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My first post here- Your support is kindly appreciated


Gabriel8

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   I decided that I'd like to go see the Pixar animated film "Coco" tonight, about Dia De Los Muertos (Day of the Dead). I think it might help me have a more wholesome perspective on the loss of my father, just three months ago. I am partially inspired by how this traditional latin festival is a way for people to recognize the loss of loved ones by celebrating the notion that our separation is not forever. If this idea sounds a bit bleak, it's probably because it is; to those of us who aren't familiar with the unique way that latin cultures view death. 

   Well, I'm a bit nervous about going to see this film. My father passed on not at all so long ago. I am still at times overwhelmed by my grief and other emotions. So, I thought this would be a good time to post something here; to get some support from those of you who share in the loss of a parent. 

   I am reading a good book on grief, "Grief is a Journey", by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka. In the book, the author writes time and again about how grief can become complicated if it is unrecognized. I'm not certain, but I think that this means that it can help a person who is grieving to have social support and validation of feelings. For me, this part of my grief journey has been complicated by the fact that I am not close to much of my family. I have not been able to lean on them for the support and comfort that I have, at times, needed. 

   In truth, I miss my dad. I really do love the guy, even though we had our disagreements. Both he and I had really strong personalities; really stubborn guys! He passed onto me a compassion for others and a willingness to appreciate other perspectives that are both treasured pillars in my personality. He also had a sense of humor that I always thought was "lame" (sorry Dad!), lol, but was uniquely his. 

   I don't want to walk my grief journey alone. I don't think that is how I'm meant to do, as a person. Whatever culture we come from, I think that we are meant to come together in our shared pain; instead of pulling further within ourselves, like turtles (though I can appreciate that tendency). I hope that those of you reading this will feel comfortable to respond with any support or really anything that you'd like to share. 

   If your loss is more recent than mine, or for whatever reason is very challenging for you, I hope that you can find some comfort and solace in whatever way works for you. I have never been part of a community like this, and I honestly am not sure how to express myself here or what to say. 

   I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that we can all find a way through this, not alone but together. 

   

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Dear Gabriel8,

I’m so sorry for your loss.  Grief is very lonely and you’re right not sharing it with the closest people in our lives makes it harder and more internalized.  I too am not close to family members so I understand.  Grief is cold and harsh.  

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words.  I hope the film will be helpful.  Write back and tell us.  

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Dear Gabriel8,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the loss of your father. I'm very sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please know we are all here to listen and support each other.

I know what you mean, seeing a new film or reading a book can trigger strong emotions. It is only natural during our grief journey. It's been a year and there are still days I struggle with my anger over the loss of my father.

My siblings are already over their grief and more focused on other aspects of their lives, so it has been hard for me. I too feel alone in my sadness without family to lean on.

Keep writing and expressing yourself here. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

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On November 23, 2017 at 8:11 AM, sadandlost said:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words.  I hope the film will be helpful.  Write back and tell us.  

I really appreciate your response, @sadandlost

The film was helpful to me. It's funny, I had expected it to bring up memories and feelings about my father. It actually left me thinking and feeling more about my own life, and where I want to go in it. I thought about my purpose in life (something that has been on my mind a lot, lately). I reflected on what I really want to do with my gifts and talents (not what I've been told I should do). 

I believe that I'd like to work with people (like myself) who have struggled with mental health challenges. I've long felt this as something that I'm passionate about and gifted in, though I have long been scared to reach for it. "What if...?" thoughts have clouded my goals. 

After my father's passing on, I am more aware of how temporal and fragile this life is. I'm afraid of making mistakes, and so I don't act a lot of times. But, I'm thinking more and more, what if I just follow my heart, and do what makes sense there? Maybe it will turn out to not be what I was expecting... Maybe I will make mistakes in the process... But mistakes can be mended! And movement, in any direction, is better than stasis; I believe. 

There is a quote that I have long been fond of (and made nervous by): 

“A ship is safe in harbor — but that is not what ships are built for.” — John A. Shedd. 

I've been walking a tightrope my whole life, afraid of and unwilling to make a misstep. I don't think that's living at all, after all. I think I'd like to make mistakes, say and do regretful things, and give myself permission to be human! (and apologize, of course) 

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On November 25, 2017 at 11:09 AM, reader said:

Keep writing and expressing yourself here. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

Thank you so much, @reader, for your thoughtful supportive words, as well as for sharing a bit about yourself. 

I'm so glad that you express that there are days when you struggle with anger; not glad for your struggle, but glad to hear that I'm not alone in this emotion. I've found that many folks do not feel so comfortable speaking about angry feelings. I know, for me, that talking about my anger helps me to move through it. Reminds me that it's normal, and healthy. 

