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Lost my world last Friday


lovingstill

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Hello Grieving Community,

 

Last Friday,  I found my partner of several years not breathing in the guest room/office. I called 911 and I guess he passed after the EMTs worked on him.

 

We don't know what happened. He was just shy of 30. I emptied our our house and put everything in storage. I moved away from where I was and came back across the country to be with my family. I'm at a loss. His funeral has been pushed back over a month, and every day is a little bit harder than the previous day. I don't know what I should do, what I want to do, how to go on, or why this happened to him. We still don't have any autopsy results and I don't understand how someone who seemed so healthy could go so suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, and I'm only 29. He was my soulmate and I lost so much by losing him.

 

Anything you can say can only help me, as right now, waking up every day is just me reliving the trauma of that night, remembering that he's gone, and coming to terms with the sudden changes in my life.

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Hello lovingstill.  I am so, so sorry for your loss and send you hugs.  The not knowing the cause for your partners sudden death must be very difficult to cope with - hopefully you will soon know.  I’m pleased you are with your family.  We need those who love and care about us, around when your going through such a painful, life changing ordeal.  Our mind, body and soul have taken the biggest battering it’ll ever have to endure and it can suck our self confidence dry.   Allow your friends and family to take care of you as much as possible as just taking care of your basic personal needs will take all your energy in early grief.  If you have no appetite, which is quite likely, eat small but nutritious snacks.  

Loss of a soulmate really does feel like a part of us has been amputated.  I felt like my hubby of 22 years had been physically ripped from my body - it still feels like that at times.  He was killed in a sudden, tramatic manner and although I wasn’t with him, I suffered from terrible nightmares.  Quite a heavy dose of sleeping tablets was essential initially just to get 3 hours sleep.  Now half a tablet gives me the same amount of sleep.  Eventually the frequency of nightmares does lessen.  Sadly, the reliving of the trauma is an unavoidable part of the process of early grief, but it too eventually does lessen.  I feel it’s important to see a GP and keep them abreast of your grief symptoms.  I also felt it beneficial, and money well spent, to see a grief counsellor familiar with the complexities of sudden and traumatic death.

I’m glad you found us and hope you will feel the understanding, compassion, love and support that binds our ‘grief family’  here on the forum, together.  It’s not possible for someone who hasn’t experienced the loss of a partner to understand the depth of our despair and pain. Know that all here understand your sense of loss,  your not knowing what to do, or how to go on.  We never forget those first few months of shock in which we feel a panic about what our futures hold without our darlings.  Deep grief cannot be rushed.  Time spent staring at the ceiling and reflecting on your life together, is never time wasted.  

Sending you strength, love and hugs XX

 

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lovingstill,

You have been through a lot in the last month, I'm so sorry for your loss and all your unanswered questions.  My kids are 35 and 33, I can't imagine them going through this so young and unexpectedly.

I also realize that no matter how old you are or how long you were married, or even if a person made it to the altar, we all are hit with this same devastating loss and feel the pain and loss intensely, there's no easy way about this.

I'm sure you're feeling overwhelmed, grief can feel paralyzing, but life demands that we do certain things and somehow we get through them even though we want to stay under the covers and go back to sleep.  For myself, sleeplessness was another fallout of grief that didn't allow that option. 

I hope you'll continue coming here, it helps to read and post and know your feelings are normal.  I'm glad you have your family and hope that is a place of love and support for you.

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On 11/23/2017 at 5:39 PM, lovingstill said:

We don't know what happened. He was just shy of 30. I emptied our our house and put everything in storage. I moved away from where I was and came back across the country to be with my family. I'm at a loss. His funeral has been pushed back over a month, and every day is a little bit harder than the previous day. I don't know what I should do, what I want to do, how to go on, or why this happened to him. We still don't have any autopsy results and I don't understand how someone who seemed so healthy could go so suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, and I'm only 29. He was my soulmate and I lost so much by losing him.H

Anything you can say can only help me, as right now, waking up every day is just me reliving the trauma of that night, remembering that he's gone, and coming to terms with the sudden changes in my life.

