Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Lost my boyfriend a week ago


Jenn4

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I figured since I get anxiety thinking about talking to a therapist, this is a easier way for me to cope. 

My boyfriend passed away 11/20/2017 and the past week has been a mixture of numbness and hell. 

I have been with him for the past 10 years ( I’m 34 now) and he was my best friend, my biggest supporter, and the love of my life. He collapsed ( I wasn’t there ) and had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital where his heart stopped 3 times before I even showed up to the ER. He was in critical condition and his heart stopped again while being brought upstairs of the hospital. I sat by his bed for the next 5 days and after 3 EEG scans they told us he was brain dead and they disconnected the machines. His body was recovering, which the doctors said was a miracle, but his brain never did. He was an amazingly smart guy who wanted nothing more then to help people. 

Now, it’s been one week and one day since he passed away and I am so lost. I laughed while watching tv the other day and immediately felt so guilty because he won’t be able to laugh anymore. This man, who I talked to almost everyday for the last 10 years is no longer someone I can call, talk to.. confide in.

i am not new to losing a loved one.. my Grandma passed in 2004, my Dad in 2005, my grandpa in 2009 and my aunt in 2015. With so many people around me who have gone, I can’t help but to think.. why me? I am a pretty good person, I like to volunteer at least once a year, I donate gifts during the holidays to the toy drives, I comfort friends and family as much as I can... but then.. here I am... 34 ... and I’ve lost too many people. I feel like losing my boyfriend was the last straw, because now I don’t know how to cope. I try to find joy in everyday things but to be honest, if i could, I would like to crawl into bed and stay there forever. 

Today I cried because I found a small heart my boyfriend gave me a week before he passed. We got into an argument and he bought me a build a bear doll to make things better. He took an extra heart you’re supposed to put in the doll. When I told him  that it should have gone inside the doll, he responded with “ I got an extra heart because I really really love you”  Remebering his words today broke me. How am I supposed to continue to live my life without him when I feel like a part of my soul has died with him?

Does this get any easier?

im sorry this thing is so long , and I don’t know if anyone will even read this. Today I felt alone... alone in my grief. So I googled online forums and here I am.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry for your loss, Jenn4.  Know that your boyfriend would have been aware and taken comfort from your loving presence by his side. Losing a partner that we have chosen out of the biillions of people in the world to chose from, to spend out our lives with, is so different to losing an older family member.  We expect those losses.  Loss of a partner is all too often sprung on us with no warning. 

Cherish those beautiful words your partner spoke about getting an extra heart.  The hearts and souls of us left behind to mourn our much loved partners are really only sustained by what at the time, gave us the warm fuzzies and made us love them all the more. We survive our loss by living just ‘one hour’  or ‘one day at a time’.  If we don’t work our way through the pain of grief. it will catch up on us eventually. 

A few weeks after my darling hubby was killed, I found a tiny shell on his side of the bed - it must have been caught in his shoe from one of our last walks on the beach.  We live near the sea - the sea that was like an extension of our backyard.  I wish I could remember our last walk on the beach.  I can remember almost all our other ‘last’ outings, bar that one. I guess we took our time on the beach for granted. 

Your boyfriend ‘has’ taken a part of your soul with him, Jenn. Whomever coined the phrase ‘the other half’, had to be someone who had experienced a special love - maybe death as well.   Us ‘other halves’  left behind are here supporting each other. We understand and encourage each other as others can’t, in a bid to make it through each day and hopefully, eventually, to rebuild some sort of life for ourselves.  

I don’t like to be the bearer of more bad news, hon, but sadly it does get worse better it gets better. It’s a matter of deep love, deep grief. It’s a friggen tough road we are forced to navigate.  Often three steps forward, two back.  Sadly there are no shortcuts.  There will be bucket loads of tears to be shed along the way as you reflect on the life you and your late partner created together - let them flow.  Tears are healing.- they are words the heart cannot speak. 

Those pesky guilty feelings are common whilst grieving.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, Jenn.  It’s healthy grieving to soak up positive emotions when they occur. The negative feelings will occur leass often as your mind processes your loss and healing begins to tak

Know you’re in my thoughts. Keep reading and posting. 

I send you strength, love and hugs XX 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
10 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

I figured since I get anxiety thinking about talking to a therapist, this is a easier way for me to cope. 

My boyfriend passed away 11/20/2017 and the past week has been a mixture of numbness and hell. 

I have been with him for the past 10 years ( I’m 34 now) and he was my best friend, my biggest supporter, and the love of my life. He collapsed ( I wasn’t there ) and had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital where his heart stopped 3 times before I even showed up to the ER. He was in critical condition and his heart stopped again while being brought upstairs of the hospital. I sat by his bed for the next 5 days and after 3 EEG scans they told us he was brain dead and they disconnected the machines. His body was recovering, which the doctors said was a miracle, but his brain never did. He was an amazingly smart guy who wanted nothing more then to help people. 

