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Francine

One Year Later - I'm still here

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I still cant believe my baby is gone, this cant be real. I feel like I'm waiting for some sign from him, I cant do this without him. I hate not hearing from him.

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19 hours ago, bea said:

I still cant believe my baby is gone, this cant be real. I feel like I'm waiting for some sign from him, I cant do this without him. I hate not hearing from him.

I'm right there with you.  This is a difficult day for me; I'm learning what the up and down days really are and this is a *downer* for me.  Perhaps being alone in the house is stirring up those happier times when as long as Charles and I were together, we didn't need anyone else. We were both whole just being with one another; now I'm not whole anymore; I'm broken and can't be fixed, (like humpty dumpty).   I feel I should be comforted in knowing that Charles is in heaven, free from all pain, and sufferings and yet all I feel is own personal hell without him.   Losing our husbands is indescribably difficult, but, we can take comfort in knowing that they are safe, at peace, and in the presence of God, no longer concerned by all of the many worries of this God-forsaken, fallen world, but resting in the arms of the Savior.

One of the toughest parts about life—even if it does last forever—is when a loved one passes on. We miss their bodily presence, their hug, and voice—in short, all the physical attributes that we associate with them.  They were and are much more than skin, muscle, organs, and bones. That was only their earth-suit, their outward disguise that housed their indestructible essence for a while.  It’s difficult when they transition, but try to think of it as them completing  earth-school.  Life is never-ending, but ever-changing; and hopefully this knowledge will allow you to experience the sadness and pain associated with loved ones dying, but at the same time, feel joy that they graduated and went Home to be with the Lord.   We can know without a doubt that they have happily escaped from a world of great sorrow and pain, and we can console ourselves, knowing they will no longer have to suffer; that they are in total peace.  We can trust God on this.  We can believe HIS word, and can enjoy the memories of the time shared with our loved ones until we see them again in Heaven. As difficult a day I am having, deep within I know this to be true. 

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19 hours ago, bea said:

I still cant believe my baby is gone, this cant be real. I feel like I'm waiting for some sign from him, I cant do this without him. I hate not hearing from him.

I'm right there with you.  This is a difficult day for me; I'm learning what the up and down days really are and this is a *downer* for me.  Perhaps being alone in the house is stirring up those happier times when as long as Charles and I were together, we didn't need anyone else. We were both whole just being with one another; now I'm not whole anymore; I'm broken and can't be fixed, (like humpty dumpty).   I feel I should be comforted in knowing that Charles is in heaven, free from all pain, and sufferings and yet all I feel is own personal hell without him.   Losing our husbands is indescribably difficult, but, we can take comfort in knowing that they are safe, at peace, and in the presence of God, no longer concerned by all of the many worries of this God-forsaken, fallen world, but resting in the arms of the Savior.

One of the toughest parts about life—even if it does last forever—is when a loved one passes on. We miss their bodily presence, their hug, and voice—in short, all the physical attributes that we associate with them.  They were and are much more than skin, muscle, organs, and bones. That was only their earth-suit, their outward disguise that housed their indestructible essence for a while.  It’s difficult when they transition, but try to think of it as them completing  earth-school.  Life is never-ending, but ever-changing; and hopefully this knowledge will allow you to experience the sadness and pain associated with loved ones dying, but at the same time, feel joy that they graduated and went Home to be with the Lord.   We can know without a doubt that they have happily escaped from a world of great sorrow and pain, and we can console ourselves, knowing they will no longer have to suffer; that they are in total peace.  We can trust God on this.  We can believe HIS word, and can enjoy the memories of the time shared with our loved ones until we see them again in Heaven. As difficult a day I am having, deep within I know this to be true. 

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On 12/7/2017 at 9:42 AM, KayC said:

It is common in grief to have our very faith shaken to the core, but it usually returns as our clarity of mind begins to return and we see that God didn't set out to ruin our life but rather we have mortal bodies that give out...there will be a time for "forever" and no more goodbyes, and I look forward to being reunited with George when that time comes for me.  Meanwhile, God is with me as I go through this and I hope you can feel Him bolstering you in the years to come.

