Lost the love of my life

[Tammys50]

On December 6, 2017 I unexpectedly lost my husband. He passed away in his sleep. He was only 58 years old. He suffered from a cardiac arrest in September this year. He was making good progress, last Tuesday I was told by his nurse he was starting to eat , and slowly being weened from the feeding tube and trach tube. When he passed away he was on oxygen. I miss him so much. I think he might of had another cardiac arrest. We were married for 26 wonderful years. My heart is broken. Thankfully I have some family my son and wife, and his sister and her family. He didn't want no viewing of him I respected his wishes. We are having a little funeral at the cemetery tomorrow. I just wish my sister and brother was there for support but no. They wouldn't even come to say good bye on Wednesday afternoon. I really don't like them right now it is very upsetting all they care about themselves. They should have been there for my husband and my family. We are suppose go to there place for Christmas I am not going, they can't be there for me I don't want to be around them.

[Francine]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know the pain you are suffering.  My Charles also died from a unexpected massive heart attack on the exact day (one year ago) your husband passed on.   That day is embedded into my memory forever; the day he took his last breath and the day my world stopped and went dark.  It hit me like a sledge hammer and caught me totally off guard.  I wasn't physically prepared and mentally, I was a total mess.  Losing someone so close to us is one of the most painful and trying experiences any human can possibly endure. No one knows the depths of our pain; even here on this site, others feel our pain because they too have lost loved ones, but only you know the depth of your pain and will never forget this loss; memories of your husband will never leave you, nor should they. The thing about life after loss is that no matter what, someone is always missing. No matter what, your family will always be achingly incomplete. Know that you are not alone in this. You probably feel quite overwhelmed and bewildered right now, sort of like you were picked up and placed on a different planet!  

Life is irreparably broken without our husbands living in it; life will never feel a-okay again. Sure it will have moments of bittersweet joy, and bittersweet happiness, and you will eventually laugh again, and find stupid things funny, but it will never again be what it once was. There will never again be that feeling of happiness– the kind that felt natural, the kind you wonder if ever existed at all? You may never again have the feeling that all is right in the world. You can’t fix it, mend it, or even cry it away. No matter how many years go by, the ache remains.

Charles and I were blessed to have 45 years together and were inseparable.  When we left for any reason, we always told each other goodbye.  When he made his transition, we didn't get a chance to say goodbye and that never leaves my thoughts; the finality of it is something I just can't comprehend.  Some nights I stay up with the stars as my only company and I wonder where my Charles is; if he is; and the horrible aching void of his absence beside me is too much for me to bear.  I miss him ever hour and the worst part is, it caught me completely by surprise.  I catch myself just walking around the house to find him; not for any particular reason, just out of habit because I saw something and wanted to tell him about it or just wanted to hear his voice.  Then I realize that he isn't there any longer and every time, every single time, it is like having the wind knocked out of me again.

It's unfortunate your sister and brother were not there for you; one would think you'd be able to count on family when tragedy touches us and when they aren't there for us, it's painful.  Isn't it pathetic how we waste so much time on certain people and in the end, they prove they weren't even worth a second of it.  The harsh reality is that people move on with their lives leaving you all alone to walk this lonely and painful journey.  We think why aren't they crying with us and perhaps light some candles telling us we are not alone.  Little do they know or care that for the griever, everyday is a new battle to start being strong all over again.  So we do it, because it's the only option we have. I know you're hurting and somewhere down the line, I hope you are able to forgive your family; not that they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.  

Continue to post here; we're always here when you want to post, or vent or just read some of the other post. We are not here by accident, fluke or coincidence; we're here because its where we're suppose to be at this time and place helping to uplift, encourage and learn from one another.   I pray that God gives you HIS peace and strength to get through this most difficult season in your life.    