Now, it’s been one week and one day since he passed away and I am so lost. I laughed while watching tv the other day and immediately felt so guilty because he won’t be able to laugh anymore. This man, who I talked to almost everyday for the last 10 years is no longer someone I can call, talk to.. confide in.

i am not new to losing a loved one.. my Grandma passed in 2004, my Dad in 2005, my grandpa in 2009 and my aunt in 2015. With so many people around me who have gone, I can’t help but to think.. why me? I am a pretty good person, I like to volunteer at least once a year, I donate gifts during the holidays to the toy drives, I comfort friends and family as much as I can... but then.. here I am... 34 ... and I’ve lost too many people. I feel like losing my boyfriend was the last straw, because now I don’t know how to cope. I try to find joy in everyday things but to be honest, if i could, I would like to crawl into bed and stay there forever. 

Today I cried because I found a small heart my boyfriend gave me a week before he passed. We got into an argument and he bought me a build a bear doll to make things better. He took an extra heart you’re supposed to put in the doll. When I told him  that it should have gone inside the doll, he responded with “ I got an extra heart because I really really love you”  Remebering his words today broke me. How am I supposed to continue to live my life without him when I feel like a part of my soul has died with him?

Does this get any easier?

im sorry this thing is so long , and I don’t know if anyone will even read this. Today I felt alone... alone in my grief. So I googled online forums and here I am.

I hope you are able to let go of the guilt for smiling...it is not grief that binds us but our love, which continues still.  It's okay to smile again, it's good for us.  

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.  I, too, have lost many people, but my husband was by far the hardest.  It is the depth of our love and how much we were intertwined that affects our grief.  

You ask if it gets any easier.  Well the intensity of the pain lessens in time, although it takes a long while before that happens.  Our grief does evolve so it doesn't stay the same.  We get better at coping, adjusting, and eventually learn to incorporate this into our everyday lives.  I've learned to carry him inside of me so I can reach inside and draw from his strength and comfort.  Easier isn't a word I'd use exactly, but we do get better at living with our grief, if that makes any sense.  There is much we can do to help ourselves through it, many articles, books, videos, grief counselor, grief support groups, coming here.

I'm glad you found this place, it really does help to have this place to share and know we're not alone in this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 11/28/2017 at 7:50 PM, Jenn4 said:

I figured since I get anxiety thinking about talking to a therapist, this is a easier way for me to cope. 

My boyfriend passed away 11/20/2017 and the past week has been a mixture of numbness and hell. 

I have been with him for the past 10 years ( I’m 34 now) and he was my best friend, my biggest supporter, and the love of my life. He collapsed ( I wasn’t there ) and had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital where his heart stopped 3 times before I even showed up to the ER. He was in critical condition and his heart stopped again while being brought upstairs of the hospital. I sat by his bed for the next 5 days and after 3 EEG scans they told us he was brain dead and they disconnected the machines. His body was recovering, which the doctors said was a miracle, but his brain never did. He was an amazingly smart guy who wanted nothing more then to help people. 

Now, it’s been one week and one day since he passed away and I am so lost. I laughed while watching tv the other day and immediately felt so guilty because he won’t be able to laugh anymore. This man, who I talked to almost everyday for the last 10 years is no longer someone I can call, talk to.. confide in.

i am not new to losing a loved one.. my Grandma passed in 2004, my Dad in 2005, my grandpa in 2009 and my aunt in 2015. With so many people around me who have gone, I can’t help but to think.. why me? I am a pretty good person, I like to volunteer at least once a year, I donate gifts during the holidays to the toy drives, I comfort friends and family as much as I can... but then.. here I am... 34 ... and I’ve lost too many people. I feel like losing my boyfriend was the last straw, because now I don’t know how to cope. I try to find joy in everyday things but to be honest, if i could, I would like to crawl into bed and stay there forever. 

Today I cried because I found a small heart my boyfriend gave me a week before he passed. We got into an argument and he bought me a build a bear doll to make things better. He took an extra heart you’re supposed to put in the doll. When I told him  that it should have gone inside the doll, he responded with “ I got an extra heart because I really really love you”  Remebering his words today broke me. How am I supposed to continue to live my life without him when I feel like a part of my soul has died with him?

Does this get any easier?

im sorry this thing is so long , and I don’t know if anyone will even read this. Today I felt alone... alone in my grief. So I googled online forums and here I am.

Jenn4 -- First off, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.   It sounds like you are not new to grief but I'm sure you either are, or will start feeling that the lost of your boyfriend is very profound, and very different from your other losses.   Losing someone is never easy, and losing someone when you are young makes it even more unique.    To answer your question.  Yes, I suppose it gets easier with time...  But saying that it's easier or the pain is less is not really the the most accurate way to describe it.   I think the better way to say it is that it's going to feel different with time.   I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I'm at the 5-month mark and to me, in a lot of ways it's actually more painful now that it was before.   In the earlier months, I was hit with the trauma and I was shocked/confused.   During those earlier stages, it felt like someone twice my size repeatedly through blunt punches in my face.  Yes, it's very painful.   Now, the dust has settled and the pain is different.  Now, there's is a huge void and emptiness inside of me.   I am functional as a person.  However, I feel like I'm walking around with a knife lodged inside my body.   It's not as painful as the blunt punches, but it's still very painful in a very different way because I am now "crippled," and I have to move around in constant pain that does not go away.  The pain now is like a shadow that's constantly lurking behind you.  There's no way to escape it.   You will get plenty of advices hear and down the road as you start feeling and expressing your grief hear.   Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself what you need.  This will be a very long journey and whatever healing and comfort we get down the line.... still results in our loved one not being here.   So yeah --- it doesn't really get any better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Before I found this forum I felt alone in my grief. It felt like no one really understood how I felt and how unfair everything that happened was. After reading some posts I realize that the emotions I’m feeling are not only understood but similar to so many of you. It provided some comfort when I needed it most.

