I am lost without him

[Aida]

I lost my husband on September 22nd this year. We were married for almost 35 years and I don't know how to live without him. We did not have easy life at all. We left Bosnia because of the war at 1992, lived in Germany until 1998 and than we came to Boston. We worked very hard from the second we came here. Two years ago our youngest move out and we were finally ready to travel and enjoy the life. On September 8th he complained about stomach pain. He was tired and started sweeting excessively. On September 11th he went to his doctor and we waited for blood test for few days. He was feeling more and more tired. On Friday our youngest daughter took my husband to emergency room. After work I went to store and bought his favorite food, thinking he'll be back from the hospital soon. The doctors find out something on his liver and he stayed in the hospital. In next few days we find out he has stomach cancer stage lV and infection spread from one to another organ. On September 21st his kidneys give up. He died at ICU day after. I don't remember these seven days to much, especially the last day at ICU. Did I kiss him and hugged him enough, did I give him hope, did I show him my love? I don't remember. I miss him so much, I think I died together with him. I can imagine him walking in the house and talking to me. I am craying constantly. I put myself together and go to work during the day and than go home to my sadness. I don't have any friends, we were very quiet people. My youngest daughter and my son they come to visit me and sometimes they stay overnight in the house. They are dealing with loss  much easier than me, they have their own lives. My husband was my best friend, my love, my life. My children want me to stop talking about him and stop crying. They think I am crazy. I am not crazy, I am hurt, I am in pain. I think that God punished me and took him away from me. I don't know what to do. I don't care about anything. I just want to disappear. Thank you for letting me to share my story. Sorry, my English is not my forte.

[LoveD]

Hi Aida, I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband unexpectedly four months ago even though he had the health issue for many years.  At this intensive stage, please find some people to talk to, e.g. coworkers or neighbors, but don’t expect people will understand you or get what you want to hear.  You just need some one to hear your venting.  Also you can find the grief sharing program in the big churches nearby.  Grief sharing is a national program.  My kid doesn’t grieve in the same level as I do because we play different roles related to my husband.  You are not alone during this painful journey.  Please keep coming back to this platform for sharing, comfort and gaining wisdom.  Many hugs to you.

[M88]

I am truly sorry for your loss, Aida.  You are right - you are not crazy - you are grieving deeply because you had a deep love and a long history and an exciting future with your husband.   I am glad your children sometimes stay the night with you because it takes quite a long time to adjust to an empty home.  But, I am sad they want you to stop crying and talking about their Dad.   Tears are healing.  They are the words the heart cannot express. And a very important part of healing lies in the retelling of our story.  We here are all interested to learn each others stories and I thank you for sharing yours. 

This painful loss of a beloved soulmate is felt very keenly by all of us here.  Our pain, confusion, anguish and uncertainty, loss of security, is something that can’t be explained, so others cannot really understand it.  Some of the people close to us will make an effort to learn what they can about our particular type of grief and prove to be very supportive - others can make our grieving more difficult so we sometimes need to tell those around us what is helpful and what is not.  

I’m glad you found us and hope you will find comfort, understanding and compasssion here in our ‘grief family’.  Time spent reading here, even older threads, is time well spent - as is staring at the ceiling for hours with tears running down your cheeks, whilst reflecting on the life you shared with your husband.  

The love story of you and your soulmate, raising a family, working hard towards retirement, looking forward to travel, only to have your life turned upside down and torn apart when you finally get there, will resonate with many here.  

It takes a long time for our minds to process the death of a partner before finally accepting they aren’t coming back.  For such a long time we expect to see them where they’ve always been at particular times of the day, for most of our adult lives and when we see they’re not, it comes as a shock and we relive their death again - time and time again.  It is now 22 months since my hubby was killed and this phase of grief has finally passed. 

You will find it hard to believe now, but in time the intensity of the pain and the frequency of the tears eases.  The grieving, the missing and yearning for the physical presence of our soulmate and the wonderful life we created with them continues, but it gets a kind of blunter feel to it.  Life still sux and I’d give anything to have my darling back but I appreciate the good people in my life who make my life bearable. 

Keep posting and reading.  We are all here supporting each other.