 

[Tammys50]

You hit it perfectly. This just happened. Then I am still grieving over the loss of my beloved 12 year old golden retriever we had to put to sleep in July this year. He and I were very close. It has been a very lousy 5 months. But I know my dog Lucky is still with me in spirit because I have heard him and felt him by me. I have been dreaming about him and my husband so I know they are angels for my son and I. When we were making arrangements at the cemetery office on Thursday there was a lot of birds by. I know that is another sign angels are by

[Azipod]

6 hours ago, Tammys50 said:

On December 6, 2017 I unexpectedly lost my husband. He passed away in his sleep. He was only 58 years old. He suffered from a cardiac arrest in September this year. He was making good progress, last Tuesday I was told by his nurse he was starting to eat , and slowly being weened from the feeding tube and trach tube. When he passed away he was on oxygen. I miss him so much. I think he might of had another cardiac arrest. We were married for 26 wonderful years. My heart is broken. Thankfully I have some family my son and wife, and his sister and her family. He didn't want no viewing of him I respected his wishes. We are having a little funeral at the cemetery tomorrow. I just wish my sister and brother was there for support but no. They wouldn't even come to say good bye on Wednesday afternoon. I really don't like them right now it is very upsetting all they care about themselves. They should have been there for my husband and my family. We are suppose go to there place for Christmas I am not going, they can't be there for me I don't want to be around them.

Tammys50 - I am so sorry to hear about what happened.   Losing your spouse is incredibly difficult and this is really just the tip of the ice berg.   Along with the primary loss, there can be secondary losses which compiles onto the underlying problem.  You have started to experience some of his involving your sister and brother already.  I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.    I lost my wife after only being with her just shy of 6-years.  I cannot imagine spending 26-years of marriage with someone and then suddenly they are taken away.   I am so sorry.   The feelings for you right are really raw and real.  It will take time to settle in.    Your feelings, and emotions, will shift dramatically as time goes on.   There will plenty of unhappy periods in the upcoming months but just know that when you are down in the dumps, and you need others to hear you out... make sure you come onto this forum.    This will be one of the few places where you can get to day in and day out knowing that everyone here, truly understands how you feel.    Take care and hang in there for now.   Btw, it takes a lot of courage and strength to come to a forum like this and post less than a week after the loss.  I applaud you for coming here.

[KayC]

Tammy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  My husband just had his 51st birthday when he passed from a heart attack.  The doctor should have caught it way sooner, he'd complained of symptoms for months, and it's in his family history, but he brushed him aside.  He was in the hospital awaiting 5 bypass surgery but it was too late, he didn't make it that far.

Your sister's response is more than disappointing, you feel betrayed and let down.  I want to exhort you not to throw the baby out with the bath though.  Hear me just a moment.  Right now you are in the worst place in your life, you're going through shock, intense grief, immense pain, not the best time to make life altering decisions.  I say that because I know the grief fog well, I lived in it in the early years, it's amazing I could work and support myself with the demands of job at a time when I could hardly even think!  Your sister has no comprehension of what you are going through.  People can't know unless they've been there.  It might support you better to write her a letter, not attacking her, but telling her how losing your husband has affected you and your life, the feeling you may have of anxiety, loneliness, of feeling you're about to cross a precipice and won't make it.  Tell her specifically what you need from her.  If you don't have the words, borrow them from someone else, print out an article for her to read.  

We are very sensitive when we're grieving, very thin-skinned, and there's a reason for that.  It takes everything within us to get through this and we must by necessity become self-centered.  In our culture we're made to feel self-centered is wrong, but there's times in our lives when we must be in order to survive.  One of those times is when we're a baby, we cry so our needs get met.  But another time is when tragedy strikes.  We don't have it in us to meet the rest of the world's needs, we can barely meet our own, and it takes everything within us to get through this.  We can't see up, we see no hope in sight.  Our hearts are shattered and our lives will never be the same.

My heart is with you as you pay your respects today at the cemetery.  Perhaps it'll be easier for you to not have your sister there so you can focus completely on your husband and getting through the day. 

If you still feel the same way about your sister a year or so from now, there's time enough to cut her off, but for now I'd hold off making any kind of a decision that could affect you for life.  It's understandable if you don't want to go there for Christmas, just send a note thanking her for the invite but telling her you don't feel up to being around a lot of people and gaiety right now.  That's true enough, this is very very close to the holidays.

You might enclose a copy of this article when you send your note to her:

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

[Terri5]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancee three weeks ago Thanksgiving. I just finished spreading his ashes and saying goodbye. It seems all I can do now is cry.

[Azipod]

12 hours ago, Terri5 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancee three weeks ago Thanksgiving. I just finished spreading his ashes and saying goodbye. It seems all I can do now is cry.

