Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Lisaislost

Grieving my future

Recommended Posts

Yes, they are my rocks. It’s weird bc i have 2 sisters but for some reason, i feel closer to my husband when i reach out to them. Also, i know my husband would tell me to call on them bc of their faith. They have been incredibly helpful. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband came from an extremely dysfunctional family.  He continued learning throughout his life, they did not.  They have not been in my life since he died.  I know that would have disappointed him but I hardly think he could be surprised by it.  They were never there for him either.

I'm very glad you have your in-laws and I'm sure your relationship will continue, especially as you make effort to and let them know how important it is to you.  My husband's brothers are doing "life" on the installment plan (as he calls it...in and out of jail) and I am likely better off not being around them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My feelings of the New Year are very bittersweet. In one way , i can’t wait to put 2017 behind me. However, 2018 is a year that won’t include my husband. I spent a lot of time grieving my future and wondering what it holds for me. But i get really sad when i think that my husband only lived to 54. He never got his future that we planned. Spending the evening eating Chinese food and watching the 3 Stooges with my kids and my brother. Tomorrow will be another day to get through. I wish  you all a peaceful start to the new year. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband barely made it to 51, so I understand your feelings.  He never got to retire, he never even gave it much thought, he was too busy living!  Now I'm retired without him.

It does feel like we enter a new year without them, but the good thing is we realize they do come with us, they are still there in spirit form.  I wish for you peace...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/31/2017 at 2:57 PM, Lisaislost said:

My feelings of the New Year are very bittersweet. In one way , i can’t wait to put 2017 behind me. However, 2018 is a year that won’t include my husband. I spent a lot of time grieving my future and wondering what it holds for me. But i get really sad when i think that my husband only lived to 54. He never got his future that we planned. Spending the evening eating Chinese food and watching the 3 Stooges with my kids and my brother. Tomorrow will be another day to get through. I wish  you all a peaceful start to the new year. 

I just realized that for me, starting a new year doesn't seem to be as easy as I thought it would be.   A new year, for most, is seen as a new beginning.  New motivation, new goals, new adventures.   Sounds great and all .... except that then I quickly realize that it's a new time to begin another phase of life... without my wife.   2018 didn't welcome me with open arms that's for sure.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/1/2018 at 5:45 AM, KayC said:

My husband barely made it to 51, so I understand your feelings.  He never got to retire, he never even gave it much thought, he was too busy living!  Now I'm retired without him.

It does feel like we enter a new year without them, but the good thing is we realize they do come with us, they are still there in spirit form.  I wish for you peace...

My husband died from complications from a heart attack so i have sorrow that he was only one year away from retirement (I have 4 more to go). all the plans we made...such sorrow I have for him, although more for me. I have such guilt--I feel like I should have taken better care of him than i did, i keep going back to all the things I should have done, if i had only done this, I can't seem to remember the kindness and love and joy I had in our marriage, I can only seem to remember times I was unkind. My group counselor says that guilt is sometimes easier to bear than loss or sorrow. Maybe. I don't know how people do this. I go out to do errands and such and when people talk to me I am surprised, i feel like I don't exist. I can't foresee a life like this without him. I try to think and be grateful for the gift of life, and the gift of love, and be grateful that he is not going through this pain, but it still seems so so wrong and unfair. I'm still early enough (11/27/17) that i feel like this has been a horrible mistake, and needs to get straightened out. Magical thinking, I know. I miss him so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We had our share of bad moments. Everyone does. I started writing a journal and i have actually gone back and reread from a month ago.i looked at old pictures from a photo album and wrote about those days. It helps remind me that we did have great times together. I agree, my counselor said the same thing. When I’m mad or guilty, it doesn’t hurt as much. Like a protective shield. Keep the faith! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

We had our share of bad moments. Everyone does. I started writing a journal and i have actually gone back and reread from a month ago.i looked at old pictures from a photo album and wrote about those days. It helps remind me that we did have great times together. I agree, my counselor said the same thing. When I’m mad or guilty, it doesn’t hurt as much. Like a protective shield. Keep the faith! 

