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Grieving my future


Lisaislost

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Grief group update- reading my letters was the hardest thing I’ve done in the group. I could barely get through it. But there is something about saying those things out loud. I addressed my regret with things unsaid or not completed. I think i struggle with this the most but when i wrote to myself from my husband, he accepted it and knew i loved him regardless of things we did or said that weren’t always nice. When i wrote it, i knew exactly what he would say and i think that’s the point. The grief group facilitator said she felt a lot of forgiveness i in my letters. I didn’t realize as i was writing it. 

Now to believe it! 

Next week is our last week. We have to bring a special momento to represent our spouse. 

 

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Lisa,

Three weeks before my husband died, he confessed to me he'd been doing Meth.  His boss got him onto it, in a way to get more work out of him.  George was a hard worker, skilled, everyone said he was the best in his field, they didn't need to push him.  They broke the law in his physical requirements, they broke the law getting him to use.  It hurt us financially, and with every hit was another lie for me to try to get through.  There's no way to put into words all that we worked through in that short time...at the very same time I learned my daughter had been raped when she was four years old, and I was researching counselors for her, AND my hard drive failed at work and half the back ups would not restore so I was having to reenter everything for the entire prior year (year end 6/30) so it was overwhelming.  George was doing everything he could to get back on track.  He'd quit using, he was seeing a counselor, was set to go into inpatient treatment if outpatient didn't work out.  I knew his determination and I also knew everything he'd overcome in his life and that he would overcome this too.  But I still had to get through all of the lies, the theft of our household as that and his hospital bills left us with $72,000 debt (he wasn't the kind to rob people to pay for his addiction).  I'd researched everything thoroughly, going without sleep to do so and then working my tail off at work to get our data bases re-created and information reentered.  Then he died.  Just like that, I never expected it.  To say it blindsided me is an understatement.  (The heart surgeon did say the meth had no bearing on his heart condition)  Our income cut in half.  No one to walk through this with me.  Alone, cut adrift.  He was the love of my life, and for whatever stupid mistake he made, I knew he meant well, he was worried about losing his job and my medical insurance.  Health be damned with my health insurance!  I wanted HIM back!!  Then I lost my job.  Ha!  Never say it can't get worse!

But you know what?  I'm still here.  I have a roof over my head and heat in the house.  I haven't gone without a meal although I reckon I could stand to.  I've somehow gotten used to being on my own, like it or not.  And I know our love is still true, I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me more than anything and I him.

But it took some processing, some time to figure this all out.  I wrestled with everything he'd put me through in those last three weeks.  I finally realized...to take the WHOLE of the man, not just the part.  True he wasn't perfect, but he WAS PERFECT FOR ME!  I believe with all my heart we would have made our way through this.  My sister asked me, after he died, if I regretted telling him some of the things I did (that I wouldn't go live under a bridge with him, that if he continued to use, he'd be out of here, that I'd protect myself from his draining the swamp).  I told her, No, I don't regret telling him those things, he needed to hear them and he always counted on me telling him the truth.  He always knew where I was coming from and he always knew that no matter the hard thing I told him it came from a place of pure love.  I always wanted the best for him.  That is how we were with each other, we brought out the best in each other, had faith in each other.  It was a good core.  (And George, I probably would go live under a bridge with you.)

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12 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Grief group update- reading my letters was the hardest thing I’ve done in the group. I could barely get through it. But there is something about saying those things out loud. I addressed my regret with things unsaid or not completed. I think i struggle with this the most but when i wrote to myself from my husband, he accepted it and knew i loved him regardless of things we did or said that weren’t always nice. When i wrote it, i knew exactly what he would say and i think that’s the point. The grief group facilitator said she felt a lot of forgiveness i in my letters. I didn’t realize as i was writing it. 

Now to believe it! 

Next week is our last week. We have to bring a special momento to represent our spouse. 

@Lisaislost that sounds healing even though it had to be horrifically awful to read to a group!  The group I'm in we have to start each week with a story and it seems no one is focused.  Well lets say I'm not focused.  When you can will you share the assignment.  I remember the first was :  Write letter to grief.  "What would I say to grief and what would I want grief to say back to me"   then I believe there was a 2nd one.????   How many at in your group?  Did you pay for this?  Insurance?   Thanks!!

