acceptance?

[walker67]

"if you don't think things can get worse you lack a sufficent imagination" We are all on here because we lost our mates. My soul has been pulled from the earth like God was weeding his garden. I'm the guy that shouldn't be drinking and listening to country songs...and its been pretty well advised that I shouldn't cry in my beer. I have been a Believer and a Agnostic. Been a college student for years and a timber faller for many more. I've always felt God has spared me. I've been so close to death, countless times. Always made me love the ones I love all the more. Id never go to bed knowing everyone I loved knew that I loved them, cause I might not be there the next day. Hollywood forgets that there are men and women that risk their lives everyday for the ones that they love, and they aren't Navy Seals (granted I respect em a bit) We accept our fate. We are the protectors and the providers. We are suppose to die first and are more than willing. He...God...in all his wisdom takes away the woman I love. Im suppose to just keep trodding on like I accept his purpose? You ask me why I drink? Maybe I wanna punch him in nose. Reckon you shouldn't piss off the Pope, but I've lead a hard life, and I met someone that made it softer, kinder, and feel like it was worth all the sweat and blood. Then she is gone. So Im suppose accept that she is in a better place? She was happy with me. I realize my attitude sucks and I apologize, but am I suppose to accept the fact that I agree with His plan? Im on my knees every morning praying to Him and Her, to help me get through the day, and I come home  looking at her pictures, her dog, her cats, her home....isn't working too well.

[lovingstill]

I am so sorry that we both have to be in this predicament. I agree, it's awful.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I moved out of the home we shared because it was unbearable to me...and I did that four days after he passed. It has helped a little bit but I'm still in a lot of pain.

[M88]

That’s a gorgeous photo of a beautiful, happy couple, Walker. I am so sorry you lost your lovely lady.  

I think that platitude ‘he/she’s in a better place’ should be abolished from the english language, along with a few others. 

Any tears are healing tears but I think the ones shed from looking at photos and listening to music are the most painful but healing. 

Sending strength, love and hugs.  

[Francine]

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and know too well your pain.  She was a very lovely young women and from your post, you loved her very much. 

15 hours ago, walker67 said:

We accept our fate. We are the protectors and the providers. We are suppose to die first and are more than willing. He...God...in all his wisdom takes away the woman I love. Im suppose to just keep trodding on like I accept his purpose? You ask me why I drink? Maybe I wanna punch him in nose. Reckon you shouldn't piss off the Pope, but I've lead a hard life, and I met someone that made it softer, kinder, and feel like it was worth all the sweat and blood. Then she is gone. So Im suppose accept that she is in a better place? She was happy with me. I realize my attitude sucks and I apologize, but am I suppose to accept the fact that I agree with His plan? Im on my knees every morning praying to Him and Her, to help me get through the day, and I come home  looking at her pictures, her dog, her cats, her home....isn't working too well.

We don't understand why things happen the way they do and perhaps we are not meant to; and right now you probably don't really want to hear that all is going to be OK, or everything is going to work out or give it time - so I won't say it will.  I will say this (and what I truly believe from experience), prepare for some rough rocky times ahead.  The thing is– nothing about life after the death of someone so dear is ever easy. I think it’s all pretty damn freakin’ hard. Whether you’re a day in, or 20 years out, I believe losing the love of your life; a part of you is the hardest job on earth. Period.  For me, it didn't get easier, it became  different— softer, at times– louder at other times; like a storm. You can’t predict when it’s coming, and you can’t predict whether you’ll be able to find shelter or not. You can’t predict whether you’ll even survive. You just hold your breath, brace yourself for the impact, and hope you can find some solid ground. Eventually. Sometimes you’ll get swept under by the tsunami of grief; other days you’ll tread water, and still other days you’ll choke and gag on the on-going horror of it all. Some days you might float above it, and your whole body will feel the glorious feeling of air hitting your skin above water– sun on your face– wind in your hair. Those are the very good days; and over time there might be more of them, so embrace them when they come. And let the sun dry out the soggier parts of you whenever you can.