I am so sorry for your loss; losing a loved one is devastating but someone at such young an age is more devastating.  Losing someone so near and dear to you is an experience that completely turns your life upside down. Everything that once made sense, no longer does. The pain feels unbearable, and you are suddenly thrust into unfamiliar territory.   Losing your partner is very traumatic, and can take years to process your feelings and emotions surrounding your loss.  When my Charles made his transition, I found comfort in talking about him and most importantly, “remembering” who he was and what he brought into my life.  I found joy in just remembering that because of him, I am who I am today.  He changed my life, for the better,  without even trying; he taught me things I never knew about myself and I could never put into words exactly how much he meant to me and couldn't ever imagine what my life would have been if I hadn't met him. You see, I'm the lucky one who knew him, who still love him and whose life will forever be changed without him.  I thank God for the time and love we shared together on this earth.  I had to learn that God never makes mistakes.  God took him; why? I'll never know and perhaps we are not meant to know.  What I do  Trust, Believe and Know is that Charles' spirit is with God and he is in glory; what better place is there? 

Miss him, yes; Mourn him, yes, but the way you can honor him is live your life to the fullest.  Dwell on the love you shared for one another, not the loss. Remember certain stories and times that brought you joy and share them with others.  Not only will that give you comfort but it is a huge step towards healing.   I hope there is someone you can talk with who will compassionately support you.   For me, seeing a professional counselor or coach, in addition to speaking with close family and friends who I trusted, was extremely helpful.  Talking about what you have just experienced is incredibly therapeutic.  Try to get back to a routine as soon as possible.  Don’t let other people tell you how to grieve.  This is your grief and you know best how to express it.

Remind yourself of what your partner brought to your life and remember that death ends a life not a relationship. Your partner will continue to be important to you and know that with care, support and understanding, you will learn to adapt to this loss.

I hope you continue to post on this site; we are all here going through similar situations and know exactly how you feel.  We're always here if you just want to talk, listen or vent.  You are in my prayers.  You will be OK, not today or tomorrow, not next week or next month; perhaps not in the next year or two, but you will OK, someday, somehow.

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Lovingstill,

i am so very sorry. I also lost my beloved suddenly and unexpectedly. It was 10 weeks yesterday. 

I do not know her cause of death at this point either. They are narrowing it down but nothing particularly clear yet. Not knowing, for me at least, has been torture. However, it doesn’t change the ultimate outcome and pain. 

I truly wish I had some words that would help but I don’t. I have checked in with the coroner every two weeks so that my wife’s case would stay important. It helps things move along. I am polite and genuine with him. Stay in contact. 

Other than this I explored every possible cause of death based on what I knew at the time. It’s something I needed to do. As they get closer to figuring things out I check off something it could not have been.

hang in there. Let others help you. Keep moving and try not to isolate yourself. 

Much love over and healing to you!

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On 11/23/2017 at 5:39 PM, lovingstill said:

Last Friday,  I found my partner of several years not breathing in the guest room/office. I called 911 and I guess he passed after the EMTs worked on him.

 

We don't know what happened. He was just shy of 30. I emptied our our house and put everything in storage. I moved away from where I was and came back across the country to be with my family. I'm at a loss. His funeral has been pushed back over a month, and every day is a little bit harder than the previous day. I don't know what I should do, what I want to do, how to go on, or why this happened to him. We still don't have any autopsy results and I don't understand how someone who seemed so healthy could go so suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, and I'm only 29. He was my soulmate and I lost so much by losing him.

 

Anything you can say can only help me, as right now, waking up every day is just me reliving the trauma of that night, remembering that he's gone, and coming to terms with the sudden changes in my life.

I am so, so sorry. I do not have any words to add, to what the others have already expressed. My heart hurts even more, when I see a new member here. This whole world is full of grieving, shattered souls. Life can certainly be unfair and not make sense. There are so many bad relationships out there that keep going on, and then there are those of us here that are blessed in finding our soul mate and the love story ends way too soon.

