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Lisaislost

Grieving my future

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Grief has its waves, waves of feeling the depths of despair, and then feeling somewhat okay, only to be knocked down again.  I've learned to ride the waves, knowing tomorrow I'll have different feelings than today, and hanging on for the ride.  It's a hard thing to get through, I take each day, each moment, as it comes.  

Riding the waves is an excellent analogy.  I don't surf but riding the waves brings images of how I feel about this.   In the earlier weeks/months, I was constantly drowning while trying to swim.  I would get hit by a wave and be thrown underneath the water.  I struggle and struggle only to resurface after some time.  Then, another wave comes and knocks me down, making me gasp for air.  Sometimes, i get "consumed" and get suffocated.   I nearly drown, and then it happens over and over again.  That's my grief in the earlier weeks/months.

Now, I am no longer consumed by grief.  However, the waves do come, albeit them less in intensity and much shorter in duration.  Now, I'm "riding the waves" because I've been given a surf board.  So I ride and ride.   Sometimes the waves to crash against my body throwing me in the water.  But I quickly climb back up to my surf board and I continue riding.   Make no mistake though, where I am now, I still get waves of grief.  However, they don't consume me because I know how to ride it.  Through time and experience, I've learned how to built myself tools.  In other words, my vehicle is the surfboard, that allows me to stay above water.     I get knocked down occasionally, but I get back up.  I no longer drown.

Being able to manage the grief, or the waves of it for that matter, is only a stepping stone into this process.   Even though my grief is being managed, the pain, sorrow, and despair is still there.   That's a much longer phase to conquer.

 

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21 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

my best friend is trying to get me out to yoga. I know i should go but it’s hard to go out. I’m planning a trip to North Carolina to visit my brother in April. It will be my 20th anniversary and i know i won’t want to be home. 

My suggestion is to try everything and anything out.  That was really the mindset I needed in my earlier months which allowed me to survive.   During that time, I was vulnerable though I was not fearful.   I knew that nothing could hurt me, because I was already in  a world of hurt.   Although I did not do any extra-hazardous activities, I did not fear trying out anything within reason.  There was no longer fear, in anything.     There was nothing to lose.  I already my world, the love of my life.  What's the worst that can happen?  I die and I get to be my wife.  It doesn't sound so bad at all!

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

My suggestion is to try everything and anything out.  That was really the mindset I needed in my earlier months which allowed me to survive.   During that time, I was vulnerable though I was not fearful.   I knew that nothing could hurt me, because I was already in  a world of hurt.   Although I did not do any extra-hazardous activities, I did not fear trying out anything within reason.  There was no longer fear, in anything.     There was nothing to lose.  I already my world, the love of my life.  What's the worst that can happen?  I die and I get to be my wife.  It doesn't sound so bad at all!

I use to be afraid to fly, not anymore. I feel the same way. 

I did go out today to the barn while my friend groomed her horse. My kids were out and i didn’t want to be alone. It was a nice distraction. For a brief moment, i forgot my pain. 

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I hate when i first wake up. It’s like a panic and reminder that I’m alone. I’m also dealing with the fact that i woke up the morning he died to him being unresponsive. I relive that a lot . Any tips or suggestions? 

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Azipod, your point about not being afraid to try something is a good one, one many of us have experienced...as you said, what have we got to lose?  We've already lost it all!

Lisa, that is something many of us are haunted with, those last moments of their life or finding them dead.  I was haunted by those images for years and it's finally lessened although I haven't forgotten it, it no longer consumes me and beats me with those images.  One thing I've heard people try is this, often with a therapist to help you through it.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html

http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html

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19 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I did go out today to the barn while my friend groomed her horse. My kids were out and i didn’t want to be alone. It was a nice distraction. For a brief moment, i forgot my pain. 

I know.  With time, we're able to put more concentration on what we do so that our mind isn't simmering in the grief.   With practice, we can get distracted for longer periods of time.  Still, for me, I know my "baseline" status is always back to the grief.  So no matter how much I try to be happy, or get into a good moment, in time, the "rubber bands" will pull me back to my baseline -- that is when I feel sadness, sorrow, and despair.

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10 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know.  With time, we're able to put more concentration on what we do so that our mind isn't simmering in the grief.   With practice, we can get distracted for longer periods of time.  Still, for me, I know my "baseline" status is always back to the grief.  So no matter how much I try to be happy, or get into a good moment, in time, the "rubber bands" will pull me back to my baseline -- that is when I feel sadness, sorrow, and despair.

It has not even been 2 months for me; I am back at work and back to having that hole in my chest--that feeling of panic and emptiness again. Such sorrow and despair. it still seems like something that needs to be cleared up--a horrible mistake. I can feel tears standing in my eyes, behind my eyes. I tend to not look at people. There are some people that won't even talk to me, like I am a pariah. I feel such incredible guilt for not being able to save my husband, not get him to the doctor, not save him with CPR, I feel like people think, what a horrible person she is. And I feel that, when I have any awareness of myself. I feel like I go through the days like an automaton. Is this the rest of my life? 

