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Lisaislost

Grieving my future

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This forum has been a blessing. There are just some things that my family and friends don’t understand. They mean well but let’s face it, This is a grief beyond anything I’ve ever imagined. Thank you!

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On 12/17/2017 at 3:02 PM, Lisaislost said:

Any tips to get through the holidays. I have 4 children so I’ve enlisted them to help with shopping and wrapping. Do you find keeping traditions is helpful or too painful?

It's all dependent on what you are comfortable with.  There's really no right or wrong way.  Having to be on this forum close to 6-months now, I've realized that there are variations to the techniques and suggestions that are discussed here.   You just have to feel your intuition and do what's good for you.

Generally, for those special days such as Holidays, you want to have some sort of plan or agenda.  What you don't want to do is have a complete empty schedule.  This will help you get past those difficult moments and will have some sort of schedule for you to follow.  Otherwise, you're going to be stuck with a blank agenda while you sit and rot in pain (not like we don't do this already!). Also know that you can always change your plans.  The important thing is to have a plan to make it through the day.

I went through TG's fine.   I'm going against what I've suggested to you for both Xmas and New Years.   I'm "feeling" that I should be able to get by based on how I've been feeling this week, and this time period in general.  We will see what happens.

Finally, as far as keeping with traditions....  just know that you can also continue traditions but "tone down" things a bit.  That way, it's less stress, less work, yet you are still able to keep some of what you've done in the past.

Hope this helps!

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1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

This forum has been a blessing. There are just some things that my family and friends don’t understand. They mean well but let’s face it, This is a grief beyond anything I’ve ever imagined. Thank you!

Lisaislost -- Well said. The grief monster is just that; a monster.  It is never ending and the grief is always one step behind you like a shadow that never goes away.  The ride is like a roller coaster.  It goes up, down, left, right, upside down, and it spirals.... all in the dark!     You are correct.  it is indeed beyond anything that anyone can imagine.   People out there have absolutely no idea .

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Lisa, did you see the three articles I listed for you on handling holidays?  Azipod is right, it helps to have a plan in place, and do what what is right for YOU.

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18 hours ago, KayC said:

Lisa, did you see the three articles I listed for you on handling holidays?  Azipod is right, it helps to have a plan in place, and do what what is right for YOU.

Thank you for the articles. Lots of good Information.

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During my 15 minute drive to work, I’ve been talking to God and my husband . It really helps because i feel like I’m having an actual conversation with them. Through God and my husband i am asking for help with peace and Comfort. I laughed today when car pulled up next to me while i was talking.but then again, this experience has taught me that I need to do what feels right for me and if talking to God and my husband keeps me sane, I’m all in! 

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Lisa,

I smiled as you shared that, I used to talk aloud while I was driving my long commute so I've had people "catch me at it" a time or two!  I knew if I ever lost my husband I'd probably need locked up...didn't realize just how much so until it happened!

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What are your thoughts on support groups. For myself and also my 2 daughters ages 17 and 18?

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Lisa,

Obviously I'm for them, I started one myself!  They are all different so if you don't care for one, try another, a lot depends on the leader and whatever material/knowledge they have.

Professional grief counseling is good too.  Not everyone is trained in grief, so look for one with a Thanatology degree.

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such a hard day today! looking forward to the ride home so I can cry my eyes out! i hate this !!!!

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My company is playing the beautiful Christmas songs and music in the restrooms.  Every time I got in and just wanted to cry.  

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1 minute ago, LoveD said:

My company is playing the beautiful Christmas songs and music in the restrooms.  Every time I got in and just wanted to cry.  

I know how you feel.  I share your pain because I know that "life goes on" even though we are grieving.  It may very well be the holidays --- but there is nothing for us to celebrate.  All we can do is wait for another stupid week or so to go by.    People will never understand our pain until it is their time to lose a partner.

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It seems no matter what, it's hard.  My last job we weren't allowed any Christmas decorations and were not allowed to say "Merry Christmas", a stark cold place, that was a year after my husband died and the young people that worked there had not a clue what I was going through or felt.

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As a teacher, the day before break has always been fun filled. As i posted yesterday, i was having a hard day. I cried uncontrollably all the way home and had to pull over because i had worked myself up into such a state i was afraid to drive. I said a prayer and somehow gained the strength to pull myself together and get home. Once Home though, i felt like i was hit by a Mack truck. Today is a better day. What a roller coaster ride ! 

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I'm sorry Friday was so hard for you, but glad yesterday was better.  Such is grief, the waves ebb and flow.

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On 12/23/2017 at 9:38 AM, Lisaislost said:

As a teacher, the day before break has always been fun filled. As i posted yesterday, i was having a hard day. I cried uncontrollably all the way home and had to pull over because i had worked myself up into such a state i was afraid to drive. I said a prayer and somehow gained the strength to pull myself together and get home. Once Home though, i felt like i was hit by a Mack truck. Today is a better day. What a roller coaster ride ! 

Just know that it is OK to have the ups and downs.  I'm glad  that you were able to recognize your limits and decided to pull off the road.   Through time, we will see the courage and the strength that we thought we did not have.  It's not any less painful, but it is an eye-opener to see how much we can endure (albeit it being difficult).

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17 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Every day that i get through is a miracle. 

Getting through each day is indeed a miracle.  We are much stronger and than we know.  It doesn't make us feel better, but we do have a lot of strength inside of us.  I think all of us are amazed at our abilities to go through the grief.  It's not easy, nor is it painless.  But we do make it through so as long as we allow ourselves to do it.  I know all of us can make it through.  But boy, is it painful!   This is part of the reason why we are so welcoming to new grievers.  We know how difficult it is.  We've all been through it.  We feel obligated to help anyone or everyone out.    

To this date, I have no idea how I've made it close to 6-months without my wife.  It is truly a miracle.  

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I appreciate how kind everyone is. Last year my husband and i went to see Styx. We had a blast. When i walked into the grocery store this morning, A Styx song came on. I had to smile. It gave me a little comfort. 

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Lisa,

I'm glad it brought you comfort.  Sometimes it does the opposite.  We never know how we'll feel at any given moment when we're hit with something that reminds us of them.

Azipod, 

I've been amazed at your transition and resilience, and so appreciate your helping others here.  This is a place of immense caring, we know what it's like!

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Here, everyone just "gets it."   I can't say this enough.   In the outside world, some will feel your pain, some will try to say nice things, and then there are some who are oblivious to your feelings and needs.   But it's all different here.   As painful as it is, we all need to know that we are not alone.  Here, we've all met under very unfortunate circumstances.  But here, everyone just gets it.   Please don't under utilize the resources that are available here.  We are family.

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You are all awesome. My bil and sil are visiting and spending the night. We are sharing stories. It’s totally bittersweet. I hope they continue to stay in my life even without my husband here. They’re so important to me. 

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37 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

You are all awesome. My bil and sil are visiting and spending the night. We are sharing stories. It’s totally bittersweet. I hope they continue to stay in my life even without my husband here. They’re so important to me. 

I'm so glad that you have an opportunity to connect with your SIL and BIL.   I maintain a close relationship in my in-laws and specifically my SIL.  It's one of my way to remain connected with my wife.  I hope you can develop the same kind of relationship and if the time is right, you can certainly express this to them.  Whether they will be receptive to this relationship or not you will see down the line.   But if they are important to you, make sure you share that.  I'm glad you have that opportunity, because not everyone does.     Whether it's a sleep over, lunch, or a simple phone call,  it's all meaningful and just give it a chance to develop your relationship with them.   I've been doing the same and things have been working out well.

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