It never dawn on me but it does make sense.  I do feel that if I am upset or have the "I  don't care" attitude, it basically brings that forward and puts the pain in the background.  It's just one of the many complex things about grief.   6-months for me now.  Can't believe how upsetting and painful this is....  that's just with the energy to make it through each day.  That doesn't even come with the more heavy thoughts about what I've missed and lost.  In other words, it's so painful just to feel the surface of the grief.   When I dig deep down, that's when it will consume me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Michelene said:

My husband died from complications from a heart attack so i have sorrow that he was only one year away from retirement (I have 4 more to go). all the plans we made...such sorrow I have for him, although more for me. I have such guilt--I feel like I should have taken better care of him than i did, i keep going back to all the things I should have done, if i had only done this, I can't seem to remember the kindness and love and joy I had in our marriage, I can only seem to remember times I was unkind. My group counselor says that guilt is sometimes easier to bear than loss or sorrow. Maybe. I don't know how people do this. I go out to do errands and such and when people talk to me I am surprised, i feel like I don't exist. I can't foresee a life like this without him. I try to think and be grateful for the gift of life, and the gift of love, and be grateful that he is not going through this pain, but it still seems so so wrong and unfair. I'm still early enough (11/27/17) that i feel like this has been a horrible mistake, and needs to get straightened out. Magical thinking, I know. I miss him so.

Michelene, I can feel your pain just by reading your post.  I know.... there are no words to describe this tragedy. I can function as a person.  But like you, I do have a hard time keeping myself entertained when engaged in a conversation with another.  With strangers... forget it, I'm not interested in talking.   With friends and co-workers, I can hold a conversation for a few minutes before I get disinterested and just want to leave.   There's only a few people that I can have an extended conversation with.     Survivors guilt is a real thing -- it sounds like you're feeling some of this.   It's true that even though we all love our partners, we really don't know or appreciate what we have until they are gone.  This is entirely true for me.    Was I a bad husband?  Absolutely not.  But had I knew this day was coming, there would have been so  much more I would have done differently.  It's not a realistic thought, but I guess it's just normal human behavior.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why am i having such a hard day today? Yesterday was good. I thought maybe i was progressing toward a little relief. I laughed at work and such. But when i awoke, i felt the sting of pain again. And i could cry at the drop of a hat. It’s only been 2 months, maybe reality is seeping in. My grief group starts next Wednesday, I’m actually Looking forward to it. Is that weird? Ugh 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Why am i having such a hard day today? Yesterday was good. I thought maybe i was progressing toward a little relief. I laughed at work and such. But when i awoke, i felt the sting of pain again. And i could cry at the drop of a hat. It’s only been 2 months, maybe reality is seeping in. My grief group starts next Wednesday, I’m actually Looking forward to it. Is that weird? Ugh 

Oh, it's not weird at all.  During my earlier months, my grief support group was my safe haven.  It was a safe place for me to express my pain, sorrow, and anger. It was also an opportunity for me to see other people's losses -- which helps normalize our feelings a bit.... by having us understand that each person's loss is its own tragedy, and that everyone has a terrible story to tell.   In short, we are not alone.

I hope you will find it helpful and meet new people who you can walk together with on this terrible journey.  You can also do multiple grief support groups if available, because each group is unique in itself.  The make up of each group will also make a huge difference.

Would you be so kind to let us know how it goes for you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Azipod said:

The make up of each group will also make a huge difference.

I feel lucky with the group I have, we seem to have a bond, have similar belief systems, we can truly share with each other and feel that kindred spirit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lisa, I know how you are feeling about looking back with regret at the time you feel you might have wasted.  My dear husband had Parkinson's Disease and the last year was difficult for us because of the many problems that came with the disease.  We fought more in the last 6 months than we had in 30+ years.   I was his caregiver 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  It wasn't easy but I now look back and am glad that we had every minute together.  

I have tried to look and remember further back - before the changes in him and the difficulties we had.  I try to remember when we were very happy - before PD took over our lives.   We had good days and good times the last few years.  Those are the ones I try to focus on and remember.  