Terri.  My condolences to you.  My heart dropped when I read that your loss occurred on an important day such as Thanksgiving.  I can imagine this would be a very difficult day when it comes around each day.  I hope that you can find comfort and healing with the help of the members here.   The grief work is hard, intense, unrelenting, and is very demanding.  There's really nothing good to say about it.     Just know that you are supported here and you can feel free to post your feeling ---- this is one of the feel areas you will find out in the world where everyone just understands you.  

[Tammys50]

I am still grieving from the loss of my fur baby Lucky who we had since he was 7 weeks old. I had a very strong bond with him. My husband said just before his cardiac arrest in September that my Lucky spirit will always be with me. Yesterday while at the cemetery for my husband I heard my lucky was with me. So I know he was with me and I have been hearing him and feeling him. Two losses in 5 months is very unbearable. I don't even want Christmas this year. I always enjoyed it. I miss the both of them so much. Even when I am crying a lot lately I can sense my lucky by me. My husband and I would have been married for 27 years in this next May.I did get his death certificate he had lung disease never smoked and did have a heart attack in his sleep.

[TwoDown2017]

Dec 15 (tomorrow) is two years without Bill. It’s exhausting, carrying the pain. But finally a few hrs a day I don’t think of him. Finally, laughter, sunshine, and perhaps a new kind of love. The old me died that day with Bill; but I’ve rebuilt myself in every way but one - a ragged heart with one piece missing. My caring thoughts are with you all and I have drawn strength from you today.  I am so sorry for your losses, and for my own as well on this sad time of year in my life. 

Thank you all for the gift you’ve given me - to realize I am surviving and healing from a terrible thing and perhaps the future is brighter than I thought. 

[KayC]

Tammy, 

I'm glad you feel your Lucky with you.  Loss of a beloved pet is very hard, they are part of our family, like babies to us.  Any time we lose someone we love that is part of our everyday life, it is a huge adjustment.  You have my permission to skip Christmas.

It seems very unfair that your husband passed like that when he never even smoked.

[Azipod]

2 hours ago, TwoDown2017 said:

Dec 15 (tomorrow) is two years without Bill. It’s exhausting, carrying the pain. But finally a few hrs a day I don’t think of him. Finally, laughter, sunshine, and perhaps a new kind of love. The old me died that day with Bill; but I’ve rebuilt myself in every way but one - a ragged heart with one piece missing. My caring thoughts are with you all and I have drawn strength from you today.  I am so sorry for your losses, and for my own as well on this sad time of year in my life. 

Thank you all for the gift you’ve given me - to realize I am surviving and healing from a terrible thing and perhaps the future is brighter than I thought. 

TwoDown2017:   Thank you for popping in to give us a check in.   We only have a few established members on the forum and it's always so nice for us to see someone that is farther down the journey check-in so that we can get a glimpse of the road ahead.    It saddens me get the confirmation from you that the grief doesn't go away; it will always remain the shadow lurking one step behind us.    The good part I suppose, is that your confirmation gives us a dose of reality and gives us a realistic expectation of how long the grief will follow us.  Thanks again.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, TwoDown2017 said:

Dec 15 (tomorrow) is two years without Bill. It’s exhausting, carrying the pain. But finally a few hrs a day I don’t think of him. Finally, laughter, sunshine, and perhaps a new kind of love. The old me died that day with Bill; but I’ve rebuilt myself in every way but one - a ragged heart with one piece missing. My caring thoughts are with you all and I have drawn strength from you today.  I am so sorry for your losses, and for my own as well on this sad time of year in my life. 

Thank you all for the gift you’ve given me - to realize I am surviving and healing from a terrible thing and perhaps the future is brighter than I thought. 

I'm glad you're telling it as it is.  I think it helps to know what reality is to deal with.  I've heard people make statements like they expect to be over it by the end of the first year.  ???!  We don't GET over it!  But it does evolve...we do learn to carry our grief inside of us and it becomes more tolerable.  I don't think anything could be as bad as that early grief.  It was such a shock!  We learn to cope with life on our own.  We adjust.  But we never stop missing them.  I've learned to carry my George inside of me, so I can reach inside for him.  I've taken him to job interviews or dealing with contractors, or into surgery.  And I've drawn from his faith in me, his strength and encouragement, his love for me.  And yes we do smile again, we do laugh again.  It's important to give ourselves permission to.