 

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@KayC  Major challenges and the overwhelming loss of your loved one. You survived and you are with us!!!!! You give us hope through these dark moments! Thank You!

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@Sunflower2- its an 8 week group run through a local care dimensions. Not sure if it’s local to New England or not. The cost is free. However, they accept donations. 

The first assignment was to bring in a photo of our loved one and talk about them. Introduce them to the group. 

The following week we had to bring a list of previous losses. The age we suffered, our relationship and how we coped. They say grieving can bring up past losses. This was very emotional too!!

Then we had to make a collage that signifies our life/ feelings. I think i posted it earlier. 

Next was our letter to grief

then our letter to our spouse and a letter with their response. 

On our final week we are to bring a special momento from our partner and share it’s significance with the group. 

Im going to miss the group but we all talked about getting together at a local Panera at the same time to keep it going. There are 10 of us. I’ve shared so many things with the group in such a safe environment. 

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23 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

its an 8 week group run through a local care dimensions. Not sure if it’s local to New England or not. The cost is free. However, they accept donations. 

The first assignment was to bring in a photo of our loved one and talk about them. Introduce them to the group. 

The following week we had to bring a list of previous losses. The age we suffered, our relationship and how we coped. They say grieving can bring up past losses. This was very emotional too!!

Then we had to make a collage that signifies our life/ feelings. I think i posted it earlier. 

Next was our letter to grief

then our letter to our spouse and a letter with their response. 

On our final week we are to bring a special momento from our partner and share it’s significance with the group. 

Im going to miss the group but we all talked about getting together at a local Panera at the same time to keep it going. There are 10 of us. I’ve shared so many things with the group in such a safe environment. 

Thank you for organizing this and sharing on this forum. I had your notes on post its and it was getting overwhelming.  The support group I'm in doesn't have this setup. It is an 8 week program.  I'm going to follow through with it because it is comfortable being with a group of people who are experiencing the same pain.  even with different stories the pain is equal. I do work with a therapist and for now these activities can be done and shared with her. An option always to consider.   :)  I'm hearing and have heard many groups maintain the contact  you mentioned. This was also brought up by our facilitator of our as a possibility to explore when the 8 weeks are completed.  I read in Megan Devine's book that there is "companionship in grieve."  This is what support groups can offer.  You seem to hit the right fit on your first attempt. HUGS

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thank you! It’s a nice group of people. I’ve got great friends and family but they just don’t understand no matter how much they want to. 

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13 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

thank you! It’s a nice group of people. I’ve got great friends and family but they just don’t understand no matter how much they want to. 

understand!!!!!   

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My grief group is close.  We aren't meeting through the winter because the snow/wind conditions make it hard to get out or plan anything, but we do spur of the moment get-togethers when the weather permits.  I have seen such growth in all of them, and a bonus is the closeness we've all forged.

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4 minutes ago, KayC said:

 

But it took some processing, some time to figure this all out.  I wrestled with everything he'd put me through in those last three weeks.  I finally realized...to take the WHOLE of the man, not just the part.  True he wasn't perfect, but he WAS PERFECT FOR ME

@KayC as you know from my opening post, we were struggling too! Not with substance abuse but with distance and mistrust. Our stories are similar that way. In the letter i wrote to him, i said “ I’m not perfect and neither are you but we are perfect together “ 

im sure you felt as i do now, ripped off. We both reaffirmed our love and were planning a second honeymoon. Now it’s gone. 

One thing i find comfort in is that i know if he were here, we would be happy and in love. I know we would be together forever. Those were the words we spoke just days before he died. 

I’m  trying to look at the whole man, as you said. And our whole marriage. Not just the bumps in the road. It’s easy to remember the hard times but there were so many great times. That’s what i want to remember! 

