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Grieving my future


Lisaislost

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Yes, they are my rocks. It’s weird bc i have 2 sisters but for some reason, i feel closer to my husband when i reach out to them. Also, i know my husband would tell me to call on them bc of their faith. They have been incredibly helpful. 

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My husband came from an extremely dysfunctional family.  He continued learning throughout his life, they did not.  They have not been in my life since he died.  I know that would have disappointed him but I hardly think he could be surprised by it.  They were never there for him either.

I'm very glad you have your in-laws and I'm sure your relationship will continue, especially as you make effort to and let them know how important it is to you.  My husband's brothers are doing "life" on the installment plan (as he calls it...in and out of jail) and I am likely better off not being around them.

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My feelings of the New Year are very bittersweet. In one way , i can’t wait to put 2017 behind me. However, 2018 is a year that won’t include my husband. I spent a lot of time grieving my future and wondering what it holds for me. But i get really sad when i think that my husband only lived to 54. He never got his future that we planned. Spending the evening eating Chinese food and watching the 3 Stooges with my kids and my brother. Tomorrow will be another day to get through. I wish  you all a peaceful start to the new year. 

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My husband barely made it to 51, so I understand your feelings.  He never got to retire, he never even gave it much thought, he was too busy living!  Now I'm retired without him.

It does feel like we enter a new year without them, but the good thing is we realize they do come with us, they are still there in spirit form.  I wish for you peace...

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On 12/31/2017 at 2:57 PM, Lisaislost said:

My feelings of the New Year are very bittersweet. In one way , i can’t wait to put 2017 behind me. However, 2018 is a year that won’t include my husband. I spent a lot of time grieving my future and wondering what it holds for me. But i get really sad when i think that my husband only lived to 54. He never got his future that we planned. Spending the evening eating Chinese food and watching the 3 Stooges with my kids and my brother. Tomorrow will be another day to get through. I wish  you all a peaceful start to the new year. 

I just realized that for me, starting a new year doesn't seem to be as easy as I thought it would be.   A new year, for most, is seen as a new beginning.  New motivation, new goals, new adventures.   Sounds great and all .... except that then I quickly realize that it's a new time to begin another phase of life... without my wife.   2018 didn't welcome me with open arms that's for sure.

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On 1/1/2018 at 5:45 AM, KayC said:

My husband barely made it to 51, so I understand your feelings.  He never got to retire, he never even gave it much thought, he was too busy living!  Now I'm retired without him.

It does feel like we enter a new year without them, but the good thing is we realize they do come with us, they are still there in spirit form.  I wish for you peace...

My husband died from complications from a heart attack so i have sorrow that he was only one year away from retirement (I have 4 more to go). all the plans we made...such sorrow I have for him, although more for me. I have such guilt--I feel like I should have taken better care of him than i did, i keep going back to all the things I should have done, if i had only done this, I can't seem to remember the kindness and love and joy I had in our marriage, I can only seem to remember times I was unkind. My group counselor says that guilt is sometimes easier to bear than loss or sorrow. Maybe. I don't know how people do this. I go out to do errands and such and when people talk to me I am surprised, i feel like I don't exist. I can't foresee a life like this without him. I try to think and be grateful for the gift of life, and the gift of love, and be grateful that he is not going through this pain, but it still seems so so wrong and unfair. I'm still early enough (11/27/17) that i feel like this has been a horrible mistake, and needs to get straightened out. Magical thinking, I know. I miss him so.

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We had our share of bad moments. Everyone does. I started writing a journal and i have actually gone back and reread from a month ago.i looked at old pictures from a photo album and wrote about those days. It helps remind me that we did have great times together. I agree, my counselor said the same thing. When I’m mad or guilty, it doesn’t hurt as much. Like a protective shield. Keep the faith! 

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2 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

We had our share of bad moments. Everyone does. I started writing a journal and i have actually gone back and reread from a month ago.i looked at old pictures from a photo album and wrote about those days. It helps remind me that we did have great times together. I agree, my counselor said the same thing. When I’m mad or guilty, it doesn’t hurt as much. Like a protective shield. Keep the faith! 