Today was a good day, I only cried a little and I was able to live life. It’s definitely a hard journey and what I do fear most is the  future. Just like Azipod said, it’s that pain and void I worry about. People are super understanding of my pain now, but what about in 3 months, 6 months, 3 years down the road? Losing a part of my heart and soul, I can see never feeling whole again. 

I thank the people who responded, you guys made me feel less alone.. less broken. Although, we will all be a little broken as we have all felt this same loss. 

Since today was a good day, I can see some light and positivity for the future... but that is today. The overwhelming emotions come flying back to smack you in the face like a semi truck so who knows if tomorrow I will be an emotional wreck.

I pray that we all find peace and hopefully we all get lots of “normal” days.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

This is the way of grief, like waves crashing, up and down.  You're not alone, we're here for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Jenn4 said:

And just a couple hours later the grief has come back to punch me in the face...

I am sorry to hear that.   It's going to come and go for a while.  During my initial weeks, I was pretty much confused and in a fog.  Yes, people are super understanding to some degree.  However, people will start to scatter in the very near future.  People move on with their life.  People don't dwell around the lost of someone like their partners will.  Some people will stick around a bit longer, which will be an eye opener, but they soon will move on.      The sad truth is that we are the only ones who will be walking this journey, and we do it alone.    I suppose the only silver lining is that with people revolving, there will be some who will come into your life when you least expect it, and will make a difference.  You will build some new relationships with some folks that will come into the picture. 

Where in CA are you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
10 minutes ago, KayC said:

This is the way of grief, like waves crashing, up and down.  You're not alone, we're here for you.

During my initial months, I felt like I was dumped and dropped in the ocean in the middle of the night.   It is complete darkness.   I am treading to stay afloat.  Occasionally, the sea is calm.  But very frequently, waves come crashing onto my body, forcing myself to tread harder.  And at times, giant waves come and momentarily knock me underneath the water.  I'm struggling to survive.  I am losing my breath.  I feel like I am dying.  But I end up surviving.  I end up surviving because I swim harder to get back to the surface.  Once I get there, the sea is calm again but I am exhausted.   It's not over.  I continue to have to tread water.  I tread water at sunrise, at sunset, and every minute  and hour in between.    What's even more scary than being exhausted, is that I am completely lost.  I see nothing in all 360-degrees.  I am lost.  I am left in a hole.   I am scared.  I am all alone.  There is no one here but me.  I am scared.   I am scared because I know that the moment I stop treading, is when I am consumed by grief and I will sink and die.  There is no one else here but me.

The feeling is surreal.   This was the beginning stages of my grief after losing my wife, who I love and miss dearly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
41 minutes ago, Azipod said:

And at times, giant waves come and momentarily knock me underneath the water.  I'm struggling to survive.  I am losing my breath.  I feel like I am dying.  But I end up surviving.  I end up surviving because I swim harder to get back to the surface.  Once I get there, the sea is calm again but I am exhausted. 

That’s how I feel. Struggling to survive and continue living when all I want to do is lay down and cry until I can change the past. Then when I’m at the low points of my day I can’t help but to think about “what if” questions and if there was a way for me to save him. Maybe if I was there next to him I could have done something... anything.. that would have changed the outcome. 

I live in So Cal, per ur previous question. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Jenn4 -- The "what if" questions are always going to be difficult and they never will seem to ease the heart.   The "what if" questions may also be related to survivors guilt.  Either way, there's no reason to blame yourself for what has happened.   The truth is that if we all had the ability to see in the future, then none of us would have any troubles in life, whether it may be grief or something else.    The best way to resolve the 'what if' moments are to think about about your intentions.  Rather than to ask yourself why you did or did not do something, just think about your intentions and what you meant to happen.   By focusing on our intentions, 9 out of 10 times you will see that your intentions would point you towards love.   

I am in NorCal just outside SF.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

20 days later....

The pain is still so deep that at times I can’t breathe. I go to work, sleep, eat... even hang out with friends ... but there is this empty void inside that nothing can fill. Today my music playlist decided to play six songs in a row that my BF liked or reminded me of. I drank some alcohol today and became even more depressed.

Death used to scare me but now I welcome it.... anything to put me out of my misery

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Awe Jen, my heart goes out to you. The hollow void is something common to us all.  Sadly, there is no magic fix.  Nothing or no one can fill the empty void.   But in time, as our minds and souls adjusts to not having the physical presence of our loved ones, the hollowness gets less intense and then hits you in bouts, when triggered.  This is easier to live with than experiencing it every waking moment, as in early grief. 

We just have to keep riding out each wave.  Live each moment or hour or day, as they come.  

I’m sorry I can’t be of more comfort but know that your in my thoughts.  

