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Grieving my future


Lisaislost

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Grief has its waves, waves of feeling the depths of despair, and then feeling somewhat okay, only to be knocked down again.  I've learned to ride the waves, knowing tomorrow I'll have different feelings than today, and hanging on for the ride.  It's a hard thing to get through, I take each day, each moment, as it comes.  

Riding the waves is an excellent analogy.  I don't surf but riding the waves brings images of how I feel about this.   In the earlier weeks/months, I was constantly drowning while trying to swim.  I would get hit by a wave and be thrown underneath the water.  I struggle and struggle only to resurface after some time.  Then, another wave comes and knocks me down, making me gasp for air.  Sometimes, i get "consumed" and get suffocated.   I nearly drown, and then it happens over and over again.  That's my grief in the earlier weeks/months.

Now, I am no longer consumed by grief.  However, the waves do come, albeit them less in intensity and much shorter in duration.  Now, I'm "riding the waves" because I've been given a surf board.  So I ride and ride.   Sometimes the waves to crash against my body throwing me in the water.  But I quickly climb back up to my surf board and I continue riding.   Make no mistake though, where I am now, I still get waves of grief.  However, they don't consume me because I know how to ride it.  Through time and experience, I've learned how to built myself tools.  In other words, my vehicle is the surfboard, that allows me to stay above water.     I get knocked down occasionally, but I get back up.  I no longer drown.

Being able to manage the grief, or the waves of it for that matter, is only a stepping stone into this process.   Even though my grief is being managed, the pain, sorrow, and despair is still there.   That's a much longer phase to conquer.

 

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21 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

my best friend is trying to get me out to yoga. I know i should go but it’s hard to go out. I’m planning a trip to North Carolina to visit my brother in April. It will be my 20th anniversary and i know i won’t want to be home. 

My suggestion is to try everything and anything out.  That was really the mindset I needed in my earlier months which allowed me to survive.   During that time, I was vulnerable though I was not fearful.   I knew that nothing could hurt me, because I was already in  a world of hurt.   Although I did not do any extra-hazardous activities, I did not fear trying out anything within reason.  There was no longer fear, in anything.     There was nothing to lose.  I already my world, the love of my life.  What's the worst that can happen?  I die and I get to be my wife.  It doesn't sound so bad at all!

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

My suggestion is to try everything and anything out.  That was really the mindset I needed in my earlier months which allowed me to survive.   During that time, I was vulnerable though I was not fearful.   I knew that nothing could hurt me, because I was already in  a world of hurt.   Although I did not do any extra-hazardous activities, I did not fear trying out anything within reason.  There was no longer fear, in anything.     There was nothing to lose.  I already my world, the love of my life.  What's the worst that can happen?  I die and I get to be my wife.  It doesn't sound so bad at all!

I use to be afraid to fly, not anymore. I feel the same way. 

I did go out today to the barn while my friend groomed her horse. My kids were out and i didn’t want to be alone. It was a nice distraction. For a brief moment, i forgot my pain. 

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I hate when i first wake up. It’s like a panic and reminder that I’m alone. I’m also dealing with the fact that i woke up the morning he died to him being unresponsive. I relive that a lot . Any tips or suggestions? 

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Azipod, your point about not being afraid to try something is a good one, one many of us have experienced...as you said, what have we got to lose?  We've already lost it all!

Lisa, that is something many of us are haunted with, those last moments of their life or finding them dead.  I was haunted by those images for years and it's finally lessened although I haven't forgotten it, it no longer consumes me and beats me with those images.  One thing I've heard people try is this, often with a therapist to help you through it.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html

http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html

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19 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I did go out today to the barn while my friend groomed her horse. My kids were out and i didn’t want to be alone. It was a nice distraction. For a brief moment, i forgot my pain. 

I know.  With time, we're able to put more concentration on what we do so that our mind isn't simmering in the grief.   With practice, we can get distracted for longer periods of time.  Still, for me, I know my "baseline" status is always back to the grief.  So no matter how much I try to be happy, or get into a good moment, in time, the "rubber bands" will pull me back to my baseline -- that is when I feel sadness, sorrow, and despair.

