Just lost my boyfriend

[Nickole]

So I'm not sure how this works I've never had to have gone through this kind of experience but I feel I need to talk about it. My boyfriend and I lived together with plans of getting married. On November 22nd 2017 I woke up to my alarm going off.  I noticed he never made it to bed which wasn't unusual he hated waking me up so he slept on the couch. I walked past him where it looked like he was sleeping to go to the bathroom. Once I was in the bathroom I instantly thought he was gone that something was wrong. I hurried up went to him on the couch and tried to wake him up and found him unresponsive i couldnt hear him breathing. I was able to move him to where I could see his face and it was purple. I then made a call to 911 where the dispatch lady instructed me to do chest compressions until paramedics arrived. Once they arrived I was able to truly freak out. While having to try and answer difficult questions from police I had to watch the paramedics work. The next sound I heard was a machine they hooked up to him and hear a flat line. I have flashbacks almost every second of the day, my heart is constantly shaking and now when I see someone sleeping I'm afraid that their "gone". I cant sleep i wake up at a very specific time and have a meltdown when 8:52 comes I freak out more because that's when I found him and at 10:24 it's even worse because that's when I heard the flatline. He wasn't close with his family and due to us not being legally tied there is nothing I can do or decide for him and I'm left with the bills that that can make me homeless and make me lose are rescued fur babies.

[Stonesie]

Oh no Nickole, I am so sorry to hear of your loss!  

It's good that you came here, we are all feeling different degrees of what you are feeling, that's for sure.

You need those fur babies, they will help with the grieving - I hope there is a way to keep them.

I wish I had some magic thing to say to make this all better, but there really aren't any.  I have flashback stuff too, it shows up at random times and sends me into sorrow.  I will say that the pain lessens, or maybe more accurately we get accustomed to it over time.  I'm far from better myself and it is coming up on a year.

Are any of the bills in just his name?  You probably could just not pay them since he has passed and you weren't married.

Thinking of you, hang in there.

[M88]

I’m truly sorry for your loss, Nickole.  Finding your partner unresponsive and trying to revive him must have been very traumatic for you.  Hugs.  When we lose a soulmate, our minds, bodies and souls are undergoing the worst battering they’re ever likely to encounter.

In my country, the funeral director takes the person who will be responsible for paying the account, through the paperwork. I recall putting my signature on a number of documents.  Funeral expenses, including the cost of the wake, come out of the deceaseds estate.  

I wasn’t with my partner when he was killed, but my mind, heart and soul replayed his death over and over for a long time.  It took two sleeping tablets to renable me to get a few hours of nightmare free sleep. The nightmares weren’t just about my darling man, but often featured friends and family dying traumatic circumstances.  I still have the odd one, but not as often, and my body and mind has become accustomed to functioning onlittle sleep. 

Have you seen your GP yet?  When you experience a sudden, tramatic death, along with other issues, your entire sense of safety can be wiped out.  This happened to me.  I didn’t even feel safe in my own bed or home.  I still have a lot of issues with feeling safe.  You might want to consider seeing a grief counsellor trained in sudden, traumatic death.  I had lots of counselling from various professionals, including some with a psychologist/ qualified medical therapist. Awesome support and hypnotherapy  has saved my sanity. 

Know you’re in my thoughts, Nickole. 

Sending strength, love and hugs. 

[KayC]

I am very sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you have PTSD from this.  It could be that some EFT might be beneficial.  It'd be good to find a grief counselor that can help you. 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html

http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/emotional-freedom-technique-eft-may-look-weird-but-if-it-gets-the-job-done-do-we-care.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html 

Unless you signed on the dotted line along with him, you shouldn't be responsible for his bills.  In many states that is true even though married.  The hospital put pressure on me to pay George's medical bills, they had 29% interest so I remortgaged my house to pay them all off as we owed $72,000, I later found out I wasn't legally responsible but of course they didn't tell me that part.  Before paying anything it'd be worthwhile to see a financial adviser to let you know what you are and are not responsible for and to give you tips on how to proceed from here.  I'd have been money ahead had I done that.