I send you strength, love and hugs. XX 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Aida said:

I lost my husband on September 22nd this year. We were married for almost 35 years and I don't know how to live without him. We did not have easy life at all. We left Bosnia because of the war at 1992, lived in Germany until 1998 and than we came to Boston. We worked very hard from the second we came here. Two years ago our youngest move out and we were finally ready to travel and enjoy the life. On September 8th he complained about stomach pain. He was tired and started sweeting excessively. On September 11th he went to his doctor and we waited for blood test for few days. He was feeling more and more tired. On Friday our youngest daughter took my husband to emergency room. After work I went to store and bought his favorite food, thinking he'll be back from the hospital soon. The doctors find out something on his liver and he stayed in the hospital. In next few days we find out he has stomach cancer stage lV and infection spread from one to another organ. On September 21st his kidneys give up. He died at ICU day after. I don't remember these seven days to much, especially the last day at ICU. Did I kiss him and hugged him enough, did I give him hope, did I show him my love? I don't remember. I miss him so much, I think I died together with him. I can imagine him walking in the house and talking to me. I am craying constantly. I put myself together and go to work during the day and than go home to my sadness. I don't have any friends, we were very quiet people. My youngest daughter and my son they come to visit me and sometimes they stay overnight in the house. They are dealing with loss  much easier than me, they have their own lives. My husband was my best friend, my love, my life. My children want me to stop talking about him and stop crying. They think I am crazy. I am not crazy, I am hurt, I am in pain. I think that God punished me and took him away from me. I don't know what to do. I don't care about anything. I just want to disappear. Thank you for letting me to share my story. Sorry, my English is not my forte.

Aida,

I am so sorry.  Your children suffered loss but not the same loss as you, they lost a different relationship as you so they can't understand what you are going through.  It is more natural for children to lose their parent, but for you it affected every aspect of your life.  All of us here, we get it, we've been through it, are still going through it, for it doesn't end, as long as we live we miss them.  It is okay to cry, much better to cry than to keep bottled up inside of you.

God isn't punishing you.  Death is an everyday occurrence, someone somewhere is dying even now, but for those of us touched by it, it doesn't FEEL everyday occurrence, it shattered our whole world!  It isn't personal in that it strikes rather randomly, a child, an adult in their prime, this one's husband, this one's wife, with no seeming rhyme or reason, and we're left picking up the pieces.  It's common for your faith to feel shaken at this time, that's okay too, you'll make it through even that.  Remember, your feelings are not fact, they are just feelings to be reckoned with.  Feeling guilt or regret is also common in grief, remember it is not a guilt that is earned or deserved, it's just a feeling, and oftentimes it's us trying to come up with a different ending, a different way for things to play themselves out.  It's so hard to accept this as reality, so hard that it takes a long time for it to sink in, for our brains to process it...it took me a good three years just to process my husband's death...it took me many more years to find purpose or built a life I can live.  A life we can do is not the same as our life before, but it's doable.  Give yourself the gift of time, time to absorb this, time to figure it out.  We can't think about the whole "rest of our lives", it's too much, too overwhelming, it causes anxiety in us, but instead try to do "today", stay in today, even after 12 1/2 years, I still do it one day at a time.  I can get through this today...then tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.  I've had to give myself permission to smile, to realize that it is not grief that binds us together but rather our love, and our love continues still.

I remember my son telling me early in my loss that he couldn't speak for his sister, but he intended to give me grandchildren one day...of course first he had to get a date.  That brought a smile.  Today I have that gift of grandchildren, and I bet one day you do too.   

I want to share with you what I wrote from what I've learned over the last 12 years in the hope you'll take something away from it that can be of help to you...you have been through much in life, you will get through this, we'll do it together, all of us here, one day at a time.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Francine]

On 11/25/2017 at 6:55 PM, Aida said:

He died at ICU day after. I don't remember these seven days to much, especially the last day at ICU. Did I kiss him and hugged him enough, did I give him hope, did I show him my love? I don't remember. I miss him so much, I think I died together with him. I can imagine him walking in the house and talking to me. I am craying constantly. I put myself together and go to work during the day and than go home to my sadness. I don't have any friends, we were very quiet people. My youngest daughter and my son they come to visit me and sometimes they stay overnight in the house. They are dealing with loss  much easier than me, they have their own lives. My husband was my best friend, my love, my life. My children want me to stop talking about him and stop crying. They think I am crazy. I am not crazy, I am hurt, I am in pain. I think that God punished me and took him away from me. I don't know what to do. I don't care about anything. I just want to disappear. Thank you for letting me to share my story. Sorry, my English is not my forte.

I am so very sorry for your loss and the shock you must be experiencing.  I know you weren't prepared for this, nobody is. You lose someone you love more than you love yourself and you think you won't make it through or if you really want to; I certainly did.  I was so broken and sad, I literally shut down and for a moment, I felt I didn't exist.  Losing your spouse is the ultimate marriage crisis and one of the most stressful events you will ever have to experience. One day you are married. The next day you are a widower, alone and grieving. Nothing is forever. And you go through all of the emotions; the shock, loneliness, anger, confusion, fear, a broken heart, and depression .   It's very painful and can get even more painful before it starts to get better; after all, your entire life just changed in a matter of minutes.  So if you need to cry, cry, it helps and for me is a healing device.  With the lost of someone so dear, pain is necessary and so are tears - I think of them as sort of  "emotional first-aid."  One of the true ways to mourn your loved one is to take care of the living who belong to them.  That means, as hard as it is, you must take care of yourself during this difficult time; physically and mentally. 

