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Grieving my future


Lisaislost

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@Lisaislost  I did something kind of like that early in my journey, I've found that art therapy can be very insightful, healing, and helpful.  I remember creating a collage of what I was feeling, and another of what I wanted to feel (goal).  They were strikingly dissimilar, but it helped me see where I wanted to head in a tangible way.  Getting there was another story.

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Great idea. I’m actually seeing a therapist as well and she specializes in art therapy. I’ll sugge your idea as well. I’m dreading my first a Valentine’s Day . Any tips? 

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Lisa I haven't researched grief workshops.  That is so beautiful what you have created.  Your story of love.  I'm going to try this.  I see a therapist but she isn't a "grief therapist."  She has been helpful but hasn't come up with an idea like this.  Thank you for sharing. 

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it was very helpful and emotional. I go to a spouse/partner group i found through Care Dimensions . It runs for 8 weeks and we are halfway through. I hung the collage in my room to remind me of my thoughts and feelings. At the very least, it keeps me busy. 

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22 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Wow! You are a wealth of information. Thank you! 

I've been at this a long time.  I think I've actually only started saving links and articles the last 2-3 years, I wish I'd done it all along.  I have folders with my bookmarks organizing them so I can readily find them.  When my son replaced my Windows 10 with Windows 7, my greatest fear was that I would lose my Chrome bookmarks!  They're invaluable.

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14 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

it was very helpful and emotional. I go to a spouse/partner group i found through Care Dimensions . It runs for 8 weeks and we are halfway through. I hung the collage in my room to remind me of my thoughts and feelings. At the very least, it keeps me busy. 

Sometimes I wish I lived near a big city that had all of these resources.  I live in the country and the nearest town is only 3500 people including surrounding area.  The nearest city is 1 1/4 hours away and I don't drive at night, which is when most things are held.    This group you are attending sounds very good!  I may try something like that with my grief support group.

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 For all of you that have been here longer than I at what point do you start getting the happy memories that come through . I’m still so sad and can’t focus o the good times yet

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It wouldn't do any good even if we could say, it's very gradual, more like it's back and forth until it rests that way, but the timeline is different for all of us depending on our own personalities, abilities to cope, resilience, how much grief work/effort we put in, etc.  Everything affects our journey, making it uniquely ours.

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thank you, I know everyone is different. I'm trying to get past the guilt and focus on the happy times but the guilt comes back and I hope it does not stay forever.  But I get the waves, just when I think I'm moving forward, BAM... right back to where I started.

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1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

thank you, I know everyone is different. I'm trying to get past the guilt and focus on the happy times but the guilt comes back and I hope it does not stay forever.  But I get the waves, just when I think I'm moving forward, BAM... right back to where I started.

I have felt this way quite a bit since Lauri died. Feel better then I get clobbered by the sadness. I do think the sadness and sense of loss is not as frequent or as intense as it once was for me. By this, I mean I do not clobbered every day and I do not cry every day. Perhaps I am just used to it? Please make sure to try to separate guilt from regret.

I still talk to her. I am mad at her for leaving at times.

I can think of some of our times with a bit of a smile but I cannot talk to anyone about her except my therapist. When I try I fall apart. It is a difficult journey.

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It’s interesting you said regret. I broke down in my grief group about not being able to do CPR and roll him over. He was gone. I hope he heard me try to save him and beg him not to leave me. 

The grief counselor said to turn the guilt into regret. I still apologize to his picture every night. 

I know he would be mad at me for beating myself up. His main priority was my happiness. My rational side knows this but grief brings out that irrational side and it’s hard to shake it! 

 

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1 minute ago, Lisaislost said:

It’s interesting you said regret. I broke down in my grief group about not being able to do CPR and roll him over. He was gone. I hope he heard me try to save him and beg him not to leave me. 

The grief counselor said to turn the guilt into regret. I still apologize to his picture every night. 

I know he would be mad at me for beating myself up. His main priority was my happiness. My rational side knows this but grief brings out that irrational side and it’s hard to shake it! 

