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How I've kept myself alone nearly all my life (unintentionally)


Gabriel8

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   My twelfth year of life was momentous for reasons outside of the fact that I was leaving behind childhood for adolescence. Unfortunately, this was how old I was (trigger warning) when my mother, who was a fierce alcoholic, took her life. With her suffering at an end, I thought that maybe my life could have the peace and stability that I had briefly known as a young child. 

   Things didn't settle down like I had wished they could. At school and home, I started a retreat from people and life that has lasted up until just recently (I am now 34 years old). I realized the way that I started, as a twelve-year-old, to (unintentionally) keep myself alone. I told myself that none of my childhood friends had been through having an alcoholic parent who took their life, so then it was no use trying to connect with them. I told myself that because none of them would understand the pain I was in, then it was no use having them as friends. 

   Looking back on this belief that I chose to isolate myself, I can't help but admire it's elegant simplicity and effectiveness. As a tool for keeping myself from experiencing again the pain of losing someone close to me, this belief was a sure thing. Partly it was so resilient, even over my adolescence and adulthood, because it was partially true; most people haven't experienced the type of trauma and loss that I knew so well at such a young age. What I didn't recognize and acknowledge was the fact that my friends up until that point, and people in general, didn't have to know my specific pain to be supportive and caring. 

   Over twenty years later and a lifetime away from that awful time in my life, I am realizing that I still use this belief to keep myself from the risk of getting close to anyone. I've been able to realize this because I've had just enough recovery to start taking the chance of sharing my genuine thoughts and feelings with the few people who I am somewhat close to. To my great surprise, the response that I have received has been much more receptive than I could have anticipated. After all these years of assuming that no one will "get" me, and playing it safe by saying what I thought others wanted to hear; I have risked being authentic just enough to encounter the reality that my thoughts and feelings aren't that strange or different from most anybody I meet. And, if I give them half a chance, most people will not only relate to what I have to say, but will appreciate my unique outlook! 

   So, after having devised a remarkably creative way, as a boy, to isolate myself from others, I am at long last untangling the denial that was necessary to keep that belief in place. It turns out that the world isn't full of people who can't "get" me or appreciate who I am; but actually a great many people who would like to get to know me, if I give them half a chance. 

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