It never dawn on me but it does make sense.  I do feel that if I am upset or have the "I  don't care" attitude, it basically brings that forward and puts the pain in the background.  It's just one of the many complex things about grief.   6-months for me now.  Can't believe how upsetting and painful this is....  that's just with the energy to make it through each day.  That doesn't even come with the more heavy thoughts about what I've missed and lost.  In other words, it's so painful just to feel the surface of the grief.   When I dig deep down, that's when it will consume me.

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2 hours ago, Michelene said:

My husband died from complications from a heart attack so i have sorrow that he was only one year away from retirement (I have 4 more to go). all the plans we made...such sorrow I have for him, although more for me. I have such guilt--I feel like I should have taken better care of him than i did, i keep going back to all the things I should have done, if i had only done this, I can't seem to remember the kindness and love and joy I had in our marriage, I can only seem to remember times I was unkind. My group counselor says that guilt is sometimes easier to bear than loss or sorrow. Maybe. I don't know how people do this. I go out to do errands and such and when people talk to me I am surprised, i feel like I don't exist. I can't foresee a life like this without him. I try to think and be grateful for the gift of life, and the gift of love, and be grateful that he is not going through this pain, but it still seems so so wrong and unfair. I'm still early enough (11/27/17) that i feel like this has been a horrible mistake, and needs to get straightened out. Magical thinking, I know. I miss him so.

Michelene, I can feel your pain just by reading your post.  I know.... there are no words to describe this tragedy. I can function as a person.  But like you, I do have a hard time keeping myself entertained when engaged in a conversation with another.  With strangers... forget it, I'm not interested in talking.   With friends and co-workers, I can hold a conversation for a few minutes before I get disinterested and just want to leave.   There's only a few people that I can have an extended conversation with.     Survivors guilt is a real thing -- it sounds like you're feeling some of this.   It's true that even though we all love our partners, we really don't know or appreciate what we have until they are gone.  This is entirely true for me.    Was I a bad husband?  Absolutely not.  But had I knew this day was coming, there would have been so  much more I would have done differently.  It's not a realistic thought, but I guess it's just normal human behavior.  

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Why am i having such a hard day today? Yesterday was good. I thought maybe i was progressing toward a little relief. I laughed at work and such. But when i awoke, i felt the sting of pain again. And i could cry at the drop of a hat. It’s only been 2 months, maybe reality is seeping in. My grief group starts next Wednesday, I’m actually Looking forward to it. Is that weird? Ugh 

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1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Why am i having such a hard day today? Yesterday was good. I thought maybe i was progressing toward a little relief. I laughed at work and such. But when i awoke, i felt the sting of pain again. And i could cry at the drop of a hat. It’s only been 2 months, maybe reality is seeping in. My grief group starts next Wednesday, I’m actually Looking forward to it. Is that weird? Ugh 

Oh, it's not weird at all.  During my earlier months, my grief support group was my safe haven.  It was a safe place for me to express my pain, sorrow, and anger. It was also an opportunity for me to see other people's losses -- which helps normalize our feelings a bit.... by having us understand that each person's loss is its own tragedy, and that everyone has a terrible story to tell.   In short, we are not alone.

I hope you will find it helpful and meet new people who you can walk together with on this terrible journey.  You can also do multiple grief support groups if available, because each group is unique in itself.  The make up of each group will also make a huge difference.

Would you be so kind to let us know how it goes for you?

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21 hours ago, Azipod said:

The make up of each group will also make a huge difference.

I feel lucky with the group I have, we seem to have a bond, have similar belief systems, we can truly share with each other and feel that kindred spirit.

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Lisa, I know how you are feeling about looking back with regret at the time you feel you might have wasted.  My dear husband had Parkinson's Disease and the last year was difficult for us because of the many problems that came with the disease.  We fought more in the last 6 months than we had in 30+ years.   I was his caregiver 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  It wasn't easy but I now look back and am glad that we had every minute together.  

I have tried to look and remember further back - before the changes in him and the difficulties we had.  I try to remember when we were very happy - before PD took over our lives.   We had good days and good times the last few years.  Those are the ones I try to focus on and remember.  

I pray that you can do the same.  

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I’m trying, i hope as time passes, the good will prevail. I took to writing in a journal and using photos of us to recall the day in words. It’s a good reminder of the fun times we had together. I also printed out text messages and emails he sent saying he loved me! I try to read them when my mind what’s to go to the negative. 