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I shared that because I knew you'd relate, it is similar experience, just different issues.  We hadn't had time to work through everything, three weeks was too short for such huge issues, but we were off to a good start and knowing him and how he deals with things, I knew we'd make it, the road wouldn't have been easy, but we'd get through it.  It's funny that you said the same thing that I'd concluded also, that he wasn't perfect (neither of us were/are), but he was perfect for me, and I for him.  I think I was sometimes too hard on him, God he was practically a saint compared to me, so easy to be around and live with, but he understood me and never felt there was anything to forgive.  Our relationship was amazing.  It took me over a year, maybe a lot more than that, to process what he'd done (drugs) and face and deal with the lies he'd told me as a result...it was hard because he wasn't here to help me through it and it took time for me to figure things out, and each time I realized yet another lie, I had to deal with that too, but I finally got through it and let it all go.  I'm glad I did, a lot of people would stay in bitterness and unforgiveness and not progress past it.  It allowed our relationship to heal even post mortem.

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On 1/24/2018 at 10:34 AM, KayC said:

@bea  I'm glad you're back.  There IS no making sense of this.  There is only trying to absorb this, process it, and learning to do our life now and that takes time, much time and effort.  I've found that the grief work we put in...reading articles and books, going to a grief counselor, grief support group, grief forum, journaling, writing letters to our spouse, I even did art therapy, all of it helps.  Everyone has different coping abilities, different personalities, that comes in to play, so does our own personal resilience, but much of this is a struggle and as there's no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone, we have to work on finding our own path through this that works for us.  The timeline is different for all of us, don't let anyone pressure you, it takes what it takes.  It's not a year, it's not two years, it's the rest of our lives, but don't let that scare you, it doesn't stay the same, the intensity and pain lessens some as our grief evolves.  You will make your way through this.  (((hugs)))

hello again, sorry for the delay, we got his autopsy report yesterday and It tears me up inside allover again...I just dont know where he went, if I will ever see him, hold him, love him like I used to and its hurts to no end. I need him back!!! cause of death..surgery

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I'm sorry.  That hits you hard, knowing the surgery caused his death.  Did they do something wrong that caused it or was he just unable to survive it?  I'm sorry, it may be too hard for you to talk about, if so, please forgive me.

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18 hours ago, bea said:

just dont know where he went, if I will ever see him, hold him, love him like I used to and its hurts to no end.

I truly believe with all my heart that while their body gives out, their spirit lives on.  They say we're energy and energy doesn't die, it merely changes form, so what we call "death" is merely a passage into something else, and that yes it's possible they hear us and sometimes can even give us signs.  I don't know much about that except that I have experienced it.  There have been threads here that talked about it.

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Does anyone really have everything finished as a couple ???  Complicated thought.  We didn't but were beginning a new chapter into moving into a more conventional lifestyle.  I'm not making sense.  Tired.  Today was one of those days where I went into "I just want you.  Not interested in social anything . How am I going to enjoy life without you"  days."  Tomorrow will be lighter.  Feelings and thoughts we all feel....those grief attacks  :(

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I had a dream last night where i was begging him to come back to me. I told him i couldn’t take the pain and my heart was broken. He said we had a true love.

He looked good, healthy and strong and then my alarm went off ! I wanted the dream to last longer but it seemed so real. 

Sent me into a sad day as well . 

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If only there was a way to enjoy the nighttime visits in dreams without the letdown when you wake up to their being gone again.

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having a hard time today! Last time the clocks changed my husband was here to do it, it was his last day with me. I looked at the big battery operated clock above my kitchen cabinets and started to cry. I hate weekends. Here’s to Monday and another week at work, 

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We were married on sweetest day, it was also the weekend you set your clocks back...everyone teased us about getting married then to have an extra hour on our honeymoon.  Of course that's just how it worked out, not that we planned it that way.  But after George died, they changed when they set their clocks to a later date.  Almost like they changed it because it was no longer applicable to us.

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Interesting!!!!  I cant believe how this time change totally triggered the loss!!!!!  Now I'm reading these shared experiences.  I even started the morning by starting on the wrong foot!  I went in that zone of being stuck, I'm never going to make it to the other side, I want to run from this or attack this grief "monster," I can't fix this .  It was endless suffering thoughts.

I did reach out.  Made a couple calls.  Focused on what I had to do and reinvented my day.  Took a hot bubble bath. I'm going to read until my support group meets later.  I was judging myself because I was stuck and I couldn't fix myself or my life.  I want me back!!!  I want my life back!!! I want Wayne back!!!!! There isn't one person here that doesn't understand this.  That gives me hope.   I was angry at Wayne, me and everyone else who was continuing with their life as they do simply because they can!!!  They haven't  experienced a loss of this magnitude  Why should they not continue.  I'd be continuing my life as usual if I wasn't in the middle of a major life changing encounter with grief.  Grief is like this alien that came from another planet.  That's how I see it at this moment.  It is so foreign.  So unknown from minute to minute.  The "grief alien" from outer space who have occupied our souls, broken our hearts and are making us travel an unknown journey of confusion, fear, regrets, anger, loss, pain, hopelessness....kind of sounds like traveling through Hell.