Of course you don't see a purpose, your purpose died along with him.  It will take much time to process his death, more time yet to build a life for yourself that you can live, and even more time to find purpose in your life.  It won't ever be like "before", but it can be livable, doable, and even some moments of joy along the way.  I pray for good things to come your way, no matter how small, so you can see that glimmer.  When they do, try not to compare them to before, that is self-defeating, but try to embrace whatever good you can see, no matter how small, no joy is insignificant as we begin to live in the present and appreciate what is today.  I began this practice on day 11 and it has been life changing for me.  I wouldn't be where I am today without this practice of living in the present and practicing gratitude.  Sometimes it's hard to see beyond our pain and resentment, but the more we practice this, and yes it does take concerted effort, the more we begin to experience improvement in our outlook.  Oh God I know this sounds pollyannaish, I'm sorry, but it's not, it's very real and very vital to our grief recovery...which isn't something we're ever "over", but a lifelong process that we adapt to.

Thank you. I will try to look at things that way..i just feel so anxious all the time..waiting for something ..and not knowing what the hell i'm waiting on?? I hate this life

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16 hours ago, Francine said:

I'm broken and can't be fixed, (like humpty dumpty)

I remember writing that in the early days after losing George...I felt like Humpty Dumpty, and all the king's horses, and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty together again.  It's a very apt description of how we feel. 

We DO feel glad they've met their reward, graduated, if you will.  We ARE glad they're out of their suffering.  BUT, we have our own feelings to deal with too, and WE are lonely, missing them, scared, hurting, and so much more that is indescribable, and all of our feelings are valid and real.  We can feel conflicting things at once, and we do.  A part of me is glad for him, but also jealous that he escaped this suffering that I am going through, even though I wouldn't wish it on him or on anyone! 

Our feelings don't have to make sense, they're just to be gotten through.

14 hours ago, bea said:

waiting for something ..and not knowing what the hell i'm waiting on??

You're waiting on the processing part of this grief, waiting on getting used to this, waiting on the adjusting, the building a life you can live, the finding some kind of purpose again, no matter how small, anything that helps you live again.  It'll happen, oh God it takes time, so much time, and it's that waiting that's hard.

Meanwhile, you aren't helpless to just leave it to waiting, there is much you can do to help yourself through this, there are books and articles to read, posts to post in forums, grief support groups to attend, grief counseling to get, art therapy to be done, processing your grief, little by little.  Letting yourself feel the pain, sit with it, get through it, bit by bit.  I never knew anything could be so exhausting!  But grief is work, it's not merely something that "happens to us".  it takes effort.  I remember when I discovered that, early on in my grief, and then I felt mad that I'd have to work at something I never wanted or asked for!  :)  True, but it was mine to deal with all the same.

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39 minutes ago, KayC said:

I remember writing that in the early days after losing George...I felt like Humpty Dumpty, and all the king's horses, and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty together again.  It's a very apt description of how we feel. 

We DO feel glad they've met their reward, graduated, if you will.  We ARE glad they're out of their suffering.  BUT, we have our own feelings to deal with too, and WE are lonely, missing them, scared, hurting, and so much more that is indescribable, and all of our feelings are valid and real.  We can feel conflicting things at once, and we do.  A part of me is glad for him, but also jealous that he escaped this suffering that I am going through, even though I wouldn't wish it on him or on anyone! 

Our feelings don't have to make sense, they're just to be gotten through.

You're waiting on the processing part of this grief, waiting on getting used to this, waiting on the adjusting, the building a life you can live, the finding some kind of purpose again, no matter how small, anything that helps you live again.  It'll happen, oh God it takes time, so much time, and it's that waiting that's hard.

Meanwhile, you aren't helpless to just leave it to waiting, there is much you can do to help yourself through this, there are books and articles to read, posts to post in forums, grief support groups to attend, grief counseling to get, art therapy to be done, processing your grief, little by little.  Letting yourself feel the pain, sit with it, get through it, bit by bit.  I never knew anything could be so exhausting!  But grief is work, it's not merely something that "happens to us".  it takes effort.  I remember when I discovered that, early on in my grief, and then I felt mad that I'd have to work at something I never wanted or asked for!  :)  True, but it was mine to deal with all the same.

I was reflecting this morning while realizing my precious love is just memories now.Reading different websites on the afterlife.so many different opinions..they are asleep until..they are angels.they are not angels..they arent watching over us..they are watching us..it all boils down to nobody REALLY knows anything and reading so many opinions and not understanding why we live in a life where we pretend to be happy when we know grief and loss is around the corner..is depressing and scarey..Whos idea was this? Oh theres alot of opinions about that too and people throwing down scriptures that have been altered .translated..and exists in more than one Bible...there is no "True bible"  they are just words..the only truth has got to come from the heart..which I intend to find..obviously there is something that created us. Its not just a coincidence.Why give us breath.and loved ones but the moment we are too happy..something destroys it.let me guess..the devil..whatever

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

We ARE glad they're out of their suffering.  BUT, we have our own feelings to deal with too, and WE are lonely, missing them, scared, hurting, and so much more that is indescribable, and all of our feelings are valid and real.  We can feel conflicting things at once, and we do.  A part of me is glad for him, but also jealous that he escaped this suffering that I am going through, even though I wouldn't wish it on him or on anyone! 

