hello all and blessings to you

[KarenBnP]

I found my way here in hope to help a wonderful person, my best friend and one of the best people I know. She is loving and precious to me. 

I wanted to post about my own loss and how it devastated me. 

my story is a long one and full of ptsd. i was abused as a child and when i found the courage to tell my mother about it, she chose to not believe it. My mother, throughout my life was a loving and caring mother, and I do not think she knew how to deal with what happened to me when i told her. I have forgiven her that, because the sum total of my mother was a wonderful loving woman of whom i am proud to be her daughter. I lost her after my brother passed with lymphoma in '96. barely one year later my mother passed of pancreatic cancer. I was devastated with my brother's loss, and just as much with the loss of mom.  She chose a horrible man to marry before my brother got sick. In the end, I was left begging at their house for just a chance to see her. she was on hospice care at that time and i had ruined any chance of seeing her from her husband who was an alcoholic. I was given 5 minute with her with police in the next room after my actions that day. I have never felt more alone and powerless than at that moment. It has affected me to this day, i was alone and powerless to do anything but tell her in her inebriated state of morphine that I loved her and would endlessy so. This and so much of my life, via bad choices i made for myself as an adult , for my inability to help the ones i loved...devastated me. I live with that every day. I hate myself. I hate that i am weak and ineffectual. I got into a drug, crack, years later, as a method i think of trying to cope. My girlfriend, who at the time, was addicted...i wasnt, gave me the opportunity to try this drug. It was awessome in its sick ways...immediate euphoria. I found myself in the lowest point in my life then. Embarrassed and weak. I finally said i need help. I found strength and went into rehab at a state-run facility.  I have not once relapsed and I have my 10 yr sober from that drug this next year 2018. I am an alcoholic still though and am actively seeking help for that from encouragement my best-loved friend. She has given me such encouragement to change my life that I cannot thank her enough. 

I want every one here to know, your are your light, you are your care , you are your own savior if you want...blessing to all, love and light to all, may you forever be blessed with the recognition that you can change your life and heal from your sadness. I BELIEVE IN YOU!

in loving kindness, Karen

[reader]

Dear Karen,

Thank you for sharing your story with us and giving us all hope and encouragement. It is much needed in this world.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[sadandlost]

Dear Karen,

Thank you for sharing your story.  I'm so sorry for your losses and the pain and suffering you have been through in your life.  I had a friend who was sexually abused by her step father for years.  She left home at a young age.  She didn't tell her mother until her 20's, her mother didn't believe her. she stayed with him and chose him over her.   In her 30's she started to rebuild her relationship with her mother.  It is still difficult decades later.  I admire she has survived such pain.  I admire you also because what you've been through is horrific and people don't understand how it corrodes your whole being.  You have shown tremendous courage Karen getting help, staying clean and rebuilding your life.  Thank you for sharing your story and wishing you all the very best.