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I know a family who has lost four children and the grandma (father's mother) and as if that wasn't enough, the grandpa (father's dad) commit suicide.  He found him, gunshot to the head, blood everywhere.  They have two children left to care for, the older one is having a very hard time with all this death and loss, questions no one can answer.  The father is withdrawn and angry, has quit therapy and the mother feels to blame for everything that's happened, even though she's not to blame.  I don't know why I'm telling you this except sometimes death knocks with its invisible face and we have no one to blame for it, no one whose chest we can beat on, no one we can demand an answer from...yet we're left grappling with all of the fallout it brings.  It's impossible to understand and oh so hard to reckon with or adjust to.

I think your idea of taking a bubble bath and reading was a great one.  We need to be so understanding of ourselves, so gentle and loving, we need that self-care and I'm glad you are doing that.  You're right, we'd be continuing our lives as usual...if only we could.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

I know a family who has lost four children and the grandma (father's mother) and as if that wasn't enough, the grandpa (father's dad) commit suicide.  He found him, gunshot to the head, blood everywhere.  They have two children left to care for, the older one is having a very hard time with all this death and loss, questions no one can answer.  The father is withdrawn and angry, has quit therapy and the mother feels to blame for everything that's happened, even though she's not to blame.  I don't know why I'm telling you this except sometimes death knocks with its invisible face and we have no one to blame for it, no one whose chest we can beat on, no one we can demand an answer from...yet we're left grappling with all of the fallout it brings.  It's impossible to understand and oh so hard to reckon with or adjust to.

I think your idea of taking a bubble bath and reading was a great one.  We need to be so understanding of ourselves, so gentle and loving, we need that self-care and I'm glad you are doing that.  You're right, we'd be continuing our lives as usual...if only we could.

bubble baths have been ongoing therapy since Wayne's death.  Initially I was doing twice a day.    Dr. Teal puts out salt soaks with essential oils that you can pair up with the bath soap/bubbles!  Its reasonable too!!!!!!!    :)

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And all of these essential oils everyone is selling/buying.  A friend sent me magnesium flakes to mix with water and spray on my injured lower back.  It's convenient and helpful.  Lavender is supposed to be calming, I just wish I didn't dislike the smell.  It reminds me of old ladies and mothballs. Gee, I guess I AM an old lady now!

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

And all of these essential oils everyone is selling/buying.  A friend sent me magnesium flakes to mix with water and spray on my injured lower back.  It's convenient and helpful.  Lavender is supposed to be calming, I just wish I didn't dislike the smell.  It reminds me of old ladies and mothballs. Gee, I guess I AM an old lady now!

I'm heavily into essential oils. Diffusers too.  Play around with them if you have access to a store that carries them.  They can get costly but you can comfortably work it with 4 basic essentials.  Magnesium helps tone down the anxiety and helps with sleep.  Again I work with a doctor on that.  It isn't any magnesium.  I do have one suggestion a friend shared.  It is reasonably priced and can be purchased from Amazon.  I use the spray in combination of everything else I use but it helps.  Yes it is a magnesium spray :) 

Back to grief:  At our last grief support meeting the facilitator announced that at our last meeting we will bring a picture of our loved one and share a story.  Every time I think of this I cry.  I'm feeling it is announcing the loss and I'm not ready.  It is so painful.  Yes I can pass.  I won't pass even if I can only sit and cry or simply say "I Miss Him!!!"  

Daylight Savings time affected me more than the holidays.  Not as much as anniversaries or birthdays.  Those so far have been wicked, gut wrenching encounters.  I'm feeling by staying up I can put things in "order."  Meaning I can put my life back in "order."  Meaning I can bring normalcy back into my life with the season changes right around the corner. We know this isn't going to happen.  This is a strange new grief encounter.  so sleep pattern is off this week.