You are far from crazy; if you are, than we all are.  The memory of losing your husband just doesn’t fade; it just doesn’t vanish; it just doesn’t leave.  It sits beside you, day after day, year after year. Often a different color or shade, but still there, still present.  Sometimes it shouts so loud it’s all you can hear, and other times it’s a steady hum in the background. A vibration, constant and tugging at your skin. A weight, heavy on your chest. You try to take a breath, but it’s never as deep as you need it to be.  I'm trying to ease back into somewhat of a *normal* life, it's strange, because it seems every time the phone rings my body jolts. Who is it? What’s wrong? Is everything OK? That’s part of the anxiety that sometimes comes with such a huge tragedy.

Loss isn’t past tense; it’s always present. Always with us. Always with me. When my Charles died, I came face to face with mortality; the ugly reality of life. Something I always knew but never wanted to see. I’ve experienced the deaths of family, friends and acquaintances but no loss, no ache, nothing at all could prepare my heart for losing my Charles.  I have traveled through it all and felt nothing made any sense. Still nothing has ever jolted me, halted me, stopped me in my tracks, like losing my Charles. 

Being a strong believer in God, my faith did falter a time or two. Like you, I thought God was punishing me.  After much prayer I realized HE wasn't.  HE was preparing me; HE prepares us for things that we do not see coming.  HE doesn't want us to stay wounded; we are supposed to move through our tragedies and challenges and to help each other move though the many painful episodes of our lives.  I think in all HIS wisdom, through our wounds, we enter the hearts of one another teaching us to become compassionate and wise. 

Because your husband affected each of you differently, each of you will mourn him differently and that's OK.   Take all the time you need to heal you emotionally.  Moving on doesn't take a day; it  takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self.

I hope you continue to post here;  we're like family trying to help one another along the horrible journey.  The journey may be long, dark and freighting, but the goal is in each step we take.  Know you are in my prayers.

 

[bayoured]

I have recently lost my Sweet Tony on 11/09/2017. I am disabled and he was my everything. My very heartbeat. He was supposed to come home from the hospital the day he passed. The Dr said he does not know what happened. This is a nightmare! Everything I read does not seem to give me hope that this awful pain will ever get better. I know I will never forget him or stop loving and missing him. Please tell me that the sun will shine again!!!!!!!

[Azipod]

On 11/25/2017 at 4:55 PM, Aida said:

They are dealing with loss  much easier than me, they have their own lives. My husband was my best friend, my love, my life. My children want me to stop talking about him and stop crying. They think I am crazy. I am not crazy, I am hurt, I am in pain. I think that God punished me and took him away from me. I don't know what to do. I don't care about anything. I just want to disappear. Thank you for letting me to share my story. Sorry, my English is not my forte.

Hi Aida, I am so sorry about your loss.  The sad truth is that everyone deals with this pain easier than we do.  I truly feel that being a surviving partner takes the majority of the pain.  In time, everybody else will move on.  But it is us, who is left with the constant fear, sadness, anxiety, and emptiness to carry on for the rest of our life.  There is nothing good that comes out of this.  We will never be normal again.  Losing our partner is devastating.   Things don't get "better" .... how can it when our partner is gone forever?     Yes, in many ways, it is not fair and it is a punishment -- a punishment, a lifetime of suffering .... for a crime that we did not commit.            

[Francine]

On 11/29/2017 at 7:55 AM, bayoured said:

I have recently lost my Sweet Tony on 11/09/2017. I am disabled and he was my everything. My very heartbeat. He was supposed to come home from the hospital the day he passed. The Dr said he does not know what happened. This is a nightmare! Everything I read does not seem to give me hope that this awful pain will ever get better. I know I will never forget him or stop loving and missing him. Please tell me that the sun will shine again!!!!!!!

I am so very sorry for your loss and know the pain you are  experiencing.  The lost of a loved one is an unbearable pain that just doesn't go away.  When I lost my Charles, I never dreamed anything could be so painful. It's like my insides are being put through a meat grinder, or like half my heart had been ripped away. When we lose a spouse, it changes everything. They were woven into every nook and cranny of our lives and hearts. Nothing will be the same, nor should it be. The pain is excruciating; the fatigue is immense.   After all, they were a part of us, our love; our partner; our everything.   You wonder how could this have happened; or what you're going to do; how are going to make it or if you want to make it without them. 