Sending strength, love and hugs. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Jenn,

I'm sorry.  I played George's CDs all of them (and he had a ton) when he died, wanting to feel what he felt when he listened to them, anything to be closer to him...then I couldn't take it anymore and avoided music.  Music was such a big part of him.  I don't have any answers.  The pain is there no matter what we do it seems.  Drinking doesn't help, it only hurts, but I sure can understand it.

I feel what M88 said...ditto, I can't do anything, but I care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

M88- it really does come in waves. It’s crazy. One minute I could be happy and feel so normal and the next minute I find myself crying uncontrollably. Alcohol def didn’t help but to bring more of the depressed feelings to the surface

KayC- my bf loves music too. Sometimes I can listen to a song here or there and think of the happy memories and other times the music cuts into me like a knife. I want to feel close to him and other times want to avoid everything he liked so I don’t have to think of it.

our anniversary is on dec 15...

then comes Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day.... I don’t know how you guys survived it. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
15 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

20 days later....

The pain is still so deep that at times I can’t breathe. I go to work, sleep, eat... even hang out with friends ... but there is this empty void inside that nothing can fill. Today my music playlist decided to play six songs in a row that my BF liked or reminded me of. I drank some alcohol today and became even more depressed.

Death used to scare me but now I welcome it.... anything to put me out of my misery

I won't tell you that your feelings and experiences are "normal" because I've said that enough lately on this forum.  I will say that, and hopefully this helps you, is that each one of us have felt or is currently feeling exactly the same way as you are.    The grief is very intense, consuming, and demanding.  The pain sometimes is so intense that it draws you down to your knees and our faces let out a waterfall.    I, like you, was totally afraid of death in the past.   I worried about when and how it was going to happen, and whether it would be painful.   Now that my wife has already gone away, there is absolutely no reason for me to be afraid of death at all.   I welcome and invite death to come find me these days.   I hope so much each day that when I close my eyes and sleep, that I will not wake up.    In other words, I am so ready to go.   I'm just waiting for it to take me. I have no purpose here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Jenn4 said:

M88- it really does come in waves. It’s crazy. One minute I could be happy and feel so normal and the next minute I find myself crying uncontrollably. Alcohol def didn’t help but to bring more of the depressed feelings to the surface

KayC- my bf loves music too. Sometimes I can listen to a song here or there and think of the happy memories and other times the music cuts into me like a knife. I want to feel close to him and other times want to avoid everything he liked so I don’t have to think of it.

our anniversary is on dec 15...

then comes Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day.... I don’t know how you guys survived it. 

I don't think any of us "survived" our grief, but merely just existed through it.   I am a zombie.  I'm entirely crippled, and limping around life dragging behind my broken leg (and heart).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Azipod said:

  I welcome and invite death to come find me these days.   I hope so much each day that when I close my eyes and sleep, that I will not wake up.    In other words, I am so ready to go.   I'm just waiting for it to take me. I have no purpose here.

Ugh, it sucks how something like this happens and you just kind of lose the will to live..

Being crippled is definitely how I feel too... just damaged and broken...how I would love to crawl into a hole and just stay there

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
8 minutes ago, Jenn4 said:

Ugh, it sucks how something like this happens and you just kind of lose the will to live..

Being crippled is definitely how I feel too... just damaged and broken...how I would love to crawl into a hole and just stay there

Jenn, I lost my wonderful boyfriend on November 17th, and every day has been a mess. I have had a couple of good days, but the more time that goes on, the harder it becomes for me. I am upset to wake up every day and wonder why I couldn't go, too. If there is any hope of meeting him in the afterlife, I keep thinking, then I'd be okay with leaving this earth. The pain is unbearable, and I don't see past today for me, or past tomorrow, or anything. It feels like I'm here for the benefit of others, and it's awful. I just want to close my eyes and not wake up. I get it - I totally get it, and I have come to my parents' house and have essentially crawled into a hole and haven't come out since  it all happened. I know people say it gets better, but I don't know how it can get better when I've lost the love of my life (also in California, by the way, but I've since moved to be with family).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
12 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

Jenn, I lost my wonderful boyfriend on November 17th, and every day has been a mess. I have had a couple of good days, but the more time that goes on, the harder it becomes for me. I am upset to wake up every day and wonder why I couldn't go, too. If there is any hope of meeting him in the afterlife, I keep thinking, then I'd be okay with leaving this earth. The pain is unbearable, and I don't see past today for me, or past tomorrow, or anything. It feels like I'm here for the benefit of others, and it's awful. I just want to close my eyes and not wake up. I get it - I totally get it, and I have come to my parents' house and have essentially crawled into a hole and haven't come out since  it all happened. I know people say it gets better, but I don't know how it can get better when I've lost the love of my life (also in California, by the way, but I've since moved to be with family).

I know what you mean by having to comfort others..

my bf’s siblings would call or text looking for comfort and so I tell them how much he loved his family but then I think, the one person who could have comforted me is the one who is gone. He passed away on Nov 20th... each day feels like an eternity without him and the once happy future I used to think of is gray and murky and uncertain.

how unfair he had to pass... how unfair Your bf had to pass... it’s so hard to keep faith when there is so much pain.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 minutes ago, Jenn4 said:

I know what you mean by having to comfort others..

my bf’s siblings would call or text looking for comfort and so I tell them how much he loved his family but then I think, the one person who could have comforted me is the one who is gone. He passed away on Nov 20th... each day feels like an eternity without him and the once happy future I used to think of is gray and murky and uncertain.

how unfair he had to pass... how unfair Your bf had to pass... it’s so hard to keep faith when there is so much pain.