I pray that you can do the same.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m trying, i hope as time passes, the good will prevail. I took to writing in a journal and using photos of us to recall the day in words. It’s a good reminder of the fun times we had together. I also printed out text messages and emails he sent saying he loved me! I try to read them when my mind what’s to go to the negative. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

I’m trying, i hope as time passes, the good will prevail. I took to writing in a journal and using photos of us to recall the day in words. It’s a good reminder of the fun times we had together. I also printed out text messages and emails he sent saying he loved me! I try to read them when my mind what’s to go to the negative. 

One thing which was discussed in my grief group which resonates well with me is how we need to develop a way to remember our loved ones.  Specifically, we need to develop our own way on how to incorporate them into our daily life.  If our body is not ready and the loss is recent, this may not really make sense because the emotions and the pain is too intense.  However, once your body and mind calms down a bit, this may make begin to make sense.   We need to figure out how we can go on each day, while we continue the love for our partners.   It's no longer physical relationship.  We need to develop a relationship that may be emotional, spiritual, or physicological.    I can't say I am any where close to figuring this out for myself.   But examples of carrying on each day with our loved ones in memories and in our heart may mean that we mediate, perhaps we look at their photos in the beginning of each day, perhaps we think about something we loved about them each day and what made them special.  Perhaps it may mean that we do some sort of ritual.  Whatever it may be, it is a method of loving, cherishing, and remembering our partners in a different way.  And being able to carry on each day knowing that we are still together with them in spirit.      Love never dies.

And printing out text messages and reading emails are prime examples of this too!   You will continue to develop your ways and figure out what feeds you.  And it is OK to feel that you no longer need to read text msgs/emails down the line.   Your body and mind will develop new ways to develop hunger for their prescence.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We read scripture together the night he passed and we were going to continue this together. I have since been reading the Bible to his picture. It makes me feel that I’m keeping our promise. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We had a snowstorm today. My husband did our plowing. Now I’m at the mercy of other people. Just a constant reminder of how my life has changed. 

I’m trying to decide if having all of my husband’s things as he left them ,  a trigger? I was thinking of putting his things in Rubbermaids and label and put in the basement. Obviously not everything but I’m not sure if I’ll feel better or worse ugh! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

We had a snowstorm today. My husband did our plowing. Now I’m at the mercy of other people. Just a constant reminder of how my life has changed. 

I’m trying to decide if having all of my husband’s things as he left them ,  a trigger? I was thinking of putting his things in Rubbermaids and label and put in the basement. Obviously not everything but I’m not sure if I’ll feel better or worse ugh! 

Oh Lisa.  I completely know how you are feeling.  It's a new life for us.  It's new, but not better.   Now, we take on new responsibilities and tackle other things that we did not have to do before.  It is not so much of the chores, but it's a huge adjustment to say the least.   Two of the things that hit me like a truck was when I folder my wife's laundry for the first time ... also when I watered her indoor plants for the very first time.    It's just a huge reminder that the reason why I am now doing those tasks is because she is no longer here to do it herself.

As for your husband's belongings, I'm not really sure.  For me, I consolidated most of the stuff my wife had scattered around the house to one place.  That way, I don't walk around seeing all of her things.  It was very hard for me to see her stuff knowing that she would never be back to use them.   It made me feel so empty.    I took a lot of her stuff and put it all in one place, and some things I put in her closet.   

Photos around the house on the other hand, did not bother me at all.   Having photos in the house actually makes me feel more comfortable because I'm seeing that she's still here, in our house.

You can do a little and see how things go for you.   Perhaps putting them all in one place as oppose to putting them all away is something you can try.   Down the road, you may be more comfortable with going through each item to see what you want to ultimately do with them ... that is to give it away, storage, or to put it to use.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I’m trying to decide if having all of my husband’s things as he left them ,  a trigger? I was thinking of putting his things in Rubbermaids and label and put in the basement. Obviously not everything but I’m not sure if I’ll feel better or worse ugh! 