Yes, I agree, it is a nightmare.  When I fall asleep, I don't want to wake up.  It might sound crazy, but I have a much better time asleep, and that's really sad.  It is almost like a reverse nightmare; when you wake from a nightmare, you're relieved; when I wake up from my sleep, it is into a nightmare - my reality.

You'll never forget him, always love him and miss him terribly; you're suppose to; however, eventually the pain won't be so intense and there is light at the end of this depression journey. Right now, you can't see the light because of the darkness.  No matter how much pain you're in or how stressful your life appears to be, what is broken can be mended, what hurts you can be healed and no matter how dark it gets in your life, the sun will rise and shine again.

I hope you continue to post, we are like family on this site and by God's grace are here to listen, encourage, inspire one another on this lonely, horrific journey.  We will make it through; not today, or tomorrow, not next week, or next month and perhaps not even next year, but someday, somehow we'll make it through. 

[M88]

On 30/11/2017 at 2:55 AM, bayoured said:

I have recently lost my Sweet Tony on 11/09/2017. I am disabled and he was my everything. My very heartbeat. He was supposed to come home from the hospital the day he passed. The Dr said he does not know what happened. This is a nightmare! Everything I read does not seem to give me hope that this awful pain will ever get better. I know I will never forget him or stop loving and missing him. Please tell me that the sun will shine again!!!!!!!

Bayoured, I am truly sorry for your loss. Hugs. Not knowing why your partner died will be adding to your pain and anguish. I hope you don’t have to wait too long to learn the cause.  Shock cushions us to a certain extent in the early days of grief.  I’m glad you found us as pain and anguish lead us all to this forum, where we get the understanding and compassion we so desperately need.  Rest assured, you won’t forget or stop missing and loving your sweet Tony.  Reflecting on the life you created together takes times and is a very important part of grieving.  

I have a lot of health problems so understand the fear of how we will cope physically living on our own.  Allow your friends and family to help in any way you feel comfortable with - helping you also helps them feel useful.   I will need to sell our lovely wee home, which will break my heart further, and move to the city so I can get to specialist appts.  

The best advice we here can give is to live just one hour, or one day at a time.  This grief road is a very tough one to travel.  We’re all just muddling our way through it, helping each other as best as we can. 

Know my thoughts are with you. 

Sending you strength, love and hugsXX

[M88]

Aida, know my thoughts are with you also. Xx

[KayC]

On 11/29/2017 at 5:55 AM, bayoured said:

I have recently lost my Sweet Tony on 11/09/2017. I am disabled and he was my everything. My very heartbeat. He was supposed to come home from the hospital the day he passed. The Dr said he does not know what happened. This is a nightmare! Everything I read does not seem to give me hope that this awful pain will ever get better. I know I will never forget him or stop loving and missing him. Please tell me that the sun will shine again!!!!!!!

bayoured,

I apologize for the lateness, I did not see your post when I was online yesterday.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You want hope, I'll give it to you.  But I will also be real with you.  It will never be the same again.  You will continue to miss him forever.  However, you will adjust, learn to cope, and in that sense it will get better.  This is a long journey, you've just begun.  It truly does feel like a nightmare in the beginning.  By "beginning" I mean the first couple of years or so.  It takes a very long time to process our grief.  It's hard to wrap our brains around the fact that they died!  How can they be here...and then just not?!  This is a slow arduous process.  It helps to see a grief counselor.  It also helps to go to a grief support group.  It may take 2-3 tries to find the right ones for us, persevere.  It takes a lot of grief work but the more effort we put in, the more it helps us to adjust and get through it.  By grief work I mean what we do to help ourselves through this...grief counseling, forum, grief support, art therapy, reading books, videos, articles, journaling, all of that helps.

I'm sharing an article I wrote about what I learned in my 12 year journey, in case you missed it above...
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Azipod]

12 hours ago, Francine said:

 We will make it through; not today, or tomorrow, not next week, or next month and perhaps not even next year, but someday, somehow we'll make it through. 

I've realized recently that my grief is a process.  It is a process where we cannot place a time on it.  We must face it, experience it, and go through it.  There is no road map to do this.  No one knows how to do this.  Every person's grief is their own individual journey.   It is scary.    Earlier on, I thought that I would feel better and be able to "carry on" at the 6-month mark.  Now, coming up to it, I've realized that although I am functional as a person, I am in no way emotionally ready to "carry on...."   Not anytime soon at all.

This grief is going to take years to conquer.  Hopefully, I will be asleep before it ends.

[KayC]

Yep!  That is for sure.