It's incredibly hard for me - we haven't eve had the memorial service yet. We haven't gotten autopsy results.  It's a period of prolonged mourning for me.

And I totally get it. I've been in constant contact with his parents and his siblings. I ended up packing our house by myself and they are only now going through his stuff. He was, without a doubt, the love of my life -- and I can't see a future without him. It's hard. We're young. I'm 29 (so was he), and I lost him suddenly and unexpectedly.

I'm here if you want to talk. I get it. It's so unfair that they both had to go. I'm empty without him. I feel like there's no purpose anymore, which is crazy because when he was alive, I never thought that my life could get this different or could be impacted this way. We had plans to get married, to raise a family, to buy a home. None of those things came to fruition, and you and I are stuck here...mourning the loss of the loves of our lives.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Jenn4 said:

I know what you mean by having to comfort others..

my bf’s siblings would call or text looking for comfort and so I tell them how much he loved his family but then I think, the one person who could have comforted me is the one who is gone. He passed away on Nov 20th... each day feels like an eternity without him and the once happy future I used to think of is gray and murky and uncertain.

how unfair he had to pass... how unfair Your bf had to pass... it’s so hard to keep faith when there is so much pain.

Jenn4, what you said is really true.  It's hard enough to have to deal with our loss but sometimes helping others while you are grieving yourself makes it even more difficult.  Sometimes trying to tackle our own grief is already consuming.   During my earlier months, there was the Las Vegas shooting and the wild fires up in Northern CA.   I was in a very selfish mode... I could have cared less about those tragedies because I had my own tragedy to deal with.   Heck, I even felt that I would happily give up MY LIFE for one of the victims in Las Vegas who wanted to live.    In a slightly different topic .. you are also correct about needing to be comforted by your own partner, and not someone else.  That's what partners are for.  One of the most devastating realities to this loss is that the one who we count on the most during a crisis (such as this!!!!), is the one that is gone and not here.  That in itself is a huge problem for all of us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I know people say it gets better, but I don't know how it can get better when I've lost the love of my life (also in California, by the way, but I've since moved to be with family).

It doesn't get better.  It just gets different.  If you allow yourself to grieve properly, in time, the pain will be less intense.  Still, the emptiness, loneliness, and the void that is in your heart will be forever etched into it.   It will also be painful .... but in a different way.    In my book, "better" means that I can somehow have my wife back.   If my wife is gone FOREVER, there is nobody, nothing, nada in this world that would make things "better."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

Ugh, it sucks how something like this happens and you just kind of lose the will to live..

Being crippled is definitely how I feel too... just damaged and broken...how I would love to crawl into a hole and just stay there

Jenn4, you are so not alone with these thoughts.   Welcome to our club .... the one that no body wants to be a part of.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, lovingstill said:

It's incredibly hard for me - we haven't eve had the memorial service yet. We haven't gotten autopsy results.  It's a period of prolonged mourning for me.

And I totally get it. I've been in constant contact with his parents and his siblings. I ended up packing our house by myself and they are only now going through his stuff. He was, without a doubt, the love of my life -- and I can't see a future without him. It's hard. We're young. I'm 29 (so was he), and I lost him suddenly and unexpectedly.

I'm here if you want to talk. I get it. It's so unfair that they both had to go. I'm empty without him. I feel like there's no purpose anymore, which is crazy because when he was alive, I never thought that my life could get this different or could be impacted this way. We had plans to get married, to raise a family, to buy a home. None of those things came to fruition, and you and I are stuck here...mourning the loss of the loves of our lives.

We are in the same boat!

We were waiting for the autopsy report Too and today they called and said we wouldn’t find out until Feb... Feb!!! Wtf? They need to run some more tests...

its hard enough he is gone, but I also want him to be at peace. I don’t understand how things like this take so long.. it’s just so unfair.

We talked about marriage and kids and our future together all the time... and now none of that is possible. I’m 34... but I can’t see a future for me without him...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
18 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

our anniversary is on dec 15...

then comes Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day.... I don’t know how you guys survived it. 

That is a lot of "special days" to be hit with, especially so soon.  I'll be thinking of you and praying for you as you go through them.

It helps to plan in advance, if you can, what you will do with those days.  Take the first one, your anniversary, to start with.  Is there someone you can go with to his favorite restaurant with and think about him and remember him with...I know it won't be a "day of celebration" like it was when he was alive, but ignoring it doesn't always work either.  Just a thought...

Here's an article on handling special days:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
49 minutes ago, KayC said:

That is a lot of "special days" to be hit with, especially so soon.  I'll be thinking of you and praying for you as you go through 

These first special days are hard because they are so soon after his death.. but then I feel next year will be harder because it will sink in more...

i will hang out with friends or family on those days... not sure if I can go to his favorite restaurant ... it hurts to drive by the restaurants that he didn’t even like so much. 

