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Losing my mum and need some support


Lucy999

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I’m so sorry to post this here but the other forum hadn’t been very active and I’m struggling like you wouldn’t believe right now and I’m sure there must be people here who’ve just faced this and I just need some help from people going through or having just gone through this. My beautiful mum has kidney failure and is in very end stages, have kissed her goodbye tonight and held her hand nearly all day and she’s become more confused and in pain as the day has gone on. I’ve never felt such pain and am in absolute bits as I know this is the end. Her oxygen is dropping now but to see her in so much pain and so confused is heartbreaking. How do you cope afterwards? I can’t stabd to see her like this it’s so cruel for such a beautiful and wonderful Mum. We have said our goodbyes but I know I needed to come home and sleep before going back tomo but I dread I won’t be there when she needs me. Oh god I just want to be with her forever. So sorry to post here and not on the other page but I’m in absolute bits. Any words of advice would be warmly received. I am on my own which doesn’t help but she’s my world. Xx

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Dear Lucy,

Sending you love and hugs. Thinking of you and your beloved mum during this difficult time. I know its really hard right now. Try to be kind to yourself and if you need more support don't be afraid to ask the nurses and see what other supports the hospital could offer. I want you to know we are all here for you. Big hugs to you.

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Dear Lucy,

I know how you feel because I've been there.  Watching my mother deteriorate in the hospital and watch her go in and out of consciousness.  To be honest being in hospital every day with her was painful and difficult but no where near as painful as it is now.  After she passed I was in shock for months.  I was very close to my mother.  We spoke every day.  It has devastated my life losing her.  I want you to know we will be here for you.  There is nothing to do now.  You are doing what you are meant to be doing, sitting next to her.  I know you are beside yourself now, I wish I could tell you what to do to ease your pain but there is nothing, you're doing it.  We will be here as you need to talk.  Thinking of you.

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Thank you both so much for your words. It's so helpful to talk to people having gone through this. Today she's been very unresponsive but first thing we did Christmas and she just kept saying book as she'd bought me this amazing book on wildlife photography. Then she went into a more unresponsive stage this afternoon but I thought I'd play her favourite songs and she shouted out 'George Benson' and at one point for a few seconds she sung along. Then I had to feed her and she just kept twitching. Nurse really annoyed me at one point and just felt myself getting so angry. Then when I said goodbye to mum and said I'd be back shortly - she actually kissed me goodbye so she knew I was there. I 'm still in  bits but thank you again and I wish none of us were on here but I appreciate the support you'll be able to give I really do. x

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I’m so sorry you have to go through this.  My uncle passed away last month and it was absolutely horrible to watch and witness.  I thought as you that it was very cruel.  Although I cared for my uncle, I wasn’t as emotionally close to him as my father who passed a year ago.  My father passed away in his sleep and although we knew the end was near, and had that time to talk and say what needed to be said, I was not there when he finally passed.  I was there when my uncle passed.  Having experienced both deaths, my uncle’s death was much more traumatic for me from a pure active death perspective. I know I would not have been able to witness my father go through what my uncle went through.  And I know my uncle would have hated me witness his death.  I felt the need to be there for him, so I’m glad I was there but I’m also glad I was spared from witnessing my dad’s death too.  If I was there I don’t think my dad would have gone peacefully in his sleep.  

I’m sharing all of this just to say do as much as you personally can for your mother, which you already are, try to make her as comfortable as possible, but also take care of yourself too.  If you need to leave just to take a break, then don’t feel any guilt for doing so.  If your mom passes when you are not there, that it is also okay.  What ever is meant to happen will happen.  I know your mom is very proud of you. They say the dying often have a say in whether they want loved ones to witness their deaths, often choosing to pass just shortly after their family members leave to take a break.  

My heart goes out to you.  Take strength knowing you are doing everything you can for your mother.  

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Hi All, 

thank you so much for your lovely words advice and support, my beautiful mum passed away Tuesday morning with me by her side having slept on a deck chair next to her all night hand in hand and heads only about 20cm apart. I will check in later but in a state of shock especially after what I witnessed towards the end. Heartbroken. X

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Dear Lucy999,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  Even when you are expecting it, when it happens it feels surreal.  I said before it takes a while to even process the shock before the real grieving begins.  The raw pain is brutal.  Thinking of you.  We are here reading your words for when you are ready.  

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