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My girlfriend just passed away


Michaelagiri

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My girlfriend and I met in late may of 2017, and we hit it off , we clicked, it was her first relationship and mine too, we had not been with any other person before us. We got really close , we cared for each other we loved each other....I will always say "I love you so much babe" and she would always say " I love you plenty " but I knew she really did love me so much. As we got closer we shared our secrets to each other, it was so perfect like a match really made in heaven. I knew I always wanted to be with her always. She gave me inner peace and peace of mind and I always told her that, and she told me that she never wanted anything to come between us. She ways definitely my bbestfriend and buddy.. we would talk everyday on the phone when we were apart ....I mean we spoke morning, afternoon and night. One day she revealed to me that she was sickle cell , that she had SS genotype after I noticed her falling ill quite regularly, after she told me this I looked at her into her eyes the next morning and I felt so sorry for her and I teared a little while I gazed into her eyes which was quite green cos she had jaundice as well. I took it upon myself that what she needed in this life is definitely love and genuine love . From that point I put her health condition to side and I never brought it up ...I would always tell her I love her and would not leave her because she started to feel I would leave her because of her health. She trusted me with it and I loved her really with my soul, she really tapped into my soul. As our relationship went on she feel ill from time to time and I noticed she wasn't so proactive about her health as someone with that illness would be...but she never wanted it to bother me and she would get upset when I get so emotional about it...so I slowed down about the health issues. Couple days before she died she fell ill with herpartitis and it was so high .....I remember one of our last conversations about her health where I got mad for her vomiting in her room and no one was there and she told me that I need to stop worrying so much that it was not as if she was dying or something.....and she told me that she appreciated me for standing with her through her illness without running away or leaving her...I mean how could i....I loved her so much. On the 13th of November 2017 I had tried calling her throughout the day and her phone was switched off...so later at night she called me around 10pm and said she was at the hospital.....I tried to stay calm due to our previous discussion about her health and acted so calm telling her she was gonna be fine and stuff like that...then I wanted to talk more to her ...ask her how her day was..then she told me that she didn't want to talk ....she just wanted to reach out to me after a whole day of no conversation....so I said I was gonna call her back but she didn't not reply me ....so I felt she probably didn't hear me and dropped the call since she was not so well at that moment. So I called her line like an hour later but it was switched off again ....so for the second time I said a prayer for her before I went to bed ....that was our last conversation on the phone....on the 14th the next day I receive a call from her sister telling me to be strong and that she was already dead as at the early hours of 2 am ....I felt so shut down that day I cried in pain...even some days later.....I was also completing my last exams in college the day she was buried..it was such a bitter graduation for me...I also did not get to see her lying in state as well....I miss my baby so much she was all that to me and the favorite in her family....she was so precious to me .....I think of her every time even when I try to exercise to get my mind off a little bit...I feel so heartbroken and sorrowful about her and she was just 18 years while I'm 22 years old...I was kind of like a brother a friend and her lover too....

LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY......YOU WERE DEFINITELY WORTH EVERYTHING TO ME

RIP Sophia....see you again

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Michaelagiri (Michael?), I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my amazing boyfriend on November 17th, at the age of 29. He was everything to me. I can offer you no words of comfort because I'm at a loss myself about what's right right now, but just know that you aren't alone. I came here in some of my darkest days, thinking that I wanted to die too so that I could be with him, and being on this forum and finding a connection to others has helped me. We won't see each other tomorrow or the day after probably, but faith (a faith, interestingly enough, that I didn't have before) has kept me going...and has me believing that I'll see him again.

We were brought to this world for a reason and there's a group of people who believes that you and your soulmate will meet again after you die. I believe that. I believe he was my soulmate and I believe I'll see him again, and I know, because I can feel it, that tomorrow will be better. In my grief, meditation has really helped me -- thinking about good memories (I was traumatized by his unexpected passing), reflecting on things I would say to him, if he were still here, imagining conversations. It's been healing for me. I also have never been one to meditate but desperate times call for desperate measures?

There's nothing but an unbearable pain and loneliness, and I know, I understand. Nobody around me understands what I'm feeling, but know that the rest of us here know exactly where you're coming from, and that this unfortunate community will help. Keep coming around and we'll be here for you. When we lose someone, we lose their physical presence, but we get to keep the memories. His passing was also recent, but I can already sense that the love I have for him will never die. I think as long as you believe that it can get better (it's impossible to believe, and I know, sometimes I'll start crying over nothing, I can hardly eat, I wake up remembering that he's gone, and it hurts), it will get better...but it takes time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I'm so sorry that we both have to share this experience.