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers

all the support this site has really helps

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

yes I know what you are going through. I lost my fiancee three weeks ago Thanksgiving. I just finished spreading his ashes and saying goodbye. I'm at the crying time

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know what you are going through. I lost my fiancee three weeks ago Thanksgiving. I just finished spreading his ashes and saying goodbye. I just wish I could stop crying. I miss him so much!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
11 minutes ago, Terri5 said:

yes I know what you are going through. I lost my fiancee three weeks ago Thanksgiving. I just finished spreading his ashes and saying goodbye. I'm at the crying time

I’m so sorry. I lost my amazing soulmate November 17th and it’s been nothing but tears for me since then. Waking up is hard. So sad that we’ve all found each other here — it pains me to think there could be this much suffering.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My wife of 11 years passed away 18Nov17; needless to say, I was completely taken by how you explained your feelings and what you’ve been going through, and no need for apologies -never apologize for writing too much, feeling bad, or upset to anyone. I’ve only replied to one other post, but it’s clear to me that we have been walking the same terrible path for however long we’ve been without the person we love.

I hope my reply helps, or at least let’s you know that someone else out here truly has an understanding of how devastating this is for you.

Donnie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Donnie_A said:

My wife of 11 years passed away 18Nov17; needless to say, I was completely taken by how you explained your feelings and what you’ve been going through, and no need for apologies -never apologize for writing too much, feeling bad, or upset to anyone. I’ve only replied to one other post, but it’s clear to me that we have been walking the same terrible path for however long we’ve been without the person we love.

I hope my reply helps, or at least let’s you know that someone else out here truly has an understanding of how devastating this is for you.

Donnie

Donnie - It is indeed devastating to say the least.  Losing a loved one practically destroys us.  Despite going through months of grief processing, I still feel so defeated.  How can I not?  Life has robbed us of our life partner.   I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.  My heart drops like a ton of bricks every time I see a new member.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/11/2017 at 7:27 PM, Azipod said:

Jenn4, what you said is really true.  It's hard enough to have to deal with our loss but sometimes helping others while you are grieving yourself makes it even more difficult.  Sometimes trying to tackle our own grief is already consuming.   During my earlier months, there was the Las Vegas shooting and the wild fires up in Northern CA.   I was in a very selfish mode... I could have cared less about those tragedies because I had my own tragedy to deal with.   Heck, I even felt that I would happily give up MY LIFE for one of the victims in Las Vegas who wanted to live.    In a slightly different topic .. you are also correct about needing to be comforted by your own partner, and not someone else.  That's what partners are for.  One of the most devastating realities to this loss is that the one who we count on the most during a crisis (such as this!!!!), is the one that is gone and not here.  That in itself is a huge problem for all of us.

I sometimes find it hard to feel “ sorry” for people going through their own crisis too. Recently my co worker’s home was damaged when a huge tree fell on her house ... she was all flustered and scared. No one was hurt and she left work early and instead of feeling bad for her, I wanted to be like... at least no one died, get over it. Obviously I didn’t say that, but I wanted to.

Yesterday was another hard day.. well.. all days are hard... but it was harder then the other days. It scares me to think that this is just the beginning... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
20 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

These first special days are hard because they are so soon after his death.. but then I feel next year will be harder because it will sink in more...

i will hang out with friends or family on those days... not sure if I can go to his favorite restaurant ... it hurts to drive by the restaurants that he didn’t even like so much. 

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers

all the support this site has really helps

 

You are already thinking about what works for YOU, and that's good.  It's different for everyone.

You are right about the second year, many say it's harder.  I don't think anything was harder than that first year, getting the news, planning a funeral, etc., it was all so hard.  I think some people expect the second year to be better and so it feels worse when it's not.  It just plain takes great time and effort to process this.  I think it took me a good three years, but again, everyone is different.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
19 hours ago, Terri5 said:

yes I know what you are going through. I lost my fiancee three weeks ago Thanksgiving. I just finished spreading his ashes and saying goodbye. I'm at the crying time

I am sorry for your loss.  The crying time will be for quite some time.  It's been 12 years for me, I don't cry very often anymore, but I carry my grief inside of me, I've learned to coexist with it.  The missing him continues...
I hope you will read the different threads here, it helps to know there are others going through the same thing, feeling the same feelings.  This is not unlike a support group, we're here for each other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/12/2017 at 8:42 AM, Terri5 said:

yes I know what you are going through. I lost my fiancee three weeks ago Thanksgiving. I just finished spreading his ashes and saying goodbye. I'm at the crying time

It’s so hard losing them around the holidays

i kept saying, why should I be thankful for anything? 

So much anger, then pain, then anger... my crying comes in waves.. one minute I’m laughing or feeling normal and the next I can’t stop crying because reality comes to punch me in the face. I will be praying for you too

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/12/2017 at 5:22 PM, Donnie_A said:

My wife of 11 years passed away 18Nov17; needless to say, I was completely taken by how you explained your feelings and what you’ve been going through, and no need for apologies -never apologize for writing too much, feeling bad, or upset to anyone. I’ve only replied to one other post, but it’s clear to me that we have been walking the same terrible path for however long we’ve been without the person we love.

I hope my reply helps, or at least let’s you know that someone else out here truly has an understanding of how devastating this is for you.

Donnie

I’m sorry for your loss... 

