My brother is a widower

[sil]

my brother(53) and his wife(54) were riding the motorcycle. my brother was driving. a deer came out from behind them and jumped on the front tire. they were doing 60 mph. he was airlifted to a trauma hospital. she was driven by ambulance to a different hospital. at the time of the phone call we figured him to be worse off. it turns out she was non responsive at the scene. he never lost consciousness altho he had horrific injuries. The hospital she was taken to has a neuro-surgical icu. she had a blood clot on her brain and surgery was done. the accident was on 3/18/17. She was an organ donor. he got the news that her surgery went well that night. after that there was no contact. she has 2 grown children, 2 grandchildren. on the 20th i got a call from her kids saying she was not going to make it and that my brother needed to be there. my brother's injuries were concussion and a lot of skin trauma, road rash and deep wounds from the windshield on his face, broken hand and they were watching for brain swelling. i went to his hospital and told his nurses i needed him transferred. that would take 24 hours and they weren't giving her that long. after much discussion we had him sign out ama, drive him to her hospital and have him go through that er and admitted. his nurses felt it was best for them to say she took a turn for the worse and that he was needed at her bedside. i was told to not tell him how dire she was, to allow her drs. to tell him. when we got to her hospital, many (30) people were outside waiting for him. her kids, her mom (who lived with them) and many friends. They told him she wasn't going to make it. i took him to her room, where she was on a ventilator, head wrapped with blood seeping and exposed brain that had swelled out of her skull. he went in and asked to be alone with her. all i could hear was him saying " honey, honey, wake up". her drs were no where to be found. the organ transplant team was there and explained that brain death was not no brain function, but no blood to the brain, and she hadn't reached that so they would keep her alive until that happened. that never happened. her heart started to fail and on 3/22/17 she was able to donate some organs but not all.  my brother had 2 surgeries and was released 2 days later. his wife was cremated and he has her ashes. as it turned out his wife has cancelled the motorcycle insurance so he had no medical. she was covered by her work insurance. my brother was suddenly in dire straights financially. there was a benefit put on by friends, but he ended up having to declare bankruptcy. in the following weeks his mother in law moved out and in with wife's daughter. when they came to move her out, he was asked to leave, and he did. when he came home his home was raped. they took every photo of the grandchildren and many other things. before this, he told son, daughter and daughter in law they could have whatever belongings of hers except a few things he wanted. already heartbroken, he asked for those things back, which he did get back. in this whole process he has lost the grandchildren, which he was very, very close to and her kids, who he had lived with for over 10 years. he went from a bustling family life and social life to nothing. just about all of their friends have abandoned him. he got a new job and works too much. i invited him for thanksgiving, but he turned me down. in the past he's spend it with her and the kids families. they didn't invite him. he said if they did he wouldn't go because of the memories. so, today, he is alone, at home. i have to be at work or id drive the 20 miles and sit with him. a side note, his wife and i got along great, they even moved 1500 miles to be near me. then she got jealous. my brother and i are 11 months apart and are very close, always have been. suddenly she didn't want me sitting by him at functions and such. this went on for a while until she finally had no contact with me. that was 5 years ago. i wasn't able to spend holidays with them and i didn't get to see him much. we spoke on the phone less and less frequently, but we did talk. we go to breakfast every couple of weeks. we talk on the phone. i feel the connection that was lost, but i know he is saying he's okay and he's not. he isolating from everyone. her family has nothing to do with him. what can i do for him? 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for all your brother is suffering.  Everyone goes through this their own unique way and in their own time.

This is one of the most inclusive articles I've read on helping another in their grief: 
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm 

I wish you well with it.

[KMB]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your brother lost his wife and you lost a sister in law. It is beyond sad when we lose a loved one. It does impact families in many different ways. Sometimes it can bring families closer and it can also cause distance. It depends on the family dynamics and individuals. It is hard to explain, but people react to loss differently. I am sorry your brother's in laws are behaving as they have. In a perfect world, loss should bring people closer together, but we know most times it does not. Your brother's pain and memories need to be shared and supported by his wife's family, but we know humanity has its flaws and is not perfect.

It is evident you have much love for your brother and want to take care of him and support him on his road of grieving. Has he any interest in seeing a grief counselor or a support group? It does help to be around those who understand and are coping with loss themselves. Your brother is going to be missing his wife the rest of his life. We do eventually learn to adapt and carry our pain with us. We survive at best and it is a long, tough road.

We all know that isolating is not good for our well being. We are all different though, and some people do feel the need to isolate. I have done so and still do, to some extent. It depends on how I feel. Some people just need to be alone with their thoughts and memories. It is hard being around people who have never experienced loss and don't understand. It is hard to put on the fake mask and interact. Grieving is a very long process and at some point, we need to take baby steps out of our comfort zone. The more often we keep trying, each step does get a little easier. It can take a long time and we need to be patient and kind with ourselves. Loss is such a traumatic blow to our mind, body and heart.

You are doing your best with your brother. Just stay in contact, letting him know you are there for him. Keep trying to draw him out of the house whenever you can. For coffee or a meal. A walk in the park or a movie. Just being in a different environment is helpful. Deep inside, amidst his pain, he is aware of your love and support and is appreciative.

Was your brother a church goer? Maybe try that route and maybe he will reach out and renew his faith. Sometimes we stumble and lose our faith for a time while grieving. We have so many questions and God has the answers. We are lost and confused. We need only to listen with our hearts and trust and have faith in God. He knows our path.

Sending you and your brother prayers for God's strength, love, comfort, eventual peace and healing. Hugs to you both.

[KMB]

If your brother is interested, maybe you can talk to him about joining this forum. It is a safe place where he can express his feelings, thoughts, cry and vent, and he will be with a family of sorts, a grief family. We have experienced every thought and feeling there is when it comes to losing our soul mate, our life partner. We can share our hard earned wisdom, advice, suggestions and most of all, our care and support.

[Francine]

sil,

I am so very sorry for your brother's loss and my heart really goes out to him.  It is so difficult losing someone but to lose your entire family is heart wrenching.  Instead of grieving together the lost of a wife, daughter, grandmother, they chose to abandon him; perhaps they blame him for her untimely death.  I can only imagine what your brother is going through; his world is crumbling and suddenly he's trying to cope with the death of his wife and what he believed was once his support system is no longer support, but a source of additional stress.  He's grieving her death, while feeling like he's losing his family as well. I must be beyond crushing.

Unfortunately death does strange things and people; and there are many reasons death can bring out the worst in people.  I would imagine when we are under the stress and crisis of a death, our brains actually work differently.  Parts of our brain think rationally and there are parts of our brain that think more on impulse and emotion.  When we lose someone so dear to us to death, it is hard to think with that rational part of the brain and  when we have people acting from a place of emotion, it is no surprise that conflict can arise. Something that unfortunately her family is going through - emotional grief.

One can only imagine what your brother must be experiencing.  It's always easier to be the person(s) making judgement.  I would only hope her family would take a moment to put themselves in your brother's shoes and instead of being judgmental, be supportive. I think your brother's wife would want all of her family together supporting one another during this most difficult time.  I know it seems unbearable for your brother right now, but he should keep breathing, again and again; keeping one foot in front of the other, all of this will pass eventually.  If he feels all alone in this, reassure him God is, al always with him; have been and always will be.  I'm happy he has you in his life and we are here for you and your brother.