Coming here can be a lifesaver, without which I don't know what we'd do.  It can feel really overwhelming, so much to do at the very time you least feel up to it.  One day at a time.  Just do today, we can get through one day.  Tomorrow we get up and do it all over again.

Know that you are still connected, even though things have changed, your love continues.

 

 

[Nickole]

All the bills were in my name he would just give me money. I even co signed for his car which I'm now on the hook for. Once his family asked about his expenses the first thing that was brought up was the car.  His family is living good they weren't living paycheck to paycheck like we were once I brought the car they pretty much didn't think it was a big deal and I felt like it was brushed off. His family doesn't live close their spread out across the country their not even going to do anything for him their coming out to pick his ashes up and then leave. I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo and left to pick up the pieces and worry about how I'm going to pay the bills. While they go back home and to their nice houses and cars and not have a worry in the world. 

[lovingstill]

Hi Nickole,

I want to offer my deepest condolences. I lost my boyfriend/best friend/life partner in an eerily similar way on November 17th, and it's been hard separating the days since then.

We were living alone on the west coast of the USA, and both of our families were in other parts of the country when it happened. I was completely by myself, and when I got to him, he still had signs of life, but he left after an hour of the paramedics working on him. I moved out of our apartment and gave up the life we had because I couldn't do it anymore...he made most of the money in our relationship. I made decent money but I didn't make living single, California, money. His family has been very kind to me, but I also worry about bills, etc. I moved home in the interim because it's all I could think to do. What you're experiencing - and what I'm experiencing - are the effects of trauma, and I don't know any words that make it better, but know that I'm here for you, even if it's just via the internet. When it all calms down, see if you can talk to them about his estate, etc.

Know that I'm thinking of you, and I'm so sorry...for you and for me. I'm holding you in my thoughts, prayers, and in the light.

[Paluka]

Nickole,

First, I am very sorry that you are going through this. This is the most significant and stressful experience we can have. Go easy.

I can relate to your feelings about the trauma of finding him and trying to use CPR to bring him back. I experienced the same (including the paramedics). I try not to let the images of Lauri being unresponsive enter my mind but I'm afraid these images are burned in deep. One of the things I do that helps me to think of her in a better way is to watch videos of her and us. These videos do cause me to cry but I also smile a little. It's relentless.

I would talk to anyone (like the car dealership) about current circumstances. I have had to deal with a lot of financial issues since Lauri died. Some people will be all business and may not care. However, I have found many more companies to be very reasonable. It's difficult to reach out and talk about things but it was worth it for me.

I offer my prayers and healing thoughts to you. I am sorry that you have joined us here. Please keep posting and reading. 

[Mellemel]

Nickole,

On September 17, 2017, I found my boyfriend on the couch not breathing as well.  I did chest compressions as well until the paramedics came.  I saw them trying to revive while I was in complete praying/meltdown mode.  One of the police officers gave me false hope when she told me to put some regular clothes on so that I could go to the hospital with him.  Then a paramedic told me that they could not revive him.  I had lost the love of my life.  Like you, we were planning to get married.  I could not make any decisions on the funeral and burial arrangements.  I am thankful that his siblings took care of everything.

I assure you that you will feel better.  After about a month, I started feeling some relief.  Just a little relief.  But a little relief is like a lifetime of achievement compared to the way I had been feeling during  the first month.  I was so depressed.  I contemplated suicide.  I was uncertain of my future because he was supposed to be a part of my future.  I was scared to be alone because he had been my protector.  I talked with my pastor.  I started attending a grief support group in my area.  And I started grief counseling with a therapist.  

It’s been about 2 1/2 months.  I am able to make through most of the day with not major meltdowns.  But I have days when I have major meltdowns.  And some days are down right good days.  Sometimes I have to break my day up by taking a nap in order to feel better or to improve a bad day.  But it gets better a tiny bit every day.

I will keep you and his family in my prayers.  Eventually, you will go from feeling helpless to strength.  