My husband's cowboy hat is still on the table by the front door.   He had a man cave - not like most with team sports stuff.  His had his collections, music, guitars and just things he tinkered with all the time.    He has 8 more cowboy hats on display in there :) and about 2 doz baseball style caps.  I don't need the room for anything else so I'll probably leave it as it is for a long time.  I finally moved his clothing to the closet in there.  
This week I heard on the news about a shelter that is open for people who need a place to get out of the cold, a place to shower and get clean clothes and sleep.  I had 2 new air mattresses and I had bought some little fleece blankets on sale just in case I heard of someone who needed them.  So tonight I went in his closet and pulled out most of his coats, all the jackets and a bunch of long sleeve pullover shirts and sweatshirts.  Some jeans and shirts as well.  It's only been 6 months (yesterday) and I haven't felt ready to do this yet.  But I can't stand thinking of people who could be staying warm wearing his coats (and gloves) and still leave them in the closet.  I've been torn by this but made up my mind to just do it.  He was a pretty "snappy" dresser and loved his clothes and enjoyed "looking good."  I hope giving them to this newly opened shelter will help me feel better.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lisa,

I love the responses you've gotten here, they're so right on.  Everyone finds their own way through grief because what is right for one person doesn't feel right for another, we're all unique.  I know in those early years I made a shrine, then took his pictures down, up, down, finally they were up to stay...it was all based off how it made me feel, if it brought me comfort or pain.  Those early months can be really hard.  As far as storing his things, there's no right or wrong way to handle it, only what feels right for you.  And if you put them all away and it doesn't feel right, you can get them all back out again.  Take your time getting rid of belongings though, that's permanent, and there's no hurry.  You'll know if or when it's time and what it should involve.  I remember cleaning out his trailer (he stayed in it near his job because it was a very long commute), it was agonizing!  Looking back I should have left it alone for at least a year and then only cleaned it out with my kids with me.  It was agonizing to tackle and you could hear my piercing cries/screams down the street!

There's no rules, it's what feels right to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, KayC said:

Lisa,

I love the responses you've gotten here, they're so right on.  Everyone finds their own way through grief because what is right for one person doesn't feel right for another, we're all unique.  I know in those early years I made a shrine, then took his pictures down, up, down, finally they were up to stay...it was all based off how it made me feel, if it brought me comfort or pain.  Those early months can be really hard.  As far as storing his things, there's no right or wrong way to handle it, only what feels right for you.  And if you put them all away and it doesn't feel right, you can get them all back out again.  Take your time getting rid of belongings though, that's permanent, and there's no hurry.  You'll know if or when it's time and what it should involve.  I remember cleaning out his trailer (he stayed in it near his job because it was a very long commute), it was agonizing!  Looking back I should have left it alone for at least a year and then only cleaned it out with my kids with me.  It was agonizing to tackle and you could hear my piercing cries/screams down the street!

There's no rules, it's what feels right to you.

KayC, I cannot believe how much you have been through in the last 12-years!   It is interesting, in a positive way, to hear how many challenges you've tackled.  We can all learn a lot from your experiences.  Thank you for your continued efforts in sharing your insight and wisdom with us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have any of you had crazy thoughts in early grief about doubting your partner’s Love. I don’t know if it’s because i don’t have him here for reassurance but it’s killing me. I am trying to daily to look at the positive but i can’t help when negative thoughts creep in. 

I had lunch with my mother in law and i think it put me in a funk. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Have any of you had crazy thoughts in early grief about doubting your partner’s Love. I don’t know if it’s because i don’t have him here for reassurance but it’s killing me. I am trying to daily to look at the positive but i can’t help when negative thoughts creep in. 

I had lunch with my mother in law and i think it put me in a funk. 

Like seemingly many here, my in laws are pretty dysfunctional people. Since my wife died they have said many hurtful things including that my wife wanted to leave me and that she didn’t love me. This used to get me pretty upset. But eventually, I cut them out of my life and realized that I was the one with Kayla every day. I was the one who heard her say I love you. I was the one she held until I fell asleep every night. I read through texts and Facebook messages and time after time I was reminded how much she loved me and always make sure I knew it. It hurts to not have her here anymore to say it out loud but I know it was real. I’m lucky enough to have a video on my phone of her saying I love you. I play it constantly. Just remember how much you loved each other and don’t let it go. It was real for you too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×