bumpy road

[walker67]

Sorry, Ive never been on a forum thing so Im not even sure what Im doing is right. I wasn't sure if going to a place where everyone is hurting as much as I am or even worse was a good place for a fella like me to go. I lost my Ellen last September. The 22nd. 2:35 pm. I sat in the ICU as the priest read her the last rights. We weren't married, but she was my mate for life. I feel like that goose thats just standing beside the road after his mate got hit by a car. It won't leave her. Cant. I often wonder what happens to him. If he starves? Walks out in traffic? Im a timber faller. Have been for 30 years. Ive seen a lot of death. Close friends. Sat with my brother for 2 weeks in a ICU after he got hit by a tree. Ellen took care of me. She gave me a life that guys like me only dream of. I was the one that was suppose to go first. Now she is gone. I sit in my room once a week and get drunk. I know its wrong, but I don't care anymore. I wake up. Hungover. Miss work. Apologize to the people I let down and then do it again the next week. The world won't let me crawl in the hole I want to crawl into. I understand the cycle of life, but I don't like it. If I don't work, the ones I love will suffer, but the purpose has been stripped away from me. My kids are grown and they need their dad, I know, but the one person that made me feel like a man has left. I guess my question is this: I don't want to let her go. I get drunk so I can feel the pain more. Its stupid, but it makes me feel closer to her. Is this part of it all? Or am I just standing alongside the road waiting to get hit by a truck?

[KayC]

walker,

I'm so glad you've found your way here.  I'm so sorry you lost your Ellen.  Those here understand your feelings as we've been through it and many are still in the early days as you are.  I lost my George 12 1/2 years ago.  In the beginning I wanted to wrap my car around a tree at 120 mph.  But my faith wouldn't let me, neither could I because I didn't want to hurt my family.  But I wanted to. Finally I realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I knew I'd have to go through if I lived.  

The best advice I ever got was to take one day at a time.  To look at the whole "rest of my life" was overwhelming and invited anxiety.  To live in the past was to miss what good there could be in the present.  I have to do today.  Then tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.  I can handle today.  I can make it through today.  I can't take on the whole "rest of my life".

A word of caution, alcohol is a depressant...not what you need right now.  Grief has depressive symptoms in itself, so the last thing we need is something that causes further depression.  Try to take steps to help yourself, to give yourself optimal chance for feeling better, not worse.  You still have kids to live for.  I know, it's not the same, but it's something.

A very important thing to keep in mind is, it is not our grief that binds us, but our love, and our love continues still.

I want to share an article I wrote from my 12 years of what I've learned on this journey in the hopes there will be something you can take from it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Francine]

I am so very sorry for your loss and know your pain only too well.  Ellen sounds like a lovely women and just from your post, it is evident the love you had for her.  Death is probably the most challenging thing a human can face. It breaks us down. It brings us to our knees. Some people are so significant in our lives that the mere thought of living without them feels incredibly overwhelming and incapacitating.  That's how I felt when I lost my Charles, the man I was blessed to have shared my life with for nearly forty-five years.  There were so many thoughts that filled my mind when I came back from the hospital after he was pronounced decease.  The number one was denial.  I felt confused, humiliated, alone. I felt a variety of feelings and emotions. But the one that I always will remember is the feeling of loss. I had lost everything I ever wanted and had.  The family, the life and most importantly: the man. The man I had loved for forty five years had died. His body was still there but his soul was gone. Everything I ever thought of him was gone. His words were gone. His spiritual presence was gone.  There is a lot more to life than a physical body. Millions of people have experienced the death of their loved ones without ever having to plan their funeral.

I kept going back and forth between missing him and hating him for leaving. At times the mixed emotions felt like I was literally sinking into insanity. One moment I would cry and the next I would yell. Nobody told me that grief does that to people, and because I didn't know what I was feeling was normal, I felt even more alone. I know what it feels like to not want to get out of bed. I know what it feels like to not want to take a shower, or brush my teeth or even eat.  I know what is like to lose twenty pounds in six weeks;  I know the feeling like the world has ended and you were left behind alone and miserable.  I have been there, so believe me when I say that there is hope.  There is, in fact, a light in the end of the depression tunnel. But the only way to get to that light is to walk through it. There is no way of getting around the process, and the earlier you begin the journey of mourning and healing, the sooner you will reach some kind of peace.  And you already know what, alcohol is not the answer. Oh yeah, it will dull the pain for a moment but just think about it, hiding your pain only intensifies it.  Alcohol makes us run from our problems, trying to escape the pain, because we’re afraid there’s no end, no help, and that we aren’t strong enough.  But we are stronger than we realize it and we're going to make it.  The grief journey may be long but there is no race and no competition. It's a journey with yourself. There will be days when you will feel stronger than ever and some days will bring you back to your knees.   Just remember: The rollercoaster is the journey. So even when you are down feeling as if you made no progress, remember that progress is being made every day you choose to be alive. Progress is being made every day you choose not to resort to drinking.  Progress is being made every day you choose to take another breath.  And as hard as it may seem, You are alive. You are strong. You will survive and Ellen would have wanted you to.