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Thanks so much loving still....it's really hard to bear it's one of the hardest things to bear in life....it quite different than loosing a parent or sibling or just a friend.....it's on another level....she was like a confidant....we shared so much ....when we played I always tickled her she would laugh so hard and I will force her to say anything I want.....it's hard to loose someone you love on another level for real....I'm glad we all are not alone and I believe we will meet our due one day.....thanks a lot for your reply   

We in this together..peace and love to you!!

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Michaelagiri,

Your love story is so beautiful and your love so encompassing and complete, it is really beautiful.  I like how you describe it, like a brother, a friend, a lover, that is the best there is.  I am so sorry for your loss.  She showed great strength and courage, and so did you.  

I like to think they can see what's going on in our lives, perhaps she saw you graduate, and was so proud of you.  I know it was hard.  It's very hard to do what we need to do when all we feel like doing is curling up into a ball...

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Michaelagiri

I am so terribly sorry for your loss; your post literally brought me to tears.  Talk about a love story; yours truly was.  So evident how much you loved another and in that short amount of time, you love a lifetime.  I know all kinds of thoughts must be running through your mind.  You think how can someone so full of life and love be gone just like that?  You are left stunned that death stole away one who was making such a positive impact on the world around her. The loss is not only for the present moment, but is a loss of an entire future that might have been and now never will be. It just isn’t fair.  The hurt and pain is all too real, like a horrible nightmare and there is no waking up from this bad dream; and unimaginable that your heart will ever heal.

Eventually, the initial shock starts to subside and reality will begin to set in, many of us become extremely angry. We want to blame someone so we blame God, the doctors, or the circumstances –surely something could have been done to save her (or so we think). But now that they're gone and, try as you might, it is impossible to imagine what kind of divine plan could involve hurting us in this manner, but everyone just won’t shut up about that damn plan. You don’t want to lose someone to learn a lesson or become a better person, and, frankly, you don’t think you should have to.  You might even blame yourself, wondering if you had done anything differently, maybe Sophia would still be here. If nothing else, you could have spent more time with her and told her you loved her more and more, but now it’s too late. Your frustration and sense of helplessness builds until you think you might explode, or scream, or break something. The raw emotion is unbearable, and there seems to be no way to soothe that feeling for yourself or for others grieving with you.

Over time, as the anger and hurt begin to dissipate (and it will), you are left with an aching feeling in your chest and a gaping hole in your heart.  The most important part of your life is missing, and you notice this loss in even the smallest of ways. There is a deep sadness that gnaws at you every time you think about all the things that you can never share with her again. No more sharing a laugh, or a joke, or a hug, or perhaps any of the other small and simple things that defined your relationship. These thoughts can completely consume you, and you let them do so because you are too broken to stop them.

Eventually, your heart will begin to heal and you will be able to think of these missing pieces in your life and they will make you laugh instead of cry. You will look back on all of the priceless memories y’all shared and feel a sense of joy and peace start to wash away the previous feelings of anger and hurt. You will hold Sophia a little closer in your heat because you realize just how uncertain and fleeting life can be, and none of us, no matter our age, are immune to this. You will vow to live your life to the fullest each and every day. You will promise yourself that you will honor Sophia by remembering all that was good about her and keeping those memories alive. And you will find comfort in the realization that she is never completely gone because a piece of her lives on in each life that she touched.

So the heart-wrenching truth about losing someone at a young age is this: it sucks. It really sucks; more than anything ever has before. That’s it. The pain takes your breath away. There is no explanation that we can comprehend for our loss. The key is to quit blaming yourself, others, and God, and trust that Sophia is really not lost to you at all.  She is at home, in heaven, guarding over you until you are called home, too, where she will meet you with that loving smile and a big bear hug that you have missed so dearly.

I hope you continue to post; we are family and are here for one another no matter what.  It's no accident, fluke, or coincidence that we are here at this place and time; it God's
Will and we are doing HIS will.   Know you are in my prayers.

 

 

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Thank you so much Ms Francine... your reply means so much to me ...I appreciate your concern and thoughts....reading your post really changed my perspective.....I now view her like an angel by my side .....thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers ....I feel you were sent to reach me today......thanks

peace & love.

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Thanks to you kayc 

i appreciate your care and concern...it was surreal putting up that post....it is the most difficult thing I have seen in my life...I also believe she is with me now due to your perspective...she is definitely an angel by my side..

peace and love

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 Michaelagiri, I am truly sorry for the loss of your dear Sophia.  I’m glad she chose you to spend the rest of her life with.  It sounds like you brought a lot of love and fun into each others lives. Those memories will live in your heart forever. 

Know my thoughts are with you. 

Sending you strength, love and hugs XX 

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Thanks a lot M88 ...I appreciate all the support y'all have rendered to me on this forum.....I feel so much better knowing people have been in my shoes and truly understand where I'm coming from .

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I’m so sorry you had to come looking for us, but am glad you found us.  Grief for a partner is extremely tough. The words to describe it haven’t been written yet so those that haven’t experienced it, can’t understand. I hope you’ll find the support, understanding and compassion among us, that I have. 

