Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

My sweet Teddy Bear passed away


tandbug

Recommended Posts

  • Members

My beautiful boyfriend/fiancee passed away 1 week ago very unexpectantly. He was only 33 yrs. Old.He had such a wonderful soul. We just loved each other unconditionally and never let the other one not feel as if they were loved. This has been so hard for me to deal with. I ask the question why on a daily basis. But i get no answers He was my life, my love, my soul mate, my best friend. Im so lost in this world without him. I just dont understand how he could leave me. We had so many plans marriage,more kids. My heart hurts so bad. Im trying to be strong but i feel like my whole world has crashed. I get up out the bed only to take care of our 7 year old daughter. Which btw was not his biological daughter but the only daddy she knows. He loved her like his own child. Im trying to help her and myself but i dont know what to do. I know kids are resilant. He always walked her to the bus and got her off every single day. I miss him so much i just wanna wake up from this nightmare.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am truly sorry for yours and your little girl’s loss, tandbug.  I send you and her lots of hugs.  Your partner sounds like he was a loving man and awesome Daddy to your daughter.  We understand the heartache and pain of losing such a much loved soulmate, as we are living with it also.  

With a sudden death, we not only lose our beloveds without having had the chance to say final goodbyes and reflect on our love and our life together, but our whole sense of safety and security is ripped right out from under us without warning.  Our mind, body and soul has just taken a massive battering which will take a long time to process.  We must be as kind to ourselves as possible.  

It is enough that you can get out of bed to tend to your daughters needs, at this time.  I hope you have supportive folk around you and will allow them to help you through your grief as much as possible. 

Living just one hour, one day at a time, is something you will often see us reminding each other to do.  It’s not always easy to do but it is the best coping skill to learn.

I hope you will find the comfort, understanding and compassion that I’ve found here.   

Sending you strength, love and hugs. Xxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

tandbug,

I'm so sorry your fiance is gone so way too soon and unexpectedly and you and your daughter are left missing him.  It's the hardest thing in the world, but it does help to be in a forum such as this and know you're not alone in it, that there are others that "get it".  It does feel like a nightmare that you want to wake up from, an alternate reality.  Like M88, I hope you have supportiveness around you.  Living one day at a time, breaking it down to one hour or one minute, was the best advice I ever got.

I've been on this journey 12 years and wrote this article from what I've learned during that journey, so want to share it with you as when my husband died I had no idea how to do this.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 11/23/2017 at 10:45 AM, tandbug said:

My beautiful boyfriend/fiancee passed away 1 week ago very unexpectantly. He was only 33 yrs. Old.He had such a wonderful soul. We just loved each other unconditionally and never let the other one not feel as if they were loved. This has been so hard for me to deal with. I ask the question why on a daily basis. But i get no answers He was my life, my love, my soul mate, my best friend. Im so lost in this world without him. I just dont understand how he could leave me. We had so many plans marriage,more kids. My heart hurts so bad. Im trying to be strong but i feel like my whole world has crashed. I get up out the bed only to take care of our 7 year old daughter.ch btw was not his biological daughter but the only daddy she knows. He loved her like his own child. Im trying to help her and myself but i dont know what to do. I know kids are resilant. He always walked her to the bus and got her off every single day. I miss him so much i just wanna wake up from this nightmare.

I am so sorry for the loss of your fiancee and know the pain you are experiencing.  My Charles was all to me your fiancee was to you.  Like you, I used to ask all the *why* questions but after a while, you stop and accept it. And besides, perhaps it's not meant for us to know; but just trust that God's plan is always better than our plans.  When my Charles left this earth, my worst fear became my new reality.  I lost my forever best friend, my husband, my lover, the father to my kids and there was no turning back and my life would never be the same.  Charles was silent; his eyes were forever closed; he could no longer look into my eyes and I, in his.  He hands would never hold me again; his lips would never kiss me and his voice would never call my name or call me sweetheart.  His legs would never walk into our bedroom again; his heart, the biggest of all would never beat again.  You see, his body was not just a body to me, it was much more.   I was so empty, so lost; I lost my compass the moment he died.  Just a moment in time for some people, but for me, it a moment that stopped time. 

And even thought I knew and trusted God, every inch of my being pained.  After a time, after I stopped blaming the world, and God, and found relief in praying, praying and praying some more.   There was comfort in knowing that heaven had received my Charles and that he was not alone; yet I was living in my own personal hell without him.  The thing about life after loss is that no matter what, someone is always missing. No matter what, you will always feel achingly incomplete.

I know you miss him and always will; he will always be a part of you; but know that his spirit is where we want to be; with God; no more pain; where joy, love and peace are the norms.  My Charles had some health issues and sometimes experienced pain and that always broke my heat.   When he died from a massive heart attack the doctor said he didn't suffer - my prayer answered.  Another prayer was that I desperately needed to know that Charles was somewhere OK and then I could be OK.   In a brief moment, I was empowered by an inner peace and divine intervention that he was.  As much as it hurts, please know that God is with us during this most difficult time of our lives.

I do hope you continue to post to this website.  We are all in the RIGHT place, at the RIGHT time, for the RIGHT reasons to help one another and thais t much bigger than we can ever imagine.  I pray God gives you the love, inner peace and strength to get through this most difficult time in your life.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

tandbug,  I am deeply sorry for your loss and your little girl's loss.  Everyone has already given you compassionate words, so I won't do any repeating. It has only been a little over a week and I know your pain, your shock, confusion and the sense of being lost. Unfortunately, over the weeks and months, you will be feeling worse with the intensity of grieving, but, I will say, that over much time, the intensity does lessen. We wouldn't survive this, if the intensity stayed at the same high level. You will feel like you are on a constant roller coaster with the emotions and thoughts.

Life is not fair. We find our soul mate, which is rare, and the beautiful love story comes to end all too soon.

Sending prayers for God's strength, love, comfort and eventual peace to you and your daughter.  (HUGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.