Not knowing the "why" of your beloved's passing has to be excruciating. I know it won't change things, but will be one "why" that can be answered.

Sending prayers for God's strength, love, comfort and eventual peace.  (HUGS)

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Thank you, all. In my grief, I've somehow found a way to seek a psychic medium to try and connect with him.

I know they're not always right, but I feel a sense of relief after doing so.

She said he didn't choose to die -- in the end, he chose death over life because if he'd lived, he would have been a vegetable because he'd had a stroke or an aneurysm (she couldn't clarify, and I, quite frankly, don't yet know). She said that they worked on him for a long time -- they did. She also told me he went into cardiac arrest as they were working on him though he wasn't presenting with any heart problems -- that is also true. I found him with a strong heartbeat. She also said that it was either going to happen last Friday to him or this week to both of us while we were on a road trip, where he would have had a stroke or aneurysm while driving (we were going to be driving to see his sister for Thanksgiving, and he was the long distance driver, not me). She said he's been around me; his energies are with me and I feel him (I do, I know it sounds nuts, but I hear his heartbeat as I'm going to sleep, and I feel him sometimes).

He also told me to keep hanging on and to stay brave and thanked me for being able to pack all of his stuff for him in spite of my grief. He also said to tell his twin sister that she knows what she has to do (I don't personally know what it is she has to do, but I assume she will know).

This is a lonely club to be a member of, and lonelier when you're so young. I moved across the country, from the west coast, where my partner and I had just moved this summer, to be with my parents in New York in the interim, and they just don't understand what I'm going through -- and my father lost both parents at a fairly young age. They plea that I stop crying, ask me to eat HUGE meals when I really just can't, my dad even said it's just one of many losses in life that I'll have to encounter. I know nobody knows how to handle grief, but it's so unfair and so unexpected, and people still can't seem to find the right words to say to me.

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I’m glad you found some comfort in the mediums’s reading, lovingstill.  

No, sadly no one else but another who has experienced the loss of a soulmate can understand.  The depth of grief for a loved partner is quite different to that of a parent.  The words to describe the difference haven’t been invented yet. 

Before it drives you insane, I would politely tell them you can’t stop crying because of the intense pain and explain you just have no appetite for big meals.  Often in grief we have to ask those who love and care for us, to trust us.  That we will ask for what we need from them.   They’ll be very pleased to be of help when you do ask.  

We understand you, lovingstill.  

Sending strength, love and hugs. XX 

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13 hours ago, lovingstill said:

my dad even said it's just one of many losses in life that I'll have to encounter

I would respond that that statement devalues how I'm feeling and what you need is your feelings validated not invalidated, as they're very real and for valid reason.  People who have not been through this don't get it, how can they?  And we're glad they haven't been through it but neither do we need them trying to "talk us out of our grief", we NEED to be able to grieve!  And it's not possible for you to eat huge meals right now, if you eat something healthy at all you're doing well.  Maybe show them this article:

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm 

or this one:

http://emilyrlong.com/how-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving/

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lovingstill, I am also glad you found some comfort and received validations from the medium. I am aware the comfort is short lived. We are still going to be grieving.

I also agree with M88 and KayC. Have a conversation with your family, that you have the right to have your feelings validated  and need to do your grieving in your way. We have to let family/friends know what we need and also the boundaries they cannot cross. Until they have been in our shoes, they have no understanding.

(HUGS)

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On 11/25/2017 at 6:21 PM, lovingstill said:

I know nobody knows how to handle grief, but it's so unfair and so unexpected, and people still can't seem to find the right words to say to me.

 

I get that.  Sometimes people just don't know what to say, think they should say something, and say the wrong thing.  I try to give people the benefit of the doubt because they just don't get that their words have power.  They can hurt us, heal us, open our minds and hearts and change the world.  Words can be cruel and improper, but try not to let their words destroy you; remember Jesus has already restored you!