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10 minutes ago, Azipod said:

I know.  With time, we're able to put more concentration on what we do so that our mind isn't simmering in the grief.   With practice, we can get distracted for longer periods of time.  Still, for me, I know my "baseline" status is always back to the grief.  So no matter how much I try to be happy, or get into a good moment, in time, the "rubber bands" will pull me back to my baseline -- that is when I feel sadness, sorrow, and despair.

It has not even been 2 months for me; I am back at work and back to having that hole in my chest--that feeling of panic and emptiness again. Such sorrow and despair. it still seems like something that needs to be cleared up--a horrible mistake. I can feel tears standing in my eyes, behind my eyes. I tend to not look at people. There are some people that won't even talk to me, like I am a pariah. I feel such incredible guilt for not being able to save my husband, not get him to the doctor, not save him with CPR, I feel like people think, what a horrible person she is. And I feel that, when I have any awareness of myself. I feel like I go through the days like an automaton. Is this the rest of my life? 

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If people are avoiding you it's not because you couldn't save your husband, it's because they don't know what to say and they're uncomfortable with death itself, it makes them think if it could happen to you it could happen to them and that makes them scared, they want to fix it but they know they can't.  It is nothing you did or didn't do!

No it's not the rest of your life, eventually we adjust to the changes it means for us in our lives, as unthinkable as that seems right now.  We never like it, but we do get more used to it.  And with time and lots of work, we build a life for ourselves we can live and find purpose again.  It's hard, but it can be done, I've done it.  And in the beginning I just wanted to die, I didn't think it possible I could live without George, I couldn't imagine surviving this.

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9 minutes ago, KayC said:

If people are avoiding you it's not because you couldn't save your husband, it's because they don't know what to say and they're uncomfortable with death itself, it makes them think if it could happen to you it could happen to them and that makes them scared, they want to fix it but they know they can't.  It is nothing you did or didn't do!

No it's not the rest of your life, eventually we adjust to the changes it means for us in our lives, as unthinkable as that seems right now.  We never like it, but we do get more used to it.  And with time and lots of work, we build a life for ourselves we can live and find purpose again.  It's hard, but it can be done, I've done it.  And in the beginning I just wanted to die, I didn't think it possible I could live without George, I couldn't imagine surviving this.

Thank you.

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2nd week with my grief group was much better than the first. We all brought a photo of our loved one. Then we passed the pictures around the group and shared some happy thoughts, stories etc. way less tears this week and more smiles and a few laughs. 

I almost didn’t go back because last week was so emotional but I’m glad a gave it another chance. 

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I'm glad you gave it a chance.  The first time for everything is harder.  Our grief group is close and it's been very helpful having each other.

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14 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

2nd week with my grief group was much better than the first. We all brought a photo of our loved one. Then we passed the pictures around the group and shared some happy thoughts, stories etc. way less tears this week and more smiles and a few laughs. 

I almost didn’t go back because last week was so emotional but I’m glad a gave it another chance. 

I'm so glad you made the decision to go back.  As you go through the weeks in this group, you will see a shift in states between you and others in the group. Sometimes you will be doing better, while another will be doing worst.  And then it can shift in the following weeks.  Everyone has their ups and downs.   Your decision to go back was great.  Sometimes processing grief takes you through some more difficult periods, but the benefits come after the pain.  It's a part of processing and facing our grief.

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On 1/16/2018 at 7:58 AM, KayC said:

No it's not the rest of your life, eventually we adjust to the changes it means for us in our lives, as unthinkable as that seems right now.  We never like it, but we do get more used to it.  And with time and lots of work, we build a life for ourselves we can live and find purpose again.  It's hard, but it can be done, I've done it.  And in the beginning I just wanted to die, I didn't think it possible I could live without George, I couldn't imagine surviving this.

This makes sense.   I know I can live, and be able to survive without my wife.  I know that.  My problem is that I just don't want to.  I don't want to have a life without her.