Our last meeting was on anger.  More pain but pain with understanding.  Waking up this morning I realized it is time to begin to forgive myself. That is LOVE! It is simply awareness.  I'm sure the awareness will begin to turn into healing.  It will take time.  Forgiveness is only one aspect of moving through grief.  I cant even put into words how complicated that is for all of us.  So much is on our plates.  So so much with emotions, with responsibilities with self care. Yet we keep breathing.  We keep moving forward by an inch...maybe 1/2 inch or maybe for that day we just curl up and detach.  

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The magnesium spray seems to be working, my back has greatly improved since I started using it.
We took a break from our grief support group for the winter (I live in the mountains, lots of snow/ice)...can't wait to resume our meetings!
It sounds like you have a good group, it's helping.  Yes, so much emotion...

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My group ended last night and it was truly bittersweet. We had some laughs and many tears. We are going to continue to meet on our own outside of the facility. 

I learned a lot about myself and the grief process. We are all at different phases of our journey but we are all dealing with the same emotional struggles. 

This has been a tough week for me. Snowstorms mean no work so I’ve been home with my thoughts. Not a good place to be. 

My daughters and I love watching Korean Dramas on Netflix. They’re different and have no triggers. The other thing i like is that i have to read the subtitles and watch the characters so my mind can’t wander like it does with other tv shows. Just a thought. 

Still wake up everyday saying WTF! 

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2 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

My group ended last night and it was truly bittersweet. We had some laughs and many tears. We are going to continue to meet on our own outside of the facility. 

I learned a lot about myself and the grief process. We are all at different phases of our journey but we are all dealing with the same emotional struggles. 

This has been a tough week for me. Snowstorms mean no work so I’ve been home with my thoughts. Not a good place to be. 

My daughters and I love watching Korean Dramas on Netflix. They’re different and have no triggers. The other thing i like is that i have to read the subtitles and watch the characters so my mind can’t wander like it does with other tv shows. Just a thought. 

Still wake up everyday saying WTF! 

There are many benefits in being part of a support group and it IS amazing what we learn by sharing grief with those who understand.  I'm beginning to feel a joy in these connections. Thank you for your shares.  You unknowingly guided me gently into this direction to reach out!!!!!  Our group is moving and blending well. 

Subtitles  LOL  I'm using them and they do keep me focused!!!!!  There is something about those subtitles....:)

 

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22 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

There are many benefits in being part of a support group and it IS amazing what we learn by sharing grief with those who understand.  I'm beginning to feel a joy in these connections. Thank you for your shares.  You unknowingly guided me gently into this direction to reach out!!!!!  Our group is moving and blending well. 

Subtitles  LOL  I'm using them and they do keep me focused!!!!!  There is something about those subtitles....:)

 

 

I’m glad it’s working out for you. I’ve always been a very private person but in my group I’ve never been more open. Sometimes i think my husband is guiding me. He was the outgoing one who loved to over share. 
 

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We're starting our group back up within the month, waiting for them to stop predicting snow!

I never thought about it before, but you're right, with subtitles it grabs our attention more deeply, we HAVE to pay attention!;)

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10 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

 

I’m glad it’s working out for you. I’ve always been a very private person but in my group I’ve never been more open. Sometimes i think my husband is guiding me. He was the outgoing one who loved to over share. 
 

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I'm very private so this is difficult. I guess the burst of energy to share is my determination to begin to heal.  Interesting perspective you shared! I never  thought of him guiding me with that gentle push...he too would overshare.

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Is it normal for triggers to appear later?  I use to be able to go to church after my husband died . We had his service there. But we also were together there in his last day. Now when i pull up to the church i have a panic attack. I’m not sure if i was in shock before so i was going through the motions but now sitting here Saturday night, the thought of going to church is causing me anxiety. Last week i skipped and read scripture at home. The week before i went to my sister’s church. 

Part of me feels guilty but the other part knows that my husband would understand and tell me to do what feels right.

Has anyone else experienced delayed reactions to things that you thought you could and did  handle? 