Love and hugs. 

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14 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

Thanks a lot M88 ...I appreciate all the support y'all have rendered to me on this forum.....I feel so much better knowing people have been in my shoes and truly understand where I'm coming from .

I agree; it is so comforting knowing you are not alone.  When my Charles transitioned into heaven, I didn't think I would make it through this and to be frankly honest, didn't want to.  But finding this forum, and people who really *get it* is one of the best life-lines God has sent my way.  I am not the first to endure such unbearable pain, and certainly won't be the last; but having my grief brothers and sisters walking along side of me on this depression journey give me comfort.  There is a light at the end of this journey; perhaps that light is heaven; there was a time I was afraid of dying, but now that Charles is there, I fear it no longer, I'm no longer frighten because  I know my Charles is awaiting me and when we meet again, it will be forever; nothing, not even death, can come between us ever again.  I pray and thank God for you all!

 
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Yes me Francine....I agree with you...I used to be so afraid of everything , traveling by road , going out at night and even death.... i was so scared of death before my due passed ...but the whole experience has given me such a radical approach to life and living.....we truly have no power of our own ....we think we have control but we don't at all....I feel nothing in this world can get to me again...and after reading your post ms Francine, I really believed Sophia is an angel by my side and she always looking over me and is with me all the time....thank you so much...you are an inspiration to me ms francine

❤️LOVE!

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Isn't it amazing how this experience changes us and our view of things!  I am not afraid of death either, I welcome it!  Not that I'm suicidal, I have things to experience here, grandchildren to enjoy, my pets to take care of and enjoy, but when my time comes, I am not afraid...I very much look forward with anticipation for what is to come!

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9 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

Yes me Francine....I agree with you...I used to be so afraid of everything , traveling by road , going out at night and even death.... i was so scared of death before my due passed ...but the whole experience has given me such a radical approach to life and living.....we truly have no power of our own ....we think we have control but we don't at all....I feel nothing in this world can get to me again...and after reading your post ms Francine, I really believed Sophia is an angel by my side and she always looking over me and is with me all the time....thank you so much...you are an inspiration to me ms francine

❤️LOVE!

Michaelagiri,

You inspire me.  Stories of losing someone so dear aren't usually happy; in fact they can be devastating and not always easy to tell; so we don't.  We keep them bottled up inside, push them down and close up shop.  And our pain sits, sometimes for decades.  And for those  who keep them inside, often miss the opportunity to really understand the event or series of events that are responsibly for their broken hearts.  That is so sad and my heart goes out to them. I believe we as humans are designed for many things; but loneliness is not one of them.  God doesn't  want us to go through this life alone.   But you, you were brave enough to tell your story; share your love for Sophia with total strangers and I commend you for that; it must have been difficult, but I think you've made the first step towards healing.  Sophia transition into heaven has changed you and the course of your life.  I'm not saying that you won't find some type of happiness after experiencing a loss so great; the reality is simply  - you will never again be the same nor should you.   In Romans 8:18 is states, and as hard as it is to believe,  "the pain that you are feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming."  Know you are always in my prayers.

 

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Thank you so much....I really appreciate your replies to me...it means a lot...I just kind of take it as what life has done to me....like an experience in this life...like they say, every experience helps shape you as a person...I feel hurt that it had to be this way to have an experience.......I really love her and I wished she would never die....but God has his say on things......thanks again ms Francine you are a friend I needed in this pain

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Michaelagiri - I'm so sorry for what you have to go through.  It's a terrible experience and there's really nothing anyone can say or do to make things better.  Grief, tragedy, and suffering unfortunately, is a part of life and there's no escape from it.   It is sometimes very difficult to fathom why we have to go through suffering... and why it has to be you.  We will never know the answer.  At your age, I'm sure you're questioning why it has to happen to you ... or why you are the one who needs to go through such tragedy and sorrow while your friends, and other classmates are moving along, living life as if nothing has ever happened.  Meanwhile, you are here stuck with grief.  There's no answer to this.   There is no road map to grief, everyone's journey is different.  But the one similiarity is that all grief journeys, are terrible journeys.   You have found the right place for support.  I'm sorry that you have to join this group but we will be here to support you in any way possible.

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6 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

but God has his say on things......thanks again ms Francine you are a friend I needed in this pain

HE certainly does.  In John 15:5, Jesus says that apart from HIM, we can do nothing.  I used to have a habit of trusting myself. I formed this habit through years of trusting people, getting hurt and finding out I couldn’t trust them. This caused me to believe, If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. If you don’t ask anybody for anything or open your heart to them, they can’t hurt you. But that mindset just kept me from trusting God. It was a bad habit I had to break.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths

Sadly, a lot of people go to church, hear what they should do and then go home and try to do it on their own. And when we leave God out of the equation, nothing works.  After my Charles made his transition, I'm learning to trust God more; trust myself less.  We as Christians are called believers, but many times, we are more like unbelieving believers. We trust our friends, the bank, the stock market and the government more than we trust our God and HIS Word.  I am your friend;  I think all of us on this forum are and I believe God puts certain people in our lives at the perfect time, for the most beautiful reasons, and you know right away it is a gift from God. 