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On 1/15/2018 at 11:28 AM, Michelene said:

It has not even been 2 months for me; I am back at work and back to having that hole in my chest--that feeling of panic and emptiness again. Such sorrow and despair. it still seems like something that needs to be cleared up--a horrible mistake. I can feel tears standing in my eyes, behind my eyes. I tend to not look at people. There are some people that won't even talk to me, like I am a pariah. I feel such incredible guilt for not being able to save my husband, not get him to the doctor, not save him with CPR, I feel like people think, what a horrible person she is. And I feel that, when I have any awareness of myself. I feel like I go through the days like an automaton. Is this the rest of my life? 

Yes, it will be like this for the short-term.  You will be on automatic mode for a few months I suppose.   After that, you will slowly get gripes back on certain aspects of your life and slowly, you will get more.  Things do change.  But it's not better, it's just different.   In some ways, I'm still on automation too, but it's not like the fashion in which you are describing for yourself.  It's less automated but my body still does make some decision for me, automatically.    Most people in this world (including myself before) don't know how to deal with death.  It's a taboo subject.  So I believe that for the most part, the people that don't talk to you doesn't neccessarily dislike you, they just don't know what to say.  That's true for at least 50% of the folks we run into out there.   They fear that they will say something wrong, bring up memories, or stir up pain --- but we all know that you're already in pain already!!!

Going back to work is a huge step.  Congrats on that!   Having structure, responsibility, and trying to at least take some attention off your grief so that you can get back to a normal life is good ... and anything u can do that helps u get towards that direction is great...   Be kind to yourself.  Take good breaks.  Go outside.  Feel the air.   Cry.   It's all OK.   It's not going to eliminate the pain, but doing these activities will help you shift your body from the grief so as to not let it consume you.

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Wow! How can you feel good one day and totally undone the next? No warning, went to sleep fine, woke up in a funk. Sometimes i wonder if i had a dream i don’t remember that throws me. Anxiety crept in with a panic attack at the grocery store. I got through it but it came from nowhere. 

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I had a dream last night . My husband was preparing for his death and said he was a peace with it. He kept sending me scriptures to read when he was gone. I asked him to keep sending me signs to know he was ok. I woke up comforted but also very sad. 

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Lisa,

I'm glad the dream brought you comfort, it sounds like a visitation.  I understand your feeling sad though, how could you not be?

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I am just missing my husband much today. i don't want this future. I feel like everything I do is just a distraction. It is hard to find meaning in anything. I get up everyday and do what I am supposed to do at work. Perhaps that shows some kind of faith, I don't know. I don't know how people do this. 

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Hi Michelene,

You and I both had our losses in November. I know how you feel. Some days I feel like I can get through and others, like today, I think it would be easier to just give up. I know I can't rush this process but I am getting pretty sick and tired of feeling so low. I have 2 children at home and I am trying to keep them positive.  It's exhausting! I miss my husband mostly on the weekends because that was when we saw each other for a longer period of time. I don't want to cook meals, and I loved to cook before he died. Things that seemed important are now so trivial. I hate Facebook, I stopped looking on it. People complaining about stupid things. I just want to write " GET OVER YOURSELVES, MY LIFE IS CHANGED FOREVER !!!! Deep Breath!

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1 hour ago, Michelene said:

I am just missing my husband much today. i don't want this future. I feel like everything I do is just a distraction. It is hard to find meaning in anything. I get up everyday and do what I am supposed to do at work. Perhaps that shows some kind of faith, I don't know. I don't know how people do this. 

 

1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Hi Michelene,

You and I both had our losses in November. I know how you feel. Some days I feel like I can get through and others, like today, I think it would be easier to just give up. I know I can't rush this process but I am getting pretty sick and tired of feeling so low. I have 2 children at home and I am trying to keep them positive.  It's exhausting! I miss my husband mostly on the weekends because that was when we saw each other for a longer period of time. I don't want to cook meals, and I loved to cook before he died. Things that seemed important are now so trivial. I hate Facebook, I stopped looking on it. People complaining about stupid things. I just want to write " GET OVER YOURSELVES, MY LIFE IS CHANGED FOREVER !!!! Deep Breath!