I know it's not easy to blame yourself.  Most of us all have all those "what if" questions just wondering that if we did or did not do something else, the outcome would have been different.   I don't know we will ever find out.  The "what if" questions can also be thought of as: "What if I did CPR and things still did not work out?"    I guess the point is that we would never know what things happen and the "what if" thoughts usually don't help us but takes up valuable energy. .. something we don't have much of these days.   I know this doesn't really answer your question or makes things any better.  But I am hoping that you can find some healing in knowing that you didn't do anything wrong.   Things happen because things happen.  We don't have control of everything in our life.

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1 hour ago, Paluka said:

I have felt this way quite a bit since Lauri died. Feel better then I get clobbered by the sadness. I do think the sadness and sense of loss is not as frequent or as intense as it once was for me. By this, I mean I do not clobbered every day and I do not cry every day. Perhaps I am just used to it? Please make sure to try to separate guilt from regret.

I still talk to her. I am mad at her for leaving at times.

I can think of some of our times with a bit of a smile but I cannot talk to anyone about her except my therapist. When I try I fall apart. It is a difficult journey.

Isn't that true!?   The grief doesn't hit us like a truck anymore.  But we are still moping around everyday with a dull pain -- kind of like going about our day with a knife lodged inside our heart.   It's true that all of our feelings and emotions are cyclical.  It's all the ups and downs.   One week we would be great, and then BAM, the next week we go down the other way.      I've been having some anger lately too.    It's angry that everyone out in the world is going about their normal life but I am here suffering, and will be suffering indefinitely.   It's so unfair.   Of all the pain and grief that I've put up with in the past 1/2 year is just the unimaginable.   It's suffering day in and day out, every single minute of the day.    I'm sure most people will cringe with the thought of having to just spend one day in my shoes.  It is not a pleasant experience but is downright devastating, to say the least. 

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4 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

 For all of you that have been here longer than I at what point do you start getting the happy memories that come through . I’m still so sad and can’t focus o the good times yet

I don't think that there's a good answer for this.   I'm also not sure what you mean by happy memories.  I'm at 7 months and 4 days today.   I do smile.  I can engage in conversations with others.  I can talk to strangers.  I can smile and engage in small talk with the cashier when I buy coffee.   But happy memories?  No way.  Everyday is miserable.    While I can go to work, do my job, come home, cook for myself, maintain the house, handle my finances, that doesn't mean I am happy.    I do not enjoy my life.   I find some comfort and healing here.  And I do enjoy helping others.   But my life?  Psss.. forget it.  I rather just die.  A big piece of me already did went my wife left.

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I think it goes back to my guilt, happy memories get overtaken.  When i try to look at pictures or read old cards and letters, I’m still sad. I am hoping down the road, i can smile when i look at these and not be a mess every time. 

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In the beginning, thoughts of them evoke pain because of our loss.  Eventually we begin to adjust to the changes this means for our life, and as we do, we notice another change...thoughts of them bring a smile to our heart instead of pain.

I think this is what Lisaislost was asking, how long does it take before that begins to happen?  It can be a year, it can be five years, it's hard saying because we ARE all different in how we move through things.  If we put in a lot of grief work, get counseling, go to support groups, participate in a grief forum, journal, do art therapy, allow ourselves to sit with our pain, to feel our grief, don't try to drown it out with busy-ness or avoid it, we progress through this faster than if we did nothing to aid ourselves in it.  But we still can't predict if or when we'll be at a certain place.  We are individuals, we can do all of the prescribed things for our grief, but we have our own personalities, temperaments, attitudes, abilities to focus, coping skills, etc. and they vary greatly.

I don't recall when those changes first occurred in me, but I do know when I was out of work in 2011 I carried George inside of me and he brought me strength and encouragement as I went into job interviews.  He died in 2005.  I also remember reaching for his strength in 2006, 1 1/2 years after he died, but I also remember being scared of losing my home then too.  Somewhere between 2006 and 2011 there was that transition, but I don't know when.  I remember that first year or two putting his pictures up, feeling too much pain, taking them down, up, down, until finally I left them up.  Whether they were up or down depended on whether it brought pain or comfort to look at them.

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58 minutes ago, KayC said:

In the beginning, thoughts of them evoke pain because of our loss.  Eventually we begin to adjust to the changes this means for our life, and as we do, we notice another change...thoughts of them bring a smile to our heart instead of pain.