Your post has touch my spirit - thank you for that!

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Francine - Thank you for the beautiful insightful post about your experiences from your grief journey.   Coming up on 6-months, I do agree with a lot of your bullet points which resonates solidly with me.   I'm sure in time, your points will be even more vivid and clear in my mind.  I never imagined that losing my wife would hit me on so many different levels, whether it is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually.   We are all on this grief train which no destination in sight.  All we're doing is bumping up and down like a roller coaster, while going left and right, upside down, all in the dark.

We need more grievers like you, Francine.  Thank you for your insight and for always helping us here.  Hitting the 1-year is a big accomplishment.  It is a mile stone, albeit not a happy one.

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10 hours ago, Azipod said:

Francine - Thank you for the beautiful insightful post about your experiences from your grief journey.   Coming up on 6-months, I do agree with a lot of your bullet points which resonates solidly with me.   I'm sure in time, your points will be even more vivid and clear in my mind.  I never imagined that losing my wife would hit me on so many different levels, whether it is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually.   We are all on this grief train which no destination in sight.  All we're doing is bumping up and down like a roller coaster, while going left and right, upside down, all in the dark.

We need more grievers like you, Francine.  Thank you for your insight and for always helping us here.  Hitting the 1-year is a big accomplishment.  It is a mile stone, albeit not a happy one.

Thanks so much for your post.  This forum is family to me - I can literally tell people who *GET IT* exactly what I'm feeling and how I'm feeling.  Communicating with others who listens without giving advice, who lets you communicate about whatever you need to discuss, accepts you where you are in your journey, and doesn’t try and make you feel differently is healthy for all of us.  Communicating with people on this forum helps me begin to acknowledge the reality of my loss and I believe that sharing and communicating about our loss is an important part of our healing. 

I thank all of you guys for being here for me.  Truly I do. 

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I feel the same way.  It struck me when you said "doesn't try and make you feel differently", because that is a common mistake people who love us make...they want to "fix" us, and they can't.  There's no "fixing" this one!  There is only learning to live with this altered life and make it something we can do, finding purpose for ourselves again, and that takes more time than people can imagine.

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

There is only learning to live with this altered life and make it something we can do, finding purpose for ourselves again, and that takes more time than people can imagine.

Amen to that!

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Francine, thanks for sharing your feeling of one year of anniversary.  You mentioned the "memories faded."  Unfortunately, I found out my memories start to fade after losing my husband almost five months.  That is what I am afraid of at the beginning.   I wish I could still remember everything about him very clearly before I pass.  So far I only have twice visitation dreams of him.  I pray very often that he can get in my dream again.  But it never happens.  Instead I dreamed of my co-workers, which is not what I wanted.

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36 minutes ago, LoveD said:

Francine, thanks for sharing your feeling of one year of anniversary.  You mentioned the "memories faded."  Unfortunately, I found out my memories start to fade after losing my husband almost five months.  That is what I am afraid of at the beginning.   I wish I could still remember everything about him very clearly before I pass.  So far I only have twice visitation dreams of him.  I pray very often that he can get in my dream again.  But it never happens.  Instead I dreamed of my co-workers, which is not what I wanted.

Supposedly, if you ask them to visit in your dreams, then they visit you. I don't know how true it is, but I set the intention just before I go to bed every night and just hope that someone is listening. There are also guided meditations that supposedly make it easier.

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3 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Supposedly, if you ask them to visit in your dreams, then they visit you. I don't know how true it is, but I set the intention just before I go to bed every night and just hope that someone is listening. There are also guided meditations that supposedly make it easier.