Just yesterday I was feeling upset but couldn't identify what is was or why. I tried a bunch of things that usually help soothe me, but they didn't seem to help. Then I went on YouTube and watched some music videos that echo my sometimes feelings of anger; and it really helped! It was like food to my soul to watch these few music videos that struck a chord with that feeling inside me, that had been building to an uncomfortable level. 

That helped the feelings to wash through me, so that they could be felt safely and not become destructive. Then I went for a walk, and was so glad for rock music! :P

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Dear Gabriel8,

I'm glad you came back and shared with us your feelings.  I'm very glad you made a decision, an important one to follow your chosen path.  Everyone is scared going into the unknown.  I have lived with fear and anxiety my whole life but I still did the things that brought me the least security, moving countries more than once and beginning again twice.  I made mistakes, bad choices but I don't regret doing things that were extremely challenging and stressful.  I followed my passion and you learn and grow from that alone.  I think having a purpose in life can be healing.  For me since I lost my mom, I have lost my purpose and my place in the world.  I see the world differently and I feel changed by the devastating loss.  I know I have to find my confidence again and rebuild myself.  I hope I can do it again.  I also struggle with feelings of anger toward my family and how they behaved so I'm alone and its hard.  I encourage you to begin even though you are sad.  There will always be setbacks when you begin something new.  There will always be challenges but reading your words, you sound strong, thoughtful and sensitive and I'm sure you will succeed because those are the qualities needed to work in mental health.  Wishing you all the best Gabriel.

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9 hours ago, sadandlost said:

There will always be challenges but reading your words, you sound strong, thoughtful and sensitive and I'm sure you will succeed because those are the qualities needed to work in mental health.  Wishing you all the best Gabriel.

This is wonderful, your thoughtful and well expressed words. I feel seen and understood. It seems to me that you are an insightful person who has clearly had the life history (moving countries and following your passions) that has added depth to your character and sense of self. 

Your self-awareness, as well as the insight you share about your family dynamics, seem to me great strengths. This observation is probably nothing new to you, but I am heartened by your awareness. 

I understand what you mean in sharing that the loss of your mom has caused you to question your purpose, and has changed how you see the world. When my father was alive, I felt like I had a buffer between me and whatever comes next (after this life). I could reasonably expect that as long as he was alive, that I needn't fear or give much thought to my mortality. This may not have been based on facts, but more just the idea that, as the son, I would outlive my Dad. 

Following his passing on, I feel like I have moved forward in line towards the inevitable. Without him between me and death, my sense of safety and comfort in a world that makes sense and is predictable feels threatened. However, on the other hand, I have felt a sense of peace and safety about the transition to whatever comes next, given that he has now crossed that river. Things always felt a little less scary for me, growing up, when my father or older brother did them first... I felt like if they could do them, then I would be just fine to do things that would have otherwise seemed impossible or too scary. 

9 hours ago, sadandlost said:

I also struggle with feelings of anger toward my family and how they behaved so I'm alone and its hard.

I can't tell you how much I relate to this that you shared. Attending the memorial that my family planned out and had for my father, just a week after his passing on, was one of the most challenging things I've ever done; not because of the grief that I felt, but because of the ambivalent and even downright antagonistic relationships between me and so many of my relatives. It didn't help things that I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic parent, and as part of a larger family tree where abuse and neglect were far too common. 

Some of my relatives are in denial. Some are actively practicing addiction or other harmful behavior. Others have found ways of coping that work for them, but which are unique and may conflict with others perspectives and beliefs. 

The only way that I am surviving the insanity that can be family dysfunction is with the help of a 12-step program that works for me. Otherwise, I might have ended up like so many of the relatives who came before me, who didn't have recovery. I am thankful to my higher power that I have a name for the thing that I felt my whole life was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to evangelize. 

Family stuff is always dreadful. Following the loss of a loved one, I am painfully learning, it can become basically impossible. I am not currently communicating with my older brother, because he can't be around me without saying highly critical and emotionally abusive things. I love him, and always will; but I may have to do so from afar. I hope that can change, but that's up to him. 