You are so correct on this.  I'm a week into my 7th month and over the last few weeks, I've noticed a new change.  The grief monster hasn't really attacked me lately but more importantly, I'm really sensing a bit of a distance relationship with the grief.  Some parts of me tends to remind me these days of: "This is your new life. You're getting use to your daily routine and activities. You've been doing fine.  This is your new life.  You will slowly, but surely, adjust to this."   And so I've been going along my days just doing what I need to do.  I haven't really been bogged down with grief attacks or anything else.  I still miss my wife.  But the grief seems to have shifted to the back burner.    It has however, triggered some thoughts about why I am feeling like this.  Is it OK that I feel more calm and collected.  If I'm not grieving as hard, does that mean I don't love my wife anymore?    The thoughts of my wife isn't bringing me smiles yet, but perhaps that will come in a little bit more.     A big part of me wants to say that I'm probably a toe into the acceptance phase.  The last few weeks have begun to show me a glimpse of what things will stem out from down the road.     

That said, I'm mindful to know that things can always change.  Even though I am progressing very well based on where I am TODAY, it just means that's where I am TODAY.    There will also be a possibility that my healing will stop and I will hit a plateau down the line.   So I'm mindful about that and I need to keep working forward.    

As much progress I have made, I am still very sad. There is still a big hole in my heart and that will be there.... likely forever.      Even though I am not as miserable as before, I am still miserable.   I hope this post makes sense.   I want to emphasize that even though we get better, the better doesn't mean we won't be sad or miss our loved ones.  We always will.  There will always be a big hole... a big void in our heart..... and that still, will remain painful.

 

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

You are so correct on this.  I'm a week into my 7th month and over the last few weeks, I've noticed a new change.  The grief monster hasn't really attacked me lately but more importantly, I'm really sensing a bit of a distance relationship with the grief.  Some parts of me tends to remind me these days of: "This is your new life. You're getting use to your daily routine and activities. You've been doing fine.  This is your new life.  You will slowly, but surely, adjust to this."   And so I've been going along my days just doing what I need to do.  I haven't really been bogged down with grief attacks or anything else.  I still miss my wife.  But the grief seems to have shifted to the back burner.    It has however, triggered some thoughts about why I am feeling like this.  Is it OK that I feel more calm and collected.  If I'm not grieving as hard, does that mean I don't love my wife anymore?    The thoughts of my wife isn't bringing me smiles yet, but perhaps that will come in a little bit more.     A big part of me wants to say that I'm probably a toe into the acceptance phase.  The last few weeks have begun to show me a glimpse of what things will stem out from down the road.     

That said, I'm mindful to know that things can always change.  Even though I am progressing very well based on where I am TODAY, it just means that's where I am TODAY.    There will also be a possibility that my healing will stop and I will hit a plateau down the line.   So I'm mindful about that and I need to keep working forward.    

As much progress I have made, I am still very sad. There is still a big hole in my heart and that will be there.... likely forever.      Even though I am not as miserable as before, I am still miserable.   I hope this post makes sense.   I want to emphasize that even though we get better, the better doesn't mean we won't be sad or miss our loved ones.  We always will.  There will always be a big hole... a big void in our heart..... and that still, will remain painful.

 

You're right.  The grief evolves.  From time to time the sadness surges but the tears is not necessarily to shed.  But the big hole in my heart never be closed.  I don't really want to die now.  I have a lot to do and responsibility.  I am kind of getting used to the loneliness.  No matter what I have to live my life, which is the hard part, and the homework to do.

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21 hours ago, Azipod said:

Is it OK that I feel more calm and collected.  If I'm not grieving as hard, does that mean I don't love my wife anymore? 

Yes, absolutely it is okay that you feel more calm and collected, to be coveted actually!  It is still a part of the grief journey but it's no longer such a shock, it's no longer so alien, you ARE getting more used to it, adjusting to it.  That is our body's natural way, it is built in to us so that we CAN survive tragedy.

No, it absolutely does NOT mean you love your wife any less. If anything, I love my husband even MORE after 12 1/2 years of him being gone, I appreciate him even more because now I know what it's like to be without him.  I miss him each and every day.  Remember:  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but it is our love, and that continues still.

And the acceptance...that means that we are no longer in denial that this is our reality.  It does not mean we like it, wish for it, or in any way want it.  But it IS and we have realized that and have begun to incorporate that knowledge into our lives.