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7 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

I’m trying, i hope as time passes, the good will prevail. I took to writing in a journal and using photos of us to recall the day in words. It’s a good reminder of the fun times we had together. I also printed out text messages and emails he sent saying he loved me! I try to read them when my mind what’s to go to the negative. 

One thing which was discussed in my grief group which resonates well with me is how we need to develop a way to remember our loved ones.  Specifically, we need to develop our own way on how to incorporate them into our daily life.  If our body is not ready and the loss is recent, this may not really make sense because the emotions and the pain is too intense.  However, once your body and mind calms down a bit, this may make begin to make sense.   We need to figure out how we can go on each day, while we continue the love for our partners.   It's no longer physical relationship.  We need to develop a relationship that may be emotional, spiritual, or physicological.    I can't say I am any where close to figuring this out for myself.   But examples of carrying on each day with our loved ones in memories and in our heart may mean that we mediate, perhaps we look at their photos in the beginning of each day, perhaps we think about something we loved about them each day and what made them special.  Perhaps it may mean that we do some sort of ritual.  Whatever it may be, it is a method of loving, cherishing, and remembering our partners in a different way.  And being able to carry on each day knowing that we are still together with them in spirit.      Love never dies.

And printing out text messages and reading emails are prime examples of this too!   You will continue to develop your ways and figure out what feeds you.  And it is OK to feel that you no longer need to read text msgs/emails down the line.   Your body and mind will develop new ways to develop hunger for their prescence.

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We read scripture together the night he passed and we were going to continue this together. I have since been reading the Bible to his picture. It makes me feel that I’m keeping our promise. 

 

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We had a snowstorm today. My husband did our plowing. Now I’m at the mercy of other people. Just a constant reminder of how my life has changed. 

I’m trying to decide if having all of my husband’s things as he left them ,  a trigger? I was thinking of putting his things in Rubbermaids and label and put in the basement. Obviously not everything but I’m not sure if I’ll feel better or worse ugh! 

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11 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

We had a snowstorm today. My husband did our plowing. Now I’m at the mercy of other people. Just a constant reminder of how my life has changed. 

I’m trying to decide if having all of my husband’s things as he left them ,  a trigger? I was thinking of putting his things in Rubbermaids and label and put in the basement. Obviously not everything but I’m not sure if I’ll feel better or worse ugh! 

Oh Lisa.  I completely know how you are feeling.  It's a new life for us.  It's new, but not better.   Now, we take on new responsibilities and tackle other things that we did not have to do before.  It is not so much of the chores, but it's a huge adjustment to say the least.   Two of the things that hit me like a truck was when I folder my wife's laundry for the first time ... also when I watered her indoor plants for the very first time.    It's just a huge reminder that the reason why I am now doing those tasks is because she is no longer here to do it herself.

As for your husband's belongings, I'm not really sure.  For me, I consolidated most of the stuff my wife had scattered around the house to one place.  That way, I don't walk around seeing all of her things.  It was very hard for me to see her stuff knowing that she would never be back to use them.   It made me feel so empty.    I took a lot of her stuff and put it all in one place, and some things I put in her closet.   

Photos around the house on the other hand, did not bother me at all.   Having photos in the house actually makes me feel more comfortable because I'm seeing that she's still here, in our house.

You can do a little and see how things go for you.   Perhaps putting them all in one place as oppose to putting them all away is something you can try.   Down the road, you may be more comfortable with going through each item to see what you want to ultimately do with them ... that is to give it away, storage, or to put it to use.

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3 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I’m trying to decide if having all of my husband’s things as he left them ,  a trigger? I was thinking of putting his things in Rubbermaids and label and put in the basement. Obviously not everything but I’m not sure if I’ll feel better or worse ugh! 

My husband's cowboy hat is still on the table by the front door.   He had a man cave - not like most with team sports stuff.  His had his collections, music, guitars and just things he tinkered with all the time.    He has 8 more cowboy hats on display in there :) and about 2 doz baseball style caps.  I don't need the room for anything else so I'll probably leave it as it is for a long time.  I finally moved his clothing to the closet in there.  
This week I heard on the news about a shelter that is open for people who need a place to get out of the cold, a place to shower and get clean clothes and sleep.  I had 2 new air mattresses and I had bought some little fleece blankets on sale just in case I heard of someone who needed them.  So tonight I went in his closet and pulled out most of his coats, all the jackets and a bunch of long sleeve pullover shirts and sweatshirts.  Some jeans and shirts as well.  It's only been 6 months (yesterday) and I haven't felt ready to do this yet.  But I can't stand thinking of people who could be staying warm wearing his coats (and gloves) and still leave them in the closet.  I've been torn by this but made up my mind to just do it.  He was a pretty "snappy" dresser and loved his clothes and enjoyed "looking good."  I hope giving them to this newly opened shelter will help me feel better.  

