Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Lisaislost

Grieving my future

Recommended Posts

My husband died suddenly 5 weeks ago. We had been together 19 years. For most of it, we were so incredibly happy but over the last year, we were in a rut. It was a week before he died that we had a heart to heart and decided to grab hold and get this marriage back on track. We talked for hours about our feelings, what went wrong and how we could fix it. We were both happier than we had been in a while. A week later he was gone. I feel so robbed. I also regret the things i did and didn’t do. Our last day together was beautiful. We went to church together, had a family dinner, talked and read scripture together. His last words were he loved me. But i still can’t help go to the last year hating myself for not valuing him more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lisa,

I'm so sorry.  5 weeks is so short, it probably feels like both yesterday and forever at the same time.  Time is warped when we lose them.  

We never think we're going to lose them.  We're wrapped up in today because that's how this life is...and how it should be.  Living in the moment as if there's no tomorrow.  I'm glad you had your heart to heart, I'm glad you'd made that resolve BEFORE he was gone.  We can't redo the past but we can value what is, and you still have that love, he's just gone from you physically.  It helps me to think of my George here with me in spirit, even though his body gave out.  We'll have eternity together, someday.  Hold on to that last day as it is something real, and I believe God gave you that day to let you know what the two of you have together to cherish.  I'm sorry this is so hard.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

My husband died suddenly 5 weeks ago. We had been together 19 years. For most of it, we were so incredibly happy but over the last year, we were in a rut. It was a week before he died that we had a heart to heart and decided to grab hold and get this marriage back on track. We talked for hours about our feelings, what went wrong and how we could fix it. We were both happier than we had been in a while. A week later he was gone. I feel so robbed. I also regret the things i did and didn’t do. Our last day together was beautiful. We went to church together, had a family dinner, talked and read scripture together. His last words were he loved me. But i still can’t help go to the last year hating myself for not valuing him more.

Survivors guilt is common and it is normal to feel this way.  Unfortunately, there are many challenges in life and for most of us, we are distracted in our every day duties that we neglect to think about the most important person in our life.   I'm sure everyone here feels the same way as you do .... we all wish that we spent more time and gave our partners more attention while they were alive.  I'm certainly one of these people.    The way to look at any feelings of guilt, is to concentrate your thoughts on the intentions.  Because if we think about our underlying intentions, we will quickly realize that 9 out of 10 times, we did what we did out of love.   And if it's out of love, there is nothing to be guilty about.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m a second grade teacher and i went back to work to get out of my house. The kids are a good distraction but boy does my mind wander. I can’t believe how fast my emotions shift from sadness to anger to guilt to loneliness. Not looking forward to Christmas but i have children so i need to be there for them. On a positive note my bil called and i cried about missing his brother. Then he made me share 1 funny story so i told him a dating one. We started laughing. It felt good. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I’m a second grade teacher and i went back to work to get out of my house. The kids are a good distraction but boy does my mind wander. I can’t believe how fast my emotions shift from sadness to anger to guilt to loneliness. Not looking forward to Christmas but i have children so i need to be there for them. On a positive note my bil called and i cried about missing his brother. Then he made me share 1 funny story so i told him a dating one. We started laughing. It felt good. 

My sil is a 2nd grade teacher as well.   Props to you for being able to focus on your kids at school while carrying around this terrible grief.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lisa,

I love that your BIL listened and then made you share a funny story.  We all need that!  And the memories are so precious...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/11/2017 at 5:07 AM, Lisaislost said:

My husband died suddenly 5 weeks ago. We had been together 19 years. For most of it, we were so incredibly happy but over the last year, we were in a rut. It was a week before he died that we had a heart to heart and decided to grab hold and get this marriage back on track. We talked for hours about our feelings, what went wrong and how we could fix it. We were both happier than we had been in a while. A week later he was gone. I feel so robbed. I also regret the things i did and didn’t do. Our last day together was beautiful. We went to church together, had a family dinner, talked and read scripture together. His last words were he loved me. But i still can’t help go to the last year hating myself for not valuing him more.

I'm very sorry for your loss and know the pain you're experiencing only too well.  Couples sometimes get into that *rut* you described, I certainly did  (being with a man for 45 years can sometimes put you there) however, it never negated how much we  loved and cared for one another.  It was almost as if he was getting his affairs in order and making things right again between the two of you. Don't be hard on yourself thinking of what you should have or should have not done.  He knew you loved him and even through we might not show it the way we should, it is heart-felt.