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21 hours ago, Azipod said:

As much progress I have made, I am still very sad. There is still a big hole in my heart and that will be there.... likely forever.      Even though I am not as miserable as before, I am still miserable. 

We learn to carry our grief inside of us.  And the grief DOES evolve.  In the begin we're in shock, a state of panic sets in, anxiety attacks are common, we're frantic...I even searched my house for George, nope, he was not there!  Disbelief reigns.  How could this happen?  Why???  When we got no answers, we quit asking.  We went through life in a state of numbness, robotic.  Get up, get dressed, go to work, come home.  Everything seemed meaningless.  But there IS meaning even at this stage, we are processing our grief, we are letting it sink in, little by little, we are adjusting to it as it is now our new companion.  No we didn't ask for any of this, no we didn't want it, but it is ours anyway, ours to figure out how to deal with it.

And in time grief settles into a type of sadness that we carry inside us where once happiness reigned.  That doesn't mean happy moments are elusive, they come...and go.  But they are brief happy moments, not the state of euphoria we once knew as we cuddled with our spouse.  The "all is right with the world" feeling is gone.  In time we feel life is okay, we are okay, we will make it through this life and even find some joy along the way.  And always a part of us is looking forward to that great reunion day, how could it not!  We don't HAVE to think about it each and every waking moment, for it is a PART of us!

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On 2/7/2018 at 7:11 AM, KayC said:

And always a part of us is looking forward to that great reunion day, how could it not!  

I do look forward to this. Sadly, this is one of the things that carries me through each day. I do however, envy other widows and widowers who are in a more advanced age than I am.  I would feel a lot more happier if I knew I was within 10-15 years of the avg. life expectancy.   But who knows? Maybe I get to go young and early too.... I am so waiting to go home.

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

I do look forward to this. Sadly, this is one of the things that carries me through each day. I do however, envy other widows and widowers who are in a more advanced age than I am.  I would feel a lot more happier if I knew I was within 10-15 years of the avg. life expectancy.   But who knows? Maybe I get to go young and early too.... I am so waiting to go home.

I feel this as well--I have always crossed days off my calendar when the day is done, but now I think, "One day closer..." 

I can make it through the work day lately, but home is when I feel the emotional impact. People at work are referring to my husband more--we work in the same place--and will say, "If Eric was here, he'd say this..or, I know what Eric would say about this..." I'm glad they have stopped being scared to say his name in front of me, because when they didn't mention him at all it was a thousand times worse, like he never existed. 

My husband made a lot of training videos for coworkers--I listen to them on  his computer, so nice to hear his voice just talking. I miss sharing things with him, and just his being in the world. I still feel a sense of terrible injustice; I try to focus on how he is now, free from sorrow, and surrounded by love in heaven, but I want him HERE, with me. 

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Michelene,

I know someone who worked with her husband and then he died.  She had a hard time being in the same workplace as he used to be and feeling his absence there as well as at home, but she couldn't imagine NOT being there either, you know what I mean?  I'm glad people are mentioning his name now, I agree, I LIKE talking about my George, and I remember when my mom was alive (she lived 32 years as a widow) she told me she appreciated me talking about Daddy, that most people who avoid his name like he never existed.  He built her a home so she'd always have a place to live, and that brought her comfort, she lived there until she was 90, but when she got dementia we had to move her to a dementia care facility, by that time she wasn't realizing things fully so it didn't bother her to leave their home like it would have earlier.  So hard!!

I feel as both of you do, that it's good to be one day closer to being with them again.  Not sure if this is a healthy way to live or look at it, but don't know any way around it.  

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I have to say i ve been dreading Valentine’s Day for a month. Today my daughter and her boyfriend sent these flowers to my school. The inscription brought the waterworks. I’m missing my husband but i am loved. 

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That is truly sweet.  It's been many years since I've been thought of on Valentine's Day.  Last night on the news they had Valentine's Angels bringing bouquets to seniors who have lost their partner, that was so sweet, they were so touched.

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Grief support group update-  our assignment is to write a letter to grief. What would you say to it, and what would it say back to you.  Sounds interesting. 

My brother in law texted me yesterday and had me share a story of love between his brother and me. He and his wife are always uplifting me. I remembered a story that i had forgotten . I’m so glad i can add it to my journal. 