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Lisa,

I love the responses you've gotten here, they're so right on.  Everyone finds their own way through grief because what is right for one person doesn't feel right for another, we're all unique.  I know in those early years I made a shrine, then took his pictures down, up, down, finally they were up to stay...it was all based off how it made me feel, if it brought me comfort or pain.  Those early months can be really hard.  As far as storing his things, there's no right or wrong way to handle it, only what feels right for you.  And if you put them all away and it doesn't feel right, you can get them all back out again.  Take your time getting rid of belongings though, that's permanent, and there's no hurry.  You'll know if or when it's time and what it should involve.  I remember cleaning out his trailer (he stayed in it near his job because it was a very long commute), it was agonizing!  Looking back I should have left it alone for at least a year and then only cleaned it out with my kids with me.  It was agonizing to tackle and you could hear my piercing cries/screams down the street!

There's no rules, it's what feels right to you.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Lisa,

I love the responses you've gotten here, they're so right on.  Everyone finds their own way through grief because what is right for one person doesn't feel right for another, we're all unique.  I know in those early years I made a shrine, then took his pictures down, up, down, finally they were up to stay...it was all based off how it made me feel, if it brought me comfort or pain.  Those early months can be really hard.  As far as storing his things, there's no right or wrong way to handle it, only what feels right for you.  And if you put them all away and it doesn't feel right, you can get them all back out again.  Take your time getting rid of belongings though, that's permanent, and there's no hurry.  You'll know if or when it's time and what it should involve.  I remember cleaning out his trailer (he stayed in it near his job because it was a very long commute), it was agonizing!  Looking back I should have left it alone for at least a year and then only cleaned it out with my kids with me.  It was agonizing to tackle and you could hear my piercing cries/screams down the street!

There's no rules, it's what feels right to you.

KayC, I cannot believe how much you have been through in the last 12-years!   It is interesting, in a positive way, to hear how many challenges you've tackled.  We can all learn a lot from your experiences.  Thank you for your continued efforts in sharing your insight and wisdom with us.

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Have any of you had crazy thoughts in early grief about doubting your partner’s Love. I don’t know if it’s because i don’t have him here for reassurance but it’s killing me. I am trying to daily to look at the positive but i can’t help when negative thoughts creep in. 

I had lunch with my mother in law and i think it put me in a funk. 

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1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Have any of you had crazy thoughts in early grief about doubting your partner’s Love. I don’t know if it’s because i don’t have him here for reassurance but it’s killing me. I am trying to daily to look at the positive but i can’t help when negative thoughts creep in. 

I had lunch with my mother in law and i think it put me in a funk. 

Like seemingly many here, my in laws are pretty dysfunctional people. Since my wife died they have said many hurtful things including that my wife wanted to leave me and that she didn’t love me. This used to get me pretty upset. But eventually, I cut them out of my life and realized that I was the one with Kayla every day. I was the one who heard her say I love you. I was the one she held until I fell asleep every night. I read through texts and Facebook messages and time after time I was reminded how much she loved me and always make sure I knew it. It hurts to not have her here anymore to say it out loud but I know it was real. I’m lucky enough to have a video on my phone of her saying I love you. I play it constantly. Just remember how much you loved each other and don’t let it go. It was real for you too.

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Thank you, i have text messages and emails and also a saved voice mail but something about seeing her put doubt in my head. I know she was jealous of our relationship because she has very unhappy in her marriage. She never gave me credit. I just have to remember our private conversations and not let her get to me. 

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That would be my advice. Also, try to make sure and save that vmail somewhere besides your phone. Get it onto a flash drive or your cpu or something. 

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I know 9 weeks isn’t a long time in this grieving process but i feel like I’ve taken a few steps backwards. While i am having less full on crying outbursts, i still have a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. Things that gave me comfort are now giving me anxiety. I wrote the other day about packing my husband’s things up. Storing them away, but then I’d have to deal with them down the road. 