 

 

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Oh dear..so sorry for your lost..we feel exactly how you feel..its really not right for us to experience such pain at a very young age..we are just starting to live a life that we deserve. The life full of love and joy, and then suddenly taken away..I lost the love of my life and my life just a little more than 3months..I still cry everyday miss her every moment but life goes on and so are we as a survivor. Your father is right that this is just one of the many loses in life but this is the greatest lost that we will ever had in our entire life..we will be forever changed because of this..please do take care of yourself just like we care..sending you hugs and strength on our everyday battle..

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Thank you, all, for your words of encouragement.

I tried to explain to my dad -- as best as I could, that I may experience a lot of losses, but I will only have experienced losing a partner/soulmate, in my 20s, once. I think it  grounded him to think about how different it would have been if he had lost his wife and not his mother in his 20s. He changed his tune. My partner's parents have been incredibly supportive and through their own grief, have been counseling my parents, not just on how to help me heal -- but also helping them understand that they just don't understand what it's like to lose a partner, that it isn't comparable to anything else.

My heart is broken, as I'm sure everyone else's on this forum is, but I'm surviving by holding on to faith.

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Lovingstill,

I am so sorry to hear about this and we will always be here to help you go through this grief journey.  Things are very new so  you're going to experience a mixed bag of emotions on a variety of levels/degrees.  Losing someone is always difficult -- losing a partner at a young age creates some additional unique challenges.  Like you, I am also in my 30s and so was my wife.  Recently, there has been a rash of "younger" folks coming on with their grief -- I do not know why.   

It's great that you were able to connect to your boyfriend through a Medium.   I had no interest in this area of practice in the past but after I lost my wife, my inner calling or my awakening as they call it, pushed me towards exploring the spiritual afterlife.   I too have had awesome success connecting to my wife through the help of a Medium.    Pay attention to your surroundings and the energy around you .... you may get a surprise (ie. sign) from your boyfriend periodically.

You are embarking on a tough journey ahead.  We will be here with you.   This is going to be one of those few places where..... we all get it.

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Oh lovingstill, I am so glad to hear you got through to your dad, coupled with his parents' help.  I am glad you have faith to hold onto, it's common to lose even that temporarily in grief, so that is good!

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Friends, fellow people who have lost their soulmates, I have a quick question. Immediately after telling us they're sorry for their loss, people have been asking us how he died. This is a difficult question because we don't know the answer (unexpected, sudden, no indicators, autopsy pending) and it's really too soon and too insensitive. It's a bit complicated by my being a "millennial" -- in that I've noticed friends of his are going all over Facebook and asking and trying to answer how he died. I've messaged two of them and asked them to please refrain from doing so, so publicly, and to allow us to please grieve privately. How do I let people know it's an insensitive question/inappropriate/hurtful without making this process more painful?

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9 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

Friends, fellow people who have lost their soulmates, I have a quick question. Immediately after telling us they're sorry for their loss, people have been asking us how he died. This is a difficult question because we don't know the answer (unexpected, sudden, no indicators, autopsy pending) and it's really too soon and too insensitive. It's a bit complicated by my being a "millennial" -- in that I've noticed friends of his are going all over Facebook and asking and trying to answer how he died. I've messaged two of them and asked them to please refrain from doing so, so publicly, and to allow us to please grieve privately. How do I let people know it's an insensitive question/inappropriate/hurtful without making this process more painful?

Lovingstill - It is perfectly normal to be overwhelmed with people's responses/reactions in grief.   I don't really have a specific answer for you as to how to answer them -- but perhaps you can tell them that they are still trying to figure it out -- or that you don't really know the full details...    Without knowing myself, I don't have an exact answer but maybe you can keep it vague/general.   During this grief journey, you will run into many of these situations where people either say the most silly things or otherwise, act insensitive.  The problem is that most people do not know how to deal with grief because of the society we are in.  While I think most people are trying to remain respectful, I think that the way it comes across, compounding but the situation the grievers are in, make things very ackward.    As you continue to travel through this grief journey, you'll quickly realize if you have not yet, that people "just don't get it."