God i miss him so much.

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Lisa,

What a sweet BIL you have!  I know I love talking about my George and memories with him.  Most people just don't care to listen, so I think it's neat that your BIL does and even asked you to share.

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I’m so fortunate. 

I keep riding these waves of emotions. It’s so hard knowing this is a life sentence. It’s depressing. 

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On 2/16/2018 at 10:00 AM, Lisaislost said:

I’m so fortunate. 

I keep riding these waves of emotions. It’s so hard knowing this is a life sentence. It’s depressing. 

Lisa, I don't have much of the rocky waves anymore.....  The sea for me is fairly calm with very occasional jolts.  Despite not being rocked by strong waves, it is still VERY depressing on my end.   We are all indeed serving a life sentences for a crime that we did not commit. 

As I journey through many months of grief, wherein things become clearer and clearer each day, I now see things so clear, that I know there is no more joy and purpose in my life... not anymore.   My life is beyond shattered.  Very depressing indeed.

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Lisa,

The waves begin to lessen in time and with less frequency so that part won't be a life sentence.  The living without them is, but we gradually become more accustomed to the changes that means for our lives and we learn to continue our love with them differently than when they were here physically.  To say I miss George is a gross understatement.

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I’ve been doing a lot of reading on regret. I know most of us deal with that in a sudden death. I’m rehashing our conversations trying to remember what i said, he said etc. I read that it’s part of the grieving process in one way because we long for the past. When they were with us, so the conversations, good or bad, keep them alive in our head. I know it’s not healthy to live with regret and i pray it lessens over time. I keep saying, i love him and he loves me. That’s all that counts! My rational head says that.

Then the regret creeps back in. 

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Dear Lisaislost:

I am struggling with this myself. The last days we were together i can barely remember what we said, I was so frantic and tired and emotional. I do remember telling him at one point that my life would be empty without him, that he gave me joy. But God knows if that registered, because I am sure he was more frightened than I was after his heart attack. I remember trying to make him laugh in the hospital by doing whatever that dance is, the eggbeater, and holding his hand alot. I felt somehow then, and especially now, that I was to blame. My sister asked me why didn't you ask him at the hospital if he blamed you for not being there. I said, I was not about to ask someone hooked up to an oxygen machine if they blamed me. I thought we would have time to have those kinds of discussions later. But I regret not putting my foot down more about things I thought might be stressing him out. I regret not telling him so many things. I just know I felt joy in our marriage and I trusted him and I never regretted loving him or marrying him. I hope he felt the same way, but right now I feel so estranged from him, from our past, from our future. And now every day I feel empty spaces opening up inside me. In the early days, my grief and anguish was like a mansion whose magnitude I could not comprehend, but now every day i see that it is full of empty rooms that I have yet to explore. Every day reveals a new facet of loss to me. I just feel like he blames me, like it is my fault, and so I feel even if I were to die he wouldn't want me in the after life, and I have no life here, so I feel trapped in the immediate present, which is like having no life at all. 

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On ‎2‎/‎15‎/‎2018 at 5:53 AM, Lisaislost said:

Grief support group update-  our assignment is to write a letter to grief. What would you say to it, and what would it say back to you.  Sounds interesting. 

My brother in law texted me yesterday and had me share a story of love between his brother and me. He and his wife are always uplifting me. I remembered a story that i had forgotten . I’m so glad i can add it to my journal. 

God i miss him so much.

Love these ideas....I have been doing so much writing out experiences, pain and every emotions that comes with grief on paper but never thought of this.  You have a beautiful support system with your husband's family!  Thank you for sharing,

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5 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on regret. I know most of us deal with that in a sudden death. I’m rehashing our conversations trying to remember what i said, he said etc. I read that it’s part of the grieving process in one way because we long for the past. When they were with us, so the conversations, good or bad, keep them alive in our head. I know it’s not healthy to live with regret and i pray it lessens over time. I keep saying, i love him and he loves me. That’s all that counts! My rational head says that.

Then the regret creeps back in. 

regrets ..we know it's not productive o healthy thinking but I'm accepting it is part of the process. 

