18 Years Old and Without a Mom

[neo]

I’m typing this on my phone, so I apologize if there’s spacing errors. I’m also sorry since this is going to be long.

November 5th of this year, I lost my mother from a combination of a cold, Lupus, and Interstitial Lung Disease. (Talk about no immune system.) She was only 56.

I’m 18 and in a big transition in life, even bigger now without her here. I just started college in August, and it feels like just yesterday I was making the four hour drive with her and setting up my dorm room, despite the fact she had to wear a portable oxygen tank. I never minded her being sick; it was an everyday thing. I actually thought she was well enough so that I could go to school far from home. I was severely mistaken.

I held her hand as she died, said what I know I needed to, and told her I loved her, yet I don’t feel any better. I had the luxury of being with her on and off for three months, but now I feel lost.

Lost most likely because I don’t have anyone who can relate to me, in person at least. I feel like I’m drifting, floating as I’m trying to catch up in school, since I know she wanted to see me do well. I can smile, but at the end of the day I’m torn apart by tears and I just wish someone could vent to me like I need to vent to them.

I feel like my friends/schoolmates don’t know how to react to me. It’s almost as if I’m expected to be okay.

She was the only person I would turn to for help; the only one who I let see me cry. She was my world, and I think many of us who lose a parent so young feel a greater loss, perhaps because as we are just beginning our life, theirs are coming to an unjust end. These milestones (marriage, children, etc.) are pushed back later in life, keeping young adults close to their parents longer, still children in a sense. I’m still a child, even if legally I’m considered an adult. And I still need my mom.

Feel free to vent or give your own experience. I’m mainly searching for someone to relate to, because this is a lonely path I’m on.

[sadandlost]

Dear Neo,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  It is hard for all of us to lose a mother.  I am much older than you and I felt like a lost child again.  I still do.  So I can't imagine what it feels like for you transitioning into adult hood and your new life at college and the sudden loss of your mom.  The trauma of being there when she died is a double edge sword.  I understand how you feel in the sense that no one can replace your mom and thats why you feel lost.  Please seek help in the form of grief counselling or therapy because you need help to get you through this.  Don't do what I did which is to wait so long to ask for help.  Its been 10 months since I lost my mom.  I kept hoping things would improve, instead things got worse and I spiralled downward into depression which I thought is normal seeing as I lost my mom.  She was everything to me.  As things got darker for me I decided to see a therapist.  Today was the first day and I wanted to share with you that even though its extremely painful talking about it and embarrassing crying, it helped.  I realise holding it all in for so long was affecting me so deeply and I've become withdrawn and many other symptoms psychological symptoms and coping mechanisms.  You are too young to ruin your education and your beginning in the adult world.  Its too hard to go it alone.  Please seek help.  Use the forum and you'll see you're not alone in your feelings.  We are reading your words.  We are going through it too, we understand.

[tessa]

Hi Neo,
I'm so sorry for you loss.
I found a grief share site on the internet. It's https://www.griefshare.org/
Perhaps you can find a group to help you through.

[neo]

12 hours ago, sadandlost said:

Dear Neo,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  It is hard for all of us to lose a mother.  I am much older than you and I felt like a lost child again.  I still do.  So I can't imagine what it feels like for you transitioning into adult hood and your new life at college and the sudden loss of your mom.  The trauma of being there when she died is a double edge sword.  I understand how you feel in the sense that no one can replace your mom and thats why you feel lost.  Please seek help in the form of grief counselling or therapy because you need help to get you through this.  Don't do what I did which is to wait so long to ask for help.  Its been 10 months since I lost my mom.  I kept hoping things would improve, instead things got worse and I spiralled downward into depression which I thought is normal seeing as I lost my mom.  She was everything to me.  As things got darker for me I decided to see a therapist.  Today was the first day and I wanted to share with you that even though its extremely painful talking about it and embarrassing crying, it helped.  I realise holding it all in for so long was affecting me so deeply and I've become withdrawn and many other symptoms psychological symptoms and coping mechanisms.  You are too young to ruin your education and your beginning in the adult world.  Its too hard to go it alone.  Please seek help.  Use the forum and you'll see you're not alone in your feelings.  We are reading your words.  We are going through it too, we understand.

Thank you and Tessa for the words and advice. I’m going to look for therapy soon enough, because I know it’s the right thing to do for my mental health. I’m going to make her proud, but it’s still a lonely path to walk on. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had without her.

[sadandlost]

Yes it is a lonely path.  I think that every day and I think life will never be the same again.  It doesn't make it less sad Neo but I think having support to express how you feel will be helpful at this stage in your life.

[Ash]

neo,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother at an age like that. I know it can be tough, especially during your first year of college. Since you said you wanted people to relate to, I'll tell you my story in hopes that it can help you to know you're not alone.

I am 18 as well and also just starting college. I lost my mother in October, then my dad in November. I am not going to say I know how you feel, because every person's grief is different. I can empathize with you on at least some level though, so I hope you take at least some comfort in my story to know you're not alone on this road. 

It's going to be tough, and I know it'll be hard to find peers who react to you in an appropriate way. But you are not expected to act like you're okay after going through something like this; the truth is, those people just don't understand. Give yourself the time and space you need to heal, and take care of yourself through this difficult time. <3