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I would tell them as you've told us, that you don't have any answers yet.  I think it's perfectly okay to ask people to let you grieve privately and that it's hard to see it talked about publicly.

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2 minutes ago, KayC said:

I would tell them as you've told us, that you don't have any answers yet.  I think it's perfectly okay to ask people to let you grieve privately and that it's hard to see it talked about publicly.

I couldn't have said it any better.  

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Friends, I’m feeling pretty down and not understanding why I’m here without him.

I’m seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist and moved to be with my family but waking up every day, remembering he’s passed awAy, is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. 

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36 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

Friends, I’m feeling pretty down and not understanding why I’m here without him.

I’m seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist and moved to be with my family but waking up every day, remembering he’s passed awAy, is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. 

Lovingstill, I am sorry that you are feeling down.   The "down in the dumps" feeling will be a frequent visitor.  Your lost of your partner was very recently and I know that the feelings are very raw and intense during the first few months.  I know that you are feeling overwelmed with grief and feel like you've been consumed by the grief monster.   Unfortunately, there's no way out of this grief.  The way we recover is by facing, feeling, or otherwise experiencing the grief.   We can't brush it off and hope that it will go away --- it does not. 

I'm glad that you have your family to be apart of your support system. There are many other grievers who do not have family nearby.   That said, I know that even with family, it only makes things marginally better and it does not serve as a replacement for the void and emptiness you have inside your heart.    I have family (both sides) to support me too.  But at the same time, I know that at the end of the day, I am still going to go home to an empty home.   

Grief can be intense and delibitating at times.  As you continue down this grief journey, you will slowly built up strength, and it will be different (and arguably, easier) down the line.  You will get acclimated with pain and drama it brings.   Then, as each wave of grief that comes your way down the line, you'll be better equipped to deal with it.     The first time around the grief (which is what you are facing now) is very difficult.  Just hang in there and go for the ride.  The next time around it will be different.

Sorry there is no solution to this.  It's just preparing ourselves on how to deal with it.  I'm sorry.

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I couldn't state it any better than Azipod just did.  If there was a way around the grief, I surely would have found it by now.  There is but one way, and that is straight through it.  As we allow ourselves to feel these emotions, to experience the pain, it's not all for naught, it is in so doing that we are processing our grief.  There are countless good books and articles that we can read that also help us.  And in expressing your pain here, it is also part of that processing.  They say women's brains are geared to process things through talking...well grief also is one of those things that is processed by expressing it and knowing you are heard and understood.  That's why these forums are so helpful.  In so doing, we realize we aren't crazy, that all of these things we are feeling are normal in grief.

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On 12/10/2017 at 12:10 AM, Azipod said:

Lovingstill, I am sorry that you are feeling down.   The "down in the dumps" feeling will be a frequent visitor.  Your lost of your partner was very recently and I know that the feelings are very raw and intense during the first few months.  I know that you are feeling overwelmed with grief and feel like you've been consumed by the grief monster.   Unfortunately, there's no way out of this grief.  The way we recover is by facing, feeling, or otherwise experiencing the grief.   We can't brush it off and hope that it will go away --- it does not. 

I'm glad that you have your family to be apart of your support system. There are many other grievers who do not have family nearby.   That said, I know that even with family, it only makes things marginally better and it does not serve as a replacement for the void and emptiness you have inside your heart.    I have family (both sides) to support me too.  But at the same time, I know that at the end of the day, I am still going to go home to an empty home.   

Grief can be intense and delibitating at times.  As you continue down this grief journey, you will slowly built up strength, and it will be different (and arguably, easier) down the line.  You will get acclimated with pain and drama it brings.   Then, as each wave of grief that comes your way down the line, you'll be better equipped to deal with it.     The first time around the grief (which is what you are facing now) is very difficult.  Just hang in there and go for the ride.  The next time around it will be different.

Sorry there is no solution to this.  It's just preparing ourselves on how to deal with it.  I'm sorry.