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4 hours ago, Michelene said:

Dear Lisaislost:

I am struggling with this myself. The last days we were together i can barely remember what we said, I was so frantic and tired and emotional. I do remember telling him at one point that my life would be empty without him, that he gave me joy. But God knows if that registered, because I am sure he was more frightened than I was after his heart attack. I remember trying to make him laugh in the hospital by doing whatever that dance is, the eggbeater, and holding his hand alot. I felt somehow then, and especially now, that I was to blame. My sister asked me why didn't you ask him at the hospital if he blamed you for not being there. I said, I was not about to ask someone hooked up to an oxygen machine if they blamed me. I thought we would have time to have those kinds of discussions later. But I regret not putting my foot down more about things I thought might be stressing him out. I regret not telling him so many things. I just know I felt joy in our marriage and I trusted him and I never regretted loving him or marrying him. I hope he felt the same way, but right now I feel so estranged from him, from our past, from our future. And now every day I feel empty spaces opening up inside me. In the early days, my grief and anguish was like a mansion whose magnitude I could not comprehend, but now every day i see that it is full of empty rooms that I have yet to explore. Every day reveals a new facet of loss to me. I just feel like he blames me, like it is my fault, and so I feel even if I were to die he wouldn't want me in the after life, and I have no life here, so I feel trapped in the immediate present, which is like having no life at all. 

Michelene   We are all here rehashing thinking what more could we have said and what more we could have done.  

"I just know I felt joy in our marriage and I trusted him and I never regretted loving him or marrying him. I hope he felt the same way, but right now I feel so estranged from him, from our past, from our future. And now every day I feel empty spaces opening up inside me."

When reading these posts it's easy to comprehend why people who haven't experienced a loss of this intensity are unable to understand.  Unless you've experienced all these levels of intense feelings it is incomprehensible.   

I trusted him too. I trusted him completely even when he insisted everything was ok.  I love him! I want him! I need him! I loved how we flowed together.  I loved how one always kept a level head even when we hit a bump. I loved the joy.  I loved the giggles.  I loved the freedom to simply be silly.

I'm feeling that estranged feeling but I think for me it is my being in limbo.  I've stated in another post that its a place I needn't to park.  I don't see limbo as having limitations or obstacles.  I can't go back yet I'm not ready to accept or begin to move forward.  A month ago I was open to all his signals and the visuals/spirit connections.  The past month I've not been open which is that feeling of estrangement you mentioned.  Not been open because I'm angry he left.  Not been open because I don't want to accept that he is really gone.  Yesterday I unknowingly left open a space to receive a signal.  I know he's there.  The signal is a reminder that I'll have another connection with him. It's not the connection I want.  In time it will be the only connection I will have.  It will be beautiful!

The "open spaces,"  the holes of emptiness, the voids left.  I feel these open spaces.  I've observed people running around to fill these open spaces.  For now I don't want to fill them with anything just to fill.  I visualize them being filled in time with new people, with love, new interests, new adventures.  I'm adamant they are not going to be filled with meaningless fillers.  For me going back to the past to grab anything that doesn't hold the energy I need isn't healthy. Running forward grabbing something or someone to fill that void isn't wise for me. Whatever I decide to allow to fill those spaces has to feel right. I'm not ready.  Its that simple.

I not sure any of this makes sense.  Its where I am as I understand, experience and feel all these shared thoughts and feelings.  We all have in common: A loss, love, grief and the hard journey back to some level of "normalcy."

How we each travel will be different and unique but grief is grief.  The pain is real, the loss is real, the fear is real, the unknown is real, the regrets are real, the confusion is real, the anger is real, the panic is real, the insomnia is real......grief is deep and grief is real.  Unconditional love is deep and unconditional love is real.

 

 

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Sunflower, that is such a beautiful post.  You are correct. People say "sorry for your loss" or offer their condolenses but it's really just trying to be nice. There is very few people out there that truly knows how we feel, or perhaps most importantly, what we go through not each day, but each moment.  Some with sympathy can only see our grief as its surface, they think that it's such a tragedy for us to lose someone and perhaps think as far as us, going home to an empty house at the end of each day.  Well, that's only the surface.   If they were ever able to spend a day in our shoes, they'll know that our grief goes way beyond the act of going home.  It is everything that happens behind the front door that is the true grief.  The loneliness, the emptyness, the constant reminder of our loved one that was once there.  They don't live with us to see us crawling into an empty bed each night, waking up to the same empty space next to us, or waking up in the middle of the night realizing that it's much colder now because there isn't any body next to us.

