I blame myself for the death of my fiancé

[Michal]

My fiancé was killed October 14, 2017 and just 10 days after he proposed to me. I blame myself for his death and it’s killing me. My fiancé was a beautiful sweet man with demons he had conquered and was in a recovery program for years. However, on his 50th birthday he relapsed and was hit by a car and died that night. He called me 20 mins before he was killed and I ignored his call because I was so angry and upset with him. 

I am ashamed to say I did not even listen to his message until after we buried him. On his message he was begging me to come pick him up. Of course since I ignored the call he had to walk home and he stumbled in front of a car and was killed instantly. 

If I would have just taken his call he would never have been walking and he would have never been killed. 

I absolutely can’t forgive myself and I have horrible anxiety, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I miss him so much and some days are almost impossible to even get out of bed. 

I do not know what to do. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe his death was not my fault bc I wasn’t there for him. How do I do this because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I barely function anymore.

[M88]

Awe, Michal, I am truly sorry for your loss. I send you hugs to you, hon.  I’m glad he didn’t suffer.

You didn’t pour the alcohol down your partners throat, or cause him stumble into a car.  You weren’t even there. But, I understand why you’re thinking like you are and suggest you get some help from a psychologist, one trained in sudden traumatic deaths,  as soon as you can, to help get past the guilt thoughts.  They’ll eat you up otherwise and life will be hard enough without ruminating on those thoughts.  We, who lose a much loved partner go through many emotions and beat ourselves up with the ‘what if’s’ and the ‘if only’s’.  With the right help. that kind of thinking will ease. 

I could, and did initially, think a little like you.  If I had gone with my darling on the day he was killed, as I’d planned to do, maybe he wouldn’t have got killed by a careless driver.  But I felt ill and decided not to go.  We were creatures of habit and had I gone we would probably have been in the same spot.   

It’s OK too to not be able to get out of bed sometimes.  Your grief is so fresh and being in so much emotional pain is exhausting work. We need time on our own to reflect on the life we created together. 

I hope you’ll find comfort, love and understanding among us here in our wee grief family.  Grief of a much loved and missed partner brought us together.  

Know you’re in my thoughts, bea. 

i send you strength, love and hugs XX

 

[Paluka]

Michal,

I blamed myself for not doing more at the time of my wife's death. I felt guilty and blamed myself. It was suggested to me that I did the very best I could have done at the time and with the information I had. I regret not doing more because hindsight is 20/20. I really did the best I could at that time. These are platitudes. I mean this and believe it.

I would also say to you that had you actually known this was going to happen you would have certainly acted differently. I know this hurts beyond measure. I feel it daily as you do. However, you had a valid reason to be upset with him and not bailing him out is a traditional approach. It was not the wrong choice. It was the choice you made based on his history and your experience with him. He made some unhealthy choices that ultimately resulted in his death.

I honestly hate this for you. It is tremendously difficult without clobbering yourself. We can all look back and think "what if I had gone left instead of right?" Should I have recognized the difference in this over that?" It is simply impossible to know everything at all times. It is also impossible to make well-informed decisions when the person we love places us in an impossible position where we do not have a full understanding of what is going on.

I know that you will replay that night over and over again. No one can force you to change your perspective. All I am saying is that by recognizing my human limitations it has helped me to see my situation for what it was at the time. It's tough.

My prayers and thoughts are with you. 

[Francine]

8 hours ago, Michal said:

My fiancé was killed October 14, 2017 and just 10 days after he proposed to me. I blame myself for his death and it’s killing me. My fiancé was a beautiful sweet man with demons he had conquered and was in a recovery program for years. However, on his 50th birthday he relapsed and was hit by a car and died that night. He called me 20 mins before he was killed and I ignored his call because I was so angry and upset with him. 

I am ashamed to say I did not even listen to his message until after we buried him. On his message he was begging me to come pick him up. Of course since I ignored the call he had to walk home and he stumbled in front of a car and was killed instantly. 

If I would have just taken his call he would never have been walking and he would have never been killed. 

I absolutely can’t forgive myself and I have horrible anxiety, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I miss him so much and some days are almost impossible to even get out of bed. 

I do not know what to do. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe his death was not my fault bc I wasn’t there for him. How do I do this because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I barely function anymore.