The thing I did notice about this forum, I posted before I read any other posts and came here with a random online search because I felt like no one could understand me. Then after reading the other posts and hearing the replies from people, I realized that I am not alone. The emotions that I am going through now, everyone has had them too. Some of us who recently lost the love of our lives and those who have lost them years ago. But we all grieve together.

thank you for replying, it really does help. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Jenn4 said:

I’m sorry for your loss... 

The thing I did notice about this forum, I posted before I read any other posts and came here with a random online search because I felt like no one could understand me. Then after reading the other posts and hearing the replies from people, I realized that I am not alone. The emotions that I am going through now, everyone has had them too. Some of us who recently lost the love of our lives and those who have lost them years ago. But we all grieve together.

thank you for replying, it really does help. 

I came here because my city (a large one) doesn't have an active bereavement group for young people who have lost their partners, and I need that support right now more than anything.

We aren't alone; it's unfortunate. I wake up every day and I remember how I last saw him and I wish myself back to sleep on most days.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

My town had never had a grief support group so I started one this year.  I wanted to in the early days but I wasn't ready.  My heart is with those suffering loss, I never want anyone to feel alone and out on a limb like I did before I found a grief forum, I'm lucky I found it early on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Jenn4 said:

I’m sorry for your loss... 

The thing I did notice about this forum, I posted before I read any other posts and came here with a random online search because I felt like no one could understand me. Then after reading the other posts and hearing the replies from people, I realized that I am not alone. The emotions that I am going through now, everyone has had them too. Some of us who recently lost the love of our lives and those who have lost them years ago. But we all grieve together.

thank you for replying, it really does help. 

Jenn4.  I find the same type of comfort here on the forum.  Out in the real world, there are little to no body out there that truly understands what we are going through.  There maybe sympathy and support and good intentions, but most out  there have absolutely no clue what we endure day in and day out.   The emotions we all express hear are very real, whether it is for a recent loss or for a more established member.  Our community here grieves together.   We all go through the cycles.  It doesn't matter if we are new to this party or not.     It also helps me to see older members, such as the ones who had losses 2 years ++ pop in just to give us a short update on their journey.    What I have realized that it is going to be a VERY long journey -- one that stretches a lifetime.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
1 hour ago, Jenn4 said:

So much anger, then pain, then anger... my crying comes in waves.. one minute I’m laughing or feeling normal and the next I can’t stop crying because reality comes to punch me in the face. I will be praying for you too

Know that it is OK to let out your emotions.   You will run into folks that believe that the grief process is defined by pre-established time periods (ie. 6 months, 1-year).  There is no such thing.  Every one grieves differently and the duration of our grief is affected by a long list of factors.    For myself, I thought during my earlier days that at the 6-month mark I was going to be OK.  Now that I'm coming up on it, I've quickly realized that my earlier expectations were unrealistic.   I have a long way to go.  Not because I am not doing well.  It's because I've realized that my processing of my grief will take the time that it needs and I cannot control how fast I want to process the grief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 12/12/2017 at 10:28 PM, Jenn4 said:

I sometimes find it hard to feel “ sorry” for people going through their own crisis too. Recently my co worker’s home was damaged when a huge tree fell on her house ... she was all flustered and scared. No one was hurt and she left work early and instead of feeling bad for her, I wanted to be like... at least no one died, get over it. Obviously I didn’t say that, but I wanted to.

Yesterday was another hard day.. well.. all days are hard... but it was harder then the other days. It scares me to think that this is just the beginning... 

Isn't that so true!?   Property can be replaced but lives cannot.   I'd take my home with a collapsed on it over the loss of a partner/spouse any day!

The grief process is demanding.  It IS hard and difficult.  But the grief evolves.  There will always be pain.   It's just going to be different.  Coming up on 6-months, I'm now starting to feel what a lifetime of this sadness means.  I've heard it discussed before, but I'm starting to feel what my "new life" is without my spouse.  It is not pretty.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
4 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

I’m sorry for your loss... 

The thing I did notice about this forum, I posted before I read any other posts and came here with a random online search because I felt like no one could understand me. Then after reading the other posts and hearing the replies from people, I realized that I am not alone. The emotions that I am going through now, everyone has had them too. Some of us who recently lost the love of our lives and those who have lost them years ago. But we all grieve together.

thank you for replying, it really does help. 

Today isn’t a good day (not that I could know what a good one should look like now at this point), I really don’t know what to do with myself. I know everyone here is dealing with the losing someone - I really worry because I just don’t know if this helps me, or will help me. I’m sure I probably sound crazy, because when I read my own writing it doesn’t make sense, and I want it to make sense.  Losing my wife doesn’t make sense, and it’s crushing my soul.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
37 minutes ago, Donnie_A said:

Today isn’t a good day (not that I could know what a good one should look like now at this point), I really don’t know what to do with myself. I know everyone here is dealing with the losing someone - I really worry because I just don’t know if this helps me, or will help me. I’m sure I probably sound crazy, because when I read my own writing it doesn’t make sense, and I want it to make sense.  Losing my wife doesn’t make sense, and it’s crushing my soul.

Hi Donnie.  I know how you feel.  I lost my wife as well.   