I hope you continue to post and know that you are in my prayers. 

 

[KMB]

10 hours ago, walker67 said:

Sorry, Ive never been on a forum thing so Im not even sure what Im doing is right. I wasn't sure if going to a place where everyone is hurting as much as I am or even worse was a good place for a fella like me to go. I lost my Ellen last September. The 22nd. 2:35 pm. I sat in the ICU as the priest read her the last rights. We weren't married, but she was my mate for life. I feel like that goose thats just standing beside the road after his mate got hit by a car. It won't leave her. Cant. I often wonder what happens to him. If he starves? Walks out in traffic? Im a timber faller. Have been for 30 years. Ive seen a lot of death. Close friends. Sat with my brother for 2 weeks in a ICU after he got hit by a tree. Ellen took care of me. She gave me a life that guys like me only dream of. I was the one that was suppose to go first. Now she is gone. I sit in my room once a week and get drunk. I know its wrong, but I don't care anymore. I wake up. Hungover. Miss work. Apologize to the people I let down and then do it again the next week. The world won't let me crawl in the hole I want to crawl into. I understand the cycle of life, but I don't like it. If I don't work, the ones I love will suffer, but the purpose has been stripped away from me. My kids are grown and they need their dad, I know, but the one person that made me feel like a man has left. I guess my question is this: I don't want to let her go. I get drunk so I can feel the pain more. Its stupid, but it makes me feel closer to her. Is this part of it all? Or am I just standing alongside the road waiting to get hit by a truck?

This forum is as good as it gets, for interacting with those  who truly understand the loss of a life partner.  It hurts whenever there is a new member and there have been many lately. Gives a lot of pauses for thinking on the meaning of this life.  The sorrows balance out the joys and the sorrows are devastating, shattering, unbearable, unthinkable.

I am deeply sorry you lost your Ellen. She was made just for you and I know the devastating pain you feel. We all have our love stories here and we all thought we were going to have that happily ever after life and dying of old age together, wrapped in each other's arms, or at least next to each other holding hands. Life certainly had other plans for us and I do not agree with it. I hate it and I fight it. It is a losing battle and we have no choice, but to pick up what pieces we can and go into survival mode.

My husband was in the forestry industry also. In his younger years, he worked both in the woods and hauling out the wood to the mills. When he got into his 40's and his body let him know he couldn't do both, he opted for the trucking. I handled all the bookkeeping. We were partners in every way. I often would ride in the truck with him. Just a way so we could spend as much time together as possible. We had just started on the process of retiring, when he passed suddenly of cardiac arrest. He had a buyer for his truck just the month before. I was in shock for a long time. We were looking forward to our retirement years.He was always active, an excellent provider. He deserved those retirement years and we were both robbed of that. That is how I was seeing it at the time and sometimes my mind goes back to those thoughts. Right now, I am stuck in this existence that is hell without him. My husband is in Heaven, a place of peace and love, with God. He earned that place with God and someday I will join him. I have our pets here that still need me. They have given me the purpose to stay here and get up every day. I talk to my husband out loud a lot. I promised him I would take care of our pets and I would keep trying in getting through each day. This is a tough, lonely road to be on. But, I know and have my husband's love, feel blessed I was chosen to spend the rest of his life with him and I know he is waiting for me.

Your question?  You don't have to let your wife "go". There is no such thing!  You are both a part of each other and always will be.  Ellen is always in your heart and walking beside you. If you stay aware, have an open heart and mind, you will feel her presence, she will leave signs that she is always there with you. Honor her love and legacy in all that you do and say. It is the love people feel for us, that matter the most, when we are gone.

Sending prayers and hugs to you--- We all need them!