This earth is not our home and we all will leave it one day; some sooner than later; some younger than others.  When? Not for us to know; only HE knows the place and time.   I know exactly how you feel - today marks the one year anniversary that my Charles was taken from this earth and it feels like pure hell.  And what people don’t seem to understand is– it’s a life sentence. One we didn’t ask for, or want– it’s one we were charged with against our will. The life sentence doesn’t change, or lessen, or ever go away. Not with time, not with a whole lot of anything. We’re forced members of the God-awful club that is every person's worst nightmare. A club we can never leave. So what are our options? We are forced to lean into it– to grin and bear it. We are forced to find grit we never knew we had. We are forced to dig deeper than is probably humanly possible. We are forced to live out this horrific life sentence, some how, some way, even though everything within us is screaming, NO. We are forced to learn how to consistently do hard and right now, that is exactly what you are doing - HARD. Over and over and over again. Because, guess what? Hard is the only choice we have, the only choice we were given. Either we find a way, or we give up, right? And giving up isn’t an option.  So we find a way. And we keep on doing hard. Together. We find people who can say me too, me too with us – and over time we realize that finding a village (like this forum) who understands the depth of our pain without words necessary is really what makes all the difference in the world when doing hard.

You will definitely miss her, love her and want her near you; you're suppose to; after all, you've lost a part of you.   But know that because of her, and the love you shared, you became a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself.

I do hope you continue to post here; we're like family and are here whenever you need to post, vent or just read the post.  I'll keep you in my prayer and ask God to give you HIS love, peace and strength to get through this horrific period in your life.

 

[Marcel]

There can be no acceptence of the loss of one's wife. And I don't know if she's in a better place now but I sincerly hope so. I'm not a religious person so I'm not blaming god or seeking answers from him. I still wonder why such a great person had such a short life, had to endure such hardship while all she ever wanted was happiness for everyone.
And yes, I'm drinking way too much, trying to numb the pain, erease the memories so they won't hurt me. And yes, I'm fully aware that all this is futile.

I'm wishing you all the strength you need to get tthrough this. You're not alone.

 

[Paluka]

Walker67,

You have my heart-felt sympathies for what you are going through. There is no way to properly describe how much any of us hurt. You, me and all of us and other places are struggling beyond measure. It has been three months today since I tried using CPR to bring her back. I am sure you are still in shock. It is traumatic and sometimes I think I am still in shock.

I have often wanted to just drink until there was no more pain but I am worried about the consequences of doing so. I have cursed God, other people and raged against everything. The one person I want...well, she is not coming back no matter how much I cry, get angry, wish or pray. It is all very unfair. If I drink a lot there is no telling what I might do. I dream of her dying almost every night since Thanksgiving Day. This is painful and not what I want to remember about her. I try to hold on to good memories.

I do not believe God takes people away from us. I have had people tell me it was "just her time" and that "God needed another angel" or that she had learned what she needed to learn. As human beings we have Free Will and sometimes this may result in accidents, illnesses or other things that we simply cannot survive. I refuse to believe that God took my precious Lauri because He decided it was time for her to go or time for me to feel the worse pain in my lifetime. No offense to anyone who believes otherwise. We all have our differences in personal beliefs. Frankly, trying to make sense out of this will drive me insane.

Painful and significant losses happen to everyone. My job at this time is to keep moving forward. My son is a senior in high school so I'm going to do whatever it takes to help him get through this and to move on to college. I place my needs behind his. I do still pray multiple times a day and attend church at least one a week. I pray for Lauri's family members (even the one's who try to blame me) and for me and my son to grab some sense of peace a little each day.   

I view myself as a protector. At first I felt like I failed her because I could not save her. The truth is that no one could have saved her. She would not have been able to handle it if I died first. We had actually discussed this so I am left here to take the pain for both of us. When I get especially sad or angry I try to remember that my pain is my way of protecting her. It is what I want to do for her. It is an act of love. If she were alive today and I had the chance to protect her from pain like this I would do so without hesitation.

I hope some of this makes sense. I wish you relief and clarity. It will certainly take time and action to move forward. I figure as long as I am breathing I will do my best to honor and protect her.

Take care.

[KayC]

I see that they haven't merged the two identical threads as I requested so it's a little confusing that some responses are in one place and the rest are in the other.

You've received some good responses and I hope that brings some healing and peace your way.  This is a hard thing to go through no matter how you look at it.  I hope you continue to come here as it does help to express yourself and we are here listening and want to help you through this, we've gone through identical loss.

[Myangel0419]

Walker67,

What a lovely picture of the two of you. I am sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this very painful journey. My husband and I had the best and wonderful times together. It was almost perfect and too good to be true. We had this very special connection that just our hearts can understand . We were very happy and contented with life. I was the happiest woman and now the most miserable one. I will be forever devastated with the loss of my husband .It’s my 4th month and I am slowly managing now. I can function alright but the pain is always inside me it doesn’t go away although it’s a different kind of pain from the early stage. The longing and missing him is killing me the most. I miss my Alex so much and I miss us....I know your pain , all of us here.  

My thoughts and prayers are with you.