Michelene & Lisaislost:  Weekends are tough.  It was a killer for me in earlier months but it's been better.  Yes, I did use the word better.   It's just better in the sense that it is completed dreaded.  But it's still bad in the sense that I still see it as a void in my life in terms of looking at the 7-day week.  Weekends are special days for us and now, the house is empty and I am the only one here.   As I am writing this, I suddenly feel a loss because I haven't had a meal with my wife for 1/2 year now.   We dined out a lot during the weekends when we were lazy.  Now, that  aspect of my life is gone.  It's sad.

Michelene, you talked about not knowing how people do this.  The truth is that no one knows how to do this, not any of us.  Everyone here takes each moment at a time.  There is no road map.  There is no GPS.   No one knows the path that we are suppose to take.  We don't even know it ourselves.   The only way to do this is to live in the moment, and take things 1 hour, or 1-day at a time.   Each step we take forward, regardless how insignificant and small of a step we think it is, defines the path we will embark on in the future.

It is very complicated to say the least.

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6 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I had a dream last night . My husband was preparing for his death and said he was a peace with it. He kept sending me scriptures to read when he was gone. I asked him to keep sending me signs to know he was ok. I woke up comforted but also very sad. 

It sounds like a visitation dream. When we sleep, our souls leave our physical body into the spiritual realm. That is how the other side communicate with us.  It doesn't happen often, and it doesn't happen to everyone, but some of us have the luxury of experiencing these dreams.   I've only had one at my 5-week mark.  Before that time, a friend of mine told me that I'll likely get one soon.  I brushed it off and felt whatever.    No idea in a million years that I would then get one shortly.  And you are right.  It feels so warm and comforting when you wake up.    However, that feeling slides off the body fairly quickly after u realize what your reality is.

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6 hours ago, Azipod said:

It sounds like a visitation dream. When we sleep, our souls leave our physical body into the spiritual realm. That is how the other side communicate with us.  It doesn't happen often, and it doesn't happen to everyone, but some of us have the luxury of experiencing these dreams.   I've only had one at my 5-week mark.  Before that time, a friend of mine told me that I'll likely get one soon.  I brushed it off and felt whatever.    No idea in a million years that I would then get one shortly.  And you are right.  It feels so warm and comforting when you wake up.    However, that feeling slides off the body fairly quickly after u realize what your reality is.

My husband’s two visitation dreams also happened around 5-6 weeks.  Is there anything to do with the spiritual side?

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Azipod's responses were so right on, nothing to add to it.

Not sure what you mean, LoveD, what your question is.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

Azipod's responses were so right on, nothing to add to it.

Not sure what you mean, LoveD, what your question is.

I mean usually the visitation dreams happen around the two months after the love ones passing probably because the spirits need time to settle down to give us the dreams or we were too sad at the beginning and they couldn't get in our dreams.

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Jeff In Denver

I'm sorry to hear your story. It's no comfort to you, but I know what you mean about wishing we had valued them more when they were physically here.  It's a terrible feeling.

But I think it's not a matter of not knowing what we have, but more of a matter of actually knowing what we have when we have it, but thinking that we're not going to lose it.

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9 minutes ago, LoveD said:

I mean usually the visitation dreams happen around the two months after the love ones passing probably because the spirits need time to settle down to give us the dreams or we were too sad at the beginning and they couldn't get in our dreams.

Oh it could be anything!  I think different people will experience different communication methods at different times.  It's different for everyone.  In all fairness, I don't think us humans in the physical world have the capacity to  understand and comprehend what goes in in the Spirit world.  We have thoughts, ideas, and beliefs.  But that's all assuming that Spirits think alike us here in the physical world.  That all assumes that human logic and human law applies to the Spirit world....  It likely does not.  Not only is it a "different place" on the other side.... it's a totally different realm.   Things are done differently there.  More so than we can even comprehend.

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:
2 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 

But I think it's not a matter of not knowing what we have, but more of a matter of actually knowing what we have when we have it, but thinking that we're not going to lose it.