You are also correct about our connections that we have now.  Having spiritual connections is great.... but it's far far from having a physical connection.  It is absolutely no replacement.  That said, I am grateful that I have the ability to make a connection with my higher-self..... something that didn't exist at all before my wife's passing.

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3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Having spiritual connections is great.... but it's far far from having a physical connection.  It is abso

3 hours ago, Azipod said:

Sunflower, that is such a beautiful post.  You are correct. People say "sorry for your loss" or offer their condolenses but it's really just trying to be nice. There is very few people out there that truly knows how we feel, or perhaps most importantly, what we go through not each day, but each moment.  Some with sympathy can only see our grief as its surface, they think that it's such a tragedy for us to lose someone and perhaps think as far as us, going home to an empty house at the end of each day.  Well, that's only the surface.   If they were ever able to spend a day in our shoes, they'll know that our grief goes way beyond the act of going home.  It is everything that happens behind the front door that is the true grief.  The loneliness, the emptyness, the constant reminder of our loved one that was once there.  They don't live with us to see us crawling into an empty bed each night, waking up to the same empty space next to us, or waking up in the middle of the night realizing that it's much colder now because there isn't any body next to us.

You are also correct about our connections that we have now.  Having spiritual connections is great.... but it's far far from having a physical connection.  It is absolutely no replacement.  That said, I am grateful that I have the ability to make a connection with my higher-self..... something that didn't exist at all before my wife's passing.

lutely no replacement.  That said, I am grateful that I have the ability to make a connection with my higher-self..... something that didn't exist at all before my wife's passing.

@Azipod your post is truth!!!!

Last night in a support group meeting the facilitator said:  when people ask how are you doing 90% want to hear us  say we're doing alright rather than hear the truth. 

I'm observing its higher than 90%.  

I had a call the other night by a now "acquaintance" who I'm sure meant well.  Her idea of a check.  I never mentioned me, my feelings or my grief.  I simply said I was doing my best. the call went on  "about how happy I will be when spring comes.  All the things I can do that I cant do now because of the weather."  I seriously shook my head. 

I'm dreading the change of seasons.  Spring and summer were our favorite seasons.  I made it clear that "she must be referring to herself because I did not come equipped with a be happy button that I could just click on!!!"

I took the focus off me and gave her a few minutes to delight in her happiness. I disconnected graciously.  She is one shining example of people who "don't get it."  Yes I had a feeling that I couldn't wait until the one day she will experience this pain!   We say that one needs to feel this loss to understand our pain yet I have several girlfriends who have not experienced this loss. They have been my soothing balm when I need them and they know how to reach out.  Before my loss I never would made a comment like that.  What I didn't know was the intensity of the pain, the broken heart and the shattered pieces their world had become for them.  I believed in time the grief would be "fixed."   How horribly wrong I was. 

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I have been having conversations with my 2 daughters. We talk about how people don’t get it. They are 18 and 17. I said to them, this is a lesson for us. When our friends experience a loss, which will happen, we will be better equipped to help them. We will remember to just reach out with an “ I’m thinking of you” no advice needed.

i lost my husband, they lost their dad. You just don’t get over that. 

Yesterday i took my youngest prom dress shopping. We bought a dress that she won’t get to show her dad. It is life changing for us all. 

@Sunflower2- spring won’t change that! It’s unfortunate that people don’t get it but i can’t say I did until now. That’s why we are here. We all understand. 

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You all are so right.  I love my sisters and they're wonderful but they don't get it, they all have their husbands, they have not a clue.  They still go on their vacations and have someone to take care of them when they have surgery or are injured.  They still have someone to talk over their day, share expenses with, and share affection with.  They still have someone to drive them places when they can't drive, someone to do half the chores, someone who cares about them...someone who leaves the garage light on for them.  My one sister even goes so far as to say how lucky I am because I don't have to listen to sports!  Are you freaking kidding me!!!

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4 minutes ago, KayC said:

.  My one sister even goes so far as to say how lucky I am because I don't have to listen to sports!  Are you freaking kidding me!!!