Whenever you need to talk, know I'm here.

 

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I lost my fiance on nov 16 2017, he was having surgery for 3 herniated discs in his neck from a minor accident that caused the whip lash. My man was not into medication even after being diagnosed with high blood pressure, high blood count and a history of blood clots but still no meds. I often begged him to get on some type of meds for his swolen legs(from the knee down) but he shrugged it off as the norm for him. He went under the knife and it went well but after the surgery the blood clot machine did not detect the clot which slipprd thru and ended in his lung and heart and took his life right there while still under anethesia(my understanding). I am devasted beyond belief with every emotion listed on here and then some. He was just 56 and we had plans to marry in 2018. He wanted to get married sooner but I wanted him to be financially in a better situation as well as myself so we can invite family and friends on our big day. The morning of we were video chatting, he was in Florida for work and me in Tucson finishing my bachelors, and he refused to let me be there for the procedure stating that he would be out the next day and staying with his sister and I could join him there. Whle on video i asked him f he was afraid or nervous about the procedure and he said "No, if I die I will be napping and wont feel a thing, I told him not to joke that way because I need him here, his family and friends need him. he passed a couple of hours after surgery and my heart is shattered into a million pieces..I dont want to live this life without this man. I do have two grown kids and three grandchildren and was told by my oldest grand Andre age 12, that I have to stay here for now because he needs me, and when he grows up and I'm old, Ron will be waiting for me. But I want him here now!

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I am so sorry for your loss, bea.  Thanks for sharing your love story.  Your Grandson has a lovely soul and wise words, bless him. Our adult kids and grandchildren do still need us around.  They will be a huge support for you.

My late partner and I were also second time round.  We’d felt so lucky to have found a wonderful, trusting love at last.  I kissed a fit, healthy, happy man goodbye one morning, and he was killed later that morning whilst walking on the footpath by an out of control driver.  I still find it hard to believe sometimes. 

All here know the excruciating pain and hollowness you’re feeling.  Widowhood is a tough road to travel, but know that we’re here to listen and help each other through as best we can.  

Taking life one hour, or one day at a time is the best advice we can give.  It’s too scary to look to the future.  We have enough anxiety dealing with just the here and now.   

I hope you’ll find the compassion, understanding and support that I’ve found here among our wee grief family.  

Know you’re in my thoughts.

Sending strength, love and hugs. xX 

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Thanks to ms Francine and azipod....

you guys have helped me truly in this grief process...my dad also helped me cos he understands the gravity of these kind of things but my mum does not....she kind of puts it as it was not in the plan of God for me to be with the girl and stuff....I really don't understand her take on this......but y'all on this forum have been my therapy....I don't think I want to die again as I first thought.....I know she wants me to live a productive and meaningful life and when I die ...I'll see my baby again ...this time forever and ever.....thanks to my Dad too he too has also been my strength in this weakness...and to Ms Francine....God bless you ....you were really needed in this time .

Peace & Love!!

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5 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

I don't think I want to die again as I first thought.....I know she wants me to live a productive and meaningful life and when I die ...I'll see my baby again ...this time forever and ever

You're growing and learning and I'm so proud of you.  And Yes, she would have wanted you to live out the rest of your life productively.  Somehow I suspect you will, caring Sophia's spirit with you every step of your journey.  God makes no mistakes or accidents in our lives and everything happens for God's purpose.  Every person you meet will have a role in your life; be it big or small.  Some will hurt you to make you stronger; some will teach you lessons, not to change you, but to make you grow into a better person; and some sill simply inspire and love you and make you happy.  I suspect Sophia did them all and because of her, you are the person you are today.  Count your blessings knowing for just a little while,  God blessed you with one of HIS angels.  I know the two of you will be united someday - forever - talk about a Kodak moment.

Know I'm always praying for God to give you HIS peace, love and strength during this difficult time.