Jeff, i think you are right. My family and friends are continually telling me that i had a great last day with him and that is what i should focus on. Of course i went to bed thinking of tomorrow. Not the nightmare I’m in. My favorite verse and what we were sharing with each other those days leading to his death. 

1 Corinthians 13:13

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

 

 

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Jeff In Denver
1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

 

Lisaislost, it's just awful.  But when this happens, the love is still there and nothing can change that.  For me and my girlfriend, I hope that this is a temporary separation.

Regret and guilt are usually present with grieving.  That's just how it is.  We tend to blame ourselves for not knowing something when we didn't know it, which doesn't make any sense.  But this is not about logic.
 

 

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Why do i get a wave of panic for no reason? Walked in the door, sat down and this wave of heat and panic overtook me. How do i get it to stop? Deep breaths now! 

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Just now, Lisaislost said:

Why do i get a wave of panic for no reason? Walked in the door, sat down and this wave of heat and panic overtook me. How do i get it to stop? Deep breaths now! 

Taking deep breaths is definitely key to this.  As for getting it to stop?  I don't think you can nor do you want to.  Grief is very patient.  It can linger far away from your body for many years only to resurface when you are not ready.   So the only thing you want to do is to face it, process it, and let it do what it needs to.  The grief monster will always win.   There's no point to fight it.   Over time, the frequency, duration, and its intensity will be much less.    I still get waves every now and then.  But it pretty much subsides within 15-30 seconds or so......  I'm just talking about the waves though... not really my baseline.      You can also go out and take a walk around the block... maybe that will help.    In time, you will automatically figure out effective coping mechanisms for yourself.    So sorry for the wave of panic!  Hang in there.

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On 1/22/2018 at 10:13 AM, LoveD said:

I mean usually the visitation dreams happen around the two months after the love ones passing probably because the spirits need time to settle down to give us the dreams or we were too sad at the beginning and they couldn't get in our dreams.

I didn't even have a dream of him until 1-2 years after he died.  I couldn't understand it either because we were so close in life!  I couldn't understand why others got them and I didn't.  I learned it's not something within our control and to count it as a blessing if/when it came.  I have more now (12 1/2 years out) but not nightly by any means.  Maybe I was too in shock or something.

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I havent been here since early Dec. I was on grieve groups of facebook, its been over 2 months since I lost Ron, and I am beyond shattered and struggling to make sense of this so called LIFE we have to live in

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2 minutes ago, bea said:

I havent been here since early Dec. I was on grieve groups of facebook, its been over 2 months since I lost Ron, and I am beyond shattered and struggling to make sense of this so called LIFE we have to live in

Funny how everyone else calls this life but for us, it's just another day in our lifetime of misery.  We're all in a nightmare that we will not be able to wake up from.  I know how you feel because I do remember my 2nd month period vividly.   I was devastated and a big piece of me died when my wife left.   This is beyond crazy and I have no idea how I'm still surviving each day.   The only  thing that carries me through is believing that this is only a temporary separation and that I will be with her again.... hopefully soon.

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@bea  I'm glad you're back.  There IS no making sense of this.  There is only trying to absorb this, process it, and learning to do our life now and that takes time, much time and effort.  I've found that the grief work we put in...reading articles and books, going to a grief counselor, grief support group, grief forum, journaling, writing letters to our spouse, I even did art therapy, all of it helps.  Everyone has different coping abilities, different personalities, that comes in to play, so does our own personal resilience, but much of this is a struggle and as there's no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone, we have to work on finding our own path through this that works for us.  The timeline is different for all of us, don't let anyone pressure you, it takes what it takes.  It's not a year, it's not two years, it's the rest of our lives, but don't let that scare you, it doesn't stay the same, the intensity and pain lessens some as our grief evolves.  You will make your way through this.  (((hugs)))

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This morning I woke up and said, I'm done. I'm done with this. I'm not doing this anymore, he needs to come back. Enough. I am not going to do this anymore. But nothing changed--he's still gone, I am still sad and tired. God didn't send him back to me. It isn't a mistake. So I just went to work. 