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I didn't have a delayed trigger but I remember it was very hard to go to our church after he died.  I persevered and got past it.  I found that sitting in a different spot helped.  I'm on the praise team, up on the platform, and it was hard looking out on the congregation and not seeing his smiling face.  :(

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I'm realizing triggers occur and reoccur.  Old triggers. New triggers.  Places where I practice yoga are comforting yet next week that place may not be. Places I walked initially were great now I'm swapping them out for other places.  I guess its all about finding our new places in this new normal.   Its a whirlwind.  I never find myself in one stage at any given moment.  Everything is intertwined.  Everything  happens simultaneously.  I have a strong support system but I still feel I'm alone.  Feeling alone is another grief prong and to me these prongs can happen in sets of twins, triplets etc.  I'm finding my description of the grief monster and comparing grief to the body snatchers is working in explaining my pain.  The invasion of this alien I'm trying to become friends with.  People who haven't experienced this loss seem to understand with this visual.  Understanding that anger and rage are two different emotions was helpful in some ways.  Intellectually getting it and understanding the feeling and differences was an awakening.  Attaching intolerance and frustration to anger brought more new understandings and feelings.  Regardless of new understandings when this grief monster attacks it is beyond overwhelming, 

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On 3/17/2018 at 6:32 PM, Lisaislost said:

Is it normal for triggers to appear later?  I use to be able to go to church after my husband died . We had his service there. But we also were together there in his last day. Now when i pull up to the church i have a panic attack. I’m not sure if i was in shock before so i was going through the motions but now sitting here Saturday night, the thought of going to church is causing me anxiety. Last week i skipped and read scripture at home. The week before i went to my sister’s church. 

Part of me feels guilty but the other part knows that my husband would understand and tell me to do what feels right.

Has anyone else experienced delayed reactions to things that you thought you could and did  handle? 

I was in the grocery store recently and just lost it--had a panic attack, couldn't remember my card number; it was all I could do to hold it together. 

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I remember about a year after George died, having my car worked on, and they had a van they'd take us back to work on, and I was riding on it, and all of a sudden it occurred to me that George had been on this very same van when he'd taken the car in to be worked on, and I started crying.  People on the van got real quiet, it was embarrassing.  Yes, triggers come out of nowhere at any given moment.

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On ‎3‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 8:32 PM, Lisaislost said:

Has anyone else experienced delayed reactions to things that you thought you could and did  handle? 

I'm having trouble going back to our dentist office.  My husband was in the middle of some extensive dental work.  We'd both been going there for years.  I can't seem to get in the door there.  I made an appointment with a new dentist to have my teeth cleaned and new x-rays.  And even tho he and the hygienist were great, I miss our old dentist.  In 6 months I'm going to try to go back to her.

Isn't this the weirdest place for a trigger to hit?

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On 3/20/2018 at 7:35 PM, June said:

I'm having trouble going back to our dentist office.  My husband was in the middle of some extensive dental work.  We'd both been going there for years.  I can't seem to get in the door there.  I made an appointment with a new dentist to have my teeth cleaned and new x-rays.  And even tho he and the hygienist were great, I miss our old dentist.  In 6 months I'm going to try to go back to her.

Isn't this the weirdest place for a trigger to hit?

June,

My husband LOVED the dentist. The staff actually showed up at his memorial service. They all went back a long way together. it was so hard for me to go back, because we always got our appointments together, and this time it was just me. They just talked and talked about him, but it was a day when I just wanted to not think...I stared at the posters they have on the ceiling. It just made it all come back. This is one of those cases where people say oh you're so strong, but it was easier--easier to just go to the same dentist than just call around and find a new one. Just like an old mule, trodding the same path, but this time in the harness alone...

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Mine hit at the eyedoctor.  We'd gone to the eyedoctor before George died so he could get some new glasses.  He looked so handsome in them!  I remember teasing him that he could only wear them around me.  After he died I had to make an appt for the end of the month for myself as my insurance was ending as it was through his job...it was hugely hard to go there!  Esp since he died before his glasses came...and I had to tell everyone about him dying.  Hard, very hard.

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11 hours ago, June said:

I'm having trouble going back to our dentist office.  My husband was in the middle of some extensive dental work.  We'd both been going there for years.  I can't seem to get in the door there.  I made an appointment with a new dentist to have my teeth cleaned and new x-rays.  And even tho he and the hygienist were great, I miss our old dentist.  In 6 months I'm going to try to go back to her.