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Dear Gabriel,

Thank you for your kind words and thank you for sharing your story.  Its very interesting and clearly you have come a long way in your own healing from a dysfunctional family.  i think the hardest thing to deal with in life is the relationship with ones family.  Family dynamics can be incredibly painful and have life long affects on us.  I admire that you did the 12 step program and gained such a perspective and insight on your background.  I came from a difficult family life and abuse.  I spent years on and off in therapy.  It helped me understand my own patterns and choices.  But now losing my mom, the only goodness in the family I feel I have reverted back to being a frightened child.  The rest of the family are controlling, devious bullies and lack any consciousness  of what is a decent way to behave in the world it seems.  They act like they know everything yet they know nothing and have led limited lives.  It tortures me.  I have tried to distance myself from it but its very difficult.  I hope once everything is finalised with my mom's estate I'll be able to move on and hopefully never see any of them again.  I hope it will help with my healing.  I know all about that sense of safety being threatened you spoke of.  For me now its more about feeling lost and not knowing where I belong anymore.  

Regarding your brother I understand how you feel.  I'm in a similar situation and have chosen no communication.  When you are vulnerable and struggling with grief, emotionally abusive behaviour can be very damaging and really hold you back.  The fact that you come from addiction and have obviously worked so hard to overcome a lot of struggle and have such an understanding about yourself and your family life, I'm really genuinely impressed by your thoughtfulness.  

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On November 27, 2017 at 5:38 AM, sadandlost said:

i think the hardest thing to deal with in life is the relationship with ones family.

I'm glad to share with you, @sadandlost

I don't know where I belong either. In fact, I was just speaking with someone tonight about that. For me, I always had an identity that came from my family role. It wasn't necessarily even a positive identity, but I felt it gave me a sense of who I was. After the loss of my father, and distancing myself from unhealthy family, I am having to figure out who I am outside of old, outdated family roles. This promises liberation, and a chance to decide what kind of man I want to be. However, it is still scary for me; and I carry the learned doubt of myself and of my perceptions that I learned from a family system, so I would forever be dependent on them. 

I too hope that things will settle for you as they will with your mother's estate. I believe that is likely, as that is just what has happened with my father's estate. The obligations to interact with relatives to settle the estate, and the fighting amongst them, was tremendously hard for me; and a great relief to have it settled. 

I understand what you share about reverting back to being a frightened child. I did this a lot when my father was alive, because I was co-dependent on him; so I would return to the nest when my life got too overwhelming. I used to feel guilty about wanting the safety of home, but now I understand that wanting to feel safe is a very human thing, and nothing to be ashamed of. I think that all of us, whether we feel our age or not, need a basic sense of feeling safe and having something that we can believe in to hold onto, when our lives feel out of control. 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. She sounds like a wonderful mother and caring soul. My father was a good man, too. He had his faults, but he had integrity, and he taught me  about acceptance of others and how all people are equal. He also believed that there is goodness even in the darkest and most unlikely of places. I am glad and grateful for the strengths that he passed down to me. It gives me joy to share them. 

Your family is lucky to have you; even if they never realize or acknowledge it. 

 

 

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Dear Gabriel,

I'm grateful to communicate with you.

Yes I agree with you.  Wanting to feel safe and have somewhere you identify with is part of the human experience.  I think the sentence you said, " having something that we can believe in to hold onto, when our lives feel out of control",  is so valid.  Its why when we lose that, our lives and our sense of self and identity is threatened and we then feel lost.

I also got my sense of integrity from my mother.  She believed in fairness.  She was so dignified and honest.  She would help everyone.  It is very painful acknowledging she is gone forever.  You are very kind but my family see me as the outsider who has lived away from the fold for decades and lived a life they know nothing about or understand.  They don't know anything about me.  Sadly those people are now making all the decisions and I have to keep my mouth shut till its all over.  Hopefully it won't be another 6 months as I don't think I can survive this being dragged out for so long.  Its almost a year already.

I'm really glad your fathers estate has been settled.  Maybe Gabriel in time you will grow into the man you choose to be.  After all the shakiness is gone.  The feeling of nothing to hold onto anymore will begin to dissipate as you move forward into your new chosen profession and you become who you want to be?  You'll have the strength to play a different role within the family - if you choose to that is.  Or you could choose not to.  Family situations are so challenging even when you get older.  Its a recent loss for you.  Give yourself time to find your ground.  Its shocking losing a parent.  It shakes you to your core and it continues until we can figure out navigating the new world we found ourselves in.

Thank you for your reply.

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On December 1, 2017 at 6:03 AM, sadandlost said:

Thank you for your reply.

It's my pleasure, my friend. 

You have an assured voice that's like a steady hand at the helm. I am glad to be a witness to your story, as it unfolds. 

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Human Qrystal

I'm familiar with the loss of a father for which i lost a father when I was 12. I'm 13 now but this isn't about me, it's about you. I hope all is well with you and I'm sorry for your loss

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