Holidays ..... sigh

[urbaneve]

Hello, this is my first post here and today is Thanksgiving.  I lost my husband in a tragic accident back in Aug. of this year. A semi driver crossed over a median and collided with my husband on the highway. While I understand the logistics of it, I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the impossible odds that at that very moment a trucker crossed over and hit him (see, he was on a motorcycle).  I have an 11 year old boy and the one thing that sticks in my mind is my son saying to me "....if I had just asked him to stay home from work and play hookie, then that 5 minutes of him telling me the reasons he had to go to work would have saved his life...."  This is my 11 year old boy telling me this.  I just breaks my heart.  And then I begin thinking that if I had just one more cup of coffee with him that morning, the out come would have changed drastically.

It's one thing when I watched my mother pass slowly of cancer, I mean we knew it was coming, we planned for it, had everything in place.  The proverbially saying...we had our ducks in a row.  But to get a knock at your front door and think it is the UPS guy delivering your husbands new scuba fins that you were going to surprise him with just to find out that it is 2 police officers standing at your door.  I thought to myself "damn him, he got caught speeding and didn't have his insurance up to date"  But when I saw the look in the officers eyes, I knew right then and there that my husband left for work for the last time.  He kissed me and my son for the very last time.  It is a real sucker punch to the gut. 

It is now almost Dec. and he has yet to be cremated because his mother will not agree to the cremation services.  At first, she agreed then all of the sudden she changed her mind and wanted full burial services. Even though it was against my husband's wishes.  He wants to be cremated and have his ashes floating in the Gulf.  (he loved the water and fishing, so that is where he wanted to be when he passed.  But he never made his wishes clear in a will.  She even took me to court and tried removing me as administrator of the estate, lied in an official court order about me keeping my son from her and how much they love, all the while demanding a paternity test. (and wanted me to pay for it)  She even went as far as to ask the judge to give her the urn that my son picked out and I paid for so she could have it to bury in a casket and leave my son with a 6 oz. jar of his ashes. Even though I am the administratix of the estate, I don't have the heart to cremate him and take the ashes and leave her nothing.  But my husband needs to be put to rest and my son and I need closure and a true chance to grieve. 

Here's some food for thought... when the officers were at my house that morning, they informed me that I needed to have someone here with me at the house, they would not leave until someone came over.  I called his mother and told her that there was an emergency and her and her husband needed to come to my house right away.  She refused even after I broke down and told her that her son was not coming home.  Even with my son asking and crying for her to come over, she still refused to come to my house. How does a grandmother do that to her grandson?  I just don't understand it.  There is no reason on this God's green earth that should have kept her from coming to see her grandson.  I ended up having to my husbands nephew to come over.

To top it off, it turns out that my husband did not list my son as the beneficiary of his life insurance and accidental death policies.  He did at first, but after years of her hounding her son about money, he changed the beneficiary payout to her instead of my son.  He didn't even list my son as a second beneficiary. That all goes to his mother and honestly it makes me a bit angry and I am not sure if I have the right to be angry with him about it.  I mean how does a father not leave his only son anything?....  And she has made no effort to take care of her grandson.  In fact in my eyes she has denied her grandson his legacy.  My son was devastated when I had to tell him that the court may want to take a DNA because his grandmother is contesting the very fact that my son is a true heir. There are so many other things that have happened since he passed between me and his mother that I truly haven't had time to grieve his passing.  I feel the grief in the back of my mind lurking there, but with everything going on, I haven't really had time to catch my breath and break down and have a good cry. 

And now the holidays are here and that makes it even worse.  See, we were renewing our vows in Cozumel next June.  He was going the learn how to scuba dive so that after 15 years, I would finally have a dive partner.  It makes me sad that my son will grow up knowing that his father was taken too soon. 

My son is handling so much better than I am.  I am stressed everyday about bills and taking care of my son.  I just don't know what to do. My husband was one of those that always had to be in control of the finances (and honestly, he was terrible at it - God rest his soul)  Now I am so far behind on the bills and I just received a foreclosure notice on the house.  I may have to actually pack up and move to another state for my job. So, I have lost everything, but most of all, my son has lost everything. How do I explain to an 11 year old that what he thought was family has literally pushed him aside and has done nothing to help his go through this process.  I am being strong for my son and he is handling this very well.  (kids are resilient that's for sure).  It is good to know that we have each other.  I have no family left on my side and have now been ostracized from his side of the family, I only work part time but we do receive the SSA death benefits.  But in the end, I will have to give up my home and move to take a full time job to support my son.

Just a thought worth mentioning --- it turns out that the driver of the semi was not authorized to drive at all and had no insurance.  The company that hired him is at fault but I want this man to go to jail and pay for his mistake.  He also was not drug tested either.  So from doing a bit of research I found out that he was in fact supposed to be drug tested.  Who's to say that this driver (who had multiple log violations, 2 previous accidents, and was not legal to drive) wasn't on drugs.  Now I have a lawyer contacting me trying to go after the state police for not doing their job. 

All I want is to put my dear husband to rest and grieve for him and try to pick up the pieces and do all I can for my son to give him the life that he deserves.  (whew, I ended up typing more than I expected.  Thanks for reading.  I guess talking about it does help some.)

Cheers