We're in the hardest season of our lives. I've lost close family and friends in the past, but losing my Charles, the most important person in my life, a part of myself, was the worst for me.  I get it and was there with you - I felt robbed, abandoned, and lost.    However, in the midst of my deepest heartache, God has used my tears to heal my broken heart, and in HIS goodness, HE has given me what I needed and longed for most — a  REAL and CLOSER relationship with HIM!  In the days following my Charles death, I couldn't see the forest for the trees; I was angry at the whole world and everything in it.  I hated this life and everything associated with it.  Yes, I am a Christian and Yes I can sometimes be difficult as hell; I backslide, I stumble, I fall, I stray into the wrong path, but somehow, I know God is working in me.  I may be a mess at times, but I'm HIS mess.  I believe HE is slowly straightening me out and one day, HIS work in me will be complete and HE will take me home so that I can forever be with my Charles.  Until then, I will take HIS hand and let HIM do in me whatever needs to be done; no matter how painful it will be for me (like losing my Charles).  But when HE is finished, it will all be so worth it.

In all your pain, I hope you find comfort that God too is working in you, in all of us.  HE knows our suffering and pain and they can be unbearable if you aren’t certain that God is for you and with you.  Suffering is always painful for us to endure or to see those we love endure. While our human instinct is to free ourselves from it, remember that even in the midst of our suffering, God's Will is being done."  I believe we all come from God put us put on this earth to learn and accomplish valuable lessons.  When those lessons are complete, we return to God much wiser and enlightened.   HE wants us to learn about life, that not only is it short and a gift, or at times it may seem absurd, unreasonable, tragic, difficult and hard to understand; it is a time for preparation.  There is life beyond the grave and the purpose of this life is to prepare us for it.

I'm so happy that before he left this earth, the two of you spent a beautiful day together; that's so important and just knowing he is at peace in the presence of the Lord must be just as important and comforting.  I believe Scripture to be true and in 2 Corinthians 5:8 it states, "We are confident I say ,and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord".  And as much as it hurts, I know you find comfort in just knowing that.  

I do hope you continue to post; we are all here on this dark journey; but there is light - God - and HE will bring all of us through it.  Know you are in my prayers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your kind words. I find comfort in our last days together. Those were real and true. I know he is at peace and waiting for me. Today was the first day i actually swept my floors and put laundry away. I felt accomplished. It’s funny how something so trivial is such a big step in my journey. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Today was the first day i actually swept my floors and put laundry away. I felt accomplished. It’s funny how something so trivial is such a big step in my journey. 

Good for you; slowly but surely, you are making progress.  Be proud of yourself for every tiny step you take, you certainly deserve it; we all do.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lisa,

It IS a big step!  In that early grief, just getting up and getting dressed is an accomplishment!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i had to go to the furniture store last night bc a couch we bought was breaking and the we’re giving me a new one. My kids went with me but i sent them to the car while i scheduled delivery. As i walked out the store, the tears started flowing. The last time i was there we picked out the couch together. How do i deal with these unexpected triggers? They are everywhere. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Let the tears flow.

A year after George died I took my car in to have it worked on and they gave me a ride in their van to my job.  All of a sudden I realized that George had ridden in this very van when he'd taken the car in!  I started crying.  I'm sure everyone in there thought I was nuts.  We have to let it out though, we can no more stop it than hold back an ocean!  

Eventually the triggers slow down their effect.  I'm rarely hit with one now, I've become accustomed to this life by now.  I don't know when it happened but it seems the triggers happen more in early grief (first few years?) when we're still getting used to everything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

i had to go to the furniture store last night bc a couch we bought was breaking and the we’re giving me a new one. My kids went with me but i sent them to the car while i scheduled delivery. As i walked out the store, the tears started flowing. The last time i was there we picked out the couch together. How do i deal with these unexpected triggers? They are everywhere. 