[Azipod]

22 hours ago, Nickole said:

So I'm not sure how this works I've never had to have gone through this kind of experience but I feel I need to talk about it. My boyfriend and I lived together with plans of getting married. On November 22nd 2017 I woke up to my alarm going off.  I noticed he never made it to bed which wasn't unusual he hated waking me up so he slept on the couch. I walked past him where it looked like he was sleeping to go to the bathroom. Once I was in the bathroom I instantly thought he was gone that something was wrong. I hurried up went to him on the couch and tried to wake him up and found him unresponsive i couldnt hear him breathing. I was able to move him to where I could see his face and it was purple. I then made a call to 911 where the dispatch lady instructed me to do chest compressions until paramedics arrived. Once they arrived I was able to truly freak out. While having to try and answer difficult questions from police I had to watch the paramedics work. The next sound I heard was a machine they hooked up to him and hear a flat line. I have flashbacks almost every second of the day, my heart is constantly shaking and now when I see someone sleeping I'm afraid that their "gone". I cant sleep i wake up at a very specific time and have a meltdown when 8:52 comes I freak out more because that's when I found him and at 10:24 it's even worse because that's when I heard the flatline. He wasn't close with his family and due to us not being legally tied there is nothing I can do or decide for him and I'm left with the bills that that can make me homeless and make me lose are rescued fur babies.

Nickole -- I am terribly sorry to hear about this.   It sounds like you went through a very traumatic experience and it tends to re-play itself in your mind.  Grief in itself is already very complex... having these traumatic experiences can make things even more difficult.   Is it possible for you to seek some sort of counseling or therapy?    Here in my area,  a lot of bereavement/hospice centers offer free counseling to those that are in need.   Maybe you can look into this in your area.    From your post, it sounds like the finding of your boyfriend in that condition is going to be something you will have to work with ....  that's on top of the grief itself.   Please look into some help and some options in your area.    Of course you should also use this Forum if you are comfortable with it.   All of us have been through this grief journey and we are the few people you will find out there who truly understands what you are going through.

[Jenn4]

10 hours ago, Nickole said:

All the bills were in my name he would just give me money. I even co signed for his car which I'm now on the hook for. Once his family asked about his expenses the first thing that was brought up was the car.  His family is living good they weren't living paycheck to paycheck like we were once I brought the car they pretty much didn't think it was a big deal and I felt like it was brushed off. His family doesn't live close their spread out across the country their not even going to do anything for him their coming out to pick his ashes up and then leave. I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo and left to pick up the pieces and worry about how I'm going to pay the bills. While they go back home and to their nice houses and cars and not have a worry in the world. 

This is so similar to what I am dealing with now. My boyfriends family refused to come to California to visit until my boyfriend was on his death bed. After he passed it was mainly, just mail me his ashes and FYI does he have any money you know about? I got into a lot of debt because of him which worries me some, but I would do it all over again if that meant I could get more time with him. 

I hope everything ends up working out for you. Maybe look into selling the car, if anything to just get that bill off of your plate. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Nickole said:

All the bills were in my name he would just give me money. I even co signed for his car which I'm now on the hook for. Once his family asked about his expenses the first thing that was brought up was the car.  His family is living good they weren't living paycheck to paycheck like we were once I brought the car they pretty much didn't think it was a big deal and I felt like it was brushed off. His family doesn't live close their spread out across the country their not even going to do anything for him their coming out to pick his ashes up and then leave. I feel like I'm just stuck in limbo and left to pick up the pieces and worry about how I'm going to pay the bills. While they go back home and to their nice houses and cars and not have a worry in the world. 

I am so sorry.  I was once married to someone who five days later moved back to his hometown across the state. He used my credit to the tune of $57,000.00 then quit his job and went into hiding with his GF that he'd kept from me.  The police/DA wouldn't do anything about it, they wouldn't prosecute him, I was just stuck...again, I had to remortgage my house to pay for everything so I wouldn't get half my wages garnished and lose everything!  I will be paying until I am 80, and that coupled with the home repairs I've been hit with in my retirement, make it really hard to get by.  Looking back, I should have filed for bankruptcy.  This might be a consideration for you.  I would schedule a visit with a bankruptcy lawyer to see if that is a viable option for you.  You couldn't have foreseen any of this happening!  I would start by selling the car to get out from under that debt at least.  Let us know how it goes for you, I'm rooting for you!