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15 hours ago, bea said:

I lost my fiance on nov 16 2017, he was having surgery for 3 herniated discs in his neck from a minor accident that caused the whip lash. My man was not into medication even after being diagnosed with high blood pressure, high blood count and a history of blood clots but still no meds. I often begged him to get on some type of meds for his swolen legs(from the knee down) but he shrugged it off as the norm for him. He went under the knife and it went well but after the surgery the blood clot machine did not detect the clot which slipprd thru and ended in his lung and heart and took his life right there while still under anethesia(my understanding). I am devasted beyond belief with every emotion listed on here and then some. He was just 56 and we had plans to marry in 2018. He wanted to get married sooner but I wanted him to be financially in a better situation as well as myself so we can invite family and friends on our big day. The morning of we were video chatting, he was in Florida for work and me in Tucson finishing my bachelors, and he refused to let me be there for the procedure stating that he would be out the next day and staying with his sister and I could join him there. Whle on video i asked him f he was afraid or nervous about the procedure and he said "No, if I die I will be napping and wont feel a thing, I told him not to joke that way because I need him here, his family and friends need him. he passed a couple of hours after surgery and my heart is shattered into a million pieces..I dont want to live this life without this man. I do have two grown kids and three grandchildren and was told by my oldest grand Andre age 12, that I have to stay here for now because he needs me, and when he grows up and I'm old, Ron will be waiting for me. But I want him here now!

I am so sorry that you too are going through this.  My husband was barely 51 when he died, we met in our 40s, it's like it took our lifetimes to find each other, we just put our lives together and then he was gone, never expected that.

Your grandson Andre brought a smile to me, I love that.  When George died my son told me he intended to have grandchildren for me, then he mentioned, of course, first I have to get a date.  :)  God bless these young people and their caring for us.

 

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Michaelagiri, I am so sorry for your loss. Being so young can bring much more sorrow than others may think. You had your whole future ahead.

I lost the love of my life at the age of 34, we weren't so young as you and your angel, but we were about to get married and start our life after long plannings and other losses. It should have been our time finally.

I don't have good advice, I am still trying to understand what happened, 6 months ago, I don't know how to go on without him.

I just want to send you strength and hugs, it's not much, but I hope it will bring you comfort that someone gets a part of what you are going through.

Being young also gives permission to others to tell us that you have time and love will come again, don't listen to those crap, focus now on the love you have inside of you, it's immensive, and it shouldn't and couldn't be replaced.

 

 

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Cucciola and ms Francine 

thank y'all so much I appreciate this kindness of support for someone's you don't know....you can't believe how much ch I value this posts....I come here anytime I feel sad about my late girlfriend.......especially ms Francine you really understood me from the beginning thank you so so much for your prayers and support and concern and love....I'm sure my girlfriend is really proud how I'm handling this....God bless!!

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You have our support, we understand...I'm glad you come here, we're all in this together, helping each other through it.

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5 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

you really understood me from the beginning thank you so so much for your prayers and support and concern and love....I'm sure my girlfriend is really proud how I'm handling this....God bless!!

No doubt in my mind, she is really proud of you, so am I; but most importantly, so is God!  Don't be a stranger here.  Always sending virtual hugs and prayers your way.

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On 12/5/2017 at 10:03 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry that you too are going through this.  My husband was barely 51 when he died, we met in our 40s, it's like it took our lifetimes to find each other, we just put our lives together and then he was gone, never expected that.

Your grandson Andre brought a smile to me, I love that.  When George died my son told me he intended to have grandchildren for me, then he mentioned, of course, first I have to get a date.  :)  God bless these young people and their caring for us.

 

Thanku..today was a really sad day for..i woke up happy because he wad in my dream and he gave me the sweetest kiss but within hours I was in rears with the reality that i will never be able to touch him..kiss him or talk with him..I hate life right now

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5 hours ago, bea said:

Thanku..today was a really sad day for..i woke up happy because he wad in my dream and he gave me the sweetest kiss but within hours I was in rears with the reality that i will never be able to touch him..kiss him or talk with him..I hate life right now

Bea, this is our reality.  It will be up and down.   There will be more downs and ups.   Every now and then, things, moments, or experiences will remind us of the joy and happiness we've had with our loved ones --- but those times are not sustainable... at least not now.   Soon after, our mind quickly reminds us of the true reality of what we are facing... and will remind us that he/she will never be back with us again.   It hurts like hell and it makes my heart drop like a ton of bricks.     I hate my life too.    I think I will hate it for a very long time.

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Bea,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, I remember it well.  Even though I've had years to adjust by now, and I seldom cry anymore (I think I cried most of my tears out of my body), I have never forgotten those early months/years.  It never leaves us.  I carry my grief inside of me, most people aren't aware of it, but I do talk to my sister about it sometimes, and my grief support group, of course, anyone else who has gone through it and I know understands.  They're never gone from us, I carry George inside my heart.  When I went to job interviews, I reached down inside of me for his belief in me and support and felt it sustaining me.  My prayer is that you'll learn to do that in time too.  When I've had to make hard decisions and no one to talk it over with, I made them, and I knew George was proud of me for everything I've had to do on my own over the years.  He was my biggest supporter and fan.  When I don't feel strong, or don't feel capable or up to the task, I rely on HIS belief and faith in me to see me through it.