Thank you for this. Every day has gotten harder instead of easier, and I can't envision the rest of my life without him. I guess this is just something I'll have to deal with, but it's hard to wake up every day...and hard to want to be awake.

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3 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Every day has gotten harder instead of easier, and I can't envision the rest of my life without him. I guess this is just something I'll have to deal with, but it's hard to wake up every day...and hard to want to be awake.

It is still early days for you. Your loss is a huge, raw wound and it will take a very long time for even the beginnings of healing. Sad to say, the grieving will get worse, before the pain becomes a dull ache. I am going into my 2nd year and I still have a hard time envisioning my future years without my husband. In my mind, we were supposed to do this life together, for many more years. I too, know what it feels like waking up every day, wishing I hadn't.  We have a long road ahead of us and for the most part, we have to travel it alone, taking one day at a time.

Sending prayers to you for strength and comfort.

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19 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Thank you for this. Every day has gotten harder instead of easier, and I can't envision the rest of my life without him. I guess this is just something I'll have to deal with, but it's hard to wake up every day...and hard to want to be awake.

You're feelings are right on point.  It does get harder by the day.  For me, coming up on 6-months, I actually think it's harder now than it was before.  The pain is less intense, I am less distraught, and I am no longer in the fog.  However, it's "harder" because now my body and my senses has calmed down and my mind is back in the body.  It is at this point, I now firmly realize what my "new life" and what it is going to encompass (or not!).    In other words, I'm no longer being punched by someone that is larger than me.  But instead, I am now walking around crippled, with a knife stabbed inside my heart.  There is no longer the pain from the "blows" but I get pain from the open gash wound and the knife that's stuck inside my body.   

In one of my grief 101 classes, they said that "It gets harder because you're getting better."    There is truth to the statement.   The cycles will go up and down.  As you process and progress through the cycles, it will get worse just through the natural cyclical process.   That said, the "grief cycle" isn't a year or two.  It is going to be a lifetime.

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I have heard it said by experts and grievers alike, that the hardest time is around six months because reality sets in, people go back to their lives, and unfortunately, the rest of the world seems to think we should be over it and are no longer as supportive.  We know the reality is that we never get over it and that this is the life we are left with.  It gets easier as we begin to process our grief and adjust, and create a life for ourselves that we can live.  Takes more time than I care to say.  Be patient with yourself.

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Today marks four weeks since that day when I found him near death in the guest bedroom, four weeks away from the day he eventually passed. I feel like a part of me has been taken from me, and it's just not fair. (He would have told me, "Life isn't fair," and I chuckle thinking about it.)

I've been feeling more heartbroken as the days go by -- my chest feels tight, I get really anxious, and I feel like the only way out of my misery is sleep. Currently, sleep is the only thing that allows me to not be in pain. At least if I "died of a broken heart," I'd get to see him again. 

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I am sorry for your loss.

I lost the love of my life on October 19th. He had an asthma attack that sent him into cardiac arrest (so, like yours, was very sudden, and unexpected). He was a healthy, fit man who passed two days shy of his 37th birthday. Even now, I still have more questions than I do answers. And the unfortunate situation surrounding our relationship makes it much harder for me.

Your pain will come in waves, and you'll feel like you're drowning... and it's okay to feel everything - sadness, anger, depression, anxiety, GUILT (oh lord, the guilt...), etc. I still do... It feels like it just happened yesterday.

Everything reminds me of him... And everything will remind you of yours, too. 

The only thing I find comfort in is knowing that he wants me to keep going, keep living, and keep figuring myself out.

His death caused me to realize I need to make changes in my life - major ones. And that's what I'm doing... slowly, but surely.

I often hear his voice in my head when I get consumed by the darkness (which happens a lot more than I care to admit) and it's his voice that brings the light into that darkness.

They're not gone - We just can't see them. You will start to find little things in places you'd never think to find them, and you'll wonder if they somehow put it there for you to find. 

Hell, I've even felt him sit on the edge of the bed and then lie down next to me, when I sat up to see who it was, there was no one (visibly) there.