 

My house is a mess too! I use to like to keep it clean but i have no desire to clean. But then i stare at the mess and it makes me crazy. Then i think maybe cleaning will be a good distraction. 

My guess is, all of this is normal grieving. I can’t  believe how hard this is. I have 2 daughters at home ages 17 and 18 so i have to keep moving for them. I think they’ve kept me from driving off a bridge. 

I find comfort in this forum because you all know how i feel but to be honest, some of your post make me sad. When i think of having these feelings years down the road, it doesn’t help with my grief. 

 

 

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16 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Have any of you had crazy thoughts in early grief about doubting your partner’s Love. I don’t know if it’s because i don’t have him here for reassurance but it’s killing me. I am trying to daily to look at the positive but i can’t help when negative thoughts creep in. 

I had lunch with my mother in law and i think it put me in a funk. 

The one thing I've never doubted is his love.  But this is a common enough grief response (for lack of a better term) that I'd say it's normal enough.  Just remind yourself of his love, the things that made you KNOW he loved you and realize, hear me loud and clear, the only difference between then and now is that his body gave out.  Period.  His love remains and continues, and just as your love for him continues to grow with time, so does his.  Believe that, stand on it, it is so!

 

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3 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

My guess is, all of this is normal grieving.

Oh, it is!

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Okay, crazy Lisa is back. Doubt is gone for now. But serous sadness has taken over. I keep thinking if i had woken up a little earlier then i might have been able to save him. He was unresponsive when i woke up and by the time the ambulance came, he was gone. Five minutes and he still could be here. I blocked that out until now. After i had my brush with doubt, i guess my brain decided to torment me with guilt. Yikes! This is painful. My daughter wanted to go out with her friends but i told her i didn’t think i could be alone. She understands but i feel bad. 

Starting my grief group Wednesday. 

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Lisa,

I don't know if you've read the two articles on guilt that I posted (page one in this thread), but I've found them to be of help.  You couldn't stay awake and watch to make sure your husband was okay all of the time and the truth is, if it was to be another way, it would have happened that way, you are not responsible for it!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time...I reckon that's to be expected at this point, it's hard, so hard, to do this journey.  It is good for your daughter to get out, she may need that, is there a friend you could call to come over and be with you when she's gone?  I'm glad your grief group will start tomorrow.  Our group has been close and been there for each others, not only during the sessions, but outside of them as well, I hope it is as helpful for you.

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yes I did read them early on but I think I need to revisit. Thank you!

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Lisa,

I wish this journey was easier, it's the hardest thing I've had to tackle in life, but it's not all horrible, I've actually gleaned some good from it.  Not enough that I wouldn't wish George back in a heartbeat though!

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33 minutes ago, KayC said:

Lisa,

I wish this journey was easier, it's the hardest thing I've had to tackle in life, but it's not all horrible, I've actually gleaned some good from it.  Not enough that I wouldn't wish George back in a heartbeat though!

I've learned a lot too.   I've realized how much strength, courage, passion, and love I have inside my body.   In the many years to come (sigh), I'm sure these areas will develop into something a lot more than what it is today.  That said though, I did not wish for these and I would take my wife (and the old me), back in an instance!

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On 1/7/2018 at 5:03 AM, Lisaislost said:

I know 9 weeks isn’t a long time in this grieving process but i feel like I’ve taken a few steps backwards. While i am having less full on crying outbursts, i still have a pit in my stomach that won’t go away. Things that gave me comfort are now giving me anxiety. I wrote the other day about packing my husband’s things up. Storing them away, but then I’d have to deal with them down the road. 

I find comfort in this forum because you all know how i feel but to be honest, some of your post make me sad. When i think of having these feelings years down the road, it doesn’t help with my grief. 

Lisa, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about the pain and the sorrow.  I remember vividly where I was around my 9 week mark.  It was not pretty nor can I even imagine backtracking back to those days.   It is tough.  The only thing that I can say is that in time, this phase will blow by and there will be other areas of grief, which are less intense, that you will have to deal with.   It's not going to be better, but just different.

One of the things I've realized too by coming onto this forum, is hearing and seeing over and over again that grief will take time.... a lot of it.  It's YEARS, perhaps even a lot more than that.   Grief is an ever going thing in our new life, it is going to be a constant learning and adjusting for us for the rest of our lives.   It's not fun.  And yes, it all sounds SO SCARY to me too...  and I'm a guy.