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Hi everyone ever since this experience, I don't feel I will have a long life....like imagining so many years without her feels like impossible....I don't know if it is normal or suicidal ....I need help

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14 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

Hi everyone ever since this experience, I don't feel I will have a long life....like imagining so many years without her feels like impossible....I don't know if it is normal or suicidal ....I need help

Feeling we can't continue without them is normal in grief.  For some to think some kind of positive thinking will just whisk away our feelings is to devalue our grief feelings and is so wrong on every level.  Yes our attitudes are important, but it's a gross injustice for someone to brush away our feelings when the very thing we need is our feelings acknowledged and understood!  

I hope you will seek grief counseling, it can be of immense help, and please do continue to come here.  I continue reporting the spammy posts that keep coming, not sure what else we can do besides put the person on "ignore".  Not sure why the administrators have allowed this to continue.

Forgive me if I have already posted this to you, but I want to share the things I've learned in my grief journey over the last twelve years as each of these things have helped me through the process, and it is indeed a process...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Thank you so much KayC ....I really appreciate all this support it shows love in humanity, for we all have been through this situation and we are all here to support each other ....thanks a lot ...and I shall continue coming on here...it is enough therapy reading all these posts from total strangers that don't charge anything but offer support to one another...it is really embracing to have joined this forum, it really took me forward right from my post about a week ago till today....it's really heart warming for all the prayers and support and care from everyone....thanks again...I appreciate 

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On 12/7/2017 at 2:24 PM, Michaelagiri said:

Hi everyone ever since this experience, I don't feel I will have a long life....like imagining so many years without her feels like impossible....I don't know if it is normal or suicidal ....I need help

Michaelagirl -- You are not alone.  Recently, I've been having these surreal feelings and question how I've made it to almost 6-months without my wife.  I cannot even fathom to believe that it's been so many days and nights that I've been "zombieing" through my life without her.   It feels like things just happened yesterday.   The little silver lining I suppose is that it does show that I can live a life without her.   But the other side to this is whether I am happy, health, and living productive and enjoyable life.  The answer obviously is no.   

Life now stinks.  It sucks big time.  It's painful every second, every minute, and every hour of each day.  It's a nightmare that I cannot wake up from.  Yes, I so wish that I can just go to sleep each night and wake up.   But no, I wake up and endure another painful day of suffering.

I think what you are feeling is normal.  I don't think it's suicidal until you actually think and plan on some way to end your life.  Either way, try getting some help or at least jot down the number of your local or the national crisis center.    I know the local and the national crisis centers also have "text" services so you can text the counselors at any time when you are feeling blue.  Take care of yourself.

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It's kind of both.  Suicidal feelings are common in grief, we have to give ourselves a chance to see it through, to find a glimmer of hope, like a tiny part in a storm cloud.  Yes, your feelings are very normal.  Remember, suicidal FEELINGS are not suicidal ACTIONS.  They are thoughts that come unbidden to us.  Shove them away and tell them you're going to make him proud and you're choosing to live, to see what there is ahead for you, and it won't always feel this dismal.  This grief comes in waves, up and down, like a roller coaster of emotion.  We learn to ride it out.

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I know.  I feel the same, even after all these years.  The missing him never goes away.  It's the hardest thing in the world to get used to, yet I've had to do just that.

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Since my experience of loosing my due, I have started to feel so fearless ...like nothing can stop me in this life ...I'm not even afraid to die any longer ...I know it is a good sign ...but I'm almost like waiting for something to happen all the time....I'm not being negative or anything but I just feel like I have seen it all this year .....please I need y'all take on this 

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1 hour ago, Michaelagiri said:

Since my experience of loosing my due, I have started to feel so fearless ...like nothing can stop me in this life ...I'm not even afraid to die any longer ...I know it is a good sign ...but I'm almost like waiting for something to happen all the time....I'm not being negative or anything but I just feel like I have seen it all this year .....please I need y'all take on this 

In the past, I've always been afraid of death.  I was afraid of the uncertainty, such as when, how, or whether it would be painful.   Now that my wife is gone, like you, I fear nothing.  It actually would be a blessing for me to die as soon as tonight, if possible.   I don't believe in suicides, so I have no way out.  I'm just waiting for life to take me.   Secretly, I'm always hoping that a truck would come flying down the road as I cross the street -- let's just make it quick and simple.   It's called waiting, or wanting something to happen.   

Yes, I sound very negative, but I really have no reason to be here.  I can contribute to society as much as I can while I am here ... but that doesn't mean I want to be here.  I rather be home, in the spiritual realm, with my wife.

