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Jaxx

He's just gone!!!

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I am so sad to hear the tragic stories on here of the loss of loved ones. I send my deepest sincere condolence for the loss expressed and wish i never did know how you feel. 

The love of my life took his own life on 21st November two days after my birthday. It wasn't his first attempt. I had talked him down from deaths door so many times over the past three years. and the last attempt three months ago seemed certain he would end after jumping from a 30ft underpass onto traffic. He didn't die but ended up in hospital with a broken arm and leg.  i had broken up with him six months before he jumped because i just couldn't cope with it any more; but my love for him stayed the same.  Isn't that strange how love doesn't change! 

He had talked about suicide since we met and had already tried. i always knew he was serious and so whenever he threatened it when he felt bad or after an argument or after we broke up i still jumped from whatever i was doing to take care of him.  He ended up in hospital after the last jump and finally on anti psychotic medication and he seemed balanced and hopeful. he didn't die but lived to tell the tale and then talked about life and a future believing god had saved him for a reason. he was hopeful and asked me to marry him which i said yes after he got better and out of hospital.


In hospital he requested to be sectioned for six months for his own safety. His request was denied and the hospital offered him 7 days. he felt trapped and exposed constantly being watched on a psych ward behind a glass screen. he felt demoralised as a man and had become heavy and lethargic in contrast to his prior athletic physique. he told me he was leaving hospital the next day and couldn't stay there. he asked would i come and pick him up. I told him to stay and see a doctor and get assessed first. the hospital let him go without question. a suicidal man with a broken arm and leg with a ton of medications and other very serious health problems including bi polar and hearing voices.  he called me that day and asked me to come and see him and i said no. i got annoyed with him for leaving hospital because as soon as he left it seems the voices returned to haunt him. he then called me and told me he was standing in front of a train and about to jump when the train driver saw him and slowed down. then he said you dont plan it when its really happening you just do it. I called the hospital a hundred times and the police to alert them. i was 200 miles away and i couldn't get to him or even try. I had been down this road so many times and i literally had nothing left, it was like rubbing salt in an open wound. I just couldn't hear any more threats of death and suicide it was a very physical reaction. I called him and text him all day and night and through sheer frustration and fear tried to keep him with me but eventually the phone went dead. I could keep imagining what would happen if i did get there. could i have saved his life and got him back to hospital. The police and hospital did nothing, they just put me down as an hysterical person when i called them in state of panic after his last threat. I wrote to the hospital after midnight to put my concerns on record. It would be three days before i got the call from the police to say they found his body.

He really did it!

The hospital wrote to me informing me that a body had been pulled out of the thames river matching his description and they were very sorry. thank god i already knew from the police before reading that email. 

When i saw him at the morgue a week later i just knew in that moment that nothing i did would have changed his story. 

This was his life and it hurts so much to feel I wasn't enough for him to stay. I imagine every detail of his last hour and wonder what was he thinking and why did he leave me. why couldn't he see how much i loved him...Its like every single last minute of his life is played out in my mind over and over and over searching for a detail that could have changed the way things went. If only i had driven to him that night he would be here.

i feel so helpless but nothing will bring him back now. 

I am angry with the hospital and the lack of care in general to people suffering so much inside through mental health. After reading so many stories on this forum (which has actually really helped me a lot) i see that mental health is a huge drive to suicide. I will love him and cherish every special moment we had and always feel blessed to have met and been loved by such an amazing person who saved me in every way possible. There are so many stages to grief ... I've been writing to him every day since i found out and telling him everything that i feel and whats been going on since he left;  reliving our memories and trying to recapture every single day that we spent laughing and loving each other and fighting. I fly kicked him once outside kings cross station. He loved to wind me up and get a reaction. He thought a strong reaction proved my love. He always knew the right buttons to press.

Writing helps me to keep him close and never let his memory fade from my life. RIP to my beautiful man. I will never forget you.

Thanks for listening and sharing. 

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I am so very sorry for your loss. It truly is a nightmare and your life has changed forever.  You will go through so many ups and downs but as the years ago by you do find a new norm and the intense pain will lessen. 

Be gentle and good to yourself. Don't blame yourself or feel guilt. He was a troubled soul and did not have the strength to cope with life or his emotions. Now, he is safe and secure with our Heavenly Father.

Be sure to take as much time as you need to cry, sleep and pray.Seek out counseling,  a support group, join a gym and exercise and talk about it with whoever will listen until you are sick of talking about it. 

It will take a long time to begin to heal but as I said things will get tolerable again. Have faith in your strength and know that we are here if you need to talk.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  May God wrap his arms around you and give you comfort, peace and strength. 

Sincerely, Sherry. 

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Dear Sherry,

 

Thanks for your kind message. Talking about him is all i want to do. People get bored and think grieving lasts only a few days/weeks.  i just wish he was home and here with me now. its like waves of grief washing over me and the finality of his death means i will never ever see him again. thats just so hard to deal with. does the pain ever really go away?

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Dear Jaxx, 

My heart breaks for you. I so remember the extreme pain. It is still so new and raw for you. 

Talking about him and the tragedy will help you so much. I went to some counseling but the thing that helped most was my amazing co-workers. I know i talked their ears off and cried and cried for at least a year. They were patient and understanding and I forever grateful. It has been 5 years this month since my Mother shot herself and my daughter and I found her so that is an image forever in my head.

Yes, the confusion and pain does lessen and a new norm, a new routine will develop. As I said previously,  be so good to yourself. Your nerves and emotions have been shattered into a million pieces and they are now slowly trying to heal. Don't hesitate to ask for help. Like I said he is safe and secure now with God and would want you to carry on a enjoy this life he was incapable of being happy in.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I have faith in you. You are a survivor and have already proven how strong you are and have had to be.

It will get better,  please hold on.

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Dear Jaxx,

I am so sorry to read of your story and about your loss. I can only imagine how painful and frustrating it would be to endure that with your significant other. I am thankful that you were able to have a moment of clarity in which you realized there was nothing more you could have done. I know it feels as though there would be, but one person cannot choose life for another person. Mental struggles are like a black hole, always eating more of what we loved ones pour in. It is so discouraging to know we couldn't do enough, we did not have control. But take heart in the love you shared. You will come to treasure the good memories so much as you carry on and continue to release some of the hurt.

You are not alone. I lost my mom to suicide and her whole life was a very sad, burdened and reduced life. But I am thankful for my time with her and the love we shared. The pain lessens with time but there is a sadness than remains. Sometimes you don't want the sadness to go away, because it reminds you how deeply you loved the person you lost. It is not such a bad thing in that way, but that is different from the crushing, overwhelming, sharp pangs of grief. When you have bad days, make reasonable goals for yourself that day, and try to accomplish them. Feel no shame in having hard times, but try to carry on as best you can on the hard days. Write down how you feel and talk to others on those hardest of days. They will begin to be fewer and farther between with time.

Love, peace and comfort to you. You are in my prayers. May God watch over you and your family during this time.

Nathan L.

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