You are correct -- there really aren't "good days" anymore.  The days now are varying degrees of terrible.   The loss of your wife is very recent.  During the earlier weeks, I was extremely lost, confused, and shocked.   The initial wave of grief, which lasted months, was intense and debilitating.    There is no way out of this misery.  Things are bad, and will get worse (even for me near the 6-month mark).    Things don't make sense.  Your feelings won't make sense.  The entire ordeal doesn't make sense.  The thing to understand is that you will feel confused and hurt.  There really isn't any sense to anything because there is no sense to grief.  All we can do is face it, experience it, and dive them into it so that it gets "processed."

I would encourage you to seek all options for help during this critical period.  Do you have family nearby?  Can you get counseling?  Are there grief support groups in your area?   Going through the initial wave is terrifying   -- Nothing you do will eliminate the pain and fear but there are other things/activities you can incorporate into your life for the time being which can help a bit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm very sorry for your loss jenn4 and everyone else I lost my bf 3 months ago suddenly I understand how everyone feels these few months haven't been easy it's been hard. It's hard to believe it's been this long without him. It's gotten a little easier I still have days that I cry a lot and wonder why this happened I miss him everyday I'm glad that I knew him and had the time that I had with him even tho it was a short time. This pain and saddness will never go away completely I've been like a zombie but I've been a little better then how I was in the beginning I'm young too 35 I don't think about the future without him I just go day to day that's all u can do I'm sorry for anyone that has to go through this it's hell 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, Loss of bf said:

I'm very sorry for your loss jenn4 and everyone else I lost my bf 3 months ago suddenly I understand how everyone feels these few months haven't been easy it's been hard. It's hard to believe it's been this long without him. It's gotten a little easier I still have days that I cry a lot and wonder why this happened I miss him everyday I'm glad that I knew him and had the time that I had with him even tho it was a short time. This pain and saddness will never go away completely I've been like a zombie but I've been a little better then how I was in the beginning I'm young too 35 I don't think about the future without him I just go day to day that's all u can do I'm sorry for anyone that has to go through this it's hell 

It's is indeed hell.  It also feels like we are locked up in prison, serving a life term for a crime that we did not commit.   I am also in my 30s.  It is devastating because there are not a lot of us our there at this age group.  Don't expect your general social group to understand what you are going through.    You are also correct that the pain and sadness will never go away.   We will forever have emptiness, a void, or otherwise a hole in our hearts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, Azipod said:

For myself, I thought during my earlier days that at the 6-month mark I was going to be OK.  Now that I'm coming up on it, I've quickly realized that my earlier expectations were unrealistic. 

I'm glad I DIDN'T know in the beginning what I'd have to go through.  One day at a time is good for not just inviting anxiety, it is only way day of troubles we can face.  I think I knew I'd always miss him, but I couldn't have known how long it'd take to process his death, to adjust to being alone, or even for the grief fog to begin to lift.  I didn't know that I wouldn't watch t.v. for a year or be able to read a book for the fun of it for ten years.  This is the hardest hitting thing I've ever been through in my life!  I'm active in the loss of pet section also, and I restrain myself from telling them that even though the pain they are feeling is similar to the pain I felt losing my husband, and even though it affects your everyday patterns and life, the similarity stops there, because losing your spouse affects EVERY aspect of your life!  I've learned it's not good in grief to "compare losses" because in so doing we devalue someone's loss, which is very real to them, and yet, having experienced both, I understand the complexities of each.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
12 hours ago, Azipod said:

I am also in my 30s.  It is devastating because there are not a lot of us our there at this age group.  Don't expect your general social group to understand what you are going through.

That is for sure.  I was 52 when it happened and even so, there wasn't anyone in my age group that understood or went through it, most are in their 70s, 80s, and beyond.  Even so, in your 30s, it must be all the more unique because that is the time you're starting out, some are just getting married, having babies, buying a house.  Their lives are starting out, not ending!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
19 hours ago, Donnie_A said:

Today isn’t a good day (not that I could know what a good one should look like now at this point), I really don’t know what to do with myself. I know everyone here is dealing with the losing someone - I really worry because I just don’t know if this helps me, or will help me. I’m sure I probably sound crazy, because when I read my own writing it doesn’t make sense, and I want it to make sense.  Losing my wife doesn’t make sense, and it’s crushing my soul.

Donnie, I don't know if you've seen this posted yet or not, but I like to give it to those newer here as some of these things they may not have thought of.  I couldn't even THINK in my early days!  My daughter had to follow me around the house with a glass of water because of the edema I got as a result of my new grief and the shock it was to my system.  I wrote this from what I've learned in the last 12 years on my journey.  You ask if it helps to be around our losses or not, I think so.  It helps to know you aren't crazy.  It helps to know that what we are feeling is normal in grief.  It helps to know we will get through this.  There were times in my early grief I wasn't so sure if I would.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
2 hours ago, KayC said:

That is for sure.  I was 52 when it happened and even so, there wasn't anyone in my age group that understood or went through it, most are in their 70s, 80s, and beyond.  Even so, in your 30s, it must be all the more unique because that is the time you're starting out, some are just getting married, having babies, buying a house.  Their lives are starting out, not ending!

Indeed most people are posting photos of their little ones.  It makes me feel inferior.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.