I loss my dad and I need help

[Joe1930]

I loss my dad in October I don't know what to do, its like I can't go on. I keep seeing him and hearing his voice in my head. Most nights I can't sleep, I try passing the time by watch whatever with my mother and brother and I tried talking with my other siblings but I can't put the burden on them because they have their own families to look after. Its just like I'm alone and since I argued a lot with my father because I just wanted him to not worry and let me take of him, mom and my brother and because I fought with him I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror because I hate the person I see looking back at me. 

Please help I don't know who else to ask.

[sadandlost]

Dear Joe1930,

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I know how painful it is as we all have regrets, all of us.  Its part of the process I think of bargaining, wishing things worked out differently, did something different.  I have been on this site for many months and I lost my mom 10 months ago so I have read a lot of posts.  A lot.  We all have guilt.  You're not alone.  I had a very good and close relationship with my mom but I still have guilt.  I feel alone too as I'm estranged from my family.  My mother was everything to me so I feel like I have no one.  Its true, I don't.  I will be spending christmas completely alone this year as every year I was with my mom.  So I know what you're feeling.  I can't tell you it gets easier because it doesn't.  I think it just probably changes from the brutal pain to a lesser pain as time goes on.  You may look in the mirror and hate yourself but I very much doubt your dad felt that way.  You are just consumed in grief and probably depressed and thats how you are seeing yourself now.  Grief can be unbearable.  Some days are worse than others.  Use this forum to express how you feel so you can have an outlet.  We are all in the same boat.  So sorry for your loss.

[tessa]

Hi Joe,
I'm sorry for your loss. Have you tried talking to someone outside of your family, like a counsellor.
If you are in USA, I found www.griefshare.org. If you are in Australia, I found griefline.org.au

Look for someone to talk to. You can also try write it out.

[reader]

Dear Joe,

I am very sorry for your loss. I know there is a lot of pain and sorrow. Please know you are not alone. We are to listen and support you. If you want, maybe consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group.

I can't tell you how many of us here have regrets about those moments before our parents passed. I know its hard right now, but try to be kind to yourself. 

Thinking of you during this difficult time.

[KarenBnP]

Joe, blessings to you. It is not your fault and nothing anyone might say can change your mind of that unless you open yourself to the fact that you are innocent that you argued with your father of spreading your wings and becoming an adult, as who your father would want to see. An adult moving forward in his life. Your father is and will always be proud of you. Know that every day of your sadness in a strength that your father, your family, and you give to yourself. Blessings to you young man, you are the light you are the strength...believe that!

[Joe1930]

How do I handle my oldest brother, sister and older brother?

They blame me for my dad's death. Before he died my older brother had him convinced I only cared about myself to the point when I called asked how he was doing at the hospital my mother didn't tell me he was as far along as he was because he convinced my parents I didn't care, I was told he was fine and would be out of the hospital in a few days. I didn't know anything until my second oldest brother called me and told me the truth that he only had a couple days left.

I moved back in with my parents two years ago because they couldn't take care of themselves, I cleaned, cooked and even gave them all the money I had to help them as much as I could. The only one that didn't believe I wasn't out for myself was my second oldest brother. My oldest brother and his entire family, my sister and my older brother all think I'm some heartless monster.

Right now, I sold what I could to help my mom and older brother into a motel while my second oldest brother and I fix up a home for them.

Since dad my died my oldest brother broke his promise to help because he and his wife are hellbent on making my mom suffer for things that happened over 20yrs ago and they were also talking about me behind my back saying I was eating up all their food, not cleaning after myself and my nephew calling me a leech, my sister is always talking to me like im thinking I'm doing nothing to help the situation and my older brother only cares about hooking up and talking to women on Tinder.

I can't drive because my dad was too sick to teach me but I was able to get my permit and my oldest brother promised to teach me but he also lied about that as well as helping me find a job and since I just moved I'm having a hard time finding work and the people I love are making me out to be some monster that this situation is all my fault.

 

I stay up sometimes until the cack of dawn thinking if this is all my fault, that why I'm here, I didn't know where to turn.

 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Joe,

Please don't blame yourself. We all do what we know and we try to do the best we can in that moment. I don't know where you live but if you can, try and access some resources in the community or through church. A counsellor or support group will help in coping with your family. Brothers and sisters can be tough. And right now everyone is going through their own grief which makes it even harder sometimes to connect to each other. I find these websites helpful:

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

I think these sites will help you know that its not your fault and you are not to blame.

Take care and please know we are all here to listen and help as much as we can.

[sadandlost]

Dear Joe1930,

I'm sorry for what you are going through and I truly feel for you.  I was in a terrible family situation when my mother was ill.  I thought I would not survive and I would have a mental breakdown.  Families can be very cruel.  I don't know why?  Instead of coming together in difficult times, they can think of their own individual needs and that makes them filled with blame.  Who can they blame for this painful situation?  Its you right now.  From what you said, I see nothing that you can blame yourself for?  Everyone has arguments, show me someone who has never had an argument.  There isn't anyone.  We all have guilt when a loved one passes.  All of us.  You did the best you could.  You did a lot.  Try not to give yourself even more to deal with because it sounds like your family is doing enough of that!  See if you can find a support group.  One person who will be there for you.  Or continue to use this forum as we are here reading your words and supporting you.

[tessa]

Dear Joe1930,
In regard to your oldest brother telling your father you didn't care, you needn't worry about that. Your father knows the truth now.
In regards to your oldest brother and what appears to be his toxic attitude towards you, ignore it. It is "his" problem, not yours. Focus on the love from your second oldest brother. Your oldest brother's opinion isn't worth anything so why care what he thinks about you.