Presently, I'm existing just to exist each day.  I've reached a point where I know I can survive.  I know I can survive today, this week, and very likely, this month.   Before, I can't look more than a day or two ahead.    Is it easier?  Yes, life gets easier.   Is it better?   No, because my wife still isn't here.

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Is this a cruel joke?  my daughter texted me at work to tell me the refrigerator stopped working. I had to leave my classroom and cry in the bathroom. Just a reminder that I’m alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks and it’s only a refrigerator. Prayers please ! 

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1 hour ago, Lisaislost said:

Is this a cruel joke?  my daughter texted me at work to tell me the refrigerator stopped working. I had to leave my classroom and cry in the bathroom. Just a reminder that I’m alone. It hit me like a ton of bricks and it’s only a refrigerator. Prayers please ! 

You are not alone!  After my husband passed away, my printer suddenly died.  I had to rush to get a new one for my daughter's homework.  The neighbor put a dent in my car and didn't want to go through insurance.  I had to locate the cheapest dealer to have it fixed and pursue payment from her.  My electrical fuse got problem causing part of the home without electricity and I didn't know how to switch it back.  I intensively contacted almost 10 electrical technicians, only found one could come to my home to fix it.  All these frustrations added to my grief and I cried miserably during the processing.  I wondered why all these problems showed up after my husband was gone.

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Lisa,

I remember when my computer died (after George did, at some point) and my son told me, "There's nothing broke that can't be fixed" and that helped my anxiety.  I've had to face many such things without George by my side, freezer gave out, refrigerator gave out, computer, printers, vehicles, roofs, ramp, porch, loss of jobs, etc. etc.  I had to face loss of mom alone.  Loss of pets.

There's repairmen to call for refrigerators, and if it's too expensive to fix, try Sears for a new one.  I got mine there for $346.  I got my freezer for under $500.  St. Vinnie's sells refurbished ones.  You'll get through this, deep breath!!  We're here rooting for you and know you can handle anything you have to, you just may not feel like it!

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On a positive note, my refrigerator only blew a fuse. Still a bitter reminder of my new life. Last night I invited our pastor over. I was telling him that I am continually praying for peace and comfort. I want to get negative thoughts of doubt and guilt out of my head.   He stressed to me that it was important to keep praying and to keep reading scripture. Eventually, God's love will fill me. I am hopeful that I will receive his grace and peace.

I start my bereavement group tonight. I will keep you updated on my progress and thoughts.

 

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I started my grief group last night. It was tough listening to all of the stories of loss and love. I have to say i had a bad night sleeping so I’m wondering if the sadness from the group just compounded my own. The facilitator said that we would feel sad today but as we moved forward with our meetings, we would experience other feelings too. 

Next week we are suppose to bring a photo of our spouse so we can share it with the group. And we can get an understanding of who we are talking about. 

I started yesterday on a positive note. I walked outside and noticed the beautiful sky. I cooked a “ real” dinner. But now I’ve slid back to sadness. It’s tough and i know it’s a roller coaster ride. 

Still praying continually for peace! 

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I'm glad that's all it was, a fuse.  I hope you don't have any more problems with it.

Keep trying the group, it shouldn't always be woe and sadness, but some victories and learning as well.  If it stay the same talk to the leader about it.  Is she introducing some materials to the group?  There's so much available!  I wish you were here so you could go to my group!

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15 minutes ago, KayC said:

 I wish you were here so you could go to my group!

Me too!

i can’t get out of my head today. I’m totally distracted and can’t focus on anything. I want to run away and hide. I’m sad, mad and anxious all at the same time. I’ve never used medication but I’m thinking it might combat this anxiety. 

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7 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

I started my grief group last night. It was tough listening to all of the stories of loss and love. I have to say i had a bad night sleeping so I’m wondering if the sadness from the group just compounded my own. The facilitator said that we would feel sad today but as we moved forward with our meetings, we would experience other feelings too. 

Next week we are suppose to bring a photo of our spouse so we can share it with the group. And we can get an understanding of who we are talking about. 

I started yesterday on a positive note. I walked outside and noticed the beautiful sky. I cooked a “ real” dinner. But now I’ve slid back to sadness. It’s tough and i know it’s a roller coaster ride. 

Still praying continually for peace! 