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I understand how u feel when my bf was here I had a reason.doing day to day things with him taking care of him spending our time together. Now I don't see a reason to be here without him but I wouldn't hurt myself I've thought about it sometimes but I'd want to be with him in heaven if that's where he is

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1 hour ago, Azipod said:

In the past, I've always been afraid of death.  I was afraid of the uncertainty, such as when, how, or whether it would be painful.   Now that my wife is gone, like you, I fear nothing.  It actually would be a blessing for me to die as soon as tonight, if possible.   I don't believe in suicides, so I have no way out.  I'm just waiting for life to take me.   Secretly, I'm always hoping that a truck would come flying down the road as I cross the street -- let's just make it quick and simple.   It's called waiting, or wanting something to happen.   

Yes, I sound very negative, but I really have no reason to be here.  I can contribute to society as much as I can while I am here ... but that doesn't mean I want to be here.  I rather be home, in the spiritual realm, with my wife.

This is exactly how I feel. I would give anything to be with him again but I would never cause anything to happen. Every day that I open my eyes is just another day added to my misery, and I’m so ungrateful but I really can’t see my life without him.

I used to be so scared of death but his passing has changed me a lot. The pain is so real from losing him but I wouldn’t mind just disappearing too. My dearly beloved just “dropped dead,” so to speak, and I assume he wasn’t in pain. I hope I don’t have to wait forty years to join him. 

I just lost him last month and people are already telling me I will love again but I know myself— I don’t need to love again. The love we had/have was so special it’ll be with me forever. He was everything to me and without him, it can never be the same.

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This DOES change us.  Most of us no longer fear death.  Some of us even welcome it, not that we'd hasten it, but face it, it's a struggle here.  I don't believe in suicide as an answer either.  We have to work at making our life meaningful again, no easy feat.  

lovingstill,

People that tell you you will love again...that is a highly inappropriate response for them to give you!  Whether you do or don't isn't even the point, right now you are grieving him and don't need to be thinking about that.  Right now it's enough to be in today and deal with it, you don't need to think about the whole future which you can't even fathom right now.

You might want to print this out for your friends...I retyped it because the formatting was messed up (still is a bit) but I will post the link also to give credit to the author, Marty Tousley.  Unfortunately, in our society, we have to educate people about how to respond to grief, they don't know.  As Dr. Phil always says, we have to teach people how to treat us.  ;)

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of "Donts"
 

 Be aware of what is not helpful to the person in mourning. 

 Do not:

·         Expect your friend to mourn or heal in certain ways or within a certain time frame.

·         Deliberately avoid the subject of death, change the subject, or act as if nothing has happened.

·         Talk about your own losses, especially early on; this shifts the attention onto you.

·         Use judgmental words like should” and “shouldnt.”

·         Begin a sentence with the words “At least . . .”

·         Offer unsolicited advice.

·         Compare one loss with another, or offer judgments about which loss was worse.

·         Take it personally if your friend rebuffs your invitations.  Try again another day, and realize that grief requires being left alone at times.  The mourner needs some time to turn inward, to ponder the deeper meaning of life and death.

·         Try to change what your friend is thinking or feeling.

·         Talk down to the person, in a patronizing way, as if you are the expert.

·         Try to fill up every moment with conversation.  Become comfortable with silence.

·         Ignore warning signs of self-destructive behavior: alcohol, drugs, depression, suicide. Confront the person directly, or organize an intervention with family and friends.

·         Wait for your friend to initiate contact (i.e., call, write or visit).

·         Wait until tomorrow or make promises you cannot (or will not) keep.  Follow through with whatever you have planned or promised.

·         Wait to be asked; this places the burden on the mourner.

·         Expect gratitude for your efforts.  A person in pain is focused inward and self- absorbed, with little room for gratitude.  If you offer help, make sure that it is wanted, and dont feel hurt or rejected if it is not.

·         Push or expect the mourner to sort through and distribute a loved ones things.

·         Take away the mourners autonomy by doing too much for her or making major decisions that rightfully belong to her.

·         Expect the mourner to begin to reenter social life on other than his/her own time frame.

·         Try to rescue someone from her regrets; she needs time to sort them out, until she is eventually able to forgive herself.

·         Force food on the person if he is not interested in eating.

·         Expect the mourner to be over it within weeks, months or even years.

·         Try to do everything by yourself, or try to fix everything.

 

Copyright © by Martha M. Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC    All rights reserved

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm

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12 hours ago, lovingstill said:

This is exactly how I feel. I would give anything to be with him again but I would never cause anything to happen. Every day that I open my eyes is just another day added to my misery, and I’m so ungrateful but I really can’t see my life without him.

I used to be so scared of death but his passing has changed me a lot. The pain is so real from losing him but I wouldn’t mind just disappearing too. My dearly beloved just “dropped dead,” so to speak, and I assume he wasn’t in pain. I hope I don’t have to wait forty years to join him. 

