Grief

[Emily47]

Just looking at some of the titles of the threads here literally hurts my heart.  I'd say breaks, but, that has already happened.  Everybody has their story, and I want to learn about other peoples' stories to try and give any form of comfort that I can.  But, tonight, for some reason, I have been having a particularly hard time.  

My brother, Bryant, passed away in 2009, my senior year of high school.  He was born with a chromosomal disorder, which resulted in disabilities and physical abnormalities literally from his head to his toes.  He was not supposed to live more than 24 hours, but was able to live a very full and productive 20 years.  I know, without a doubt, he was the glue that held our family together.  We advocated for people with disabilities in Washington DC, traveled to Canada for disability conferences, and of course, made our way to Disney World at least once a year.  Disney was, and still is, our escape.  We were treated like royalty there, we felt this sense of "we're home", whenever we went.  To this day, I feel that way, and feel like I can feel Bryant's presence.  

Lately, I feel I've been, floundering... drowning, in multiple forms of sorrow. Work is overwhelming, married life is tough, there just seems to be less joy in life lately.  So many people are going through so much worse, I know, and I constantly remind myself of this, yet... I still feel that fish out of water desperation.  

Grief is a very strange thing to grasp. It's this strange, painful, aching feeling that literally just seems to sit in your chest, like a rock. It feels so heavy at times that you can't help but cry, sometimes even make yourself cry, as twisted as that may sound. I mean, listening to songs you know will stir a flurry of emotions, forcing yourself to dig up memories, etc. But maybe it's because you're so afraid of forgetting, so afraid of what memories you have left beginning to fade, that you need to make yourself become immersed in the pain. Because through the pain you find this sense of joy through the memories. I miss everything about you, Bryant, every day.

I don't know, but I do know I need to deal with these feelings somehow.  Just wondering how people have dealt with these moments of feeling very, very low, and alone, and just almost out of reach for hope that things will get better, in a sense.  

 

[Utah Ang]

Hi Emily,

thank you for sharing, I am so sorry you lost your brother.  You are a strong person and I can tell you bring a lot of good to the world.

You are not alone!  I don’t know how I exactly get through each day or carry the sadness of losing my sister, but I think one thing I do is search all the time for hope.  I have tried about everything, and willing to try anything to make it better.  Maybe the constant search is the best answer to give.  I listen to podcasts all the time, and search all topics, my topic search is pretty colorful, I love the Tony Robbins, Risk, and the Mental Illness Happy Hour, they are all entertaining.  I love essential oils, it is fun to study the different oils, make my own mixes and put them in little rollers and share with others.  I do remember hitting such a low that I joined a gym, and I remember thinking “I hate working out so much, but it can’t be any worse than how I am feeling, and if I’m strong enough to make it through grief, then a walk on the treadmill and feeling uncomfortable in the gym will be easy”, and it was compared to the mental torture of grief.  I love watching Lord of the Rings, it has so many powerful messages, and things you can relate to with caring grief.  Exchange the ring as your grief, and the light Froto carries as your hope, and there is a lot of good stuff in there.  

My Mom told me once that life is full of peaks and valleys, so when I’m in a valley I just know I won’t be there always, and I just need to hold on, keep searching for my happiness, and at some point it be as heavy.  

Thanks for sharing your story, I appreciate it, and that is sometimes the best medicine. 

[Jessie5434]

I agree, with the searching. I feel like I need to do something with my experience- losing my sister, and my dad... I feel the need to use it to help other people somehow, just haven’t figured out how exactly. Maybe we’ll always be searching for someway to attempt to fill this giant hole in our lives where our siblings belong. I agree w the previous post though, it’s like a RollerCoaster- when you’re down- just know you’ll be going back up soon. Hang in there!

[Ema]

I searched out this site 3 months ago because of the grief I was going through in losing my 18yr old dog was overwhelming . And 2 weeks ago my 59 year old brother died. I feel nausiated with an underlying sadness all the time. I feel like he was witness to that part of my childhood and now thats gone. I thank God for my younger brother, my mother, aunts, uncle, cousins.  But my older brother had a link to memories the younger doesnt. The music, the toys we played with. The time we shared a room in Brooklyn. Crimson and Clover, venus, in the year 2525, major matt mason...what do I do now? Im no longer a younger sister.  He and I had our times of conflict through the years. But he was my big brother. How do we cope with all of this? Im 56 . I feel like Ive been pushed into some alternate zone where Im now an old woman waiting to die and I so dont want to feel like this. My sense of my life is shaken up . Thank the lord for mt precious daughters who give me joy . I know more than ever to count my blessings and there are many. Am I allowed to feel this sad?  

[reader]

Dear Emily,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. It is hard to lose a beloved sibling. I think its only natural sometimes to feel like life is overwhelming and just unfair.

I'm with you. I was thinking the same thing - there is so much sadness in the world. I know I should be grateful and try to carry on the best I can. In these sad times, I sometime let myself be sad and try to write out my feelings on this forum.

Keep reaching out. Maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group. Please know you are not alone.

Thinking of you.