Isn't this the weirdest place for a trigger to hit?

I'm calling them my hot spots.  Exactly as you described.  Can be anyplace!  I've actually switched and swapped a lot of places we shared.  At least for now. 

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We were seeing so many different doctors - dentists, dermatologist, neurologist, gastro, research study - that I mailed one of the funeral obit folders to each office so they wouldn't call to schedule a new appointment or follow up on something.  

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i guess i have to ride out the waves. Yesterday i was so low, i felt like i couldn’t breathe and i was in a constant panic attack. Today, the feeling is gone. I’m not sure what causes these days. I went to bed last night hoping today i would wake up in a better place. I’m thankful i survived yet another wave and i will appreciate what is given to me today. 

I am also feeling lonely. Not with my side but his. Prayed yesterday for someone to reach out and my pastor texted. Noticed i hadn’t been there and wanted to visit me. He totally understands my anxiety with church as he lost his wife 8 months ago.no judgement, just wants to check in. 

One day at a time!

praying you all can find something to laugh or smile about today!

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June, that was a good idea, one that hadn't occurred to me, I didn't have such clarity of mind to foresee what could happen at that point.  I hated the phone calls a year or so later asking to speak to him from someone soliciting money or something.   

Lisa, I'm glad your pastor understands although I'm sorry he's also going through this...we wouldn't wish it on anyone.  What comes to mind is this verse...
(God) who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (2 Cor. 1:4)

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@KayC it’s amazing that you said that. My brother in law sent me this yesterday when i told him i was sad. 

Dear Lisa,  

.I always say  a person grief is their on depth of how much you cared and loved .you cared deeply and that is a wonderful gift . To share a piece of life together with someone who loved you back . So I have a thought for your purpose and direction. You are a third place person when you put God first, others second  and you third. So go to God in prayer and then do something for someone and you will be fulfilled. Thomas did this all the time. He was a third position person. God family and others and then himself. Today your task if you choose to accept the mission is to start your day with God in prayer. Then go do something for someone else and tell Thomas that it was for him and you.  love you

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20 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

@KayC it’s amazing that you said that. My brother in law sent me this yesterday when i told him i was sad. 

Dear Lisa,  

.I always say  a person grief is their on depth of how much you cared and loved .you cared deeply and that is a wonderful gift . To share a piece of life together with someone who loved you back . So I have a thought for your purpose and direction. You are a third place person when you put God first, others second  and you third. So go to God in prayer and then do something for someone and you will be fulfilled. Thomas did this all the time. He was a third position person. God family and others and then himself. Today your task if you choose to accept the mission is to start your day with God in prayer. Then go do something for someone else and tell Thomas that it was for him and you.  love you

@Lisaislost  starting a letter to Wayne each morning and to God provides some balance.  There are those days though where a total curl up is needed. I focus on bringing in one sliver of joy and love each morning which often branches out to numerous slivers.  One act of kindness ....  It can be a smile to a stranger.  Serenity prayer.  I swap things in and out as it works for the moment.  The letter writing is consistent.  Yes @KayC beginning to do your last suggestion.  Acknowledging that I'm extending Wayne's unconditional love to others through me.  As you said From Wayne and me   :)

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When we are in early grief, it is so consuming that all we can see is our pain.  God understands that.  The "mission" as referred to, we are more able to do later after our clarity has resumed a bit and we've had time to learn through our own journey.  When you are curled up in a fetal position in extreme inner pain, it's pretty hard to minister to someone else.  But know that little by little we begin to adjust and make our way through this and there will be opportunities to use what we've learned and gleaned from this journey to help someone else going through it.

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I know i sound like a broken record but i hate weekends. I wish i could climb out of my body and run away. I know this is my journey but I’m ready to get off my ride. 

I love looking at the signs of spring but then i say, what’s the difference, my husband is still gone. 

Ok, pity party over! Prayers to all 

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At least it's not shoveling snow!  Pretty much anything beats that!  :D

14 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I love looking at the signs of spring but then i say, what’s the difference, my husband is still gone. 

On 3/23/2018 at 9:01 AM, KayC said:

When we are in early grief, it is so consuming that all we can see is our pain.

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You are right Kay. 

And im hoping i can start walking again once the snow melts. Hoping that will lift my spirits too!

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