Just two nights ago someone was rubbing my knee, like a tingly feeling, it was weird... but I know it was him.

These things will happen and you'll try to dismiss or explain them away but you won't be able to... Because they're exactly what you're hoping they are.

I don't think it ever gets easier... I think you just learn to live and work around the empty hole in your heart.

I guess for me, my saving grace is my belief in the metaphysical, and my own ability to feel and sense energy. I have no doubt he's around me often, keeping me safe.

This was sent to me the other day, and even though it brought me a wave of grief to read it, it helped me realize that I am not the only person in the world dealing with a shipwreck, that we all have our own shipwrecks.

24852336_10214859163091912_4351457342831000747_n.jpg

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7 hours ago, lovingstill said:

Today marks four weeks since that day when I found him near death in the guest bedroom, four weeks away from the day he eventually passed. I feel like a part of me has been taken from me, and it's just not fair. (He would have told me, "Life isn't fair," and I chuckle thinking about it.)

I've been feeling more heartbroken as the days go by -- my chest feels tight, I get really anxious, and I feel like the only way out of my misery is sleep. Currently, sleep is the only thing that allows me to not be in pain. At least if I "died of a broken heart," I'd get to see him again. 

You're going through a difficult period.  The 4-week mark was very intense for me.   Heart-broken we are.  A piece of us died when they left.   There's the constant question in our mind ....  How can we go on???     Well, I don't really know.  My 4-week mark went to 4-month.  And now I'm close to 6.   I have absolutely no idea how I survived so long.   Now, I'm calm, collected, and realized that this misery is going to last a lifetime.  Boooo.    It's almost 9pm here and yes, I'm about to go to sleep as well.   There's no point staying up on a Friday night..... everyone else is home with their loved ones.   And I'm here on a grief forum.   FML!

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7 minutes ago, Azipod said:

You're going through a difficult period.  The 4-week mark was very intense for me.   Heart-broken we are.  A piece of us died when they left.   There's the constant question in our mind ....  How can we go on???     Well, I don't really know.  My 4-week mark went to 4-month.  And now I'm close to 6.   I have absolutely no idea how I survived so long.   Now, I'm calm, collected, and realized that this misery is going to last a lifetime.  Boooo.    It's almost 9pm here and yes, I'm about to go to sleep as well.   There's no point staying up on a Friday night..... everyone else is home with their loved ones.   And I'm here on a grief forum.   FML!

11:39 here and I also have no reason to be up. 

Today was definitely intense — no other word for it. Still no autopsy which makes it that much more painful.

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3 minutes ago, lovingstill said:

11:39 here and I also have no reason to be up. 

Today was definitely intense — no other word for it. Still no autopsy which makes it that much more painful.

Make sure you prepare yourself to read the report when it is available.

I’ve read a lot of autopsy reports in the past... just because of the line of work I’m in.  But I will tell you, when you read one that is about your own partner/spouse, it is a totally different feeling.  I felt so disgusted and my heart just dropped like a ton of bricks. All of my emotions were blasted open. It will make you sick to the stomach when you read about what they did to the body.

If you want to skip the details, you can just skip to the last page for the Conclusion, or simply just stick to the Cause of death only,  possibly listed on the first page.

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7 minutes ago, Azipod said:

Make sure you prepare yourself to read the report when it is available.

I’ve read a lot of autopsy reports in the past... just because of the line of work I’m in.  But I will tell you, when you read one that is about your own partner/spouse, it is a totally different feeling.  I felt so disgusted and my heart just dropped like a ton of bricks. All of my emotions were blasted open. It will make you sick to the stomach when you read about what they did to the body.

If you want to skip the details, you can just skip to the last page for the Conclusion, or simply just stick to the Cause of death only,  possibly listed on the first page.

This is good information. Thank you. I like more instead of less information but we’ll see when it’s out what I can stomach.

Today, I started crying at about 7pm and never stopped. I was fine the rest of the day. 

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Azipod, your warning is enlightening, George didn't have to have an autopsy because he died in a hospital, I guess I was spared that.

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