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Michelene,

I think we've all felt that...nothing we can do but put one foot in front of the other, like someone here used to say.

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Update on my grief group...

Last night we were to bring a list of all our past losses. Could be job, friends, family, pets etc. We had to look at how we responded to those losses and what worked and didn't. The counselor said, that usually, a devasting loss like a spouse could bring back all of your old losses and actually grieve them. It was interesting because I had lost my dad 4 years ago and he was my rock as I was growing up. When my husband died, I really wished I had my dad to help me through it. It makes sense in so many ways. Now, I'm missing him and my mom along with my husband.

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It can compound, it's important to separate each one and grieve it, new ones can definitely bring up old losses!

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I am still trying to process that night, it was tough talking about all of my losses.

I was telling my friend that it's  amazing to me how people seem to be forgetting about me. Now truthfully, I wasn't one to ask for help ever. I was too proud. But i would love a quick note, email or text from someone just saying "thinking of you" I understand that people won't know what to say. I'm not asking for a conversation, just a check-in.  Are they forgetting about my husband? is his life being forgotten?  I hope not. I guess I'm just missing him and feeling bad. Our daughter is a junior in high school and I really wish he was here to bounce things off of. Teenagers are tough enough when you can tag team,  but I'm on my own trying to do the right thing. looking forward to Monday again so I can go back to work.

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4 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I am still trying to process that night, it was tough talking about all of my losses.

I was telling my friend that it's  amazing to me how people seem to be forgetting about me. Now truthfully, I wasn't one to ask for help ever. I was too proud. But i would love a quick note, email or text from someone just saying "thinking of you" I understand that people won't know what to say. I'm not asking for a conversation, just a check-in.  Are they forgetting about my husband? is his life being forgotten?  I hope not. I guess I'm just missing him and feeling bad. Our daughter is a junior in high school and I really wish he was here to bounce things off of. Teenagers are tough enough when you can tag team,  but I'm on my own trying to do the right thing. looking forward to Monday again so I can go back to work.

I share your pain.  People don't have the slightest clue to what we go through.  Some people actually think things get better after a few months because they think you get use to it.   By the time you hit 6 months, people think you're all over it for the most part.   Boy are they wrong!  The sad truth is that 99% of the people moving on and continue on with their life as soon as they hop into their car after leaving the funeral.    It's really just us, and perhaps family, who continues to grieve.   People just don't get it.

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@Lisaislost  I don't think they've forgotten him, they're just uncomfortable in the face of your grief.  I lost each and every one of my friends when George died, his family too, in short order.  I hear occasionally from his daughter, rarely from his son, on Facebook.  It amazed me how people disappear.  I would never do that to a friend, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it might be, it's bad enough to lose your spouse but to follow that with all your friends too is really tough.  At least my sisters have hung in there with me, and my kids, although they've been more absent as they've gotten older, my daughter hasn't been here in over two years and she just lives 1 1/4 hours away.  My son comes here about once a year and he's 2 1/2 hours away.  They get busy with their families and lives.  I've had to work hard at building friendships, young people are busy with their families and older people already have their established friends.  I made some very close friends, my best friend moved a few states away when she remarried, another "friend" turned out not to be, and another one lives about 1 1/2 hours away so we have contact more by phone than in person.  Still working on it, you can't ever give up even though it's hard, we need those contacts.

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I’ve strung a few good days together. Not good but compared to where i was functional. I still expect a text message or phone call from him. I wonder how long that will take until i realize it won’t happen? 

Missing him greatly today. I think heading into another month means one month further away from the last time he said he loved me! Thank god i have it in text messages. 

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I'm sure it's different for everyone (timeline) to where it sinks in to our subconscious mind that they aren't walking through that door, the phone ringing doesn't make our heart leap that it's them, and a car coming into the driveway isn't their's.  But I do remember, for me, it was easier when that quit happening because every time I looked up expecting to see him or hear his voice, it was a rude awakening all over again as I once again faced the inevitable.  

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4 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I’ve strung a few good days together. Not good but compared to where i was functional. I still expect a text message or phone call from him. I wonder how long that will take until i realize it won’t happen? 