That’s horrible! I would take my husband’s snoring, love for war movies and unfiltered humor back  in a heartbeat. 

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No kidding.  Another sister last night when I was telling her about getting 20" of snow between Saturday night and Sunday night said, "Well you knew what you signed on for when you moved there."  What?!!  First of all I was 24, I was getting married, he already had the property and it was JULY, I didn't know how much it'd snow!  Nor did I know 23 years later he'd get a divorce and leave me here with the kids. Or that I'd meet and marry my soul mate and that he would die just 3 years and 8 months later at the age of 51.  This sister's whole life is about travel and decorating and having parties, and she gets a couple of inches of snow once in a while.  She has no clue, she's never lived on her own.  Honestly, where is the empathy!

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

No kidding.  Another sister last night when I was telling her about getting 20" of snow between Saturday night and Sunday night said, "Well you knew what you signed on for when you moved there."  What?!!  First of all I was 24, I was getting married, he already had the property and it was JULY, I didn't know how much it'd snow!  Nor did I know 23 years later he'd get a divorce and leave me here with the kids. Or that I'd meet and marry my soul mate and that he would die just 3 years and 8 months later at the age of 51.  This sister's whole life is about travel and decorating and having parties, and she gets a couple of inches of snow once in a while.  She has no clue, she's never lived on her own.  Honestly, where is the empathy!

KayC -- Sorry to hear about how your sister is reacting to the challenges you are facing.   All of us who are on this journey of grief, have all become richer in many ways.  Through this grueling journey, we have all in one way or another, found meaning and purpose in our life...  We all look at things and appreciate them so differently from the past.   We are indeed, much as a person than who we were before our tragedies.    I know it's frequent, almost routine, that we run into other people that just don't get it.  They either say or do the most stupidest things.  Or simply, we find that they act as if they do not have a heart.

In all honesty, I was like that before.   I've had some phases of anger in my grief.... some about how others have treated me or perhaps, the lack of treatment (yeah, those "friends" that you thought were going to be there for you but never came around... not even once).... and I've realized that this is normal and this is the world we live in.   Through our grief and tragedy, we have all become more of a person... we think on a higher conscious level... and we are unique in our own way because of our experience.   It doesn't have anything to do with an ego ... or we know more than you type of thing.   It's just simply..... we understand what love is....  We understand the precious things about life.   And we can appreciate it.

For me, I'm a better person now, compared to as before.  But damn... I've paid a very high price for this experience.

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Grief group update- next assignment is to write a letter to our spouse and then answer it as we feel our spouse would answer. Not sure if i will be able to get through this but I’ll try for him. 

Had a tough day today. Woke up sad and missing him. Went to pray to his picture for a sign he was with me . At the same time i was praying, my sister in law texted me a reminder to keep praying. Also,  I went to the kitchen sink and looked out the window this afternoon and the hawk was back. 

I believe in signs and they give me comfort. 

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I've done the same exercise in one of the later sessions in my grief group.  Doing the exercise was Ok with me but it was very difficult dealing with the emotions down the line.  I don't typically write out my feelings such as in a journal so this exercise was new to me.   The emotions followed me for a week afterwards.

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I haven't yet done the letter to grief or the letter to my partner.  I noticed that past couple days I avoided the writing in the journal because it just Wednesday t was too intense.  I went and typed my thoughts and feelings on a computer and printed it. It kept me detached from the intense feelings as I experience in writing.  Have no idea where that came from.  I too have noticed that any layering or an exercise that brings me deeper into the loss I carry the intensity for days and even weeks,  The visuals/apparitions were so intense that it took a month where I had to take a step back,  I believe that was my 'Limbo" stage I kept posting about. Last Wednesday a massage kicked me out of limbo.  I was getting stuck there. It opened me up where I could follow through and revisit our happy place for one night.   That experience was necessary yet once home it weighted me down Saturday and Sunday. The cycle of grief.  Cant predict.  The emotions and the sadness are unpredictable and intense. Today I'm doing the one foot in front of the other but I'm moving,  Never moving with a bounce that was there and the lightness that was there before my loss.  My 2nd support group is tonight.  There is a workbook but I haven't seen any assignments that you have shared. I couldn't even imagine writing that and reading to the group. 

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Going through these exercises is hard, but it does help us process our grief.  Grief is exhausting.

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