loss is already too hard. Your doggy had a wonderful life with you and you gave her the best care that you could. Please be comforted by this and try to forgive yourself, not for being guilty but for being human. Keep posting here if it helps you, we understand.

[JackieJr07]

Bambi I’m so sorry for your loss I seriously cried my eyes out because we have similar situations my dog also had cancer and his breathing was really bad took him to the vet they couldn’t do anything more so I put him down it was one of the hardest things to do . I’m so sorry it’s really hard but just know that you gave that dog the best life you could have it lots of love and care and they will forever thank you for that . They’re always around trust me ! I hope and pray you get through this pain . We are here to listen and talk about it .