I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you are experiencing.  When you love a recovering alcoholic or drug addict, you may feel a huge sense of relief when they get treatment and get sober. You want to believe that all the bad times are behind you. But if or when they end up relapsing, it can be devastating.  As hard as the truth is, alcoholics have the urge to drink because they are alcoholics and drug addicts are compelled to use drugs because they are drug addicts.    We are only human,  with dark sides and dark issues in our lives.  Sometimes the demons, though quiet, are never quite silenced.  Calm as they may seem at times, they are always lurking, patiently waiting for a reason to wake up and take an overdue breath (if you will) and crawl back into your ear telling you all sorts of things; I'm terribly sorry he was not strong enough to overcome them. 

I get it, I too wanted to blame someone after my Charles death; the doctors, God, myself - but after a while, I realized there was no one to blame.  Sure, we think  if only we did something differently, or said this or that, or listened when we didn't - things would have turned out differently. We think if nothing else, they would certainly be here with us, but now its too late. Your frustration and sense of helplessness builds until you think you might explode, or scream, or break something. The raw emotion is unbearable, and there seems to be no way to soothe that feeling for yourself or for others grieving with you.  Why God chooses to take our loved ones away, we will never know and perhaps are not meant to; however, I truly believe that HE, in all HIS infinite wisdom has HIS reasons for allowing things to happen.  We may not understand it, but we simply have to trust HIM.  God's Will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.   We as human beings are constantly faced with tough decisions, and situations. It’s the nature of living in a fallen world. However, through all of the turmoil, God is still sovereign and wise.  It is my sincere hope that you eventually forgive him, and yourself; not because he necessarily deserves it but because you certainly deserve some peace.

Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Charles;  love him, want to be with him and I know you feel the same about your loved one -  you're suppose to - a part of you died when he did; however I think the best way to honor him is to (as hard as it will be), continue living your life; I think he would have wanted you to.  I was where you are now - didn't know what to do and honestly, I still don't. But what I do know is that because God gave me my Charles to share my life, my love and my being with, and as a result, I'm a better person.   And I know that someday,  Charles and I will be together again.   We all have a task to do while on this earth and when our task is complete, we too will be reunited with our loved ones who have gone before us, only this time, it will be forever. 

I hope you continue to post and I pray that God gives you HIS love, peace and strength to get through this most difficult time in your life.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Michal said:

My fiancé was killed October 14, 2017 and just 10 days after he proposed to me. I blame myself for his death and it’s killing me. My fiancé was a beautiful sweet man with demons he had conquered and was in a recovery program for years. However, on his 50th birthday he relapsed and was hit by a car and died that night. He called me 20 mins before he was killed and I ignored his call because I was so angry and upset with him. 

I am ashamed to say I did not even listen to his message until after we buried him. On his message he was begging me to come pick him up. Of course since I ignored the call he had to walk home and he stumbled in front of a car and was killed instantly. 

If I would have just taken his call he would never have been walking and he would have never been killed. 

I absolutely can’t forgive myself and I have horrible anxiety, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I miss him so much and some days are almost impossible to even get out of bed. 

I do not know what to do. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe his death was not my fault bc I wasn’t there for him. How do I do this because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I barely function anymore.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through.  And you don't know that he'd be alive if you'd taken the call.  He still could have been killed even waiting for you to pick him up.  Guilt is common in grief, it's like we're trying to rewrite the ending, but some things are beyond us to control no matter how much we wish for it.  It's not that you deserve the guilt, it's just a common grief response.  

I hope you read these articles about it, I have found them to be very helpful.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

[M88]

Machal, you have been in my thoughts a lot today.  My heart fair aches for you.  Getting mad with each other at times occurs in the most loving of relationships and you had no reason to think you’d be deprived of the chance to kiss and make up with the man who loved you.

I do hope you are well supported by friends and family.  I so wish I could whisk your undeserved feelings of guilt away.   You will be experiencing what is called ‘complicated grief’.  It will be extra tough to try and go it alone so please don’t be afraid to see a grief counsellor - one you feel comfortable with can help you.  

We need to be kind to ourselves as we’re in a very fragile state of mind.  But grief demands us to do all we can to help ourselves when we least feel like doing so.  That we have to do this really sucks, but there’s no avoiding it.  I still have to apply self discipline to get almost anything done.  

Tears are the words the heart cannot express, and all are healing.  They will come for a long time yet. 

