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Should I stay or go?


ButterflyEffect

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ButterflyEffect

Hi everyone. I am new here and struggling with losing my father to cancer.

We moved interstate 9 months ago. 2 weeks before we left we found out he was sick. 1 week before we left he had an operation that I thought he wouldn't make it through so we said goodbye. The operation showed he had terminal cancer and he was given 2 months.

They thought he responded well to chemo initially, but has come off it now forever. So we don't know how long he has.

I haven't been back to see him yet as I have a severe phobia of flying and the only other option is rail which is very expensive (around $4000 round trip for my baby and I, plus $1200 for my husband and daughter to fly).

It has become possible for me to go back - my husband was told he could work from home while we are away, rail tickets are on sale meaning the rail tickets would only be $2700 (plus the $1200), it is school holidays so my children wouldn't need to miss school. 

I am considering what to do. Going will still put us under financial pressure for 3 months. 

I speak to him on the phone every day and my parents divorced when I was young so this is a normal relationship for us (growing up I saw him two days a week and then maybe once every 3-6 months as an adult.

I spent my last 2 weeks in my old city by my dads side. When we left on the train I thought I wouldn't see him again and grieved with intensity. Now when I talk with him it doesn't feel like he is sick. (I know he looks very sick from the photos but I can put that out of my mind). I don't want to feel like that again.

I will be unable to help with palliative care as I would like as I have a baby and another child with very high needs and my dad lives on a farm in a house that is unsuitable.

My own nuclear family are having financial and health issues already.

We will be in a better situation after we sell our house next year but I can't guarantee he will be here (it seems unlikely).

What should I do? Will I regret not going ASAP? Or should I just keep supporting him over the phone and Skype?

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Dear ButterflyEffect,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, the pressure financially and the knowledge you will lose your father.  Its a lot.  I don't think its right to give advice.  No one can say what you must do.  We are not you.  All I can say is whatever you decide, it will be the right thing.  Your father knows you love him, say everything you need to say to him.  Thinking of you in this very difficult time.

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Dear ButterflyEffect,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad's health.  It is a very difficult time and made harder by the financial considerations. I know you are trying to do everything you can to support your dad.

I can only speak for myself. I have to say even though I saw my dad almost every day, I deeply regret not being there with my dad more. I didn't realize he was dying. I left him at the hospital that day believing I would see him tomorrow but there was no tomorrow.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

 

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