I don't have an answer for you on this one.  But what I can say is that our grief is a testament of our love for our partner/spouse.  It is really special and the fact that you have "break downs" doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.  Your body is simply expressing the emotions/feelings.  I know our partners/spouses are no longer here.  But the love that we have for them, are still here..... Love never dies.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We have a family Christmas party today. While i welcome the distraction, i don’t want to break down. My relatives have all seen me at the funeral and paid their respects. I just hope it can be a day of gathering and not a “poor Lisa “ day. It’s been 6 weeks since my husband died. Any encouragement is greatly appreciated! Also, i have 4 children who have been wonderful. Ages 17-26 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lisa,

I really hope this will be a good day for you.  I'm glad you have your kids, I miss that young adult age, they still see us as home base and come back around.  My daughter lives an hour away and hasn't been here in two years.  My son is 2 1/2 hours away and seldom comes home.  I used to host the family get togethers but his wife started doing it so...anyway, I miss that.  I hope you can enjoy your day with them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today was bittersweet. I enjoyed seeing people but still feel like I'm in a fog. I lay in bed at night asking for a sign that my husband is watching over us. I was getting ready to go to the party and I picked up my phone. My alarm was set. I asked my kids if they set an alarm. They looked at me like I was crazy " pretty sure I feel it somedays" I swiped to the alarm page and the alarm that was set was 3:16. I stopped in my tracks and started to cry. It immediately came to me John 3:16. For God so loved the world , that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Today was bittersweet. I enjoyed seeing people but still feel like I'm in a fog. I lay in bed at night asking for a sign that my husband is watching over us. I was getting ready to go to the party and I picked up my phone. My alarm was set. I asked my kids if they set an alarm. They looked at me like I was crazy " pretty sure I feel it somedays" I swiped to the alarm page and the alarm that was set was 3:16. I stopped in my tracks and started to cry. It immediately came to me John 3:16. For God so loved the world , that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 

I'm not at all religious but my beloved's father is a pastor and I sent him that same quote two days ago. This is beautiful. It just came to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And He does know what it's like to give up his only son...I can't imagine being willing to do that.  I have a son.  I know what loss is like.  To willingly do that, I really don't think I could...but I guess that's why He is God.  :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Any tips to get through the holidays. I have 4 children so I’ve enlisted them to help with shopping and wrapping. Do you find keeping traditions is helpful or too painful?

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Any tips to get through the holidays. I have 4 children so I’ve enlisted them to help with shopping and wrapping. Do you find keeping traditions is helpful or too painful?

 

 

I wish I had tips for you.. I wish I had tips for me.

Some days I go on a shopping spree and then stop in my tracks when I see the jacket I bought my BF that he will never get to wear. It’s going to be one month in 3 days and I can’t believe I’m still alive without him .

 I too get memories and I start to cry because I think about the last time he was anywhere. It’s crazy how the triggers can come out of no where and u can be fine one minute and completely broken the next. 

I hope that even through this difficult time you will be able to find a little bit of joy. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's different for everyone...some keep traditions but some opt for change.  Whatever feels comfortable for you.  You might get input from your kids and consider it when deciding.  I wouldn't have had a tree that first year except my young adult children really pushed for it...my son went and cut one down and put it up, and my daughter made me help her decorate it.  I've continued to have one since.  That first one without him was the hardest, after that, I do it in his honor, and look forward to placing his ornaments on the tree.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html 

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/ 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_us_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/11/2017 at 9:37 PM, Lisaislost said:

My husband died suddenly 5 weeks ago. We had been together 19 years. For most of it, we were so incredibly happy but over the last year, we were in a rut. It was a week before he died that we had a heart to heart and decided to grab hold and get this marriage back on track. We talked for hours about our feelings, what went wrong and how we could fix it. We were both happier than we had been in a while. A week later he was gone. I feel so robbed. I also regret the things i did and didn’t do. Our last day together was beautiful. We went to church together, had a family dinner, talked and read scripture together. His last words were he loved me. But i still can’t help go to the last year hating myself for not valuing him more.

Hi

You were lucky to be given the time to make your peace but It must feel bitter sweet. All marriages especially long ones have tricky times. There is always some regret afterwards. 

Also the first months we are not quite there. I was in a fog and thinking crazy things. Be gentle with yourself. You have taken an enormous hit emotionally. 

Stop beating yourself up ...none of us are perfect and you loved each other......that is the gift you shared. Life is about who we love and you had a beautiful final day. 

I am sending you lots of love. It is early days...get all the support you can and know that we are here for you. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×