The grief groups were my lifeline during my earlier months.  I am so glad that you found a group in your area and wish you the best to find comfort there.   I know it can be tough listening to other losses.  For me, listening to other losses helped me realized that I am not alone, and that there are other people that seemingly have been through perhaps a tragedy that seems worst than mine.   Either way, just be open to the exercises and program whatever the faciliator has for you.  After a few sessions, you may even find someone there that you can  relate to and you may be able to support each other in this grueling journey.    There will be weeks when you see your group shifting.  In other words, some weeks, some people may be doing OK while others may be at a low.  After a few weeks, the position changes.    If there is more than one group in your area, I would check out the others as well.  I've met a lot of new buddies from various groups and we still maintain contact and keep in touch.   The groups have been very helpful for me.  I'm so glad you took this step forward!!

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23 hours ago, Lisaislost said:

Me too!

i can’t get out of my head today. I’m totally distracted and can’t focus on anything. I want to run away and hide. I’m sad, mad and anxious all at the same time. I’ve never used medication but I’m thinking it might combat this anxiety. 

I have been on anti-anxiety medicine for years, should have been on it all my life as I also have GAD but grief seems to have intensified it.  My medicine is safe and lowest dose so it doesn't totally alleviate it but it takes the edge off, makes it a bit more manageable without being robotic, you know?  You might want to talk to your doctor about it, but research whatever is prescribed to make sure it's something you want.  I'm on Buspirone (generic of Buspar).  My anxiety affects my sleep or I'd consider doing without it, but then I used to get panic attacks, if you have those you'll definitely want to consider a medicine, they are not fun!

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I am struggling today with sadness. I think the weekends are tough because it was when we saw each other most. I thought i passed the stage of wanting to join him but today it has returned. It’s crazy, I’m sitting here with our beautiful daughters yet i can’t help feeling so alone. 

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4 minutes ago, Lisaislost said:

I am struggling today with sadness. I think the weekends are tough because it was when we saw each other most. I thought i passed the stage of wanting to join him but today it has returned. It’s crazy, I’m sitting here with our beautiful daughters yet i can’t help feeling so alone. 

Lisa,

This was one of my many prior bigger challenges.   It would begin when Friday late afternoon arrived.   The thought of beginning a weekend without my wife was so unbearable.  Weekends (beginning Friday nights) were our personal time. Although we saw each other everyday, it was the weekend where we truly let go of all of our work responsibilities and tended to things at home, together.    When I lost my wife, every Friday afternoon was the beginning of a struggle.  While everyone at the office is cheering and are in happy spirit because of the upcoming weekend, I was the grumpy sad fellow who could have cared less for it.    At that time, weekends just meant time being alone, and it is a constant reminder of what my life is now that my wife is no longer here.   It's a terrible sad sad feeling.

Over many months, I have gotten use to this and the feelings are more manageable these days.   It's not great, but it's much better than before.  Perhaps there's a bit of me now that actually welcomes the weekend -- mainly it's because it's my own time and not have to worry about work.    So perhaps it's slowly getting back to before.        But I absolutely know how it feels.

The only real thing you can do is to fill your weekends with activities.  Perhaps you can do things with your daughters.  Or if you are not already, begin to get more involved in their activities and hobbies.   These are very basic suggestions and I'm sure you're already figuring this out.   I just want to let you know that I absolutely know how it feels.    The sadness is overwhelming and the feeing of being alone, and being "stuck" in both the situation and feeling of being lost is not pleasant. 

I wish you a better and peaceful weekend!!

 

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my best friend is trying to get me out to yoga. I know i should go but it’s hard to go out. I’m planning a trip to North Carolina to visit my brother in April. It will be my 20th anniversary and i know i won’t want to be home. 

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Grief has its waves, waves of feeling the depths of despair, and then feeling somewhat okay, only to be knocked down again.  I've learned to ride the waves, knowing tomorrow I'll have different feelings than today, and hanging on for the ride.  It's a hard thing to get through, I take each day, each moment, as it comes.  

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

Grief has its waves, waves of feeling the depths of despair, and then feeling somewhat okay, only to be knocked down again.  I've learned to ride the waves, knowing tomorrow I'll have different feelings than today, and hanging on for the ride.  It's a hard thing to get through, I take each day, each moment, as it comes.  

I pray the waves come less often as time passes! 

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