Sadly, my partners death and events that have ocurred since, have taught me just how little control I have over keeping some of those I love, safe. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs XX 

[Michal]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Unfortunately, I don’t have a great support group because my family pretty much has already forgotten him and my sponsor told me at least he can be replaced (she lost her son so I understand what she’s saying) a child can’t. She also told me to take all his pictures down and I refused so she stopped talking to me. My other friends were very supportive for a couple of weeks but have moved on with their lives (as they should). I’m going to a grief support group for the first time tonight so maybe I can start feeling somewhat better. It hasn’t even been two months since his death and I’m still in shock bc it was so tragic and we were fighting. He was here one minute and gone the next. My heart aches so bad and I can’t stop crying for what could have been. Thank you all. 

[Paluka]

3 hours ago, Michal said:

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Unfortunately, I don’t have a great support group because my family pretty much has already forgotten him and my sponsor told me at least he can be replaced (she lost her son so I understand what she’s saying) a child can’t. She also told me to take all his pictures down and I refused so she stopped talking to me. My other friends were very supportive for a couple of weeks but have moved on with their lives (as they should). I’m going to a grief support group for the first time tonight so maybe I can start feeling somewhat better. It hasn’t even been two months since his death and I’m still in shock bc it was so tragic and we were fighting. He was here one minute and gone the next. My heart aches so bad and I can’t stop crying for what could have been. Thank you all. 

Take down pictures? This is not a bad break up. This is not a manner of going "no contact" with someone who is living. I do not know your sponsor but I will say that perhaps because addiction took his life that this somehow diminishes the significance of your loss? I do not know but it certainly seems to me that there are people around many of us that try to invalidate the relationships we had with our loved ones. I'm not 100% clear if this is because of their discomfort with the loss or because they are too immature to realize that one can grieve and be respectful of others (including the ones who have passed). It seems family blames us, tries to destroy us or discards us. It is completely wrong.

Everyone grieves differently so go to your support group. Listen to their experiences and take your time. Lauri's pictures are everywhere and they will not be coming down. You and I both will know the right time. Sorry, this is a touchy subject to me and telling someone how they should feel or act is nonsense.

I wish healing and clarity during this time.

 

 

[bea]

9 hours ago, jasmine3ht said:

 

Hi,

If u like to remove your grief instantly free of cost,  pls send email request to curebyhealing@gmail.com and they will remove your grief instantly while you chat.on skype with them.

God bless

Spammer..really?

[M88]

I choose to ignore the insulting innuendo in the post above and hope you will too, Machal.  

I’m really sorry you aren’t well supported. I’m having trouble getting my head around the things your sponsor is advising and saying to you -sadly, she doesn’t seem to have much understanding, or compassion for the grief that comes with losing a soulmate.  Believe me, she’s done you a favour by stopping talking to you.  Well done on sticking up for yourself! 

I’m glad you found a support group and hope your first meeting went well.  

Sending strength, love and hugs. XX 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I have reported each and every one of jasmine3ht posts to the administrators, sure seems spammy to me!  You do NOT belong here infringing on people's loss with your spammy messages.  I don't know what you get out of it but take it somewhere else!

[KayC]

Michal,

I'm sorry you don't have family/friend support, but I hope your grief support group will be the start of the support you need.  Please give it three tries as it can be hard to get through at first, and if you don't care for that one, try another.  I'm not sure what a "sponsor" is but were they off!  Obviously not someone trained in grief.  No one should be making suggestions to take down pictures, etc.!  So insensitive and inappropriate!  It's up to YOU alone to decide what brings you comfort and how to proceed, your grief journey is fresh and it's unique to you.  Everyone's timetable is different.  Please keep coming here, we "get it", we understand, we care.  We'll be here for you.

[bea]

22 hours ago, jasmine3ht said:

Greetings bea.

I experienced this powerful distant energy healing via skype and healing happened while we were chatting and it was totally free of cost.

If you check yourself, deep inside you may like to live with this grief in order to get sympathy from others. I was also like that. But after my healing I got to experience real freedom.

If you really wish to be free from your grief. Pls send an email request to curebyhealing@gmail.com and they shall make you free from all your emotional grief, by the grace of god.

After healing you only need to share your experience here as a gratitude to god for healing you, which shall help others also healed as they also avail this free healing based on your experience.

Pls do not waste your precious time by calling a real thing as spam. As told to me by the healer, healing happens when healer connects the person healed to god, therefore in a way, you are calling god as spammer.

God bless

If you check yourself, deep inside you may like to live with this grief in order to get sympathy from others. are you effen kidding me?  I can tell you are a spammer you can't even write correctly..you may like to live???YOU don't know a thing about grieving..a "crystal ball"does not erase the loss.