[Francine]

1 hour ago, KMB said:

My husband is in Heaven, a place of peace and love, with God. He earned that place with God and someday I will join him. I have our pets here that still need me. They have given me the purpose to stay here and get up every day. I talk to my husband out loud a lot. I promised him I would take care of our pets and I would keep trying in getting through each day. This is a tough, lonely road to be on. But, I know and have my husband's love, feel blessed I was chosen to spend the rest of his life with him and I know he is waiting for me.

Your question?  You don't have to let your wife "go". There is no such thing!  You are both a part of each other and always will be.  Ellen is always in your heart and walking beside you. If you stay aware, have an open heart and mind, you will feel her presence, she will leave signs that she is always there with you. Honor her love and legacy in all that you do and say. It is the love people feel for us, that matter the most, when we are gone.

You literally brought me to tears - thanks for that and God bless you; God bless us all!

[walker67]

Id like to thank you all. She was always the talker. The person that everyone gravitated too. I don't talk much. Its easier to talk by writing. I write her a lot. Pages and pages of telling her how her animals are, how I keep screwing up, of how much I miss her and how sorry I am that I didn't protect her from harm. I can't imagine what all of you have been through. I'd only been with Deirdre Ellen (I use Ellen because that was what I called her when we spoke softly) for 8 years. She was Peppermint Paddy and Im Charlie Brown. What I have read...well it humbles me...and I have never been one to feel sorry for myself, but I do miss her so. I know drinking only makes me feel more pain, but I reckon thats what I want to feel. Does that make sense? Oh, Im not an abuser. Timber fallers that drink daily usually don't live very long, and I want to see my first grand daughter say my name and tell her stories about Deirdre. The advice you have given to me, and hearing that you all are hurting this bad, well its not comfort I feel, more like companionship. I have laughed a lot in my life. Cried a bit. Physically hurt a bunch. But this...her not here to look me in the eyes at night, kiss me, give me crap about never being able to stay awake...its a tough one to take. I'll stay out of trouble and I sure appreciate everything you all have written to me. I thank you so much.

[KayC]

I hope you continue to come here.  Myi grief forum was my lifeline when my husband died.  It helped me know I wasn't crazy, that others felt this way too, that what I experienced was "normal" for grief.  It gave me strength to know if others could go on, maybe I could too.

Not sure why you want to feel more pain, seems we have enough pain to deal with.  It's true that grandchildren are a blessing.  I wish mine lived here so I could see them more often.  I'm lucky if I see them once a month, but they're a joy to be around.

I have a computer file called "Letters to George", I write to him, today I wrote him again.  In the early days I did a lot, but now not often, but he's always always on my mind and in my heart.  I keep a running conversation going with him, just wish I could hear something back!

[Azipod]

On 11/28/2017 at 5:55 AM, walker67 said:

 I guess my question is this: I don't want to let her go. I get drunk so I can feel the pain more. Its stupid, but it makes me feel closer to her. Is this part of it all? Or am I just standing alongside the road waiting to get hit by a truck?

Walker67, I am sorry about your loss.  I don't think getting drunk will make you feel any better.  It will make it harder for you to process the grief.  There's no way out of this pain and misery.  We must face this grief head on.  We need to experience it.  We need to feel it.  We need to endure the pain.    If we are intoxicated, we cannot process the grief in the way that it needs to be processed.

[Francine]

On 11/29/2017 at 7:53 AM, KayC said:

Not sure why you want to feel more pain, seems we have enough pain to deal with.

I think I understand that. When you're in pain, you don't think rationally and when you are in the middle of pain, it is impossible to envisage a time without it. For me, when Charles passed away, the pain I felt was literally killing me on the inside and the more pain I felt, the more dying I thought I would do.  Sounds strange, but it's what I felt at the time.  You are definitely correct, God knows we all have a enough pain to last a lifetime.

 

On 11/28/2017 at 10:09 PM, walker67 said:

I'd only been with Deirdre Ellen (I use Ellen because that was what I called her when we spoke softly) for 8 years. She was Peppermint Paddy and Im Charlie Brown.

Eight years, but loved a lifetime.  Not too many people can say that; you were blessed and I just love the names you have for one another - too cute.

 

On 11/28/2017 at 10:09 PM, walker67 said:

I want to see my first grand daughter say my name and tell her stories about Deirdre.

And who better to do that? - You.  I am blessed to have my grandchildren in the city where I reside and I'm always telling them stories of their granddad.  They are excited, but I think I'm more.  So you got a job to do; take care of yourself so that you can.