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jbeanie

I Need some help

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i have been with my partner for 28 years  and he was previously married  and  him and his ex wife  had a son  together 

we live in a different state and on Saturday we recieved a phone call that  was from his ex wife in hysterics  she was in her sons room and he was not breathing he was 30 years old 

he had passed in his sleep , my partner flew immediately to Vic  to be with his Ex wife (as he should be)  and because  it was so sudden and quick l was not able to go  with him to support him the reality is  that he is a casual worker  and we need my income to survive  and also pets  at home and no one that can stay with them , so  he needed me to stay home.

His  taking it very hard as he spoke  and saw his son  regually but  things have become really hard for me being here alone l loved   him  for 28 years also  he was part of my life  and my partner  last night  was acting strange he was extremely drunk   ringing me at 2am and 3am   saying some extremely hurtful things and even  things  that lead me to believe he might try to kill himself (my father passed away from suicide and he knows talk  like that  sends me into a deep depression) 

He has called today  no mention of his drunken calls  and has not been nasty today on the phone , l just do not know how to help him l listen l say nothing  because anytime l tried to comfort him hisended up him wanting to argue  with  me  and we are generally not like that  we argue  but not often , l am hurting  so badly  l loved him  and  l adore his ex wife also  who is a wonderful  person l am screwing up in helping him, can  someone please suggest anything l can do the wait is agony for my partner waiting   to know when they can  bury  him 

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jbeanie it is lovely you are looking for support to offer your longterm partner after the sudden death of his adult son.  On loss of an adult child thread we are in the majority fathers and mothers that have also lost children/adult children so we understand what your partner is going through. Being drunk is a common habit to fall into in the early days to cope with the shocking loss and avoid your feelings but as you know is not really beneficial. Men frequently tend to react with anger at first because they feel they should have been able to prevent bad things happening (they could not of course, none of us can see into the future) and do not like that loss of control. in bereavement there are so many conflicting emotions and you flip flop all over the place, one minute angry, then devastated, then needing answers, then angry ,then numb, the emotions cycle randomly and you are not in control over them at all. Anger is an emotion that always comes from something else like fear, frustration loss of control, anxiety, shame or guilt. His parents need some answers for sure but autopsy results etc take time and there needs to probably be a police investigation to see if the son was a suicide or drug overdose, had a genetic undiagnosed disease or killed by someone else. All horrifying thoughts I know. The answers will come but it does take a while and it is very hard to be patient and wait. Once the coroner and police are satisfied they will then release his body so his parents can arrange a service/ burial/cremation etc. You are doing the right thing letting him talk and telling him that you have not been in that same situation so you don't know but are trying to understand and support him. It must be hard to hear his pain and very worrying especially if he makes threats to himself but that is common too so bear that in mind. Not everyone that goes through this actually acts out the threat it is just because you feel like your life has been forever ruined and because you miss your child so much you want to be with them. He and his ex will hopefully come together and help support each other and you continue to be there for him by phone until he comes home again. There are probably articles online that will offer you some insights on the grieving journey too. It is a long and painful process that has to be worked on to get to the stage when there is some acceptance and can take many many months to happen. I wish you luck

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Thank you so much  for you advise they have released the body now and he will be laid to rest in 5 days  my partner seems to be coping but the moods change quickly he is wanting to get home and back to work the day after the funeral he thinks he will help all l can do  is try and be supportive , they also were  given the  prelimonary  autopsy  results and that has given him some peace his son he thought had a flu  bug  passed in his sleep from a seizure and  was in no pain this has given him some answers until the full results are back

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