I just lost him last month and people are already telling me I will love again but I know myself— I don’t need to love again. The love we had/have was so special it’ll be with me forever. He was everything to me and without him, it can never be the same.

You are absolutely correct.  It is never going to be the same.  Coming up on 6-months, I'm understanding this very clearly and it's actually becoming more scary and painful by the day.  The reality is setting in.     I'm sorry that others have told you that you will love again.  I'm sure they mean well, but the truth is that most people don't know what to say.  I don't really blame them... It's just stupid altogether.   I suppose it's better than people that simply just don't say anything at all... at least that's it for me.     The mornings are hard.  I shake my head each day when I get out of bed.  It is sad to have to crawl into bed each night, alone.  Then wake up alone.  Even in the middle of the night, you realize you're still alone because the bed is 5-degrees colder.   It's a constant reminder that they are no longer with you.   This grief puts us in a terrible state and losing a partner/spouse is something you never really get over.  There will be forever a hole in our hearts.  I still don't know how I'm going to deal with this.

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After we lost our loved ones, we all have the temptation to die.  Taking care of my kid is the motivation to drive my every day.  Plus reading spiritual materials will broaden your view.

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I decided to start writing memoirs of her and my experiences with her....regardless good or bad ....I write as it hits me to do .....it is really sad knowing my baby is no more in this life.....rip Sophia 

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On 12/17/2017 at 3:59 PM, LoveD said:

After we lost our loved ones, we all have the temptation to die.  Taking care of my kid is the motivation to drive my every day.  Plus reading spiritual materials will broaden your view.

I'm always amazed at you guys for being able to take care of your own grief while taking care of children.  I already have challenges just trying to take care of myself.  Props to you all.

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4 hours ago, Michaelagiri said:

I decided to start writing memoirs of her and my experiences with her....regardless good or bad ....I write as it hits me to do .....it is really sad knowing my baby is no more in this life.....rip Sophia 

I don't do a lot of writing but I know many others write to express their feelings and emotions.   I like to share one exercise I've done in a grief support group.  It will be painful but it was helpful in the long run.

1)  Write a letter to your love one.  Start the letter by saying "I want you to know ......................." and then fill out the rest.

2)  Imagine your loved one writing the same letter to you "I want you to know..................." and then fill out what you believe he/she would say.

It's a very powerful exercise that will draw out a lot of emotions.  I "hurted" for a while after doing this but it helped me in the long run.

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On 12/18/2017 at 3:53 PM, Michaelagiri said:

I decided to start writing memoirs of her and my experiences with her....regardless good or bad ....I write as it hits me to do .....it is really sad knowing my baby is no more in this life.....rip Sophia 

I had been writing journal about my husband whatever hit my mind then for almost three months because I couldn't find related people to talk to during that intensive period of times.  I appreciate every bit support and nice words from my relatives, friends and co-workers.  I realize that I can't blame on people's insensitive words and moving on because they never went through this kind of nightmare as we have.  Think about before my husband's death, I would not have the same sympathy to those widows or widowers as I have right now.

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Just now, LoveD said:

I had been writing journal about my husband whatever hit my mind then for almost three months because I couldn't find related people to talk to during that intensive period of times.  I appreciate every bit support and nice words from my relatives, friends and co-workers.  I realize that I can't blame on people's insensitive words and moving on because they never went through this kind of nightmare as we have.  Think about before my husband's death, I would not have the same sympathy to those widows or widowers as I have right now.

I agree with you.  Aside from sympathy, there's also how people view our grief.  We are not taught about death or are we encouraged to embrace it or learn about it.  Therefore, when I heard about people losing loved ones in the past, I was just very neutral about the situation.  I don't try to comfort the other person but just felt that I should leave them alone and that time will heal them.  Boy... am I wrong!?   It's very true that no one can understand our situation unless they are in it.   Losing a partner is unique.  There have been others here who are no strangers to grief --- but losing a partner is very different in its own way.   I won't fault myself for what I didn't know in the past.  But at least now, I can try to be a rock or at least a warm body for another grieving person ..   We are all capable of doing that now.

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On 12/18/2017 at 8:09 PM, Azipod said:

I'm always amazed at you guys for being able to take care of your own grief while taking care of children.  I already have challenges just trying to take care of myself.  Props to you all.

Taking care of kids is God-sent responsibility.  Whenever I think about my husband either the good time or bad time, I cry.  I cry when I feel frustrated.   My daughter is a teenager.  Whenever I fight with her, I cry.  So many times I wanted to give up.  But I didn’t because I need to support her.  She is still young and full of hope.  Everyone should fullfill his life in this world.  I found Michael Newton’s books very good.  Actually not a few after-life books’ theories are based on his case studies.  I am in the early 50s and prepare to live the rest of my life by myself until I reunite with my husband.  For young people who lost their partners should embrace the new lives after the grieving because every soul should live up to his potential.

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