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If people are avoiding you it's not because you couldn't save your husband, it's because they don't know what to say and they're uncomfortable with death itself, it makes them think if it could happen to you it could happen to them and that makes them scared, they want to fix it but they know they can't.  It is nothing you did or didn't do!

No it's not the rest of your life, eventually we adjust to the changes it means for us in our lives, as unthinkable as that seems right now.  We never like it, but we do get more used to it.  And with time and lots of work, we build a life for ourselves we can live and find purpose again.  It's hard, but it can be done, I've done it.  And in the beginning I just wanted to die, I didn't think it possible I could live without George, I couldn't imagine surviving this.

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9 minutes ago, KayC said:

If people are avoiding you it's not because you couldn't save your husband, it's because they don't know what to say and they're uncomfortable with death itself, it makes them think if it could happen to you it could happen to them and that makes them scared, they want to fix it but they know they can't.  It is nothing you did or didn't do!

No it's not the rest of your life, eventually we adjust to the changes it means for us in our lives, as unthinkable as that seems right now.  We never like it, but we do get more used to it.  And with time and lots of work, we build a life for ourselves we can live and find purpose again.  It's hard, but it can be done, I've done it.  And in the beginning I just wanted to die, I didn't think it possible I could live without George, I couldn't imagine surviving this.

Thank you.

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2nd week with my grief group was much better than the first. We all brought a photo of our loved one. Then we passed the pictures around the group and shared some happy thoughts, stories etc. way less tears this week and more smiles and a few laughs. 

I almost didn’t go back because last week was so emotional but I’m glad a gave it another chance. 

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I'm glad you gave it a chance.  The first time for everything is harder.  Our grief group is close and it's been very helpful having each other.

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14 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

2nd week with my grief group was much better than the first. We all brought a photo of our loved one. Then we passed the pictures around the group and shared some happy thoughts, stories etc. way less tears this week and more smiles and a few laughs. 

I almost didn’t go back because last week was so emotional but I’m glad a gave it another chance. 

I'm so glad you made the decision to go back.  As you go through the weeks in this group, you will see a shift in states between you and others in the group. Sometimes you will be doing better, while another will be doing worst.  And then it can shift in the following weeks.  Everyone has their ups and downs.   Your decision to go back was great.  Sometimes processing grief takes you through some more difficult periods, but the benefits come after the pain.  It's a part of processing and facing our grief.

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On 1/16/2018 at 7:58 AM, KayC said:

No it's not the rest of your life, eventually we adjust to the changes it means for us in our lives, as unthinkable as that seems right now.  We never like it, but we do get more used to it.  And with time and lots of work, we build a life for ourselves we can live and find purpose again.  It's hard, but it can be done, I've done it.  And in the beginning I just wanted to die, I didn't think it possible I could live without George, I couldn't imagine surviving this.

This makes sense.   I know I can live, and be able to survive without my wife.  I know that.  My problem is that I just don't want to.  I don't want to have a life without her.

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On 1/15/2018 at 11:28 AM, Michelene said:

It has not even been 2 months for me; I am back at work and back to having that hole in my chest--that feeling of panic and emptiness again. Such sorrow and despair. it still seems like something that needs to be cleared up--a horrible mistake. I can feel tears standing in my eyes, behind my eyes. I tend to not look at people. There are some people that won't even talk to me, like I am a pariah. I feel such incredible guilt for not being able to save my husband, not get him to the doctor, not save him with CPR, I feel like people think, what a horrible person she is. And I feel that, when I have any awareness of myself. I feel like I go through the days like an automaton. Is this the rest of my life? 

Yes, it will be like this for the short-term.  You will be on automatic mode for a few months I suppose.   After that, you will slowly get gripes back on certain aspects of your life and slowly, you will get more.  Things do change.  But it's not better, it's just different.   In some ways, I'm still on automation too, but it's not like the fashion in which you are describing for yourself.  It's less automated but my body still does make some decision for me, automatically.    Most people in this world (including myself before) don't know how to deal with death.  It's a taboo subject.  So I believe that for the most part, the people that don't talk to you doesn't neccessarily dislike you, they just don't know what to say.  That's true for at least 50% of the folks we run into out there.   They fear that they will say something wrong, bring up memories, or stir up pain --- but we all know that you're already in pain already!!!

Going back to work is a huge step.  Congrats on that!   Having structure, responsibility, and trying to at least take some attention off your grief so that you can get back to a normal life is good ... and anything u can do that helps u get towards that direction is great...   Be kind to yourself.  Take good breaks.  Go outside.  Feel the air.   Cry.   It's all OK.   It's not going to eliminate the pain, but doing these activities will help you shift your body from the grief so as to not let it consume you.

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