[bea]

Just now, bea said:

If you check yourself, deep inside you may like to live with this grief in order to get sympathy from others. are you effen kidding me?  I can tell you are a spammer you can't even write correctly..you may like to live???YOU don't know a thing about grieving..a "crystal ball"does not erase the loss.

My GOD doesnt work that way..so save your shenanigans for someone els and stop preying on people who have suffered a loss

[KayC]

IF SOMEONE CONTINUES TO SPAM AND THE ADMINISTRATORS DON'T REMOVE IT, PUT THEM ON IGNORE!!!  That's what I'm going to do right now!  At least that way we don't have to view it.

Go into your profile and add their username to your blocked list.

[Grieving.com]

Hi folks

Sorry for the delay in banning this person. We've had a change in server admin, and it's taken a little while to catch up.  It's been handled. 

Jeanne

[ModKonnie]

Hi everyone,

Unfortunately, I had this person restricted but he/she was able to get through with a different IP. I've taken care of things and banned all of the IP addresses and the member name. This shouldn't be a problem again. I appreciate everyone's watchful eye. Thank you for helping keep our forums clean and focused. 

ModKonnie

[Varun]

On 12/5/2017 at 12:33 PM, Michal said:

My fiancé was killed October 14, 2017 and just 10 days after he proposed to me. I blame myself for his death and it’s killing me. My fiancé was a beautiful sweet man with demons he had conquered and was in a recovery program for years. However, on his 50th birthday he relapsed and was hit by a car and died that night. He called me 20 mins before he was killed and I ignored his call because I was so angry and upset with him. 

I am ashamed to say I did not even listen to his message until after we buried him. On his message he was begging me to come pick him up. Of course since I ignored the call he had to walk home and he stumbled in front of a car and was killed instantly. 

If I would have just taken his call he would never have been walking and he would have never been killed. 

I absolutely can’t forgive myself and I have horrible anxiety, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I miss him so much and some days are almost impossible to even get out of bed. 

I do not know what to do. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe his death was not my fault bc I wasn’t there for him. How do I do this because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I barely function anymore.

Hi

We shall pray for you for your grief recovery.

By God's grace you shall recover soon.

[KayC]

Thank you to the administrators.  We want this to be a place of comfort and support.

[Varun]

On 12/9/2017 at 12:46 PM, Varun said:

Hi

We shall pray for you for your grief recovery.

By God's grace you shall recover soon.

Hi Michal

We are doing group prayers for you everyday.

Kindly inform us the level of grief reduction you noticed please.

[KayC]

On 12/6/2017 at 7:26 AM, Michal said:

I’m going to a grief support group for the first time tonight

Michal,

Can you tell us how it went?

[Azipod]

On 12/5/2017 at 12:33 AM, Michal said:

My fiancé was killed October 14, 2017 and just 10 days after he proposed to me. I blame myself for his death and it’s killing me. My fiancé was a beautiful sweet man with demons he had conquered and was in a recovery program for years. However, on his 50th birthday he relapsed and was hit by a car and died that night. He called me 20 mins before he was killed and I ignored his call because I was so angry and upset with him. 

I am ashamed to say I did not even listen to his message until after we buried him. On his message he was begging me to come pick him up. Of course since I ignored the call he had to walk home and he stumbled in front of a car and was killed instantly. 

If I would have just taken his call he would never have been walking and he would have never been killed. 

I absolutely can’t forgive myself and I have horrible anxiety, can’t sleep and cry all the time. I miss him so much and some days are almost impossible to even get out of bed. 

I do not know what to do. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe his death was not my fault bc I wasn’t there for him. How do I do this because I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I barely function anymore.

Michal.  I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  The circumstances that led up to the event can be difficult to accept.  I know it's hard to see things this way right now, but there are some aspects of our life that we cannot control.  While this doesn't make it OK, it helps to understand that none of us can live our life with a crystal ball.  We can never know what will happen.  On the spiritual level, there are many things that can explain how and why the circumstances took place, but given how fresh your loss is, I am not going to elaborate on what those reasons could be.  All you want to focus on right now is yourself, and knowing that you took the action you took because it was what how you felt at that very moment.  We cannot control the outcome of all events.   And even if you had answered the phone call, there is no assurance that the event would not have happened prior to your arrival.   Either way, I can understand how troubling this is for you.   I would suggest getting professional help so that you can properly process your thoughts and feelings.  I feel that there are some unique matters and a trained individual may be able to give you some really good guidance.