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Conflict in family

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My adult sister is dying from terminal cancer.  It is very aggressive as she was only diagnosed 2 months ago.  As a result we are all in shock.  I am very close to my sister and have always spoken to her nearly every night on the phone and would meet up regularly.  Another sister has been estranged from all of us for the last 5 years.  I need to qualify that with although she has been estranged, prior to that she has never bothered with me and my brother who are younger.  All of a sudden she came back into our lives and has taken over the care of my sister (my sister has 2 adult children).  I was prepared to accept this if it made my dying sister happy.  However, on a recent visit to the hospice my husband made a remark about dying that upset my sister who is dyng.  My husband was so upset as he wouldn't hurt my sister for the world.  My sisters children understood that and were very gracious.  However,  we were then asked to leave by my sister who is doing the caring.  In addition to this my brother has been staying overnight at the hospice.  There is no need for him to do this but he has gone ahead anyway.  Although he got on with my sister, he is not that close, never having a conversation with her, not knowing her friends etc. I am so angry and upset as I have now been sidelined.  At my last visit, I had to stay at a hotel as I wasn't welcome at my sister's (carer's) house.  I can't believe a slip of the tongue from my husband has resulted in this.  I am having to beg for updates.  I feel so bad not being near my sister and not being there for her in this last week as apart from her children, I was closest to her.  I'm trying to work things out, is my sister the carer jealous of me? am I jealous of her?  My husband make a mistake that he apologised for.  Yet my sister the carer, didn't give it a second thought in getting rid of us.  I'm so confused. Any advice gratefully received.

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Is your sister who is dying able to communicate her wishes? If so, ask her if she is uncomfortable with your husband visiting or you visiting. If she is unable to communicate, ask her adult children who should be making all the decisions concerning her care. 

In the meantime, I'd recommend having a frank conversation with the sister in charge of the care now. People react in strange ways when loved ones are dying. Your brother may be dealing with personal horror and/or guilt over this situation. His staying may be a way of trying to do his best to help. 

Why was your sister estranged in the first place? 

And, I'm going to ask an uncomfortable question--why do you think the sister came back to care for your terminally ill sister? Was it genuine love and regret for the past or is there another reason? 

We will be here with you,


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