You are doing it correctly.  The intention is what is needed.   The rituals, whether its prayers, candles, or any other paraphernalias are all useless unless the intention is there.   Forming the intention takes a lot of work.    Most of the time it's not as simple as a thought or a wish.  It is a combination of things we do, in which we form our "intentions."    Also, I would try not to feel bad just because the dreams do not come or you are not seeing signs.   It doesn't work for all and likely certain conditions here on earth, and more importantly in the spiritual realm, has to be perfect before they can establish a connection with us.   There are many outside factors that neither we or our loved ones have control over.   The laws of the spiritual realm are neither logical or understandable to humans.   Just because something doesn't happen doesn't mean they do not want to connect with you.  They do.  But we have to remember that our loved ones are gone in spirit .  Being a spiritual being does not equate to being a magician.  They can't just simply make things happen.

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14 minutes ago, Azipod said:

You are doing it correctly.  The intention is what is needed.   The rituals, whether its prayers, candles, or any other paraphernalias are all useless unless the intention is there.   Forming the intention takes a lot of work.    Most of the time it's not as simple as a thought or a wish.  It is a combination of things we do, in which we form our "intentions."    Also, I would try not to feel bad just because the dreams do not come or you are not seeing signs.   It doesn't work for all and likely certain conditions here on earth, and more importantly in the spiritual realm, has to be perfect before they can establish a connection with us.   There are many outside factors that neither we or our loved ones have control over.   The laws of the spiritual realm are neither logical or understandable to humans.   Just because something doesn't happen doesn't mean they do not want to connect with you.  They do.  But we have to remember that our loved ones are gone in spirit .  Being a spiritual being does not equate to being a magician.  They can't just simply make things happen.

I’ve been reading a lot (including on other forums) on the spirit realm and after death communication and it’s been helpful to me. I’ve already had a few dreams with him in them. I’ve also seen a medium — it was so moving, but I felt like I was losing him all over again.

 

Since his passing last month, I’ve read Roberta Grimes’ material, followed Sonia Rinaldi and tried some of Craig Hogan’s protocols. Ive been able to have conversations with him through some of these. It’s got a healing quality to it.

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16 hours ago, LoveD said:

You mentioned the "memories faded."  Unfortunately, I found out my memories start to fade after losing my husband almost five months.  That is what I am afraid of at the beginning.   I wish I could still remember everything about him very clearly before I pass. 

It's been 12 years for me but my memories of him are very clear.  Perhaps it's just that they seem so distant, of another lifetime.  But I remember his voice, remember his smell, remember his zest for life, how I felt when he held me.  It just seems surreal that we were really together though.

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13 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Since his passing last month, I’ve read Roberta Grimes’ material, followed Sonia Rinaldi and tried some of Craig Hogan’s protocols. Ive been able to have conversations with him through some of these. It’s got a healing quality to it.

Thanks for sharing the names.  I'll have to check them out because I haven't come across their materials yet.

Recently, I came across Hans Wilhelm's material about life, which I found very fascinating, because it succinctly summarizes everything I've been reading about the spiritual world and is very consistent with multiple people's view.  His videos are also very short and cuts down to the chase.  

http://www.lifeexplained.com/

 

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On 12/8/2017 at 2:03 PM, Francine said:

I believe we're never alone even though we may feel like we are.   Whether happy or sad,  God is with us always!  I believe in scripture and in Matthew, 28:20 it states, .... and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age".   My first year without my Charles was the hardest season of my life. I lost my husband and myself (to a certain degree); however in the midst of my deepest heartache, God is healing my broken heart and in HIS goodness, has given me what I needed and longed for most — a understanding that my Charles is OK and a REAL relationship with HIM.   Thanks for taking the time to read my post and respond; it really meant a lot to me.   Know that you are always in my prayers!

Thank you. <3

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I'm glad you found my article to be relevant, Francine.  http://extragracerequired.com/2017/03/26/my-first-year-as-a-widow-ten-things-i-learned/

I hope you also found it comforting to know that you're not alone. In the future would you please cite the source of the article?  Thanks so much. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as you walk this difficult road.

Extra grace,

Jodi

www.extragracerequired.com

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12 hours ago, Extra Grace Required said:

I'm glad you found my article to be relevant, Francine.  http://extragracerequired.com/2017/03/26/my-first-year-as-a-widow-ten-things-i-learned/

I hope you also found it comforting to know that you're not alone. In the future would you please cite the source of the article?  Thanks so much. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as you walk this difficult road.

Extra grace,

Jodi

www.extragracerequired.com

The article had such a impact on me and touched me in a way of what I as feeling at that exact time.  In the future I will cite the source of the article and thank you for your thoughts and prayer; I certainly welcome and need them.

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Great article, it sums it up appropos!  I've saved the article (with link) for my grief support group.

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