Missing him greatly today. I think heading into another month means one month further away from the last time he said he loved me! Thank god i have it in text messages. 

Hi Lisa.  I get days where I miss my wife like crazy as well.  I do know that she loves me.  I'm sure all of our partners do.  Just because they are not physically here doesn't mean the love stops.    Like you, I still do take note each time I get through another month.  Tomorrow will be another one for me.  It sucks big time.    I just tell myself that I'm another month (or day for that matter) closer to being with my wife again.  It's a sad way to look at it, but it gives me a little bit of energy to continue forward.   I hope your day will get better!

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

Hi Lisa.  I get days where I miss my wife like crazy as well.  I do know that she loves me.  I'm sure all of our partners do.  Just because they are not physically here doesn't mean the love stops.    Like you, I still do take note each time I get through another month.  Tomorrow will be another one for me.  It sucks big time.    I just tell myself that I'm another month (or day for that matter) closer to being with my wife again.  It's a sad way to look at it, but it gives me a little bit of energy to continue forward.   I hope your day will get better!

Not sure our love ones know we are so sad without them and are they still missing us?  Probably not.  People say the alive ones are the most suffered.  Finished reading Jurgen Ziewe's book: Vistas of Infinity.  His OBE describes what afterlife looks like quite convincingly.  I recommend this book to anyone who wants to pursue spiritually.

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week 4- grief group.

our assignment this week was to look through magazines and newspapers and cut out words and photos that spoke to us. It was very interesting because i put Sorry above the coffee . Many of you know my husband died sleeping next to me and i have the guilt that i didn’t wake up sooner. And i would bring him coffee if he was awake but he didn’t wake up. I also included some other words and pictures but that was the one the therapist focused on. Needless to say, i cried all the way home. Next weeks assignment is to make a list of 5 things we can do for ourselves and see how many we actually do. 

2FB347B4-D687-4CE3-905C-164C87EEB78A.jpeg

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Lisa.  That looks beautiful.  I had an opportunity to create a few of those at Grief Art Workshop I attended.  Definitely keep it around.  In the future, you can look back at this and reflect on where you were in your grief when it was created.  It would be an interesting contrast to look back and compare to where you will be then.

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9 hours ago, LoveD said:

Not sure our love ones know we are so sad without them and are they still missing us?  Probably not.  People say the alive ones are the most suffered.  Finished reading Jurgen Ziewe's book: Vistas of Infinity.  His OBE describes what afterlife looks like quite convincingly.  I recommend this book to anyone who wants to pursue spiritually.

It is different once you cross over to the spiritual realm. Those that have OBEs would tell you that they did not want to come back, not at all.  I do feel our loved ones on the other side misses us, but it is a very different type of missing. They know that we will be joining them one day. And all they have to do is to wait for us. It then begs another question. There is no such thing as time on the other side. Time, is man made. In the spiritual realm, there is only the present. There is no past, no future.  Over on the other side, there is no sadness for their departure. They understand things that we don't.  They know that everything will be fine.  It's kind of like a young child crying... and we are the young child. The mother on the other hand, is like our loved ones over on the other side.  A mother is sadden by her baby's crys.  But the mother will always know that everything will be OK.  The mother doesn't cry in pain like how the child does.  I hope this makes sense.

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15 minutes ago, Azipod said:

It is different once you cross over to the spiritual realm. Those that have OBEs would tell you that they did not want to come back, not at all.  I do feel our loved ones on the other side misses us, but it is a very different type of missing. They know that we will be joining them one day. And all they have to do is to wait for us. It then begs another question. There is no such thing as time on the other side. Time, is man made. In the spiritual realm, there is only the present. There is no past, no future.  Over on the other side, there is no sadness for their departure. They understand things that we don't.  They know that everything will be fine.  It's kind of like a young child crying... and we are the young child. The mother on the other hand, is like our loved ones over on the other side.  A mother is sadden by her baby's crys.  But the mother will always know that everything will be OK.  The mother doesn't cry in pain like how the child does.  I hope this makes sense.

Well explained. Thanks, Azipod!

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